I've an odd relationship with pornography, having been raised by various sorts of feminists and having learned to be carefully respectful of the women in my life. Not to mention having been in a relationship with the same woman for nearly five years. I read Getting Off last year, and it really articulated a lot of the unease I have had about my relationship to pornography. I like to think that Suicidegirls is on the better side of things - I'd hesitate to call SG "porn", as this place is thankfully devoid of "hardcore fucking" and all of the attendant violence and degradation and seems concerned with building a community (albeit, an online community) of members and models with interests beyond nudity and masturbation... but I still feel a bit odd about the whole thing.

Getting Off argues that pornography teaches men to regard women in a certain way, not only seeing them as sexual objects, but as victims, objects of violent impulse. SG, on the other hand, idolizes the women chosen as models, seems to seek to make a safe place to revel in their nudity. The community, the writing which accompanies these images, is entirely unique in my experience of the pornographic image. All of this makes Suicidegirls.com seem much less exploitative than run of the mill porn, and I love that aspect of the site.

Still, I wonder what the fantasy is for. Am I missing out on the sexual revolution by not participating in the forums? Is the worship of the image of the body, the female form as scattered and reassembled from packets of data, is it healthy, ordinary? Is it something like having a cigarette?

I suppose I'm asking myself why I'm in the closet about this. Is coming by yourself, in and of itself, a nasty habit?

still smoking hopefully i'll die before TOO long

i moved to another part of this little city of mine and i find the trees here agreeable. they keep the sunlight off the pavement and the whole place about ten degrees cooler. better still, i am on the first floor and my drums are in the basement. i couldn't ask for more.

well, maybe i could ask for a job. damn it.

holy shit... it's nice out

and i don't have to stay two extra hours at work dealing with someone else's innane problems, either! i must be dreaming

i've been smoking cigarettes lately and it wierds me out a bit. i haven't actually bought a pack for myself yet, but i've thought about it. it's kinda strange. i've always considered smoking one of the most supremely illogical things you could ever do. even if you're trying to kill yourself, there are much faster ways. but, unfortunately, i think i'm starting to understand cigarettes. they're a prop, a way to fidget without seeming like you're uncomfortable. they're a way to steal a minute or two of peace when you're stuck at work on a busy night. they're a way to sublimate your self destructive urges. wrap them up in two and a half inches of tobacco.

i don't want to be "a smoker" though. i mean, i've never really cared if people around me were doing it, but most of the people whose opinions really count to me think that it's disgusting, so i sneak a cigarette or two at work or at wierd parties, i keep it secret. maybe that's part of it, too... it's nice to have a secret again. as wonderful as it is to share everything with someone, i guess maybe i need something like that, to really feel like myself.
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the other night, my girlfriend and i listened to sleep's dopesmoker from start to finish. it was totally fucking ridiculous and a lot of fun. i think we both dozed off at different parts. it was kinda relaxing. we didn't smoke until the last fifteen minutes. it was a pretty good way to spend an hour.

i found the guitar i lost the last time i wrote in this thing, and i recently broke it at a show (by accident). i bought two more guitars since then, so it's okay.

i haven't been keeping up journals too well lately but i found the lost guitar and it looks like i may get it back for free so i figured i'd post here.

since i posted last, i fell in love with a girl (who just moved to sf). she's the first straight girl i've ever been with oddly enough. my band has been playing out a bunch and we're getting ready to record something soon. i went on a cross country trip this summer and hopefully i'll repeat that with my band soon enough, i'm getting antsy just sitting around in the city.

my computer is wicked slow which makes this journal entry a total pain in the ass... so that's it.


oh, except i have to say the TWW interview, both very cool and very wierd cuz there were wires are kinda just some dudes, around boston. whatever.