Man, finally get back to my keyboard and nothing to say.
Well not nothing, got a tonne of stuff but just not in the mood.
Well not nothing, got a tonne of stuff but just not in the mood.
Well its been awhile, might even try and post this time. Seems like this internets thing ain't going away after all.
14.06.08
Still in a good mood. This is worrying me. Despite working out that K is probably right and we ain't going to work (I bet you any money she's decided the opposite right now) and despite mulling over my only regret in life (a girl at school) I'm still seeing clearly. Worries me, must all go wrong soon.
Still in a good mood. This is worrying me. Despite working out that K is probably right and we ain't going to work (I bet you any money she's decided the opposite right now) and despite mulling over my only regret in life (a girl at school) I'm still seeing clearly. Worries me, must all go wrong soon.
13.06.08
Right now my brain feels like it just wont stop screaming.
The maxim of "know they self" unforunatly really means "know everyone". So now I am being hit be flashes of understand of people and how they act, of our surface layer and the underkneeth that we are unaware of. This being me these flashes come and go and I cannot hold on to them, or find the right word to describe or write them down. Or even act on them. As always I need to learn how to start. I'm still the boy who will not read the transformer instructions or paint the model before gluing it together. Three steps of Taoist learning, no-Form, From, Formless. You cannont go strait to Fromless.
So I'm waking up again. Writing this has calmed the brain down some what. Today I'm moving closer to knowing I still love her, to knowing how to ask her back and yet knowing how to live without her. But knowing me this will all go wrong again sometime soon plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose.
Then there is K. I've let my desire take over and demand of me that which I am not. This has caused my much anxiety. Curisoly it was the way she treated me on Sunday that forced me to work all this out. It means I've got to cope with next week and get it all straight. I have to see J on Monday and tell her straight. Then when I see K next I have to tell her straight too. Just then have to not fuck up Glastonbury for everyone.
God damn it, time to learn how to be human.
1:08pm
Damn it, I was thinking of soe really good shit on the toilet, now its all gone and my head is under pressure again. It was something about how and what this all happened. Ah that was it.
Why do men need to be alone and why women can't. OK I could expand on that, but I don't feel the need to, let psycology students discuss that one. But generally men do seem to need to be alone and women can't. J once said she did not want to be one of those girlfirend who is always there. She always was. Most girls I've got to know are. Only time she wasn't was when she was writing her book, she even thanked me for giveing her the space to write her book. I think this was part of what went wrong. For all that time before when she was in trouble I knew her, I knew her realy well, I listened to her for hours. Then once she was better in the last few months she ended up putting all that into her book and stopped sharing it with me.
That makes some sense, well at least the pressure on my head has reduced.
Right now my brain feels like it just wont stop screaming.
The maxim of "know they self" unforunatly really means "know everyone". So now I am being hit be flashes of understand of people and how they act, of our surface layer and the underkneeth that we are unaware of. This being me these flashes come and go and I cannot hold on to them, or find the right word to describe or write them down. Or even act on them. As always I need to learn how to start. I'm still the boy who will not read the transformer instructions or paint the model before gluing it together. Three steps of Taoist learning, no-Form, From, Formless. You cannont go strait to Fromless.
So I'm waking up again. Writing this has calmed the brain down some what. Today I'm moving closer to knowing I still love her, to knowing how to ask her back and yet knowing how to live without her. But knowing me this will all go wrong again sometime soon plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose.
Then there is K. I've let my desire take over and demand of me that which I am not. This has caused my much anxiety. Curisoly it was the way she treated me on Sunday that forced me to work all this out. It means I've got to cope with next week and get it all straight. I have to see J on Monday and tell her straight. Then when I see K next I have to tell her straight too. Just then have to not fuck up Glastonbury for everyone.
God damn it, time to learn how to be human.
1:08pm
Damn it, I was thinking of soe really good shit on the toilet, now its all gone and my head is under pressure again. It was something about how and what this all happened. Ah that was it.
Why do men need to be alone and why women can't. OK I could expand on that, but I don't feel the need to, let psycology students discuss that one. But generally men do seem to need to be alone and women can't. J once said she did not want to be one of those girlfirend who is always there. She always was. Most girls I've got to know are. Only time she wasn't was when she was writing her book, she even thanked me for giveing her the space to write her book. I think this was part of what went wrong. For all that time before when she was in trouble I knew her, I knew her realy well, I listened to her for hours. Then once she was better in the last few months she ended up putting all that into her book and stopped sharing it with me.
That makes some sense, well at least the pressure on my head has reduced.
So I will have to try and win her back. How? By seeing her for who she is again By trying to understand what it is that gets her up in the morning. All the things that I'd forgotten to do for months. All these things that I couldn't do for months because I was locked in depression that she couldn't see.
It scares me in some ways because what if I do get her back by showing her that I want to understand who she is again. Are we all so psychologically simple. If I don't then why could she not stand by me for a few months when I stood y her for so many years. Thinking to much. Just do what is needed.
It scares me in some ways because what if I do get her back by showing her that I want to understand who she is again. Are we all so psychologically simple. If I don't then why could she not stand by me for a few months when I stood y her for so many years. Thinking to much. Just do what is needed.
I've been fretting all day, its been real tough. As I was getting changed at the gym, it struck me that I'm still in love with her. I've been pretending for months, bottling it all up. Its just not worked, I can't pretend. I've been real unfair to K as well. What can I do now? No matter how pointless I've got tell her I want her back.
Went out in the garden for a smoke, it has started to smell like summer. I hope this is a good sign, this has been a rotten week.
This shit just goes on and on. This is what you suffer for being a true believer. Leaves me half wishing for the singularity of Newspeak, narrowed down margin, less room for mis understanding. Like this shit with Kate. What perspective do I take. Take Ocrams Razor and go simplest, which is accept what she says. The trust prinsiple works for this to. But modern life clinches, says a statement like "I think you need a friend right now" means your fucked, or not. Fuck it, back to the Wire. Sort you life out MacNulty.
