palebloom

hmm.

i'm on drugs, but i'm happy, and that's all i really care about right now.

i just try not to think about it.

the toilet just overflowed. the plumbing in the bathroom is fucked.

my life.

i hate it.

well, hi. i feel like shit again.

i wish the correct answer to my problem was "do drugs as much as you possibly can until you get over him," but it isn't.

he still hasn't called, and i'm still going crazy because i don't know what he wanted to tell me.

help.

this is monumental. i don't feel despondent this morning.

maybe i'm getting over it?

maybe i did too many drugs last night?

who knows...

at least i don't want to eat myself alive anymore...!

i'm all kinds of fucked up and i feel a little better, because i think i might even get to sleep tonight.

this prospect is exciting.

he did not call, or so they say, but there is some mysterious number on the caller id... and allegedly there were no calls while i was gone.

hmm.

maybe it's a conspiracy?

this day is going so slowly. i just ate a bunch of xanax.

nothing's helping much.

he didn't call last night.

i half expected him to, but now i'm sure he won't call again. this is his game. not like i can call him... no minutes on his phone, don't know where the fuck he is.

barbara's going to see linkin park in long beach tonight.

i'm going to try to keep existing.

grrrrrah. such problems. don't think he's going to call again. frustrates me that i'll never know what he wanted to say.

fuck everything.

grrrrrrr! i'm so sick of being on edge.

uhh... so, stuff happened. i don't really feel like rehashing most of it, but he called my house last night... i wasn't home. part of me is glad, and part of me is pissed off.

i'm all nervous now, because i don't know what he wanted to say. i hope to god he isn't trying to apologize, because i'm a sucker for his wiles, or...
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okay, i am so fucking confused right now that it is ridiculous. my guts feel raw.

i do not understand how to let go of the last two years of my life. i do not understand how to get along without someone who was the only person i had for a while.

he was so important to me. i can't believe the way he left......
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how are there still SO MANY soft feelings inside me for someone who did something like that to me?

pot is the only thing keeping me sane right now.

i tried calling him twice today already; his cellphone is out of minutes... and he's right, i am weak.

and stupid.

and still in love.