my life is alright... but I've been having a hard time keeping balance in my perspective (the hardcore zen column has been a help in that ...presenting different concepts and philosophies as it does)....the checks and balances are all off... emotion is getting the better of me before logic can manage the situation... this worries me as I don't want to hurt other people with stupid words or actions and I don't want to get mired in self loathing and self pity and all that.... sometimes I think that envy is at the heart of the problem... envy and pride... pride in that I don't feel I get what I'm due... even if I have yet to necessarily earn it among newer crowd... I expect respect as a musician but I haven't been very active lately ... and even thats based in envy... I just want in on that group of artists, I suppose.... I just wish I had people to talk to.... friends... people to go out with... things to do.... I'm tired of going out and kind of running into people who don't care here or there that I've shown up.... it'd be nice to be invited out... or just go somewhere with people.... like normal people do, right? It just makes me wonder... whats so wrong with me? I'm not so unpleasant am I?.... I know I don't drink much and all that and my life is in a bit more "settled" a place (or perceived by others to be).... but I'd like to go out here and there its so rare that I get asked... and I don't know if I'm just not admitting to myself why that is......or if I don't know the right people or what......I just don't know....

maybe it is me


PS. I was thinking one time about what there is to aspire to in life (professionwise)... especially as most of my friends have foregone aspiration in pursuit of either maintenance or self destruction and it seemed as though it fell into the categories of charity, art, acquisition, or sport......with the dualities of the esoteric being in...

my life is alright... but I've been having a hard time keeping balance in my perspective (the hardcore zen column has been a help in that ...presenting different concepts and philosophies as it does)....the checks and balances are all off... emotion is getting the better of me before logic can manage the situation... this worries me as I don't want to hurt other people with stupid words or actions and I don't want to get mired in self loathing and self pity and all that.... sometimes I think that envy is at the heart of the problem... envy and pride... pride in that I don't feel I get what I'm due... even if I have yet to necessarily earn it among newer crowd... I expect respect as a musician but I haven't been very active lately ... and even thats based in envy... I just want in on that group of artists, I suppose.... I just wish I had people to talk to.... friends... people to go out with... things to do.... I'm tired of going out and kind of running into people who don't care here or there that I've shown up.... it'd be nice to be invited out... or just go somewhere with people.... like normal people do, right? It just makes me wonder... whats so wrong with me? I'm not so unpleasant am I?.... I know I don't drink much and all that and my life is in a bit more "settled" a place (or perceived by others to be).... but I'd like to go out here and there its so rare that I get asked... and I don't know if I'm just not admitting to myself why that is......or if I don't know the right people or what......I just don't know....

maybe it is me


PS. I was thinking one time about what there is to aspire to in life (professionwise)... especially as most of my friends have foregone aspiration in pursuit of either maintenance or self destruction and it seemed as though it fell into the categories of charity, art, acquisition, or sport......with the dualities of the esoteric being in sport and art (as contrasts) and charity and acquistion (as contrasts) its an interesting thought but I haven't put it mentally through very many proofs as of yet but I felt I should write it down.... also.... I wonder how Art Acquisition and Sport would be as a band name.... but thats another topic that hopefully I'll be able to address in some future artistic endeavor .... as for now I'm in a band named Mei Long (as named by the primary songwriter/guitarist) which is certainly good enough for me ... which, by the way, I'm playing bass... how weird is that?

is social gain/power a seperate aspiration or a function of acquisition?