It all went so wrong yesterday. So very, very wrong.
I took an ativan last night & I was happy & giggly & relaxed. I was what I assume everyone else is like when they go out for drinks or when they sit in a circle & smoke greens. I have never got that good feeling like everyone else for any kind of drug or drink & it sucks so much. But, last night Ativan gave me the good reaction that I see eveyone else get when they go out after work or on the weekend at the bar with a drink. I used to be jealous of all the happy drunks getting a break from reality when all alcohol did for me was make my stomach hurt like fuck & it would make me so hot & flushed that I couldn't take it & then, on top of all this discomfort, I couldn't seem to walk straight. & sometimes it also would cramp up my leg muscles so bad that I would have to take a tylonol, if I had one handy. But last night I had ativan & I just knew it would be ok tomorrow for the dentist. How could it not, feeling this good. I just knew everything was going to be ok. Everything at the dentist. Everything in life.
I woke up groggy & feeling hungover in the head. So, I took the other two for the appointment & I was ok, felt tipsy & couldn't walk a straight line, but really couldn't sober anyway so that was ok because my nerves were ok. I showered & was relaxed within my mind. It was completely groovy, baby.
I got there & I was fine & they called me back. I felt fine. Ahhh, nice & fine. I talked about my whitening & she tested my teeth & said I went up a shade already. We talked about that & other teeth related stuff while waiting for the doctor.
The doc came & they put the Orajel on my gums & then I think they were putting the needle up to my gums or something & that triggered something. It startled me. I am used to them walking me through it & I didn't know what was happening. Just hands & movement & I couldn't see what they were doing exactally without my glasses. So then, all of a sudden I just started crying & becoming this hysterical mess that I could not stop. Too many hands in my face moving around faster & faster & it seemed like a blur & it really started to get to me. I started to have a total freakout.
We stopped so I could put another ativan under my tongue & we sat & waited for it to kick in, but that just made me cry more for some reason & then I was crying about my financial problems & the $400 that this was going to cost & that I am so far in debt I don't see an end in sight. Then I was crying about my Belle who died last January & how much I miss her & that her death is all my fault. And then it was about that I can't even do anything right, not even a plain old cavity filling on a Monday afternoon & how upset I knew I was going to be later on about this episode of tears in the middle of the office. And I knew that I wanted to prove to myself that I was not a failer at something. But, again I prove I am. And then I got upset about how hard it is for me at Christmastime every year & how I am crying like this every day in December & Dec. is so close now I just don't want to deal with it again... not again. And then I was crying for my first true love who broke my heart in '89 & how I just sat in the car & cried after he told me & he just got out & walked away like nothing happened & then the song came on the radio just then... "How Am I Supposed to live Without You" & it just made it all so much worse. And then I cried for the reason that I would never be a normal person with rational feelings going to work & making something of myself & not crying at inappropriate times. And how I will never have a house or a yard or a garden of chives because of this. And then I was crying because I fell like I don't have friends who I feel comfortable around or a nice body or pretty hair or even good eyesight. And then I was upset because I couldn't stop crying about all this trivial stuff when I have two perfect legs to walk with & two arms & I am not completely blind & I can hear & I do have a roof over my head & I got so upset at how much of a baby I was being about these things. And everyone was starring at me & I knew they knew I was juts a privaliaged little princess throwing a fit. But I couldn't stop & I felt stupid & alone & then I was crying about how men just don't like me. They like me, sure, just for a quick fuck & I have to constantly be analysing what they are up to so I can dump them quick before they pull a just fuck & run on me. But they don't ever *like* me. I am just a trend to them, a novelty. A great way to pass the time & get some entertainment before the real girl comes along & they give them the world while I watch. I don't know if it is the weight thing or the crazy thing that turns them off & I don't know how I can be so damaged that I don't deserve some love too in this fucked up world. I just don't know what could be so bad about me, but also, I DO know EXACTALLY what is so bad about me, so I also don't quite blame them really for ignoring & stop talking to me. They can sense the crazy. Then I start thinking about how the whole summer has been a waste & how my whole life has been a waste too & so I just kept crying & walk outside & sit on a rock.
I came home & sat in my friend's car & went on & on about this stuff. So long in fact, that her son fell completely asleep. I then came inside & crashed until 8pm, cried some more & then back to sleep until 10pm, cried some more. Then my friend brought us Burgerville, but it didn't have a taste to me at all because it all tasted like my salty tears & my swollen face & my damaged personality. And the spot where the shot was given was sore & I had a hard time behaving nicely with my friend & her kids because all I wanted to do was cry all over the place.
I took an ativan last night & I was happy & giggly & relaxed. I was what I assume everyone else is like when they go out for drinks or when they sit in a circle & smoke greens. I have never got that good feeling like everyone else for any kind of drug or drink & it sucks so much. But, last night Ativan gave me the good reaction that I see eveyone else get when they go out after work or on the weekend at the bar with a drink. I used to be jealous of all the happy drunks getting a break from reality when all alcohol did for me was make my stomach hurt like fuck & it would make me so hot & flushed that I couldn't take it & then, on top of all this discomfort, I couldn't seem to walk straight. & sometimes it also would cramp up my leg muscles so bad that I would have to take a tylonol, if I had one handy. But last night I had ativan & I just knew it would be ok tomorrow for the dentist. How could it not, feeling this good. I just knew everything was going to be ok. Everything at the dentist. Everything in life.
I woke up groggy & feeling hungover in the head. So, I took the other two for the appointment & I was ok, felt tipsy & couldn't walk a straight line, but really couldn't sober anyway so that was ok because my nerves were ok. I showered & was relaxed within my mind. It was completely groovy, baby.
I got there & I was fine & they called me back. I felt fine. Ahhh, nice & fine. I talked about my whitening & she tested my teeth & said I went up a shade already. We talked about that & other teeth related stuff while waiting for the doctor.
The doc came & they put the Orajel on my gums & then I think they were putting the needle up to my gums or something & that triggered something. It startled me. I am used to them walking me through it & I didn't know what was happening. Just hands & movement & I couldn't see what they were doing exactally without my glasses. So then, all of a sudden I just started crying & becoming this hysterical mess that I could not stop. Too many hands in my face moving around faster & faster & it seemed like a blur & it really started to get to me. I started to have a total freakout.
We stopped so I could put another ativan under my tongue & we sat & waited for it to kick in, but that just made me cry more for some reason & then I was crying about my financial problems & the $400 that this was going to cost & that I am so far in debt I don't see an end in sight. Then I was crying about my Belle who died last January & how much I miss her & that her death is all my fault. And then it was about that I can't even do anything right, not even a plain old cavity filling on a Monday afternoon & how upset I knew I was going to be later on about this episode of tears in the middle of the office. And I knew that I wanted to prove to myself that I was not a failer at something. But, again I prove I am. And then I got upset about how hard it is for me at Christmastime every year & how I am crying like this every day in December & Dec. is so close now I just don't want to deal with it again... not again. And then I was crying for my first true love who broke my heart in '89 & how I just sat in the car & cried after he told me & he just got out & walked away like nothing happened & then the song came on the radio just then... "How Am I Supposed to live Without You" & it just made it all so much worse. And then I cried for the reason that I would never be a normal person with rational feelings going to work & making something of myself & not crying at inappropriate times. And how I will never have a house or a yard or a garden of chives because of this. And then I was crying because I fell like I don't have friends who I feel comfortable around or a nice body or pretty hair or even good eyesight. And then I was upset because I couldn't stop crying about all this trivial stuff when I have two perfect legs to walk with & two arms & I am not completely blind & I can hear & I do have a roof over my head & I got so upset at how much of a baby I was being about these things. And everyone was starring at me & I knew they knew I was juts a privaliaged little princess throwing a fit. But I couldn't stop & I felt stupid & alone & then I was crying about how men just don't like me. They like me, sure, just for a quick fuck & I have to constantly be analysing what they are up to so I can dump them quick before they pull a just fuck & run on me. But they don't ever *like* me. I am just a trend to them, a novelty. A great way to pass the time & get some entertainment before the real girl comes along & they give them the world while I watch. I don't know if it is the weight thing or the crazy thing that turns them off & I don't know how I can be so damaged that I don't deserve some love too in this fucked up world. I just don't know what could be so bad about me, but also, I DO know EXACTALLY what is so bad about me, so I also don't quite blame them really for ignoring & stop talking to me. They can sense the crazy. Then I start thinking about how the whole summer has been a waste & how my whole life has been a waste too & so I just kept crying & walk outside & sit on a rock.
I came home & sat in my friend's car & went on & on about this stuff. So long in fact, that her son fell completely asleep. I then came inside & crashed until 8pm, cried some more & then back to sleep until 10pm, cried some more. Then my friend brought us Burgerville, but it didn't have a taste to me at all because it all tasted like my salty tears & my swollen face & my damaged personality. And the spot where the shot was given was sore & I had a hard time behaving nicely with my friend & her kids because all I wanted to do was cry all over the place.
Don't worry so much. Things always turn around sooner or later. Like you said, you have alot to be thankful for, and that's what counts the most in life. I have found prayer to always be important and it helps me get through things knowing who is always there for me no matter what. One of these days I'll catch you home