life is good, its hard, painful, rewarding, exhausting, beautiful, frightening and amazing all in one split second. I sit before this keyboard thinking of how much I take for granted, that I whine about all that I have to "deal with" when right in front of me I am acutely aware that I am beyond blessed with such wonderful people. I question what makes us do this...how is it that we all know that we are lucky just to wake up each day and take a breath, but we spend the majority of our time complaining to others that this sucks and that sucks...why are we built like this? is it some kind of divine test or karma tracker...I will lie awake in the dark staring at nothing while pondering everything and drift asleep only to wake again and hope that when my feet touch the floor I will be grateful instead of scorned by the "to do list" of life, and the "why me's"

I feel very overwhelmed lately...I have allowed the world to consume me and seduce me into it's ignorance.

If I frown, make me smile;
if I cry, make me laugh;
when I'm happy, keep me that way...
I am human, i am not broken, I do not need to be mended...only loved with all you have because anything less and you are not worth all I have to offer.

time gives and we take for granted
time takes and we complain
but is it time that is at fault
or is our ignorance to blame

all I see is shadows
soulless beings that pass me by
hoping for connection
I am met with darkened eyes

greed and apathy control our minds
we have let hate rape our individuality
our hearts are filled with poison
existing with eyes wide open is a strenuous reality

everyday cannot be a success, I yell when I shouldn't, break promises that should have been kept...I will feed you mcdonalds every night for dinner for a week straight bc sometimes life is just that hectic, and I will make you eat your green beans even if you puke on my dinner table....I will be your best friend and your worst enemy;
we will dance to no music when we are sad and cry tears of joy bc we are happy; I will sleep in and hate myself bc I missed time with you and failed but I will not apologize for being selfish with my time when I choose bc I am a human being and I only get one chance to give this life a whirl; I will never be the mother I want to be bc that is how much I love you and I feel that you will always deserve better; more chances, more opportunities that I could not give...but no matter what; no one will ever love you more; you are my soul and you make my life worth living; you are my babies and if there ever was a god to believe in; the one good thing he has done is bless me with pure joy; that drives me crazy on a daily basis!

I am feeling a lot of relief tonight....the moon is full and the wind is pushing the clouds away at such a swift pace that I feel like giving all my negative thoughts and feelings to the sky so that I may have peace within myself. The hustle of life got the best of me again this week and as much as things are hectic and daunting...I still have happiness in my soul. I am learning so much about people that have been in my life for such a long time; things I have overlooked or dismissed due to the circumstances of the world. I always told myself that it mattered how certain people felt about me or thought of me; and I am finding that loving them has hindered my spirit; I do not want to be bogged down by those that cannot love me the way I deserve to be loved. Friendship unfortunately seems to be a word that some take to lightly and yet it is the most important relationship you can ever have with another human being...I hope that those I hold dear and hold me in the same regard know how I value them!

today was an interesting day inside my scattered mind....I am reeling from many different emotions surging through me....they keep hitting me at random intervals and taking my breath away. I am trying so hard to be strong but unfortunately I have never felt so vulnerable in all of my short life. I need someone to be there, not for me; just with me...I do not feel the need to cry on ones shoulder or search for answers that are not yet ready to show themselves....I just need someone that gets me, someone that does not pass judgment or criticize the choices I am making, no one to say poor pitiful you things will work out and get better...I just want someone to sit next to me and exist; to lose themselves with me!

everything that breaks leaves a scar....a translucent line where the glue has filled the crack, skin that is torn and has mended....my recent break has not left a visible scar unless you account for the look of sullen on my face. my heart has been broken and while I thought it had been before; it has certainly never been to this degree of pain and sorrow. I love but I am not in love any longer...I thought I would feel relief from the freedom that I have come to attain but unfortunately all I have is fear and uncertainty. so many thoughts and questions float in my feeble mind searching for answers or guidance like lost souls in purgatory wandering and waiting to see where they belong. I feel that way a lot lately...I have had to pass judgment on myself and my best friend and while I am sure that my sentence was just for our particular situation....I am having a difficult time dealing with the damage I have caused to others in my life in the process.
like every choice I make puts those I care about the most in a difficult place....I am aware that life has no book, no certainties, no right or wrong answers, life is not black and white; it is full of vibrant colors, right now I am in a gray area....am I now the one dolling out scars that will one day be to deep for recovery?
only time will tell if my choices are more impeding than helpful, I want nothing more than happiness in my life for myself, my family and those that I love....I know that I am strong and always up for a challenge...I just feel as though my decisions have left me stretched to thin and those that will be hurt the most by my selfishness are those that need me more than anyone....

today is a rough day emotionally....I am aware that my life is a roller coaster right now, but it is very difficult to accept the change in my moods and emotions. the survivor in me wants to slap the pussy in me for acting the way I have the last few days! I am perfectly aware and happy with my recent life choices and yet I cant seem to keep anything in check! I am starting to get on my pity pot and I hate myself for that...I know better, I asked for this, everything in my life will have an end result that I choose now; I am well aware that even under the current conditions, and even at its very worst, my life is still a million times better than that of most people....so why the hell cant I just brush myself off and start again. the human brain can be a very evil thing if one is not capable of controlling it and keeping it in check!! a smile one second and tears the next; feeling lost and confused and consumed all at the same time...all of this is something I am having a hard time with right now, I hope that I will soon find a way to cope and organize all of this junk in my head...I changed my life so that I can be happy again...

I awoke this morning and it finally registered that I am alone....I find myself in quite a conundrum.....what is the next chapter in my life going to be? What route will I take, where will I find peace within myself and the people that are around me? Will I continue to lose those that have meant so much to me the last leg of my journey due to the circumstances I have made for myself or the choices I will now be making for my future? I am petrified, I have never been alone or responsible for myself...I need to find what makes me happy in this world, I have spent so much of my time and effort watching the world move around me and I feel as though I have missed out on a lot of things due to my insecurities.

I am just not sure where I go from here....the only thing I do know is that it is going to be an amazing ride and I will never again live just to breathe...but will live a life that takes my breath away.........