No posting in a while, too busy. Quitting my job and selling my house to move next month, I need the bay.

Of course she chooses now to try and tell me she misses me, after waiting 3 months to talk to me. She never agreed with me when I told her that who we are that day dies every night, and somebody new is born every morning. Who I was changed, just like everybody else (her included, though she's scared to admit that just like everything else). And so what's then is gone.

I can't belong to anyone anyways, I have lovers but no girlfriend. My lovers are friends, not people I reduce to girlfriend. They're people, not a gender - and exclusive relationships seem to reduce the other person to just 'the other person' after a while. And love is the opposite of marriage.

So once again she got scared by something, hunts me down to tell me she loves me, then scares herself and runs away days later.

And once again I followed, even though I knew that would happen all along. We don't get smarter as we get older (how could we, our desires never change) we just get less suprised.

And I don't feel pissed or hurt or anything - I just feel nothing. Everywhere a severe lack, an emptiness behind the laughter at parties, and now my eyes dart quickly away.

I've lived too long in my own graveyard.

Coupland was right - "we're human, our first instinct when we see something beutiful is to eat it". I don't ever seem to grow up - I know better, but that doesn't seem to matter much.


Shit, praying at the Virgin? I've been artfully shallow to avoid exactly that.

Coupland was right - "we're human, our first instinct when we see something beutiful is to eat it". I don't ever seem to grow up - I know better, but that doesn't seem to matter much.


Shit, praying at the Virgin? I've been artfully shallow to avoid exactly that.

Fuck!

I've been slacking off at school because I was working so much. After work I'd rather go to the Bikini for drinks and company than do homework, so I've been letting shit get past me. But I'm stuck here until I finish school, so now I'm spending all weekend working on projects, looking at my grades, and moaning "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME".


ARRRRRRGGGGGH. I really wish I'd gone to culinary school right now.

Svije macke su siv u marku.

Trebam da govorim vise u srbsko-hrrvatski - mozda ja trebacu do ucim ceski. O ja cu biti ljud, i probacu da jesam pisac.

Shit man, she was right - things are getting weird. Not neccesarily in a bad way though. Plus I think we mostly try to put restraint upon ourselves as a prayer for someone else to break us out - we don't do what we want to so we can later. Or maybe it's just me.

Gone .

I'm like held by this life I have no interest in - I'm living in the future which is a slow death. I'm dreaming of being the walking dead, released, nirvana - to have an immediacy, a purity. Just to not be grasping. I worry cause I don't think I'll ever be able to be able to not act upon ideals, somehow I was born mostly free.

Self-destruction is that way probably - but I think I'm out of practice. I've built things with my own bizarness in mind - I think God made a stone to heavy for him to lift. So know I can't stay, and I can't go. The hell inbetween?

I've grown old without learning to enjoy eating shit like most people I see seem to enjoy. And so I guess I'm going to disappoint everyone - because siren calls are more important than houses in the suburbs where you hate yourself and the person who married you, likely because like you they're desperately trying to forget they'll die and they don't do anything but mark time.

Oh, and nobody's reading this, but I'm leaving the country in July when I finish going back to school. I'm hoping to go to the UK or Ireland, but anywhere in the EU or Australia will work if need be. Don't know what to do with my animals - or how to tell my folks yet. But I don't want to live in the theocracy this place is turning into. Plus with my damn scot temper I'll go crazy and start swinging if I stay too much longer in this shit - and I'd rather avoid the legal reprecussions of that. Instead maybe trying to help revolution or whatever from across the pond sounds better.

Finally got my computer back up after a nasty crash. Got a new doggie in the meantime - he's half lab half great dane.. I can't resist strays - explains as well some of my dating habits I think.