Imagine a lovely dinner with your parents. You have your girlfriend by your side. Your parents are doting on her, and for the first time since you were a teenager, you actually feel like your parents approve. You son sits between you and your girlfriend, and he has a smile so contagious that it infects the room. He is happy. Your parents are happy. And deep inside, you want to release a little scream, but you are afraid that it will turn into a roar of discontent.

I have been attempting to date a normal girl. She is incredibly sweet, giving, and loving. I always seemed to go for women who could bring the madness, but I am grown now, right? I need someone who can bring consistency, attention, affection. But does it have to come in a package that bores me to tears?

Well, to make a long story short, we broke up on Saturday, though we were never in a committed relationship. I did my damnedest to fit in the category in which all my family and friends seem to want me to be, but there was always an internal rumbling, a need for kink, a longing for absurdity, a quiet hope that dies a little each year--the hope that I can find someone who stirs all sides of me, one who ignites my passion and my intellect, one who loves me for all my quirky weirdness, one with whom we can rip apart the veil of what makes a couple work.

I can look just like the boy next door until I take off my shirt, but there has always been this feeling of disconnect with the world. I know that I am a bit odd. What stirs me, what intrigues me, what fuels me are the things that frighten or confuse most people. But I long to believe that there is someone out there who can help me connect with both the world and my true self. Once I had a child, I felt like I had to fit into a certain mold. I do all the things I'm supposed to do--go to PTA, parent-teacher conferences, any play or event that he's in (even if it's in a church of all places). I spend time with him, make him laugh, feel secure, and...

Imagine a lovely dinner with your parents. You have your girlfriend by your side. Your parents are doting on her, and for the first time since you were a teenager, you actually feel like your parents approve. You son sits between you and your girlfriend, and he has a smile so contagious that it infects the room. He is happy. Your parents are happy. And deep inside, you want to release a little scream, but you are afraid that it will turn into a roar of discontent.

I have been attempting to date a normal girl. She is incredibly sweet, giving, and loving. I always seemed to go for women who could bring the madness, but I am grown now, right? I need someone who can bring consistency, attention, affection. But does it have to come in a package that bores me to tears?

Well, to make a long story short, we broke up on Saturday, though we were never in a committed relationship. I did my damnedest to fit in the category in which all my family and friends seem to want me to be, but there was always an internal rumbling, a need for kink, a longing for absurdity, a quiet hope that dies a little each year--the hope that I can find someone who stirs all sides of me, one who ignites my passion and my intellect, one who loves me for all my quirky weirdness, one with whom we can rip apart the veil of what makes a couple work.

I can look just like the boy next door until I take off my shirt, but there has always been this feeling of disconnect with the world. I know that I am a bit odd. What stirs me, what intrigues me, what fuels me are the things that frighten or confuse most people. But I long to believe that there is someone out there who can help me connect with both the world and my true self. Once I had a child, I felt like I had to fit into a certain mold. I do all the things I'm supposed to do--go to PTA, parent-teacher conferences, any play or event that he's in (even if it's in a church of all places). I spend time with him, make him laugh, feel secure, and know that he is adored. He's okay with his dad being weird. In fact, he loves to talk about it with his friends and me. He's proud that his dad doesn't seem to fit into a box, so why do I try so hard to please others?

In many ways, I like being a closet freak. It makes it where only the people I choose to let in are allowed to see the real me. I'm not even that much of a freak in many ways. I love spending nights at home, watching TV or a movie. I just don't seem to view this world or my place in the world the way that others tell me I should. The woman that I just broke up with told me that she loved me...but she wanted me to remove my piercings, she hated my tattoos, she reacted with horror whenever I would tell her some of my sexual tastes (she didn't even like for a guy to go down on her...she thought that was too kinky).

I guess I am sending this message out to a world of beautiful, strange people, hoping that there is someone who truly believes that you can be different without being completely fucked up, that you can live with a passion without allowing it to turn you into a festering vessel of jealousy and insecurity, that knows that getting older does not mean forsaking your inner self, who wants to fuck me.