i love reading peoples comments when i write a journal and if i include a question i love to read every response, some times i never have time to actually go to that persons journal and tell them how much i appreciated them leaving me a comment, i hope they know how much i really appreciate it

i guess you do now


today i plan on getting ready and starting the cleansing process of my week off..

yesterday i tided the flat, had a bath and tried to wash away the negitivity

today i wrote a list, txted friends and browsed online

is it strange that i value the things i wear and connect them to my personailty and who i am?

perhaps it my creative side but i've always thought to use how i dress to symbolise who i am, when i feel dark i tend to simply wear whatever i put on.. when i feel creative i tend to dress as that character side of myself... of course i dress for comfort, i dress practical.. but i choose what i wear because its me

which i why i dont care about labels and sizes.. if it fits and it makes me feel good i buy it, if it doesnt even if i love the outfit i wont buy it.. i may take a photograph of it for my wish list of clothing but i have stopped buying clothing that will never fit me, when something doesnt fit me i simply think 'your loss' and put it back out to sell, being part of my wardrobe is exclusive..

my conclusion from my previous journal is that i dont care if i own far too many clothes, if i want to buy more, if i feel the need to go shopping i should-if i want to transform my image i can...

because to deny myself would be to deny who i am

the same way i will never stop myself from loving japan ever again,

the same way i will never stop myself from doing art ever again

the same way i will never stop myself from taking photographs ever again

the same way i will never stop myself from being here, and talking to friends ever again

because if i stop, then who am i?

i have a rule with clothes.. no matter what i buy, if i add something to my wardrobe i must get rid of something to make room

this is a really good things for me

its cleansing

so today, i'm armed with my holga and i'm off to try on clothes... find myself again...

i need an outfit to suit this personality and this journey i am on

tell me something... whats your favourite outfit and why?

mine would be my yellow sheep pj's and my pokemon top... i am happiest being lazy and free

i miss you baby

i feel like saying this to myself

today i woke up later than i wanted to, went to class played with light and dark..

got my self confused and irritated

almost cried

today was a mixture of frustration and just plain anger at myself... i know i want something but i'm not sure what, what am i working towards? am i good at what i'm doing? does it matter if its what i love??

perhaps i will brainstorm again.. tea is needed


walking in the rain with someone i dont know but someone who reminds me of part of my self

the little girl part.. she smokes cigarettes and wears fake fur coats and plastic shoes, i think shes pretty rad but at the same time i remember who i used to be..

i used to be so much like her.. where did that girl go? did i grow out of that? or did i push it out to be who i am now? i feel stubby and small

that girl i used to be is still under the skin i think

i'm not sure if i fancy seeing that part of myself again

but as i walked in the rain i think i missed her a little bit...

oh how i miss being creative and coy

oh how i miss being beautiful

now i feel so old and almost like a cabbage patch doll...

this is a strange way to discribe myself but its honestly how i feel right now

i miss being elf like, magical..... secret

perhaps thats who i miss most of all


who am i now?

am i the girl in the jeans?

am i the girl with the short hair?

am i anyone?

i am going to have to find out

i feel a transistion coming

a change perhaps?


so what to do?

well i have a week off work which i am so pleased about- i went from being very unhappy about it to being quite satisfied

work right now is simply me putting on the same black and white 'uniform' and doing the same tasks.. i miss dressing for myself and not for convinience

i plan on finding that missing clink in my chain this week off

i plan on taking photographs and not being lazy

perhaps i'll dye my hair i've been thinking about it for so long

perhaps i will add more ink...

the tattoo shop called today to tell me i hadnt get the job i wanted.. i suspected as much

my time isnt right yet to do such things and if they took me now it would be pretty lucky and not based on talent.. so i will work on the talent part

tell me friends,

at this time of year what is your most treasured thing to see?

the changing of the leaf does it for me


change,

tell me what you want to change lets do this together

photography class

the project....

the sky above the ground below- take 3 images from above and 3 from below

these are my final 6...

i've produced the film myself in the darkroom,

produced the image and adjusted contrast

no digital, no photo shop














i'm so in love with film i splashed out on my own k1000

today i took my new holga 35mm (betsy) and an old lomo action sampler (florence) i had gathering dust..
i went on an adventure into newcastle again

i took the fuji instax who is known as issac (i have now take 50 pictures)

some of the shots make my insides smile

find them here... give me some feedback

my flickr

i would love any comments or suggestions

pick your favourite and post it if you have time x


i used to wish i could do this.. now i am

polaroid project

i have in my possession quite alot of fuji polaroid film

i aim to take some every day.. i have 100 or so prints to use up..



so this is todays batch










i think miley cyrus inspired me a bit there...


its tempting to just click away and use all the film in one go but i must restrain myself..

i should also receive my 35mm holga camera this week and some snaps i took with the mama holga a few weeks ago...

i think i like this photo thing

oh tegan and sara i love you so

i listen to you live on you tube and sing along trying my hardest to get the harmonies right

i could listen to you all day and never get bored

i wish i could see you live

but this is almost as good



i wish i could get this for my ipod is there a way i can?

so far this weekend i have enjoyed producing photographs in the dark room.. and using filters correctly

every time i come to class its like i am given the simplest but most useful information possible and i love it-finally i know how to add contrast after so many years of just bumbling along with it

this course is the best use of my money i've ever saved

i can not express how thankful i am to myself that i have a saving account i feel a weight lifted off my shoulders knowing i have money there if i ever need it and money for the future

because the future really is going to be important for me

last night i started my brainstorm of what to do in january.. it doenst involve lots of hours in a shop

click, click... click it all falling into place but its not there yet in my head.. its kinda in my shoulder at the moment and its travelling up ever so slowly but ever so usefully if that makes sense



Nikhita thanks for the other traveling info x you were much helpful x

i've also been spending time making a music video of my favourite people so check out my sguk and beans video if you like.. i am easily influenced


now i'm off to go eat, and start my week..

with no more teeth pulling and just lots of positive energy...

this journal is basically here because i'm starting a new week and tegan and sara are simply amazing

but thats always good for a journal i think

my life in pictures... well the past few weeks of my life,

during the time where i am re-claiming it



because i'm living my life for taking them- i have started my photography course and already after 2 classes i have learnt more than i did in my whole art degree...

i developed my own film and a contact sheet after nearly 2-3 years of not using a dark room, instantly i am in love again.. the chemicals the everything

and i'm loving my life when i'm taking them... i just really hope that i can hold on to this ribbon, this thread...

because everything right now is just starting to mush into place.. nothing is concreate just yet again but its so much better than it was

perhaps the best way to put it is that i now have a map but i have no idea where this map leads me or what contry this map is for... its just directions right now

but at least its directions



and i'm really postitive it will become clear


i am positive it will actually make sense and i'll go

right!

and click, its fixed in my head

okay.. so its not very fair for me to update when only small things are changing and only small steps are being taken

but its happening

till then... i'm happy doing this... squirreling around

things are getting better

i'm working on many things

confidence, and being myself being the main thing

remembering to live for myself

remembering that chick that once wrote here that 'a kiss with a fist is better than none'

because it is, its hard, it sucks but i'd rather so for that kiss even if it hurts

and i'm honestly getting so much better with everyday



so with this i have to send a massage to the people i was going to see this weekend

i'm sorry i wont be there but i need to have time to fix this

thank you for understanding and i am in such a better place already today than i was yesterday...

this will continue

thank you for kind words

thank you for support

thank you

at that moment i was desperate

so thank you

right now, i'm a weightless as lint,
and just as easily thrown away
my heart is homeless

i'm making this harder than it should be

i need to form a plan and escape

i think its time for some angry music and some kicking of my own bum

*insert banshee scream*

i can feel the anger building up in my bones

why do i always feel like i am stuck in glue from the waist up

i am not the captain of this ship, i dont want to be, i really really dont care about it anymore



my options

find another job,

set up small goals again

say fuck you i'm not your manager, and make those who get the wages wear the cap

i'm still working on it

advice is still needed

and its welcome

thank you for your kind words so far


you have really helped me

i just dont know what to do

i am so lost right now

and tired

and really empty



i want so many things

i wish i could work towards them right now,

i am so lost inside

please help me