nice guys do finish last. sucks when the woman you're in love with cares too much about your feelings to hurt you and needs to be just friends. stuck in the fucking friend zone again. why do women not want to be with real, nice guys who'd hand them the world and treat them right?

been way too long since my last blog. so she doesn't want to date anyone else, doesn't want to date me right now and she would be disappointed if I dated anyone else. she's going out of town this weekend, think i'm gonna just chill and see her in 2 weeks. let absence make the heart grow fonder or some shit like that.

one of my friends really pissed me off last night. i'm sort of seeing my ex again. and i'm head over heals in love with her. she's not ready for anything, so we've kept things pretty middle schoolish. FRUSTRATING AS HELL CUZ I WANT HER SO BADLY. and i know she wants me. she got drunk and i had just enough to drink to make me reflective (i hate that crap) and she told me that she can't make any promises. The only promise i wanted is to not be in the friend zone. and while i'm far from that now, who's to say that's not going to change. that's my greatest fear, b/c i can never be just friends. i love her too much to think of her in that way.

so my friend, who actually set me and my ex up, was asking if we'd had sex yet and i told her the truth, no- we're taking things slow and seeing where things go. my friend's response is something like 'so how's your best friend'. it was almost like a gut punch. i've been very patient and i can be patient b/c i know she wants to really try to give us a shot. what hurts is that i can't wait forever, as much as i want to.

reflective today. not sure why. it isn't like i've gotten hints that nothing's going to happen, she just wanted me to understand that she can't make promises. and i get that. i wish i could do more than be the awesome patient guy. we have a date tonite, going to dave and buster's. i want to talk about this but i just can't b/c i feel like that would be pressuring her into something she isn't quite ready for.

yeah it's been a while since i blogged. so much has happened. a bit over a month ago, my ex text me out of the blue wanting to get coffee. well we ended up just hanging out at my place and drinking all my winter lager. was a good night, we got a lot out in the open. she's moving out of her house she has with her now ex and she told me that she regretted breaking up with me and wants to try again. not right away mind you, she needs to get on her own and get her head straight. we'll we've hung out almost weekly since and last Fri (the 13th) was my b-day party, which she came to. it was an amazing night and, well we got a little drunk, made out in the ladies room and her car for quite a while. we wanted more but managed to keep our desire in check. neither of us wants to rush into something, she isn't ready for a relationship right now and we both want that. it sucks to wait b/c we both want each other so badly and the teasing is OUT OF CONTROL!!! it's almost to the point where we can't see each other, which really sucks. life is good though and i'm excited to see where things can go this time around. i find that my feelings for her are very strong still, i hope i can keep my feelings in check. i know she wants me, not just sexually and i know she cares about me.

i'm not the same person i was last time, party b/c she broke my heart, but i'm a better person. she thinks she isn't good enough for me, and i'm not sure how to assuage that fear in her. she is everything i ever wanted and everything i never knew that i wanted. i love her and i want her to understand that i don't care about her past, i just want the present and the future. or at least a chance at that. i'm a very logical and mathematical person and i can see all the possibilities ahead and i do see the potential to spend the rest of my life with this woman and it fills me with so much joy i might supernova. when she smiles at me (or does certain other things ) i feel like the luckiest man on earth and everything in the universe seems just right. of course, i can't express this to her yet as we aren't even dating technically.

so..... my ex texts me out of the blue last night and want's to get coffee. she ended up coming over to my place and we had a few beers. she pretty much told me that she's been thinking about me lately and has made 2 mistakes. 1 breaking up with me, 2 moving in with her new boyfriend. she's not happy and wants to be out on her own again. i'm not getting ahead of myself, but it seems that we may be getting back together soonish. i love her so much and i want her back, but i'm happy with where i'm at and if we can be happy together, that would be awesome

i'm not sure where i'm at in my life right now. life is good. one of my best friends is moving to texas for a month or permanently- don't know yet. new tattoo today, pics tomorrow. i feel like i'm waiting for something and i don't know what, but it could be interesting.

so my luck with the ladies continues to fail. i don't know if i'm too picky or what, but i've turned down more one night stands in the last 2 months than i've had relationships, am i crazy? am i wrong to want more than one night maybe-bliss? met with disappointment this week from laura. she wants me, but it isn't enough that we want to be together. apparently my drinking and smoking weed means that deep down i'm not a happy person? yeah cuz i smoke and drink every night....hell i'll go weeks with out both. i go to the bar and not even drink sometimes but she assumes that i go and get drunk and smoke all the time, wow how she is misinformed. fuck it, i don't have to justify shit to her. i want a woman who'll take me as i am. i'll compromise to be with someone, but when they judge me for the wrong reasons and are completely off base, i'm not gonna put up with that shit!! any nice, sexy ladies out there want a genuinely nice guy? alas, you all live so far away!! anyone in KC i'm up for making friends, maybe more. anyone hit me up if their ever in KC, i rock the karaoke mic and have a blast when i go out!!

it's been entirely too long since i've blogged. let's see, in the last month i've turned down 3 women with overt offers for me to take them home and do dirty things to... i have standards sadly that overrode my need to get laid. or i could be lying to myself about my ex. or both, don't know, don't really care. i got my own place now and i LOVE it, money is tight but that happens so no big really. big party for a friend tomorrow night, maybe i'll me ms right, or maybe ms right-now. peace out!!

one of my favorite actors ever Adam Tudyk's new movie http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjmhuYgZrow OMG HILARIOUS!!

I GOT MY NEW APARTMENT!!!! woooooo!!! So now that i have money to grow as an adult, everyone is hitting me up for money all at once. Who to pay first.....ugh.