An article I wrote for my friend's website GetaClue...

I'm sure that by now, anyone with access to a television, radio, or two-tin-cans-on-a-string is all too aware of the carnage and horror unfolding daily in the Middle East. It's almost too much to take, leaving one slack-jawed and numb as we witness yet another gurney-borne body bag being wheeled into an ambulanlce on our TV's. Jews shooting Arabs; Arabs blowing up Jews; Arafat's a terrorist, Sharon's a terrorist- it's like a macabre marriage of Tom & Jerry, Spy vs. Spy, and a bad beer commercial. And with all the bloodshed and pathos besetting our senses, one can hardly avoid asking the question: What's it all for?




Perhaps a little social studies lesson is in order here for the benefit of our uneducated readers. For those of you who don't know, the Jews and the Palestinians don't really like each other. In fact, one might go so far as to say that they dislike each other. Intensely. Big time. I think it might have something to do with religion or whatever. Anyways, back in 1967 the Israeli's and the Palestinians got into a little scuffle, which resulted in the Israeli's occupation of territory belonging to the Palestinians. Fast forward 35 years or so...

Now we have these two groups of people living next to each other. The Palestinians are all ticked off because they're still living under the auspices of an occupying foreign power which curtails their freedoms. The Jews are a bit miffed because every time they go out for a taco some nutbag wearing a Gumbi suit made from C4 runs in and blows the joint to smithereens.

Naturally, the International Committee of Useless Nobodies (read U.N.), along with the rest of the family of nations have expressed concern over this sorry state of affairs over the years, and have passed quite a few resolutions, resolutions to pass resolutions, and I think one or two even threatened to get mad if the...

An article I wrote for my friend's website GetaClue...

I'm sure that by now, anyone with access to a television, radio, or two-tin-cans-on-a-string is all too aware of the carnage and horror unfolding daily in the Middle East. It's almost too much to take, leaving one slack-jawed and numb as we witness yet another gurney-borne body bag being wheeled into an ambulanlce on our TV's. Jews shooting Arabs; Arabs blowing up Jews; Arafat's a terrorist, Sharon's a terrorist- it's like a macabre marriage of Tom & Jerry, Spy vs. Spy, and a bad beer commercial. And with all the bloodshed and pathos besetting our senses, one can hardly avoid asking the question: What's it all for?




Perhaps a little social studies lesson is in order here for the benefit of our uneducated readers. For those of you who don't know, the Jews and the Palestinians don't really like each other. In fact, one might go so far as to say that they dislike each other. Intensely. Big time. I think it might have something to do with religion or whatever. Anyways, back in 1967 the Israeli's and the Palestinians got into a little scuffle, which resulted in the Israeli's occupation of territory belonging to the Palestinians. Fast forward 35 years or so...

Now we have these two groups of people living next to each other. The Palestinians are all ticked off because they're still living under the auspices of an occupying foreign power which curtails their freedoms. The Jews are a bit miffed because every time they go out for a taco some nutbag wearing a Gumbi suit made from C4 runs in and blows the joint to smithereens.

Naturally, the International Committee of Useless Nobodies (read U.N.), along with the rest of the family of nations have expressed concern over this sorry state of affairs over the years, and have passed quite a few resolutions, resolutions to pass resolutions, and I think one or two even threatened to get mad if the Israelis and Palestinians didn't "knock it off". But alas, all the huffing and puffing has proved to be futile. I guess after millenia of being crapped on the Jews are just too excited to have someone to take a dump on.

But fear not, my cosmopolite friends, for I, Chuck, resident Special Middle East Peace Envoy from The Clue, have devised a foolproof plan that should mollify any grievances harbored in the hearts of Israel, and quelch the fires of hatred burning in the belly of Palestine.

While Anthony Zinni's efforts are indeed laudable, they have ultimately failed to bear fruit. The Oslo Peace accords, while possessed of merit and good intentions, had all the effect of a "stern talking-to". And this latest contrivance, the so-called "Tenet Plan", elicited little more than tacit lip-service and a subtle "f--k you".

Alas, I think the time for diplomacy and focus groups is past. I think the world at large would do well to pay heed to my suggestion; and my suggestion is this: Give the Palestinians France.

Think about it for a moment before beat your breast and gnash your teeth.

The Palestinians are due a homeland. No one really likes the French. Do you? I sure as hell can’t stand those smelly, pretentious, philandering bastards. Come on, who can claim any affinity to a nation of people who think they’re so cool that they can just throw a few extra letters on the end of every word without pronouncing them? For example, consider: “-ette” (pronounced: “et”), or “-elle” (pronounced “el”), and finally, “-airepeadllequiromne” (pronounce “air”). Man, I’m getting steamed just thinking about it. I wish I had a Frog here right now so I could beat him to death with a marble-filled sweat sock. The only good Frenchman is a dead Frenchman. And that’s just what we’re going to do. We’re going to exterminate them in a glorious pogrom of ethnic cleansing.

I mean sure, sure, there will be some details to work out. Like, the Palestinians won’t get Jerusalem… but they’ll get the Lourve! That’s a fair trade, right? And while they won’t technically get the “West Bank”, they’ll still get the “West Bank”… of the Meuse- an historic and scenic river. Who could complain? They’ll get thousands upon thousands of acres of vineyards. They’ll even get Paris (though it would require a vigorous scrubbing down first).

The logistics of such an operation aren’t as staggering as one would think. All we really need to do is send a few guys over there wearing Scream masks and growling really loud. They’ll surrender. They’ll surrender fast. I mean, what do you expect from a nation who’s boot camp entails nothing other than dodging showers and teaching it’s troops how to say “I surrender” and “How would you like your tea, Master?” in fifty different languages? We’ll even get rid of those annoyingly polite Canuks. Not all Canuks, mind you- just the French-speaking ones (The bulk of Canadians make good lap dogs, and a Constitutional Amendment has been introduced that would make Canada the fifty-first state anyways.).

Once the surrender is complete, we’ll ship them off to “Happy-Fun-Time (read: Death) Camps” somewhere in the Pacific Northwest, where they’ll enjoy such fun activities as shuffle board, bingo, and showers (read: mass gassings). After the cleanup, The Palestinians are free to move in to their new homes. Badda bing, badda boom- problem solved!

Just think about it: A world with out French people. (read with heavy German accent) Vat do you say Frenchie? Vant to take a shower?