oh where to begin....
I have no idea and that's not a first....
This past week has been the toughest and most heart-wrenching that i have ever haad to deal with (and that's an understatement of a lifetime) I don't know what happened or what went wrong. I am currently in Spokane with my parents and friends trying to cope and deal. But i find that i am all alone. What was supposed to be a vacation has turned into a trip of self-recrimination and questions of why and how? I don't like it, i hate it and i realize yet again life is not fair. It's cruel in fact. I have lost the absolute love of my life. I say this with an absolutel surety without any doubt. I don't know is this person has ever had someone love them as much as i do, but don't doubt that i wouldn't kill for this person. I have never been so sure about something (even when i had to decide to keep my son or not i wasn't this sure) I simply want my best friend back my partner. And yet i cannot. I don't want it, if it's going to destroy them and make them uncomfortable, and in doing so it will kill me. It's killing me already. I get panicky and my heart races, in not the good way, with the thought of never seeing them again.
I want to be able to see them again if just for one more second. I sit here and ask my self why? WHat happened? I don't even know when things started to go south but if i could go back and change time i would. I also know that this past week i have been selfish. I took a course of action in result of my pain and it in turn caused the one i loved a week of hell during one of the most important weeks of there life. For this i have no owrds but i apologize and that doesn't even cover my remorse for the first time in my life which i swore never to do. I have this one regret. And i will live with this the rest of my life. i have no pretty words, i cannot even show them just how much i care and love them. I think i have pushed them to far to the point of no return and i don't quite know how. WHy is that people just stop trying? All those words and promises exchanged, plans for the furture together and one day it is no more. I want to be able to hold true to my words and hold true to my promises, without the error of miscommunication. I want it to go back to the beginning and start again, and not pretend that nothing ever happened but learn from the mistakes and errors in judgement not hold it against one another but grow together again.
I don't know if i'll have that againwith this special someone. I want my other half back, my other piece to my soul, the key to my heart. Working together through the storms and struggles.
*sigh* in other news, i look like a boy acoording to a woman who decided to tell me that i was enetering the wrong restroom that is clearly marked female. Ok so despite my shaved head, weightloss, no makeup, black clothing and large zip up hoodies i am still definitely female. blah!!
Well this weekend i have spent with my son which has been a blessing and a gift without measure he is certainly a chubby goober of a 2 year old. But he is oh so handsome.
Tomorrow morning i leave for Seattle, have to figure out how i'm getting home from the airport...but this means i get to go back to work and eventually face myself. I have yet to truly cry and am scared to for once i start i don't know if i will stop....
Until then try and enjoy your week everyone and...."Never regret anything that ever made you smile...'
and then i had an epiphany. I am my own worst enemy and my greatest strength. My docs. love me and i shall no longer play the victim of my own medical issuses. Only i can change and shape my destiny. One day at a time.....i am down to 2 cigs. a day in replace i have become addicted to Diet wild cherry pepsi..odd*...but now it's time to put words to action. I have to love myself first before i can love someone else which is what i forgot along the way. I am a woman of strength and i must find this again. I'm paying my shit off, i'm monitoring my diabetes more closely (which i must stay on top of from here on out)Be whole before you can be whole with another. I have a lot going for me, in april is my 5 yr. work anniversary, i serve bartend and manage a corporate nation wide restaurant and i'm only 21. If i keep on this track, set my mind to it...in winter i can go back to school, get a house with some close friends and get my puppy. Keep on track....focus...steady....words to action. action to deed. I am a woman that wants to live, for myself and my son.......the end
I have no idea and that's not a first....
This past week has been the toughest and most heart-wrenching that i have ever haad to deal with (and that's an understatement of a lifetime) I don't know what happened or what went wrong. I am currently in Spokane with my parents and friends trying to cope and deal. But i find that i am all alone. What was supposed to be a vacation has turned into a trip of self-recrimination and questions of why and how? I don't like it, i hate it and i realize yet again life is not fair. It's cruel in fact. I have lost the absolute love of my life. I say this with an absolutel surety without any doubt. I don't know is this person has ever had someone love them as much as i do, but don't doubt that i wouldn't kill for this person. I have never been so sure about something (even when i had to decide to keep my son or not i wasn't this sure) I simply want my best friend back my partner. And yet i cannot. I don't want it, if it's going to destroy them and make them uncomfortable, and in doing so it will kill me. It's killing me already. I get panicky and my heart races, in not the good way, with the thought of never seeing them again.
I want to be able to see them again if just for one more second. I sit here and ask my self why? WHat happened? I don't even know when things started to go south but if i could go back and change time i would. I also know that this past week i have been selfish. I took a course of action in result of my pain and it in turn caused the one i loved a week of hell during one of the most important weeks of there life. For this i have no owrds but i apologize and that doesn't even cover my remorse for the first time in my life which i swore never to do. I have this one regret. And i will live with this the rest of my life. i have no pretty words, i cannot even show them just how much i care and love them. I think i have pushed them to far to the point of no return and i don't quite know how. WHy is that people just stop trying? All those words and promises exchanged, plans for the furture together and one day it is no more. I want to be able to hold true to my words and hold true to my promises, without the error of miscommunication. I want it to go back to the beginning and start again, and not pretend that nothing ever happened but learn from the mistakes and errors in judgement not hold it against one another but grow together again.
I don't know if i'll have that againwith this special someone. I want my other half back, my other piece to my soul, the key to my heart. Working together through the storms and struggles.
*sigh* in other news, i look like a boy acoording to a woman who decided to tell me that i was enetering the wrong restroom that is clearly marked female. Ok so despite my shaved head, weightloss, no makeup, black clothing and large zip up hoodies i am still definitely female. blah!!
Well this weekend i have spent with my son which has been a blessing and a gift without measure he is certainly a chubby goober of a 2 year old. But he is oh so handsome.
Tomorrow morning i leave for Seattle, have to figure out how i'm getting home from the airport...but this means i get to go back to work and eventually face myself. I have yet to truly cry and am scared to for once i start i don't know if i will stop....
Until then try and enjoy your week everyone and...."Never regret anything that ever made you smile...'
and then i had an epiphany. I am my own worst enemy and my greatest strength. My docs. love me and i shall no longer play the victim of my own medical issuses. Only i can change and shape my destiny. One day at a time.....i am down to 2 cigs. a day in replace i have become addicted to Diet wild cherry pepsi..odd*...but now it's time to put words to action. I have to love myself first before i can love someone else which is what i forgot along the way. I am a woman of strength and i must find this again. I'm paying my shit off, i'm monitoring my diabetes more closely (which i must stay on top of from here on out)Be whole before you can be whole with another. I have a lot going for me, in april is my 5 yr. work anniversary, i serve bartend and manage a corporate nation wide restaurant and i'm only 21. If i keep on this track, set my mind to it...in winter i can go back to school, get a house with some close friends and get my puppy. Keep on track....focus...steady....words to action. action to deed. I am a woman that wants to live, for myself and my son.......the end
First of all, I miss you gorgeous lady....
And you should really live by your last paragraph..."be whole before you can be whole with another". As hard as it sounds, it becomes a lot easier after an epiphany....things just sorta click.....that happened to me...
Good luck with everything
Muah!