rubberduckytat Okay http://toybox.becerotic.com finally has a new video review up....It's just a teaser and not the in depth review of the toy but enjoy
I’m private
Spent all weekend revamping my site, pretty much tore it down just to build it all back up, in a very amateur, doing things the hard way, type way. So after doing all that and finally getting it back up and running I am kinda proud but mostly sleep deping. Becerotica is a site that has Adult themed informative and playful blogs; Toy box (reviews and musings about sex toys), Erotica (everything to do with erotica writings), Sex Talk ( Podcast blog about random musings of sex, dating, and finding the right one or the one right now), and Cooking (random yes but a blog about cooking, gadgetry, and recipes). Along with that there is a Forum (trying to build a nice little community, and not in a creepy cult way) and also photo galleries so far I'm my own BBW model but maybe it will change some day, best of all its all free.
I'm pretty darn proud of the site and been spending most of my free time for the last month working on it, its a work in progress but I do like to think it is progressing, I really need to get out more lol.
I'm pretty darn proud of the site and been spending most of my free time for the last month working on it, its a work in progress but I do like to think it is progressing, I really need to get out more lol.
Wow it’s been a busy week in a half to say the least x_x. The apple turnovers did turn out great though that at least I can say, everyone including myself were thoroughly impressed. Since then I’ve gotten pretty bold in expanding my culinary skills and silently I keep waiting for the day when I eat something I make that makes me wish I didn’t have my taste back, so far though it hasn’t happened. The other night though I thought would be the night that would make me hang up my apron and hang my head in shame. I decided to make Sherried Brisling on Toast. Yes I know I’ve been watching the FoodNetwork again, really seems like the only channel I can stand to watch for any amount of time at night now-a-days everything else seems to be some stupid reality tv show. Besides when watching FoodNetwork it seems I’m always inspired to try my hand at something new and shape the recipe into my own concoction.
Anyways for those who don’t know what brisling are, they are sardines, you know those little oily fish that are packed in a tin usually. Now personally I like fish, and love going out for sushi and sashimi but have always been leery of sardines, because they are known for their over powering fishy taste. However for whatever reason I decide to give the recipe a try, to the joy of everyone in this household (sarcasm), the smell coming from the kitchen once I opened the tins did not inspire faith in anyone (well other than the household cats) either. But I bravely held my breath and carried on with my plan to complete dinner. Well sometimes I can really be a ditz and apparently that night I was because I ended up burning the toast (not bad enough to set off any smoke alarms nearby but still). Even with the burnt toast the dish came out fantastically. The smell coming from the kitchen was misleading for the sardines didn’t taste all the fishy and didn’t make anyone sick.
Today because I had nothing better to do, or maybe because I was procrastinating I decided to get some baking done. I ended up making black raspberry and ginger scones, let’s just say the smells coming out of this kitchen earlier were practically orgasmic. I have to say that one of my favorite smells is black raspberries when they are in the form of some baked good. Warm scones, with a drizzle of honey and a hot cup of tea made this afternoon a wonderful place to be in. So anyway here is the scone recipe if anyone feels the need for them, they taste great when they are still warm, with dark honey drizzled on top and a little bit of butter, or if you are lucky to have clotted cream.
Black Raspberry Scones
2 cups all-flour
3 tablespoons sugar
1 tablespoon baking powder
½ teaspoon salt
1 tablespoons unsalted butter, cut into four pads, and room temp
1 cup heavy cream
1 cup frozen black raspberries, thawed
1 teaspoon freshly grated ginger root
1 Adjust an oven rack to the middle position and heat the oven to 450 degrees. Wisk the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt in a medium sized bowl until well blended. Add the butter and ginger and mix until the mixture looks somewhat like wet sand.
2 Add the thawed black raspberries and use your hand to mix them in so you don’t end up smashing them up, once they are thoroughly covered add the cup of cream and either continue to mix by hand or with a silicon spatula (the whole thing is going to become very sticky but don’t worry)
3 Lightly flour the counter and turn the dough out onto it, then dust your hands with flour and a little of it on top of the dough and start to kneed. The dough is going to stick to your fingers and a bit to the counter no matter what, so if you feel the need to add more flour try to resist. Press the dough into a 9inch cake pan, unmold the dough and cut it into 6 wedges and place on an ungreased backing sheet.
4 Bake for about 12 to 25 minutes or until you can poke a tooth pick through the thickest part and come away free with no or little crumbs. Cool on a wire rack for at least 10 minutes, serve warm or at room temperature.
Anyways for those who don’t know what brisling are, they are sardines, you know those little oily fish that are packed in a tin usually. Now personally I like fish, and love going out for sushi and sashimi but have always been leery of sardines, because they are known for their over powering fishy taste. However for whatever reason I decide to give the recipe a try, to the joy of everyone in this household (sarcasm), the smell coming from the kitchen once I opened the tins did not inspire faith in anyone (well other than the household cats) either. But I bravely held my breath and carried on with my plan to complete dinner. Well sometimes I can really be a ditz and apparently that night I was because I ended up burning the toast (not bad enough to set off any smoke alarms nearby but still). Even with the burnt toast the dish came out fantastically. The smell coming from the kitchen was misleading for the sardines didn’t taste all the fishy and didn’t make anyone sick.
Today because I had nothing better to do, or maybe because I was procrastinating I decided to get some baking done. I ended up making black raspberry and ginger scones, let’s just say the smells coming out of this kitchen earlier were practically orgasmic. I have to say that one of my favorite smells is black raspberries when they are in the form of some baked good. Warm scones, with a drizzle of honey and a hot cup of tea made this afternoon a wonderful place to be in. So anyway here is the scone recipe if anyone feels the need for them, they taste great when they are still warm, with dark honey drizzled on top and a little bit of butter, or if you are lucky to have clotted cream.
Black Raspberry Scones
2 cups all-flour
3 tablespoons sugar
1 tablespoon baking powder
½ teaspoon salt
1 tablespoons unsalted butter, cut into four pads, and room temp
1 cup heavy cream
1 cup frozen black raspberries, thawed
1 teaspoon freshly grated ginger root
1 Adjust an oven rack to the middle position and heat the oven to 450 degrees. Wisk the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt in a medium sized bowl until well blended. Add the butter and ginger and mix until the mixture looks somewhat like wet sand.
2 Add the thawed black raspberries and use your hand to mix them in so you don’t end up smashing them up, once they are thoroughly covered add the cup of cream and either continue to mix by hand or with a silicon spatula (the whole thing is going to become very sticky but don’t worry)
3 Lightly flour the counter and turn the dough out onto it, then dust your hands with flour and a little of it on top of the dough and start to kneed. The dough is going to stick to your fingers and a bit to the counter no matter what, so if you feel the need to add more flour try to resist. Press the dough into a 9inch cake pan, unmold the dough and cut it into 6 wedges and place on an ungreased backing sheet.
4 Bake for about 12 to 25 minutes or until you can poke a tooth pick through the thickest part and come away free with no or little crumbs. Cool on a wire rack for at least 10 minutes, serve warm or at room temperature.
Its been a sobering week hence why I’m not, don’t have to work tomorrow so I indulged in some bourbon, I like it neat. Any bit of child in me (and apparently there was some left) grew up totally this week, and that isn’t a bad thing just kind of sad. I can only claim to have fallen in love once so far as my life goes (tons of crushes, unrequited and whatnot though) and luckily I can very well claim the young dumb and naïve defense about it all. But this time around I have only myself to blame, I decided against any sanity to look up that ex that I loved once upon a time (over six years ago) and only because I was curious as how he was doing (no animosity) and because that child in me hoped with him pushing thirty he had changed or at least grew.
Honestly to anyone out there chances are that those you hope have changed over time haven’t or if they have they grew up enough for someone else to find them and scoop them up either or it just means disappointment. To me it was in the form of not changing, in a way I really wish it was the other, I wish he grew up and was married, and hell with even as against reproducing I am, I wish he had the kid thing going on, that way I could be happy for him, wish him the best, laugh about old times, and say farewell. For me though talking to him was like nothing had ever changed which struck me the hardest because I have changed from that almost virginal 18 year old that I was when I first met him and when his supposed fucked up ness was so cool. Now though I know that those excuses about himself that he used to keep himself from working was only that an excuse. Sure granted he was depress (but really who isn’t now a days) but he learned how to lie about what was wrong with him and I learned at that time to ignore reality and he was a good break from it. However once the real world and what can come of it hit me fully I realized just how childish he was and I was. I grew from that (not sure if it was my choice or just circumstance) and in my growing up I cut all ties with him no matter how hard he tried to get in touch with me (internet wise) blocking it all was my friend.
A few weeks ago though I was feeling melancholy and curious and with the encouragement of a close friend that didn’t know the whole history I looked him up on facebook and added him to talk with him and find out about how his life became. Nothing had changed, except I had become the newest excuse (even though it would be a five or so year excuse) on why he couldn’t live his life to its full potential, why he was still single, why he was living off of everyone, etcetera. All the things that I would be ashamed of saying if I was in his place he said, and knowing his background, in private I laugh at knowing all the bullshit that he was saying and then felt sad because I think that it’s not really a front, he really believes what he says rather it is true or not and in that it is as debilitating as anything real sadly. Myself I am not really were I want to be in life but am working toward it, and though I spoke the truth (or danced around it) I never blamed anyone for anything but just stated that I was working on myself and that even though some days it was hard I never stop.
Honestly to anyone out there chances are that those you hope have changed over time haven’t or if they have they grew up enough for someone else to find them and scoop them up either or it just means disappointment. To me it was in the form of not changing, in a way I really wish it was the other, I wish he grew up and was married, and hell with even as against reproducing I am, I wish he had the kid thing going on, that way I could be happy for him, wish him the best, laugh about old times, and say farewell. For me though talking to him was like nothing had ever changed which struck me the hardest because I have changed from that almost virginal 18 year old that I was when I first met him and when his supposed fucked up ness was so cool. Now though I know that those excuses about himself that he used to keep himself from working was only that an excuse. Sure granted he was depress (but really who isn’t now a days) but he learned how to lie about what was wrong with him and I learned at that time to ignore reality and he was a good break from it. However once the real world and what can come of it hit me fully I realized just how childish he was and I was. I grew from that (not sure if it was my choice or just circumstance) and in my growing up I cut all ties with him no matter how hard he tried to get in touch with me (internet wise) blocking it all was my friend.
A few weeks ago though I was feeling melancholy and curious and with the encouragement of a close friend that didn’t know the whole history I looked him up on facebook and added him to talk with him and find out about how his life became. Nothing had changed, except I had become the newest excuse (even though it would be a five or so year excuse) on why he couldn’t live his life to its full potential, why he was still single, why he was living off of everyone, etcetera. All the things that I would be ashamed of saying if I was in his place he said, and knowing his background, in private I laugh at knowing all the bullshit that he was saying and then felt sad because I think that it’s not really a front, he really believes what he says rather it is true or not and in that it is as debilitating as anything real sadly. Myself I am not really were I want to be in life but am working toward it, and though I spoke the truth (or danced around it) I never blamed anyone for anything but just stated that I was working on myself and that even though some days it was hard I never stop.
Has this ever happened to you...you are getting ready to try out recipe; excitedly you start to gather all your ingredients, checking back and forth with the recipe until you come across that dreaded word...buttermilk. If you are anything like me, you rarely have buttermilk in the fridge, and you really don't want to put everything away and head to the store, never fear here's a little trick I picked up... Just add a tablespoon of either plane white vinegar or lemon juice to every cup of milk and let stand for ten minutes. I know that this doesn't sound appetizing and it might even look like the milk is going to curdle but don't worry. Once you use the imitation buttermilk your recipe you won’t even taste the vinegar or lemon juice, it really does taste like you used real buttermilk. Just make sure you let it stand for at least 10minutes
When it comes to sexual orientation I’m the one (amongst many) that is stuck in that grey area. Both sides, gay and straight seem to be fixed in their stances in which the bi side isn’t really seen as anything other than as someone being confused or pressured. But if someone can love and or be attracted to a person despite their gender why is that such a bad thing? Granted I’m not talking to those who just pretend to like a girl or drunkenly kiss one because that is what their boyfriends want I can fully understand how that would anger the gay and lesbian community that honestly has had to struggle against a lot of things, and still does. But what about us few individuals that are truly unsure of who we will love or give ourselves to, physically or as a whole. For me and what has happened to myself I distrust men as a whole and the majority of my lays are male, but when it comes to females I am picker in what I am attracted to because in a way I respect women a whole hell of a lot more than I do men. If and when I am with a girl it is because I have connected with her on several levels. And sadly for the most part when I am with a guy it is because I am punishing myself for whatever preconceived notion that I am dealing with at the time. The few times I have been with a woman had nothing to do with self-hatred, but more with self exploration, fulfillment, and discovery. Don’t get me wrong I’m still a one woman person, I’m not into threesomes or being with someone as long as I can be with someone else on the side. You are either with someone in whole better or for worse, meaning when it gets to bad your break out of said relationship, or you stay. As for just meeting a physical, you should let whoever you are with at the moment know that you are only having sex with them because you feel the need to have sex, and that it will go no farther than that moment. Most aren’t that open and yes I can even raise my hand and claim that occasionally I haven’t been upfront on my own needs and wants and always it does blow up for both people.
Honestly though men I just see as something to either play with or fuck for a night and if I do fuck them it has nothing to really do with them but only to do with what I am feeling with at the moment. I tend to want to have relationships with females, a few that were out of my reach and others that I spent time with physically and emotionally but didn’t end up into anything more than what it was. Strangely I have always been able to open up better to a female and there for have a crush on them, and as for men I’ve always been able to see their weakness and hating that in myself and manifested that onto them. So in the end I deify women and always find them special in their own way, and abhor men because in a way I see myself in them and I also seem them as what I’ve feared from younger lessons. Yet if I was to look at that rationally and run with it than I would also detest women because I have been taught that no matter what gender you are people are out for themselves, hell I am out for only myself. My own family (immediate) , for my own diluted and drummed in delusions, are the only ones that I will fight and protect no matter what (rather I hate them at the moment or not), and yet even them I don’t really give my whole to, I always keep things back. The romantic in me likes to think there is someone out there where I will/can unload everything onto and vice-versa, we build onto that and become together and unstoppable. The realist in me knows that this is just a fantasy, nothing is that easy, there is no one out there that will except me for me non judgmental and vice-versa.
But if you ask me on any given day, what I fantasize about or see myself with in the end, I will always describe (looks veering) a list of ideals nothing physical, I truly am not looking for anything gender wise, just looking for someone who will accept all of me, someone who I don’t feel the need to play or pretend to be something other than what I am. In a way I am laying all of it on the other personal but also in a way I am opening myself up to someone who sparks something in myself due to growing together where I can love them and let them love me.
Honestly though men I just see as something to either play with or fuck for a night and if I do fuck them it has nothing to really do with them but only to do with what I am feeling with at the moment. I tend to want to have relationships with females, a few that were out of my reach and others that I spent time with physically and emotionally but didn’t end up into anything more than what it was. Strangely I have always been able to open up better to a female and there for have a crush on them, and as for men I’ve always been able to see their weakness and hating that in myself and manifested that onto them. So in the end I deify women and always find them special in their own way, and abhor men because in a way I see myself in them and I also seem them as what I’ve feared from younger lessons. Yet if I was to look at that rationally and run with it than I would also detest women because I have been taught that no matter what gender you are people are out for themselves, hell I am out for only myself. My own family (immediate) , for my own diluted and drummed in delusions, are the only ones that I will fight and protect no matter what (rather I hate them at the moment or not), and yet even them I don’t really give my whole to, I always keep things back. The romantic in me likes to think there is someone out there where I will/can unload everything onto and vice-versa, we build onto that and become together and unstoppable. The realist in me knows that this is just a fantasy, nothing is that easy, there is no one out there that will except me for me non judgmental and vice-versa.
But if you ask me on any given day, what I fantasize about or see myself with in the end, I will always describe (looks veering) a list of ideals nothing physical, I truly am not looking for anything gender wise, just looking for someone who will accept all of me, someone who I don’t feel the need to play or pretend to be something other than what I am. In a way I am laying all of it on the other personal but also in a way I am opening myself up to someone who sparks something in myself due to growing together where I can love them and let them love me.
It was an interesting time yesterday and just makes me want to get to San Diego all that much faster, funny how spending a few hours on the phone with K.K can do that to a person. We took a small trip down memory road which started with me teasing her about lusting after some emo lead singer. In a normal context that wouldn’t be so funny but my lil K.K. hates the whole emo scene with a passion that some people reserve to hating Nazis, so I got a perverse pleasure out of teasing her. Which turned into a discussion on the difference between goth and emo, and that my friends turned into my usually battle cry of I want a tall gothic prince. K.K. felt the need to remind me that once upon a time I had that fantasy…with Rehab. Apparently when I set out to destroy a fantasy I do it so well that even I have no clue what the hell happened. I do have to admit it was a great two weeks were I was able to shrug off the reality of being a skittish, fidgety college student and become the goth princess of my own fairytale.
So this is how it all happened; I was going to City at the time and because it was so much easier I mostly took the trolley to get there. One day after Art History I started my short walk back to the trolley looking forward to going home and pushing off a midterm of something. While crossing the intersection, still lost in thought, I looked up and saw him, well technically what I really saw was his trench coat which teased a smile from my lips. I kept on walking though still lost in my thoughts, Rehab apparently liked what he saw too because he ended up back tracking so he could chat me up. It has been so long that I don’t even remember what we talked about, anyway he offered to accompany me on my ride home. He was cute, dressed all in black, blond spiky hair (yes I know not the perfect goth prince of my dreams but we all have to make sacrifices). We stood at the back of the trolley and as clichéd as it is, with the right placed bump we were both in each other’s personal space. He had that aggressive power about him that just flat out does it for me, and as close as we were physically, he took the initiative and his lips descended on my own (well he was my height so there wasn’t much descending). It was a powerful yet chaste kiss, we made plans to meet down in Old Town the next day since I didn’t have any classes and we did. It was a powerful animal magnetism we consummated our mutual lust in a secluded place amongst nature and trees and all that fun shit. Actually it wasn’t all that bad since it was back in the day where I didn’t care about bugs or getting branches and dirt in unfun places. He was a gentleman and laid down his trench coat before we started rutting around lol. Even with as secluded as the place was, we almost got caught, which sadly for me just made it a bit more exciting and just that much funnier. From then on he would ride the Trolley with me to school (yes that should’ve sent up a red flag, very stalkerish) but it was all part of the whole fantasy, and was cute when he got after me for cutting classes. The sex was fun since we really couldn’t keep our hands off each other but what ended it was one day we were walking around and he brought up that we should just go to the court house and get married , and he just went downhill into crazy land from there and for me it was all over. I started going late and or early to my classes to avoid him, stopped taking his calls and just hoped it would all blow over. One of the last calls I took he told me he became born again. Now honestly I don’t give a rats ass about religion as long as it’s not pressed on me, but my whole fantasy about him was him being this gothic, pagan, aggressively powerful guy (well yes the fantasy was over by that point but still). Then the last call I got was him telling me that he was in rehab (hence the nickname now Rehab)
So now whenever I bitch to K.K. about wanting my gothic prince she reminds me that I once had that and inevitably destroyed it, somehow I made it find religion and sober up. But hell those two weeks were great and I would be willing to do that again with someone that catches my eyes (keep in mind it would only be two weeks, after that I have to get back to reality and inevitably realize just how annoying said person is). But I have become comfortable to the fact that I’m attracted to crazy (not batshit crazy, just a little crazy), it adds a dark tinge to the courtship and sex. Yeah I know I have issues and now since it is still early enough I’m going to go lay down and masturbate to my own internal fantasies.
So this is how it all happened; I was going to City at the time and because it was so much easier I mostly took the trolley to get there. One day after Art History I started my short walk back to the trolley looking forward to going home and pushing off a midterm of something. While crossing the intersection, still lost in thought, I looked up and saw him, well technically what I really saw was his trench coat which teased a smile from my lips. I kept on walking though still lost in my thoughts, Rehab apparently liked what he saw too because he ended up back tracking so he could chat me up. It has been so long that I don’t even remember what we talked about, anyway he offered to accompany me on my ride home. He was cute, dressed all in black, blond spiky hair (yes I know not the perfect goth prince of my dreams but we all have to make sacrifices). We stood at the back of the trolley and as clichéd as it is, with the right placed bump we were both in each other’s personal space. He had that aggressive power about him that just flat out does it for me, and as close as we were physically, he took the initiative and his lips descended on my own (well he was my height so there wasn’t much descending). It was a powerful yet chaste kiss, we made plans to meet down in Old Town the next day since I didn’t have any classes and we did. It was a powerful animal magnetism we consummated our mutual lust in a secluded place amongst nature and trees and all that fun shit. Actually it wasn’t all that bad since it was back in the day where I didn’t care about bugs or getting branches and dirt in unfun places. He was a gentleman and laid down his trench coat before we started rutting around lol. Even with as secluded as the place was, we almost got caught, which sadly for me just made it a bit more exciting and just that much funnier. From then on he would ride the Trolley with me to school (yes that should’ve sent up a red flag, very stalkerish) but it was all part of the whole fantasy, and was cute when he got after me for cutting classes. The sex was fun since we really couldn’t keep our hands off each other but what ended it was one day we were walking around and he brought up that we should just go to the court house and get married , and he just went downhill into crazy land from there and for me it was all over. I started going late and or early to my classes to avoid him, stopped taking his calls and just hoped it would all blow over. One of the last calls I took he told me he became born again. Now honestly I don’t give a rats ass about religion as long as it’s not pressed on me, but my whole fantasy about him was him being this gothic, pagan, aggressively powerful guy (well yes the fantasy was over by that point but still). Then the last call I got was him telling me that he was in rehab (hence the nickname now Rehab)
So now whenever I bitch to K.K. about wanting my gothic prince she reminds me that I once had that and inevitably destroyed it, somehow I made it find religion and sober up. But hell those two weeks were great and I would be willing to do that again with someone that catches my eyes (keep in mind it would only be two weeks, after that I have to get back to reality and inevitably realize just how annoying said person is). But I have become comfortable to the fact that I’m attracted to crazy (not batshit crazy, just a little crazy), it adds a dark tinge to the courtship and sex. Yeah I know I have issues and now since it is still early enough I’m going to go lay down and masturbate to my own internal fantasies.
If I was smart I would stop this now and save two people from getting hurt in the end, but with everything I’ve been called, smart really isn’t one of them. So I’m trying to reserve myself to the fact that I am going to get deeply hurt (unfortunately) and maybe even end up hurting the other party, bright side is that when I’m hurt I probably won’t feel the guilt of hurting someone else, down side I will hurt and he will hurt and everything will be a mess (I’m used to messes hell that is what my life is). I really should come with a pdf. Manual that has the option to download new stuff weekly. That way whoever would know exactly the right things to do and say to nullify any excuse I’d use to end the relationship. Said manual would beep in the middle of any conflict to give advice on how to continue. What is bringing this up is there is this guy (isn’t it always there is this other person thing going on), who’ve I conditioned to be just something of a sexual object (for the both of us) and in moments where my mood is like it is right now, that just doesn’t work, and I guess in the end I’m just really looking to pick a fight and I really don’t want to do so with him. I fall back on the fact that this wouldn’t even be happening between us if he didn’t have to be a fucktard and say I love you for no real concrete reasons, and still annoyingly stick to those words. He knows nothing about me other then that I am willing to open up my legs and he says those words. And in the end he has no real idea how much those words said over and over effect me. There is that part of me that wants to be loved, no matter what, so badly (which isn’t his fault granted just my own fucked up ness) and the logical part that sees that insane urge and knows the truth. I want the fantasy of love in all the books I’ve ever read. So here I am desperately trying to protect him from my own emotional shit. Funny thing is that I don’t even ask for fidelity, be with me and don’t say you love me (so you don’t tug at my heart) and feel free to sleep with who or what you want, just don’t complain when I say we will always use a condom. Me I’d be faithful just because the whole finding another partner really wouldn’t be needed if I had someone to sleep with steadily and if it wasn’t steadily I would call an end to it and go off to sleep around. I guess the only fidelity I really ask for is the emotional kind, if I give you my heart and you say you give me yours, then emotionally don’t fuck me over, physically do what you want, but if I need you hold me while I cry about my past do so, yet don’t pity me for it. Hell I am not even close to pretty, on a good day I am downright plain, so I do understand lusting after those who have qualities that you look for (heck even I look at books or Hollywood and lust). Call me odd though but when you say you love someone you are given them something more special than your lust. And in the end maybe he is giving me something more than lust and I am so wrapped up in my own problems and sub consciousness that I just can’t see it and in return will just break both of us (not proud of it). Sadly he is subjected to those who came before and so am I, and I on one hand won’t talk about that, he doesn’t either and it just makes me wonder if it is because of my rules I put in place or because of his own personally imposed filters and in the end it really doesn’t matter. Selfish as it all is in the end all that matters is what I feel, and with him I feel that I will end up destroyed for awhile.
Okay a few glasses of wine (no worries I don’t have to work tomorrow) and a long talk with KandyKid has left me feeling happy yet very insecure. Of course I was finally honest with her, that whole slumming thing was bullshit and only came up because of the last person I slept with. Sadly enough I respect my former lovers enough to state this, and now KandyKid wont let me live it down for a bit. I finally confessed (even though she already had an inclining) that my one night stand (that lasted two turns) was Walmart guy I’ve noted that this only means something between me and her, but I will let all of you others defer what a nickname like that could mean. So yes we can now put BUD on the back burner because she is and will be having a field day with this new one.
I told her it was my own self-loathing that let it happen but she is still harping on it...it’s funny don’t get me wrong, and I do love her reaction about the whole thing but we both agreed that I could sleep with a Johnny Depp look alike and it still wouldn’t save me from her ridicule. But damned if I don’t want that look alike, as much as I try I can’t get over my crush on gothic guys, or even shojo looking guys, I can’t help it most of my time is spent in fantasy worlds thanks to being a writer. Notice how I am talking about looks and not personality, I personally don’t want to stick around enough to know the whole personality thing, I just want surface stuff, and promise to only give surface stuff. Sadly I’ve learned as a girl the more vague you are the more they think you are a mystery to solve and there for its that whole video game mentality, of being the first to reach the highest level or to unlock everything, or to smugly discover all the easter eggs. Mehh (that should be my catch phrase). But really since I don’t look for a relationship and just some kind of physical short connection I’m all about the whole physical thing, and don’t worry my taste aren’t that exclusive, sadly and obviously take the matter of Walmart guy. Once upon a time (years ago) I made a list of the perfect guy (one of which I’d actually form a relationship with) due to the advice of a friend, and besides of the never would exist quirkiness of what I find attractive I was told that what I want is a male version of myself and even then I’d probably end up trying to either destroy or kill said person, on nights like these I think that’s a good point. Though on the brighter side, I live with myself, and have yet to destroy or kill me lol.
I realize that whole low self-esteem thing I have going on is something I have to work on myself, and so far, okay really just with the last person, I’m just punishing myself and I am better than that but as it is I used to be a cutter, and gave it up, so I’ve tried to find other ways to hurt without leaving marks that are permanent (no fuck you I am not Emo, was what I was before that name was even coined). I don’t know, sometimes I haven’t even a clue who I am or even what I really want, other than the fantasy of who I am and who someone could be. I don’t want to be someone’s all or visa-versa, that is just too much. I just want a big time lust that is viscerally, I kind of have that to be honest… it inspires, and sadly I’ve even had a dream (good) about him, well kind of good, and kind of a regret about being in his area and not telling him and in the end not making it physical for real. I know if we ever do make that physical connection I will be able to just chalk it up to a good, yet another one nightstand. Again it is all about the surface stuff, and that is all I let him know, the only difference, is that he is actually physically attractive on a level I don’t normally pursue, not my dream guy (physically and or personally) but still damn hot. Okay enough of that, I’m going to have a cig, then lay down to good music and hopefully dream of beetlejuice, yes I know I’m sick but that is for another post.
I told her it was my own self-loathing that let it happen but she is still harping on it...it’s funny don’t get me wrong, and I do love her reaction about the whole thing but we both agreed that I could sleep with a Johnny Depp look alike and it still wouldn’t save me from her ridicule. But damned if I don’t want that look alike, as much as I try I can’t get over my crush on gothic guys, or even shojo looking guys, I can’t help it most of my time is spent in fantasy worlds thanks to being a writer. Notice how I am talking about looks and not personality, I personally don’t want to stick around enough to know the whole personality thing, I just want surface stuff, and promise to only give surface stuff. Sadly I’ve learned as a girl the more vague you are the more they think you are a mystery to solve and there for its that whole video game mentality, of being the first to reach the highest level or to unlock everything, or to smugly discover all the easter eggs. Mehh (that should be my catch phrase). But really since I don’t look for a relationship and just some kind of physical short connection I’m all about the whole physical thing, and don’t worry my taste aren’t that exclusive, sadly and obviously take the matter of Walmart guy. Once upon a time (years ago) I made a list of the perfect guy (one of which I’d actually form a relationship with) due to the advice of a friend, and besides of the never would exist quirkiness of what I find attractive I was told that what I want is a male version of myself and even then I’d probably end up trying to either destroy or kill said person, on nights like these I think that’s a good point. Though on the brighter side, I live with myself, and have yet to destroy or kill me lol.
I realize that whole low self-esteem thing I have going on is something I have to work on myself, and so far, okay really just with the last person, I’m just punishing myself and I am better than that but as it is I used to be a cutter, and gave it up, so I’ve tried to find other ways to hurt without leaving marks that are permanent (no fuck you I am not Emo, was what I was before that name was even coined). I don’t know, sometimes I haven’t even a clue who I am or even what I really want, other than the fantasy of who I am and who someone could be. I don’t want to be someone’s all or visa-versa, that is just too much. I just want a big time lust that is viscerally, I kind of have that to be honest… it inspires, and sadly I’ve even had a dream (good) about him, well kind of good, and kind of a regret about being in his area and not telling him and in the end not making it physical for real. I know if we ever do make that physical connection I will be able to just chalk it up to a good, yet another one nightstand. Again it is all about the surface stuff, and that is all I let him know, the only difference, is that he is actually physically attractive on a level I don’t normally pursue, not my dream guy (physically and or personally) but still damn hot. Okay enough of that, I’m going to have a cig, then lay down to good music and hopefully dream of beetlejuice, yes I know I’m sick but that is for another post.
