Life goes on... I am told...
I am starting today. I shall start with the truth. The truth being to large, for a word, a sentence, a silly little blog on an awesome website, that no one I know will ever read. But I will start here.
I have been alone most of my life. I had great parents, a few friends scattered over the years. But mostly alone. Never really fitting any place I found. The closest I came was high school band. For the first time, I found something I was decent enough at someone paid attention. I thank the music for keeping me alive... and some other people alive... I probably would have exploded.
Being alone taught me to watch the people around me, observe their feelings, thoughts, and desires. They never matched my point of view. The group did not want to see me or even really know I existed. I was to large for their narrow point of view.
Junior year I met the lady who would help shape my life. She was not of conventional beauty. Probably why I enjoyed her presence. But her eyes danced with pain and life, I could not stop thinking about them. She consumed my life for the next four years. I graduated, she graduated, we moved in together. We broke each others hearts. The mold I was trying to force myself and her into... broke.
The next person would be my first wife. She was everything my first love was not. Strong, confident, dangerous, and carefree both in mind and body. I think I was more of a fascination than anything in the beginning. But never the less I did what everybody else did not. I put her pleasure and desires above my own. I showed how a strange boy could love without requiring a payment in return. She became pregnant with my son. I don't think she was expecting me to be so happy. But she gave me something I only dreamed could exist in my life. Someone to love me the same way I loved others. We married. He was born. Most beautiful thing I had ever seen. She grew up and out of my life. We divorced. I was able to look past...
Life goes on... I am told...
I am starting today. I shall start with the truth. The truth being to large, for a word, a sentence, a silly little blog on an awesome website, that no one I know will ever read. But I will start here.
I have been alone most of my life. I had great parents, a few friends scattered over the years. But mostly alone. Never really fitting any place I found. The closest I came was high school band. For the first time, I found something I was decent enough at someone paid attention. I thank the music for keeping me alive... and some other people alive... I probably would have exploded.
Being alone taught me to watch the people around me, observe their feelings, thoughts, and desires. They never matched my point of view. The group did not want to see me or even really know I existed. I was to large for their narrow point of view.
Junior year I met the lady who would help shape my life. She was not of conventional beauty. Probably why I enjoyed her presence. But her eyes danced with pain and life, I could not stop thinking about them. She consumed my life for the next four years. I graduated, she graduated, we moved in together. We broke each others hearts. The mold I was trying to force myself and her into... broke.
The next person would be my first wife. She was everything my first love was not. Strong, confident, dangerous, and carefree both in mind and body. I think I was more of a fascination than anything in the beginning. But never the less I did what everybody else did not. I put her pleasure and desires above my own. I showed how a strange boy could love without requiring a payment in return. She became pregnant with my son. I don't think she was expecting me to be so happy. But she gave me something I only dreamed could exist in my life. Someone to love me the same way I loved others. We married. He was born. Most beautiful thing I had ever seen. She grew up and out of my life. We divorced. I was able to look past my own desires to fulfill her desires. I lost what she loved most.
I returned to were I began many years ago. To my first love. She accepted me with open arms. But I only showed her the fragments of me I thought she would love. I did not give her the chance to love all of me. Because I did not know who I was anymore. I had been fractured by the many events in my life. So Instead of putting together the pieces and making a whole person, I sold an idea, and married my first love. And again I dove deep into all the things the other person was not. And I worshiped her, and feared to show her anything that I might truly be. For now, I am afraid to be alone. So I lie, keeping parts of who I am and my desires under lock and key. Never to be shown again... Or so I thought.
I liked to flirt with other women, I enjoyed there reaction to my compliments. I liked watching their light ignite in the dark places of their souls. It was the most beautiful thing. Two years I never took a step past flirting. But then the I met her. The own who changed my point of view on myself and helped me put together the pieces I thought were buried. She was adorable, short, round, and the cutest dimples I have ever seen. And as much as she hated to be complimented, I could not help it. The way she would smile and light up... my heart sang. So flirting turned into lunch breaks. Lunch breaks turned into hand holding and long hugs. Until we ended up in front of a hotel. I wanted more than anything to go inside... but I could not. As much as I wanted her i could not break the heart of my first love. What scared me more than the idea of cheating on her is the fact I did not want to lose her love any more than I did want to lose dimples. But... I choose the commitment i made to my first love. And I lost a friend. But I did not tell my first love of my relationship. One of the most important events. I could not share.
This tradition continued. I would meet a lovely woman. Give her my heart, she would return the favor. We would push to the point of sex. But I would not cross and another friendship would be lost... So I decided to move my family. Maybe a change of venue would keep me from stepping into another relationship. Wrong. If anything the menu grew and the situations were easier due to the lack of knowledge of the people around my first love. So again, we moved. Finally a place with no menu... So small of place I could not hide and not much to see either way. Until I went to class three hours away. I was gone all week. And nobody to tell.
But I was miserable. I did not have any of the affection I once had. I did not have the extra love I enjoyed.
So I looked at what i was, where I have been, why I felt the way I did. I was alone again. In a house full of people that loved me, I was alone, and starving. She wanted so bad to enough. But I could not lie anymore. So I presented the idea of Polyamory. She revolted. Can not really blame her. I was her dream. Or at least the idea of me was her dream. But she did not know any better, because I never gave her the chance to know who I really am. And now I am truly alone. My daughter is with her and they are a 1000 miles away. My son is with his mother now. And although I will be with him soon. I am still alone. And think this may be the only way I can be. Maybe someday my first love will move on and find another love someone who will open up and give her the honesty I did not. Maybe someday it might be me. I doubt it though. I will float though this life, loving those who truly need my love. Helping them through their darkness. And watching them leave. To be alone... To be free to help and love those who need me and to be able to free them from their bindings. To love without rules, boundaries, or jealously. My mission!
I am starting today. I shall start with the truth. The truth being to large, for a word, a sentence, a silly little blog on an awesome website, that no one I know will ever read. But I will start here.
I have been alone most of my life. I had great parents, a few friends scattered over the years. But mostly alone. Never really fitting any place I found. The closest I came was high school band. For the first time, I found something I was decent enough at someone paid attention. I thank the music for keeping me alive... and some other people alive... I probably would have exploded.
Being alone taught me to watch the people around me, observe their feelings, thoughts, and desires. They never matched my point of view. The group did not want to see me or even really know I existed. I was to large for their narrow point of view.
Junior year I met the lady who would help shape my life. She was not of conventional beauty. Probably why I enjoyed her presence. But her eyes danced with pain and life, I could not stop thinking about them. She consumed my life for the next four years. I graduated, she graduated, we moved in together. We broke each others hearts. The mold I was trying to force myself and her into... broke.
The next person would be my first wife. She was everything my first love was not. Strong, confident, dangerous, and carefree both in mind and body. I think I was more of a fascination than anything in the beginning. But never the less I did what everybody else did not. I put her pleasure and desires above my own. I showed how a strange boy could love without requiring a payment in return. She became pregnant with my son. I don't think she was expecting me to be so happy. But she gave me something I only dreamed could exist in my life. Someone to love me the same way I loved others. We married. He was born. Most beautiful thing I had ever seen. She grew up and out of my life. We divorced. I was able to look past...