My girlfriend broke up with me.
She prefers if I say "We broke up"
I say her preferences went out the window about 5 days ago.
Which is harsh, and totally untrue.
She's still my best friend.
buy me a pony from amazon.
She prefers if I say "We broke up"
I say her preferences went out the window about 5 days ago.
Which is harsh, and totally untrue.
She's still my best friend.
buy me a pony from amazon.
The new year ain't great so far.
I'mma give it one more chance.
Satisfactory new years to you all,
I'mma give it one more chance.
Satisfactory new years to you all,
I am hypothetically going to go to law school.
It's kind of scary.
Where I used to be this fun and creative person.
I'm going to have a briefcase and shiny shoes.
Part of me hates the idea, part of me thinks its kind of cool.
I think I need a nap.
It's kind of scary.
Where I used to be this fun and creative person.
I'm going to have a briefcase and shiny shoes.
Part of me hates the idea, part of me thinks its kind of cool.
I think I need a nap.
came home after work,
doritos in hand.
Started watching tv in the living room, then the roommate comes home.
What can you do?
So I go into my room, clear the clothes off the bed,
and there's something damp.
I pull the covers back and there is a giant wet spot on the bed.
Spot is the wrong word.
There is a giant continent of wet,
Like fucking frosty was waiting for me to come home.
I assume the dog pissed on it,
but it doesn't really smell like piss.
It smells like something, it kind of smells like a hair salon.
anyhow, I guess I'm sleeping on the floor
cool bitches,
doritos in hand.
Started watching tv in the living room, then the roommate comes home.
What can you do?
So I go into my room, clear the clothes off the bed,
and there's something damp.
I pull the covers back and there is a giant wet spot on the bed.
Spot is the wrong word.
There is a giant continent of wet,
Like fucking frosty was waiting for me to come home.
I assume the dog pissed on it,
but it doesn't really smell like piss.
It smells like something, it kind of smells like a hair salon.
anyhow, I guess I'm sleeping on the floor
cool bitches,
It's 1:25 am,
I am about to finish an entire entenmann's coffee cake,
I'm watching ABC family shows on dvd and developing crushes on barely legal actresses as though their characters are real people who see the beauty of my soul.
Did I mention I'm gluten intollerant?
In the DSM VI there is a picture of me under depression.
But it's one of those cool wsj stipple pictures.
Jealous?
I am about to finish an entire entenmann's coffee cake,
I'm watching ABC family shows on dvd and developing crushes on barely legal actresses as though their characters are real people who see the beauty of my soul.
Did I mention I'm gluten intollerant?
In the DSM VI there is a picture of me under depression.
But it's one of those cool wsj stipple pictures.
Jealous?
I've been thirty for about two hours now,
here's what I've learned.
Yeah, it's the big one.
Before, there is hope, and sunshine.
Now I'm basically waiting for my AARP card, and you know, flyers from the local mortuary.
It is all downhill from here.
All that being said, I have had a pretty good year, up til now.
I'm with a girl I like.
I'm inches away from buying a house, just bought a new car.
All with retail money.
Goddamn I just noticed the tiny balloon next to my name.
That is fucking depressing.
Yay, it's a party, you're older than your dad was when you were born.
Scratch that, both your parents.
Here is a single tiny pink balloon, it announces your slow descent into dementia and incontinence.
We would have had streamers, but what's it matter you'll be dead soon.
blah, blah, blah, self loathing and pity seeking.
cool bitches
here's what I've learned.
Yeah, it's the big one.
Before, there is hope, and sunshine.
Now I'm basically waiting for my AARP card, and you know, flyers from the local mortuary.
It is all downhill from here.
All that being said, I have had a pretty good year, up til now.
I'm with a girl I like.
I'm inches away from buying a house, just bought a new car.
All with retail money.
Goddamn I just noticed the tiny balloon next to my name.
That is fucking depressing.
Yay, it's a party, you're older than your dad was when you were born.
Scratch that, both your parents.
Here is a single tiny pink balloon, it announces your slow descent into dementia and incontinence.
We would have had streamers, but what's it matter you'll be dead soon.
blah, blah, blah, self loathing and pity seeking.
cool bitches
Dude,
I'm doing a star trek deep space nine marathon.
and despite all stereotypes,
I am most probably having sex tomorrow.
with a girl.
I wish I could high five myself.
I also am eating twinkies.
be jealous bitches
I'm doing a star trek deep space nine marathon.
and despite all stereotypes,
I am most probably having sex tomorrow.
with a girl.
I wish I could high five myself.
I also am eating twinkies.
be jealous bitches
I met a girl on the computer.
Wait it gets worse.
I kind of like her.
Yeah, at this point I'm amazed I don't live in my parents basement.
Who knows, we'll probably meet in person, she'll vomit on me and slash my tires.
That'd be something right.
A story worth telling.
I once went on a "date" with a computer woman, mind you a woman i met on the computer, not like a cyborg, and you could see in her eyes, the disappointment when I showed up.
which leads me to my next point, or first point really.
How come people look so much better in pictures than in real life.
It's not a 100% thing, but it's happening more and more often.
For my job, I have to check ID's, and the more I do, the more I think...
Jesus, forget what people say about the DMV. Compared to how you look in person, the rotund woman who seemed snippy to you, did you up like glamour shots. It's the fucking truth. I wouldn't touch you with Charlie Sheen's dick, but if I could borrow your license for a minute, I might be able to work something up.
That took it way too far.
But you get where I'm going with this.
On second thought maybe using the word "point" was a bit extreme.
Digression.
Cool, Bitches
Wait it gets worse.
I kind of like her.
Yeah, at this point I'm amazed I don't live in my parents basement.
Who knows, we'll probably meet in person, she'll vomit on me and slash my tires.
That'd be something right.
A story worth telling.
I once went on a "date" with a computer woman, mind you a woman i met on the computer, not like a cyborg, and you could see in her eyes, the disappointment when I showed up.
which leads me to my next point, or first point really.
How come people look so much better in pictures than in real life.
It's not a 100% thing, but it's happening more and more often.
For my job, I have to check ID's, and the more I do, the more I think...
Jesus, forget what people say about the DMV. Compared to how you look in person, the rotund woman who seemed snippy to you, did you up like glamour shots. It's the fucking truth. I wouldn't touch you with Charlie Sheen's dick, but if I could borrow your license for a minute, I might be able to work something up.
That took it way too far.
But you get where I'm going with this.
On second thought maybe using the word "point" was a bit extreme.
Digression.
Cool, Bitches
today, I am sick.
Have you ever watched House, when you're sick.
It's a hypochondriac's wet dream.
I myself am pretty sure I have Lymphoma, and some sort of mold allergy going on right now.
TV is so fucking useful.
hope springs something clever
cool, bitches
Have you ever watched House, when you're sick.
It's a hypochondriac's wet dream.
I myself am pretty sure I have Lymphoma, and some sort of mold allergy going on right now.
TV is so fucking useful.
hope springs something clever
cool, bitches
JUNE 2012
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MAY 2012
APRIL 2012
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