So I guess it's pretty obvious I haven't really been on this site that often... ok, at all.
I'm busy. I'm enjoying RL. What can I say?
I still love a lot of you and that will never change, and if you for some reason don't have any of my contact info and have some kind of aversion to looking at my profile for it feel free to ask me directly. Or just contact me via PM or whatever. I don't see myself canceling my account any time soon. This site has helped me in many ways and I'm sure I'll eventually have a desire to spend more time here again. At the very least I'll want to check out the naked chicks.
But yeah, I won't really be on here much or at all. I'm sorry if you enjoyed my "silliness" or anything like that. But that's just the way things happen sometimes. I'll try to check out comments on this but a better way to make sure I actually read what you write (and respond if applicable) would be a PM. It goes to my e-mail which I can check more easily and do check more frequently.
Nothing really major to report other than saying all that. Hope you're all well.

Ummm... hi everybody!
*hides*
Stop throwing rocks! I have an excuse I promise! And a good one too!
Well, ok, not a good one. A sucky one. But it's a true one and that's gotta count for something.

My "absence" explained:
In a word? Work. Work, work work, some more work, a little work, with work on the side, and everybody's old favorite, work. This job is slowly tearing me apart. Not because it's a bad job or anything like that. It's still the best job I've ever had. And even though my previous jobs weren't something you'd brag about that doesn't mean this job isn't great. It is. It's a really awesome job. There's just a metric fuck-ton of work to do. And it's never ending. And everybody wants their thing done NOW. And at the same time everybody recognizes that there's just too much work to do. So people say things like "Hey... the client's really on my ass about this. Do you have any idea when you might be able to get to it?" Which sounds really polite and nice in theory but once you've dealt with about twenty of them you almost long for somebody to yell at you. Even though it's not really your fault. So that, and ninjutsu have been taking up all my time lately. In fact I've been missing ninjutsu more than I'd like because of work. And as much as I love all of you guys and this site, ninjutsu has really become my life. And if I don't have time for that... well, I'm sorry. I even put food second to ninjutsu, so don't feel too bad m'kay?

But I know I'm not the only busy one. Plenty of you are working like 60 hour weeks or struggling with all sorts of things and you guys still have time to keep in touch with people here. Well, I'm an ass I guess. I don't really feel like one and I'm pretty sure most of you wouldn't say I am one or anything, but that's the only really logical explanation. To make up for it I'm going to give you all some insight into what my introspective mind has come up with on those nights where I don't have the energy to move or keep my eyes open but I still can't sleep because my brain won't shut up.

Actually... I won't do that... sorry. I can't really think of a way to make it interesting to anybody other than me. I suppose it's enough to say that I continue to learn more and more about myself every day. It's interesting, scary, funny, pathetic, awesome and pretty much any adjective you can think of all at the same time. Which contributes to my exhaustion I'm sure. It does eventually push me to sleep.

I don't like to think that I'm losing touch with people. If you feel like we haven't talked in a while, please, send me a message or a text or comment here or whatever you want to do. I honestly will probably respond. As busy as I am I can manage to reply to a message here or there. I'm just too busy to go seeking conversation myself. I know that's pretty selfish and sucky of me. I'm sorry. My buddy list is almost permanently minimized, I almost never have SG open in a tab. E-mail is pretty much the only thing I actually check on my own. And I do a lot more reading than writing there. I miss you guys. I just can't mess around on the boards or with peoples' blogs these days. I'm sorry.

Ok, and after all that, I'll leave you with a bit of introspection that some of you might find interesting. This is a tad "graphic" so if you're not interested you don't have to click the spoiler.

Now I'm going to listen to loud music and do a little practice. It's way too late, but I'm too amped to sleep just yet. And I've done enough thinking tonight.

FUCK THIS SITE! FUCK IT WITH A BIG RUSTY NAIL!
I was just about done with a very detailed explanation of what I've been doing for a while when my computer decided to go back a page and lose it all. Why am I pissed at the site then? Because I didn't sleep much last night and I'll be pissed at whatever I want to be pissed at thank you very much.

Let's try this again.

My previous blog shows you what happens when you write a blog on three hours of sleep while dreading to go to work. I'm still on three hours of sleep and many more awake but at least I'm not dreading going to work so let's see if I can say something more interesting.

The weekend before last I had an amazing kicking workshop at my dojo. Words can't express how fulfilling, exhausting, enlightening, amazing it was so I won't try. Just imaging me kicking a lot. A lot. And then some more. And take that and multiply it by 5. Then square it. Ok, you're close. I couldn't really walk so well for several days after. I loved it. I love kicking!

This picture was in my accidentally erased post. I think it was something about what my kicking will be like when I perfect the technique of it. I don't know. Use your imagination.


Ummm last weekend I hung out with Kindle which was a blast as always. She's awesome and any of you that are lucky enough to hang out with her are... lucky... ok now I'm just being redundant. Oh well.

Work sucks. We're waaaay overdue with all our tasks mainly because I'm the only one working on them because everybody else is too busy working on other tasks. The guy that checks my code is being a total douche which is equal parts annoying and amusing. But don't tell him I said that. It might hurt his feelings. The prick.

Ummm... yeah, so that's it in the condensed, pulling from memory, pissed at having to repeat myself version. I'm trying to keep in touch with people here but I'm having trouble.

Oh yeah, a huge thanks to Kleio (who probably won't see this because she's probably even busier than I am) for introducing me to Steven Brust. More specifically his Adventures of Vlad Taltos. It's been a while since I read something that was incredibly light hearted, incredibly profound, incredibly exciting and just... just amazing all at once. I'm loving it. I'll leave you with a quote from the current installment I'm reading that had me cracking up like a madman on the bus and earned me plenty of dirty looks from all the people around me. The musings of Kiera, master thief:

New blog post!
About damn time.

Obviously I've been a little too busy for this site lately I'm afraid. That doesn't mean I'm too busy for any of you though! Ok, yes it does. Whatever, I don't know. Shut up. I don't want to go to work. I want to cry just so I don't have to move. But I don't have anything to cry about and also, oh, right, I can't. What? Shut up! No you shut up!

Happy?

This is a blog about honor. I can think of somebody that might be a bit displeased with this blog if he/she sees it, but I don't think that's likely and if he/she does for some reason see it I hope he/she will realize that this is only very briefly inspired by recent event. It is a topic I've thought on for quite some time and only now feel like I've connected enough dots to actually put it in English. I realize that the timing of this post may come off in as vindictive. Please believe that is not my intention. My mind was whirring and I had to get it down before it went cold.

To be honorable or chivalrous or whatever word you chose to use is very hard. Not only because it requires you to put the immediate needs of others before the wants of your and in some case even a few of your needs. That is comparatively rather easy. The difficult thing is that it is by very definition impossible to discuss how difficult it is. Because as soon as you disclose how hard of a time you're having you are instantly less chivalrous or honorable. You are now making your needs an issue. This by itself is not the problem. The problem is that it makes the people who you were caring for on edge. They are suddenly aware of how their problems affect the person they've been unloading them on. And even when it's not a case of somebody unloading their problems on you this is an issue. What if it's somebody's actions? Something that, though you have no right, displeases you? You couldn't possibly dream of voicing that could you? You're suddenly making somebody feel guilty about something that has absolutely nothing to do with you. Maybe they'll feel like they should be more secretive? Or like they should somehow stop? Or maybe they'll be more rational and become upset with the person that's made them feel this way.

Now not only are you being dishonorable by introducing troubles into somebody else's life. Whether it's adding troubles onto an already very troubled mind or sullying a perfect happiness, you have suddenly done the exact opposite of upholding honor. Or maybe you don't. Maybe you just make somebody worry about you. I suppose there's nothing terribly wrong about that is there?

So honor is fantastic if you have an acceptable outlet for when it gets to be too much. Except an acceptable outlet is difficult to find. You need somebody that's perfectly at peace, not overjoyed or overburdened and at the same time strong enough to not be pushed to either side by your unloading. Which is why non-human outlets are so fantastic. Slamming your fists into a punching bag until your knuckles are raw can do wonders for your mood.

What's the problem here? What if you are not perfect? What if you're trying to be honorable and chivalrous, but you have your own problems. What if you're insecure? What if you're not confident? What if you yearn for attention? What if you're terrified of rejection? Ever seen The Shape of Things? I think that pretty much sums up my greatest fear in life. Not that I'm being molded so much, but that everything about my various relationships is complete bullshit. Nothing but a game to somebody. It's an irrational fear (although maybe one that's been slightly molded by mostly repressed experiences). But it's the one that makes me insecure and crave attention. I mean if it's all a game I might as well get as much as I can right?

If you detected a tone shift there I probably shouldn't write while watching or immediately after watching a movie. Where was I?

Honor.

Despite all that is fucked up about honor I have to believe that it is still right for people to be honorable. And as much as I'd like to declare that, having drawn all these negative associations to honor I will now think more strongly about myself. I will no longer believe that everybody around me is worth more consideration then I am. Well that's not going to happen. I don't know how to put myself first, respect other people and have social interaction. Some people do, I don't. I somehow managed to go my whole life without developing any form of social skills. I'm terrible at bullshitting. When I do, I almost inevitably take things to far or get too loud or, most often, freeze. For me, honor is the only thing that I can hold to. And anything dishonorable makes me uncomfortable. And I firmly believe rightly so. This is one aspect of my behavior that I can rationalize and not feel like it's just a defense mechanism.

I'm starting to lose my train of thought here.
(A.K.A. The credits are rolling.)
So I'll finish with my requisite disclaimers:

Now in an overdue departure from my usual "I'm not really an attention whore!!!", some things I would welcome from my readers.

Please, feel free to contradict, correct, offer opposing or tangential views and whatever else you'd like on anything I've said. Tell me I'm right, tell me I'm wrong. Give me examples. Debate issues. (I can assure you I'll participate.)

Is it good to be chivalrous and honorable? Can it go too far (excluding any Deus Ex Machina situations). Do you consider yourself to be honorable? (Of course if you do you'd probably say something like you "try" to be honorable.) If you do how do you balance it with your own selfish needs? (Selfish is not a negative word people. It means having to do with your self.) And really anything else you'd like, but try not to focus too much on me or my issues. I'm interested with the ideas here. Not my own personal experiences. I think about those plenty.

New day, new mood.
Possible graphic descriptions lie ahead. You have been warned.

I'm not so much horny as hungry.

That probably makes a good amount of sense, but I'm going to explain it more anyways.

Horny is having a boner. Horny is needing to cum. Horny is a sometimes insatiable desire to get your rocks off.
Hungry is different. Hungry is horny++. Hungry is all the things horny is and then some.

Hungry is a desire to feel a body pulsing against yours. To hold skin in your hands that is not your own and to feel it getting warmer and slicker as you work on it. To squeeze and feel flesh pushing between your fingers. To rake your nails and watch the welts appear. Feeling the warmth that goes with them. Throwing a body around like a rag-doll and then gathering it up in your arms.

Hungry is wanting things you don't know how to put into words. Thins you don't even know how to put into thoughts.

I am hungry. And accutely aware of how empty my plate is.

EDIT: And look at that, posted at 11:11. What are the odds?

I guess I should update.
And what better time than drunk and high?
Except I haven't had anything to drink.
And I haven't done any drugs.
... but that's how I feel.
I think.

I feel like my body is completely dis-jointed. Like all my limbs are floating like Rayman.
I feel like I'm an alien. Like, green-skin, big eyes, the whole bit, except not in any specifics like that. I don't think I look any different or anything. I'm actually happy with how I look today.

I feel alone. I feel crowded. I feel happy. I feel panicked.

I don't know what the fuck I'm feeling right now. I don't think there's a word for it.

It's weird.

Don't worry, just don't mind me if I make no sense at all. Um... yeah I think that's it.
If I have to reassure everybody that posts here that I'm ok I'm gonna get annoyed.
And, no, this has nothing to do with any of you.

Ah fuck it. I hate being cut off from PMs if people want to reach me or something.

I'm back, but I'm not back. Fell free to judge this however you want.
I'm still staying away as much as possible, but you people can reach me if you feel the need.

So all things considered I had a pretty shitty day.

I woke up later than I wanted to. I did not have a recurrence of my excellent dream of the prior night. Although I really shouldn't complain about dreams. I have one every night that makes me wake up smiling. And that's more than anybody can ask for. I decided after much hemming and hawing to go to IHOP for a breakfast at lunch time (not a brunch). Really IHOP is the shitty part of the day. Let me elaborate.

IHOP was crowded. Ok, fine, I guess people like to come clog their arteries with fat after cleansing their souls in church. Makes sense I suppose. My problem with the crowd is where IHOP chose to seat me. Allow me to show you a diagram I have drawn in MS-paint:

Now, allow me to describe the layout with the aid of this diagram.

The Exit is where the door that allows all the draft in is located. This door is also very loud. Now usually if you're sitting in Some Tables section, you have that nice 4 ft high wall there that actually does a marvelous job of blocking out the chill and the noise. Where I'm sitting you are not protected by this wall. The chill and the noise reaches you quite easily. You'll have to trust me on that.

The Cashier is where the very lazy maître d' casually ignores you until he decides you aren't going away. Then he takes your name. Some how "Adam, just 1" Became "Aaron, four people". I had to correct him three times. I suppose English isn't his first language though so I really can't hold that against him. What I can hold against him is his use of a microphone to tell you over loud speaker when your table is ready. If you look at the space in front of the Cashier you'll note it's not very big. That's because there isn't much space. And even speaking in a library voice you would be able to understand the maître d' very easily. But this microphone did a fantastic job of annoying me while I was eating.

Now, the crude Star I've drawn represents the child sitting at the table on the other side of the short wall from me. He was busy practicing morse code on wall and driving his little toy truck along it. (I wonder if his parents had thought to let him know that trucks don't actually adhere to walls very well. I almost did but I thought better of it.)

The Pentagon is the area where people go to not disturb the people that are dining. You know, if you had to take a phone call of if your baby had decided to start screaming for something. This is normally very considerate and I'm sure you'd appreciate it if you were sitting in the Some Tables, More Tables, or even the Even More Tables sections. However, as is, It simply brought the phone conversations and crying babies closer to me.

All of this would have been bearable if not for the Isosceles Triangle. The Isosceles Triangle is where the normally lazy maître d' decided he would do something. What he did was (after I had been seated mind you) set up some seats. So that the people who were waiting for a table would have a place to rest their feet and have the added entertainment of observing me eat. To their credit, most people would politely stair at the floor and pretend to be as equally embarrassed by the situation as I was. There were some people however that would stare hungrily. This was most distracting. Even worse was when the maître d' decided he needed a break from being lazy so he sat in one of those chairs and flirted briefly with the bus girl. I say flirting but really what he was doing was criticizing me for eating by myself. I guess he wasn't aware that I also spoke Spanish. I would have informed him, but I was having trouble keeping myself from laughing out loud at the absurdity of the whole situation.

For some reason I still can't fathom, I tipped 27%. (The meal was only $7.87 so I thought I'd make the check an even $10. I guess I can fathom the reason.)



Now you know why I'm smiling right now? Despite the extremely distasteful mid-day? I came to a realization. It's been in the back of my head for some time now, but today was what proved it to me.
I'm reading again.

Really now I've been reading since the year began. I used to read incessantly when I was younger but then in High School I realized I enjoyed video games and television and also that reading wasn't cool so I more or less dropped the habit. I picked it back up in January and I've been very happy that I did. But today was when it really hit me that it was back. Despite all that horrible atmosphere and service, I managed to make it through my meal in relative comfort. I chuckled to myself. I was only peripherally aware that I was in a hell hole. Do you have any idea how wonderful it feels to have someone have to physically shove you (like my waitress did) just to get your attention because you are so absorbed in a book? It's the best feeling I've had in a long time save one. But that's a story for another blog.

EDIT: I kinda just went through and took a few people off my friend's list. I doubt anyone will notice because I only took off people that I didn't recognize or never ever talk to anymore. If you find yourself missing and you're pissed, send me a PM.

DOUBLE EDIT:
Since everybody has asked, I was reading Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman.
My sincere apologies for leaving that critical plot piece out.