Snow has GOT to be the most depressing thing one can see when looking out a window. That goes double when you live by the beach.
So, working Saturday (and leaving early) has afforded me the rare Thursday off. There's always stuff to be done. To Hell with that. I think I'll just sit on my couch watching movies, and playing on my laptop.
I'm still tripped out over last week's "fight" with the girlfriend. I say "fight" because I lost. Tyson-style, first round knock out. Thousands of years of evolution and men and women are still as far apart as dog shit and frozen yogurt.
Her position is that I don't need female friends, because I have her. Her position is also that men and women can never really be "just friends", because sexual tension can never truly be overcome. Well, I don't fuck my friends. Never have. So... I very much seem to be the exception to that rule.
Female friends provide a very different perspective than my buddies can. Guy friends don't seem to give a shit how they look for example, so they have no concerns for how I may look. I don't have a style. This bigs the Hell out of me. I'm 33, and I dress like a teenager. I feel it's either underdressed or overdressed. Never quite comfortable, except when in my pajamas.
Also... there's the pressure about "The Ring". Let me throw out there that I am an extremely loyal boyfriend. Four and a half years. No break ups. longest consecutive relationship in my life. No cheating, no sneaking around. To me that's a huge accomplishment. I don't know that I'm ready for the title of Husband. I love her to death, but the "little shit" is a mountain that I'm not sure I can totally get over.
I'm still a man at the core. I like sex. We never have sex. Its a mutual agreement. Has to be spontaneous. Has to be at a time where there is little to no risk of interruption. Someone is always around, or visiting, or we're burned out from work. Not anyone's fault... but it sucks like a Dyson vacuum.
She goes through my phone, she has tabs on me almost wherever. We almost had a relationship ending fight because I told her the new friend I had been talking to was an old guy friend, and it was a female who I have never met. I still feel awful about that lie, but she would lose her shit if I had told her it was some woman. She thinks her spot is threatened. It really isn't, but me saying it a thousand times doesn't mean much.
I wasn't always a "great guy" or an "awesome catch". I used to be the bad-boy type. I was a fall down, yet functional, drunk when we started talking almost 7 years ago. I took pills to deal with the hangovers so I could make it through the day, then rinse/repeat at night. In the middle of that I had a "relationship" with a woman I found out after may be a distant cousin of mine.
I was emotionally and physically abusive during that time. The people I surrounded myself with, ate it up. I burned every bridge with my family. I broke hearts with reckless abandon. I probably aged myself a decade during that shorter period of time.
Eventually I got help. I quit drinking myself into a stupor. I quit the pills. The abusiveness stopped. I had focus, self-worth, and direction. What I didn't have, was a woman I could trust. I wasn't looking for an accessory. I wanted a partner, a companion.
We started talking that summer during my transitional period. She was a mess like I was. I didn't really want a relationship, but I didn't want her out of my life either. It was commit, or let her walk out of my life. After we were official for a while, she slowly started to change into a person more similar to the person I was, or was striving to become.
Then came the subordination period. She "politely" asked me to start abandoning certain female friends. She was no longer comfortable with the friendship I had with a long time (engaged) female friend because the woman had decided to get breast implants. I tried to explain it was more medical than cosmetic, but was just digging my grave on that issue.
She bases her fears on her own "questionable" past. She has had fuck buddies. She's had a threesome with a married couple whom I used to enjoy spending time with until that dark secret came to life, and had it not been kept a secret, I would be OK with it. Hell, i'm OK with it now. She's the one that felt uncomfortable after the news broke and cancelled the dinner we had planned a month later.
Point is... I'm not going anywhere. That's not who I am anymore. I haven't been that guy for 7 years. Even when I was that guy, I still had a moral compass. I have an engagement ring on hold, it's like 1/4 the way paid off. We're looking at houses to buy together. We've lived in the same apartment together since we celebrated our 4th month together. Overall, things are still pretty great.
Yet... I'd be lying if I didn't admit I get "the itch" from time to time to just throw it all away. It's not about her at all. It's that no matter how hard I work to change everything. I am still in the same exact spot i would be in if I was the same person from 7 years ago. I'm starting to think this person whom I've tried to become is a character I play, but not the real me.
At 33, I have overachieved on a level I could not have predicted as a teenager. Yet, I am way far away from where my the potential, that never came to fruition, hinted at where I should be. A failure that succeeded is only slightly better than a success that suffers the constant setback.
So, to show my undying love and affection, my Facebook and Twitter have been shut down. I blocked every female that came up as "questionable" from my phone, and I let her read every text I get before I do. I have nothing to hide. Makes me have a solid appreciation for what celebrities must go through. Their lives aren't their own. Constantly under the microscope. Possessions can't satisfy the demon snarling at them when their heads hit the pillow, and no amount of money can buy them true security.
So I landed here. A place where no one knows me. No one can manipulate me. The most dangerous/safe place I could find to vent my thoughts and feelings on the internet. I'm outside the reach of my job, my co-workers, my family, my friends, and my girlfriend.
Words escape me that describe how refreshing that is.
So, working Saturday (and leaving early) has afforded me the rare Thursday off. There's always stuff to be done. To Hell with that. I think I'll just sit on my couch watching movies, and playing on my laptop.
I'm still tripped out over last week's "fight" with the girlfriend. I say "fight" because I lost. Tyson-style, first round knock out. Thousands of years of evolution and men and women are still as far apart as dog shit and frozen yogurt.
Her position is that I don't need female friends, because I have her. Her position is also that men and women can never really be "just friends", because sexual tension can never truly be overcome. Well, I don't fuck my friends. Never have. So... I very much seem to be the exception to that rule.
Female friends provide a very different perspective than my buddies can. Guy friends don't seem to give a shit how they look for example, so they have no concerns for how I may look. I don't have a style. This bigs the Hell out of me. I'm 33, and I dress like a teenager. I feel it's either underdressed or overdressed. Never quite comfortable, except when in my pajamas.
Also... there's the pressure about "The Ring". Let me throw out there that I am an extremely loyal boyfriend. Four and a half years. No break ups. longest consecutive relationship in my life. No cheating, no sneaking around. To me that's a huge accomplishment. I don't know that I'm ready for the title of Husband. I love her to death, but the "little shit" is a mountain that I'm not sure I can totally get over.
I'm still a man at the core. I like sex. We never have sex. Its a mutual agreement. Has to be spontaneous. Has to be at a time where there is little to no risk of interruption. Someone is always around, or visiting, or we're burned out from work. Not anyone's fault... but it sucks like a Dyson vacuum.
She goes through my phone, she has tabs on me almost wherever. We almost had a relationship ending fight because I told her the new friend I had been talking to was an old guy friend, and it was a female who I have never met. I still feel awful about that lie, but she would lose her shit if I had told her it was some woman. She thinks her spot is threatened. It really isn't, but me saying it a thousand times doesn't mean much.
I wasn't always a "great guy" or an "awesome catch". I used to be the bad-boy type. I was a fall down, yet functional, drunk when we started talking almost 7 years ago. I took pills to deal with the hangovers so I could make it through the day, then rinse/repeat at night. In the middle of that I had a "relationship" with a woman I found out after may be a distant cousin of mine.
I was emotionally and physically abusive during that time. The people I surrounded myself with, ate it up. I burned every bridge with my family. I broke hearts with reckless abandon. I probably aged myself a decade during that shorter period of time.
Eventually I got help. I quit drinking myself into a stupor. I quit the pills. The abusiveness stopped. I had focus, self-worth, and direction. What I didn't have, was a woman I could trust. I wasn't looking for an accessory. I wanted a partner, a companion.
We started talking that summer during my transitional period. She was a mess like I was. I didn't really want a relationship, but I didn't want her out of my life either. It was commit, or let her walk out of my life. After we were official for a while, she slowly started to change into a person more similar to the person I was, or was striving to become.
Then came the subordination period. She "politely" asked me to start abandoning certain female friends. She was no longer comfortable with the friendship I had with a long time (engaged) female friend because the woman had decided to get breast implants. I tried to explain it was more medical than cosmetic, but was just digging my grave on that issue.
She bases her fears on her own "questionable" past. She has had fuck buddies. She's had a threesome with a married couple whom I used to enjoy spending time with until that dark secret came to life, and had it not been kept a secret, I would be OK with it. Hell, i'm OK with it now. She's the one that felt uncomfortable after the news broke and cancelled the dinner we had planned a month later.
Point is... I'm not going anywhere. That's not who I am anymore. I haven't been that guy for 7 years. Even when I was that guy, I still had a moral compass. I have an engagement ring on hold, it's like 1/4 the way paid off. We're looking at houses to buy together. We've lived in the same apartment together since we celebrated our 4th month together. Overall, things are still pretty great.
Yet... I'd be lying if I didn't admit I get "the itch" from time to time to just throw it all away. It's not about her at all. It's that no matter how hard I work to change everything. I am still in the same exact spot i would be in if I was the same person from 7 years ago. I'm starting to think this person whom I've tried to become is a character I play, but not the real me.
At 33, I have overachieved on a level I could not have predicted as a teenager. Yet, I am way far away from where my the potential, that never came to fruition, hinted at where I should be. A failure that succeeded is only slightly better than a success that suffers the constant setback.
So, to show my undying love and affection, my Facebook and Twitter have been shut down. I blocked every female that came up as "questionable" from my phone, and I let her read every text I get before I do. I have nothing to hide. Makes me have a solid appreciation for what celebrities must go through. Their lives aren't their own. Constantly under the microscope. Possessions can't satisfy the demon snarling at them when their heads hit the pillow, and no amount of money can buy them true security.
So I landed here. A place where no one knows me. No one can manipulate me. The most dangerous/safe place I could find to vent my thoughts and feelings on the internet. I'm outside the reach of my job, my co-workers, my family, my friends, and my girlfriend.
Words escape me that describe how refreshing that is.