why i'm crying today

for those who dont know, Caitlin has been a good friend of mine for almost 15 years. we havent been in contact for the past year or so and i've been worried about her. i still am now, but not nearly as much as before.
i'm horribly shaken by this but i'm glad the outcome wasnt worse. i'm kinda a believer in the "bad things come in 3's" theory and after Josh...

every death is like an atom bomb dropped on my ability to reason.
each time is harder than the last and some are harder than others.
at his memorial, like 4 times tonite, i thought i saw josh out of the corner of my eye or over my shoulder or wherever. what a mindfuck that is.
i know i should go to sleep but i've spent the last 3 hours crying. my eyes sting from tears and makeup in em.
i wrote this kinda beautiful thing on my friend's profile on myspace but i cant remember it now. maybe i'll post it here when she posts it there.
my head is pounding and i'm exhausted. i think i might actually be able to sleep now.

i love this song:





edit, 11/26, 11am:
here's what i wrote on my friend's myspace
i've been having a really hard time understanding some things recently. but i always understand why we love each other.
my eyes are sore from not understanding and crying to compensate. i'm sick of people dying around me so instead i need your arms around me. i need a hug.
and i need you and i need to see you and i love you.

i'm deep in the house of dog.
bf and i got into a fight last night cus i was out and drunk until 5am.

BLEH!
i feel like crap. and i'm breaking out the big coat today, which doubly sucks!

i feel bogged down but really dont have that much to do today. it's very odd.

ugh.
what. a fucking. day.
ugh.