So, I have been away for a long time and the major reason I am back is because someone gifted my account. I have a feeling it is a marketing tool, but whatever. I like this place and the people are interesting.
So what has happened in my life. Well lets see here, I have gotten a promotion at work. I have gotten into Buddhism in a pretty serious way. School has started again which is nice but it is also a hassle of course. I moved into a 4 bedroom with some friends, its nice, but at the same time it is disconcerting. My dog has been getting a lot of redness on his chest, belly and hindquarters so something is bothering him and I am not sure what. I am trying to use an oil and an oatmeal based shampoo to take care of it.
So those are the events, what are the feelings and mindset? Well I am constantly afraid of failure. I am afraid that this is a lease for 1 year and then I am going to have to find out what to do next and it scares me that I am not going to be able to successfully take care of myself and even scarier is if I can't take care of my puppy.
Living in a house with other college students on a street populated by college students next to a college has shown me just how socially anxious I am. There was a party the other night and I felt uncomfortable with the thought of showing up. I don't know how to handle this or get past it. It's a continuing challenge I hope I can overcome.
School is another anxiety. I really do like philosophy, when I am doing it and talking to people about it. However as soon as I am alone I cannot bring myself to read things I really need to read. I am left with the ability to think about things but without the drive to learn more so I can properly apply myself. All of this is easily solved by a choice to do it even though I don't necessarily feel like doing so, but the biggest thing I am missing in my entire life is the will power to do anything to change anything.
Overall I feel like I am pretending...
So, I have been away for a long time and the major reason I am back is because someone gifted my account. I have a feeling it is a marketing tool, but whatever. I like this place and the people are interesting.
So what has happened in my life. Well lets see here, I have gotten a promotion at work. I have gotten into Buddhism in a pretty serious way. School has started again which is nice but it is also a hassle of course. I moved into a 4 bedroom with some friends, its nice, but at the same time it is disconcerting. My dog has been getting a lot of redness on his chest, belly and hindquarters so something is bothering him and I am not sure what. I am trying to use an oil and an oatmeal based shampoo to take care of it.
So those are the events, what are the feelings and mindset? Well I am constantly afraid of failure. I am afraid that this is a lease for 1 year and then I am going to have to find out what to do next and it scares me that I am not going to be able to successfully take care of myself and even scarier is if I can't take care of my puppy.
Living in a house with other college students on a street populated by college students next to a college has shown me just how socially anxious I am. There was a party the other night and I felt uncomfortable with the thought of showing up. I don't know how to handle this or get past it. It's a continuing challenge I hope I can overcome.
School is another anxiety. I really do like philosophy, when I am doing it and talking to people about it. However as soon as I am alone I cannot bring myself to read things I really need to read. I am left with the ability to think about things but without the drive to learn more so I can properly apply myself. All of this is easily solved by a choice to do it even though I don't necessarily feel like doing so, but the biggest thing I am missing in my entire life is the will power to do anything to change anything.
Overall I feel like I am pretending at being something I am not, a functional adult in a society I don't feel like I am a part of. I long to be with other people and to have memories worth having, but each night I find myself alone at home watching tv or playing games that I am not really interested in. I wish I could change these things, but I don't know how to convince myself to get past my overwhelming anxieties and feelings of discomfort. I feel like if I put myself out there everyone will realize what I already know about myself, that I am not very interesting and not worth their time. Why hang out with a morose, self pitying misanthrope when you can spend time with anyone else.
As I said I am getting into Buddhism and when I can keep its teachings in mind things are better. When I am practicing right mindfulness and I am accepting my suffering and embracing it I truly feel better. However I wonder if this is just me pulling the wool over my own eyes. Am I really dealing with anything? Or am I just accepting the seeds of my discontent and not dealing with them? Do I keep watering them and just placate myself by acknowledging that they exist? Am I truly accomplishing anything?
I don't know where I am going, how I am going to get there, or if when I get there if it will be some place I really want to be. I feel like I don't belong in my own life.
So what has happened in my life. Well lets see here, I have gotten a promotion at work. I have gotten into Buddhism in a pretty serious way. School has started again which is nice but it is also a hassle of course. I moved into a 4 bedroom with some friends, its nice, but at the same time it is disconcerting. My dog has been getting a lot of redness on his chest, belly and hindquarters so something is bothering him and I am not sure what. I am trying to use an oil and an oatmeal based shampoo to take care of it.
So those are the events, what are the feelings and mindset? Well I am constantly afraid of failure. I am afraid that this is a lease for 1 year and then I am going to have to find out what to do next and it scares me that I am not going to be able to successfully take care of myself and even scarier is if I can't take care of my puppy.
Living in a house with other college students on a street populated by college students next to a college has shown me just how socially anxious I am. There was a party the other night and I felt uncomfortable with the thought of showing up. I don't know how to handle this or get past it. It's a continuing challenge I hope I can overcome.
School is another anxiety. I really do like philosophy, when I am doing it and talking to people about it. However as soon as I am alone I cannot bring myself to read things I really need to read. I am left with the ability to think about things but without the drive to learn more so I can properly apply myself. All of this is easily solved by a choice to do it even though I don't necessarily feel like doing so, but the biggest thing I am missing in my entire life is the will power to do anything to change anything.
Overall I feel like I am pretending...