The prescience of dawn.

the sirens woke me up again
i know they're coming for me someday just a matter of when
count to 25 and yawn
touch the clock and turn my back against the dawn
and hope for that one dream of hardware stores with checkered floors and buckets full with nails
we're floating effortless over the apartment to the boat
im rowing past the office windows
mother, mother may i cry
father will you teach me how to die the right way someday
i don't want a second chance to turn my stuttering reluctance into romance
with these documents and kindergarten anthems with my drunken liturgies
tune the fm in, to static and pretend that its the sea
but four words fumble for the microphone
you should have known
you should have known

the prescience of dawn - the weakerthans

Regaining Unconsciousness...


it's not the right time to be sober
now the idiots have taken over
spreading like a social cancer, is there an answer?

Mensa membership conceding
tell me why and how are all the stupid people breeding
Watson, it's really elementary
the industrial revolution
has flipped the bitch on evolution
the benevolent and wise are being thwarted, ostracized, what a bummer
the world keeps getting dumber
insensitivity is standard and faith is being fancied over reason

darwin's rollin over in his coffin
the fittest are surviving much less often
now everything seems to be reversing, and it's worsening
someone flopped a steamer in the gene pool
now angry mob mentality's no longer the exception, it's the rule
and im startin to feel a lot like charlton heston
stranded on a primate planet
apes and orangutans that ran it to the ground
with generals and the armies that obeyed them
followers following fables
philosophies that enable them to rule without regard

there's no point for democracy when ignorance is celebrated
political scientists get the same one vote as some Arkansas inbred
majority rule, don't work in mental institutions
sometimes the smallest softest voice carries the grand biggest solutions

what are we left with?
a nation of god-fearing pregnant nationalists
who feel it's their duty to populate the homeland
pass on traditions
how to get ahead religions
And prosperity via simpleton culture

the idiots are takin over [x8]

the idiots are takin over - NoFX

The closer to a text message conversation, 'There is definately fulfilment from the written word, unlike the sucked-drynes created by the inverse. Futile gratification of the physical... what does it really achieve except unwated sweat... I sweat more than enough as it is.'

Ok, before I get started... yes, I am sitting home alone, drinking again.

A few weeks ago I rediscovered Good Riddance, and have been in love ever since... I wonder how long it's gonna take for my upstairs neighbor to come down and complain.

I can only assume it's her birthday, her child was taken away earlier (by I suspect, her parents)... Since then there have been a couple people arriving... Most worrying of all, is her new BF... Painfully, they have kept me awake on a few too many occasions. (It'll never last)

Anyways, a big thanks to Russ Rankin for making a shitty Saturday night worthwhile.

And, to Chris, you know how much I love you man! Together foerever, and never to part.

Well the first time that I went out on my own
I was a young man almost 17 right down to the day
Well i packed up all my things
Grabbed my bag and kissed my mother
And I told her that I'd be back someday

So I jumped into the back of and eighteen-wheeler head north
Destination didn't even ask
With the wisdom that my father gave me
Ringing in my head so clearly
"Son this world's gonna kick you in the ass"

I wanna go there and I'm not scared
Our time's just begun, oh yeah
Life goes by so damn quickly for me
Wanna have some fun

Now looking back on all the days gone by
I sit and wonder what it would be like if I'd never went away
Would I see the world the way I do
The memories that brought me to
This place that I now call my home today

I wanna go there and I'm not scared
Our time's just begun, oh yeah
Life goes by so damn quickly for me
Wanna have some fun

Life goes by so damn quickly for me
Wanna have some fun

So beat my head (beat my head)
Whwn I feel the whole world falls apart
In the end I'll be alright

Well the first time that I went out on my own
I was a young man almost 17 right down to the day
Well i packed up all my things
Grabbed my bag and kissed my mother
And I told her that I'd be back someday

I wanna go there and I'm not scared
Our time's just begun, oh yeah
Life goes by so damn quickly for me
Wanna have some fun

Life goes by so damn quickly for me
Wanna have some fun

Leavin' - Mad Caddies

So, excuse me for the patheticness of my meaningless attempts at writing what I am thinking/feeling.

I've never been good at expressing how I feell.

I. as usual, am sitting home on Friday night... With my friend Chris, yes I have a name for Heineken. His name is Chris, long story which I'd be happy to tell someone sometime... If anyone ever cared enough to listen.

I think a big part of the problem is, that I spend a lot of time wishing I was somewhere else... Living a dream that really should've been dead already, but which has consumed me for more years than I care to remember... Thankfully, I don't remember all of the time/events that have brought me to this point.

Why is it, that we always want what we can't have? And no, I don't mean anything as meaningless as wantng the girl we never got... Something much deeper than that.

Things happens around us/me all the time, and far too many people are oblivious of it. What is IT, I cannot wholely explain.

Anyway, Morrissey and Chris are with me now... And so I return to silence but for the music the surrounds me.

Goodnight, and thank-you.

It is a peculiar feeling... Thining/being concerned that either, I lost an hour of Sunday night through drinking, or someone slipped something into one of my drunks.

It was all going kinda ok in Camden, left with plenty of time to catch the last train home... After an eventful/less evening...
I remember getting off the underground at Charing Cross, then things are a blur/total blank. Next thing I recall, was walking the streets of London, nowhere particualrly near Charing Cross station... Heading toward an office I sometimes work in.
Possibly the most frightening thing is that, I was fine/sober one minute and then fine/sober again... But confused.

So, I ended up walking through places I probably wouldn't/shouldn/t have been... alone at that time of night. But, I made it to Waterloo station. Just in time to have missed the last train to... anywhere. Faced with the prospect of a VERY expensive taxi journey home, or a long, boring, lonely night on a bench outside a station... I opted for the long, boring option.

A party was had, by me... Thank goodness my ipod was pretty-much fully charged. Sadly and sressfully, I ran out of cigarettes at about 3AM.



I eventually got on a train home at 6:29AM, fighting hard to stay awake... Coz if I had fallen asleep on it... I'd have ended up in Birmingham.

An evenful night, which was marred by fake people... The gloteratti of the alternative scene... Why oh why, are people who claim to be alternative/punk/goth... More cliquey than trendies?!?!?!? (can anyone tell me?)

Well, I am sure there was a point to make when I started this off... But it now escapes me.

So, yeah... I feel old and tired and slightly worried.

Oh the joys...
A long weekend, and like most weekends, long or otherwise... I have nothing to do but spend time with me, myself and I, except for the supposed comforts of alcohol and cigarettes... And not forgetting itunes on random and high volume through my surround system.

Settle For Nothing - Rage Against The Machine

A jail cell is freedom from the pain in my home
Hatred passed on, passed on and passed on
A world of violent rage
But it's one that I can recognise
Having never seen the colour of my father's eyes
Yes, I dwell in hell, but it's a hell that I can grip
I tried to grip my family
But I slipped

To escape from the pain in an existence mundane
I gotta 9, a sign, a set and now I gotta name

Read my writing on the wall
No-one's here to catch me when I fall
Death is on my side....suicide!

A jail cell is freedom from the pain in my home
Hatred passed on, passed on and passed on
A world of violent rage
But it's one that I can recognise
Having never seen the colour of my father's eyes
Yes, I dwell in hell, but it's a hell that I can grip
I tried to grip my family
But I slipped

To escape from the pain in an existence mundane
I gotta 9, a sign, a set and now I gotta name

Read my writing on the wall
No-one's here to catch me when I fall
Caught between my culture and the system....genocide!

Read my writing on the wall
No-one's here to catch me when I fall
If ignorance is bliss, then knock the smile off my face
Yeah!

If we don't take action now
We settle for nothing later
Settle for nothing now
And we'll settle for nothing later
If we don't take action now
We settle for nothing later
We'll settle for nothing now
And we'll settle for nothing later

If we don't take action now
We'll settle for nothing later
We settle for nothing now
And we'll settle for nothing later
If we don't take action now
We settle for nothing later
We'll settle for nothing now
And we'll settle for nothing later

Regret... Sort of.

When I really spend much time thinking about it, I really ought to have many regrets... And many people would say I have a lot of things to regret, but when it comes down to it there are probably only 3 things in my 32-odd years of life that are worthy of paying them the time to class them as regret. I've lived more in the past 10 years than the 22-odd preceding them... But in other ways I've lived a whole lot less. I suppose the first of the biggest regrets I have, is not knowing when or remembering how I became so afraid, introverted etc. The second is not even regret now I think about it...
However the only real regret I feel, is the fact that I have lived pretty much alone these past ten years. Don't get me wrong, I have spent time with people... But that is just it, I have spent time... But I have been alone. I have lived far far away from my family, pretty much the only people who matter when it boils right down to it. I have missed out on ten years of their/our lives... And what do I have to show for it, absolutely nothing. So much has been missed which can never be recaptured... Too far, too distant. What the fuck am I doing, what was/have I been thinking? Who knows, the answer is elusive and non-existent all at the same time.
Parents, brother, I'm sorry... I am/have been selfish, with no feasible excuse... I lie to myself that I am living my own life and enjoying it, but quite honestly... It sucks. A pretty lame phrase to describe it, but it does the job all the same.
And as for everything else people think I ought to regret, well… two words, fuck that! It's all nonsense anyways... Not worth my thoughts and concerns, nevermind the wasted time of others.
I've lived, not always the best way, not always the 'prettiest' lifestyle... But it's all been done... All the same!
And to think, I got out of bed to muddle my way through these words... But at least, hopefully they won't flood my thoughts as I try to sleep... Another feeble attempt to put into words, the thoughts I think... Badly!