Been a few days and I need to write a few words.

I have been able to fight the urges that has bogged me down for years. It's not easy, yet it's what I have to do. I have been given a second chance, so I don't want to ruin it this time, REALLY, REALLY I don't.

It's a struggle within to fight and stay strong!

Today was a rough ne and I am not going to lie, I was not feeling it at all. Guess the thoughts ran over me today in a major way. I feel I am pulling back from life and friends. Decided not to associate with some over the next few weeks, like my pre-planning? It's nothing against them of course, I just don't feel safe around others.

The more I think about my changing for the better, the more I don't want people in. I am a recluse for sure, yet at heart, I love to be around others and have fun.

My past was a nasty one, I feel abandoned, I don't trust well and I shut people out. I am way too fucking nice, basically I let others walk all over me, like a rug you wipe your feet on. I have gotten better, it's just not good enough.

My best friends are ones that don't talk, they understand me, are there for me and don't judge me at all.

The voice inside me is really POWERFUL at the moment and is driving me now. I have no control, its in the drivers seat.

Being better is what I cherish.

Today was a good day for me, no cravings, no ED. I did have thoughts, always have thoughts, always will probably. Didn't act on them, laid low and got past it.... SO FAR.

Cant believe I put myself through that again.

I am at a crossroads, get better or keep deconstructing myself. I was REALLY good for a period and have fallen off, actually being dragged by that DAMN wagon now.

What do I choose? It's not my choice at this point, I would like to sleep and make it all go away. It has such a hold and won't let go, I know I must over come this just scared like I said.

When will I awake to find it's safe?