Life continues to suck at a quicker pace than usual. Jen has been feeling sick and nauseous, and throwing up again. Her legs have turned blue and are very painful. I don't know if it is her diabetes, fibromyalgia or her heart working at ten percent. She has not been eating much and gets tired just going to the bathroom. I have been strong through all of this, but now I feel like I am running out. It hurts me to see her sick and suffering, the stress of seeing everything that she is going through, and the uncertainty of her getting better, I don't know what to do. Jen is the person who I would go to seeking comfort and reassurance, now I have no one. She is in pain all the time and if I hold her tight, it causes her pain. How am I supposed to deal with all of this?? Honestly, seeing how she has been since the pacemaker was installed, I don't think that she will be here next year for our anniversary. I don't know what to do. Help me. I don't know how much more I can take.
watching a movie about the world's most prolific serial killer for relaxation. My week has sucked ass once again. Jen has said twice that she is sick and tired of being sick and tired and wants to stop taking her meds. How am i supposed to deal with this? Her father is not doing so great, and that is stressing her out, which stresses me out. She is not getting any better and she is still in pain, i just don't know what to do anymore. what she is doing is not living, and if she doesn't start to get better, i don't know what is going to happen. I don't know what to do anymore.
You know days like today are made for a bottle of lorazapam and a 40 of vodka. In my quest for some human contact, I have made someone think I was a stalker. I know sometimes i want too much too fast, but i am just so lonely these days. it gets worse when Jen is ready to give up on life, especially if her cataracts cause her to go blind. she needs to see to read lips because she is 60% deaf. She wants to see a grief counselor, i am trying to be strong, but today i am just losing my shit altogether. i know that it is supposed to be about helping Jen get through this, but i have started to lose hope. Lose hope in her getting better, losing hope in my ability to deal with this, and losing my faith. When Jen was diagnosed with the cataracts, and her reaction to possibly losing her sight, what the fuck is next!!! what the fuck did i do to deserve this????? Why is this happening to Jen, the kindest, sweetest person I know? Why does it take me so long to find the love of my life only to lose her? I have lost her in the sense that she cannot come up the stairs to stay with me, she stays downstairs with her parents, and that is also driving her crazy. it is not good for her health, or mine. And on top of all this, we still need a doctors note clearing her for sexual activity, and if she actually gets the heart transplant, who knows how long it will be?
ok, my last blog i mentioned that i am having feelings for someone i have been chatting with. We had some issues last week, i tend to want it all and now. we had some stalker issues, but i think we are getting past those. I still feel that i am developing feelings for this person, but meeting her is basically a pipe dream. I keep trying and she gets more elusive.
For those of you who do not know; Jen has an enlarged heart and had a three wire pacemaker implanted in December, but it is not doing what it is supposed to. Add fibromyalgia, brittle diabetes and severe pain in her jaw up to her ear..
I was expecting to be roasted over the coals for asking solutions for not being able to have sex. And looking for an outlet.
At this point, i am not sure if we will ever be able to have sex again, She has been so weak even after the pacemaker, i wonder what is going to happen next.
All I want is for Jen to get better, but I have needs too. I need to find a balance
For those of you who do not know; Jen has an enlarged heart and had a three wire pacemaker implanted in December, but it is not doing what it is supposed to. Add fibromyalgia, brittle diabetes and severe pain in her jaw up to her ear..
I was expecting to be roasted over the coals for asking solutions for not being able to have sex. And looking for an outlet.
At this point, i am not sure if we will ever be able to have sex again, She has been so weak even after the pacemaker, i wonder what is going to happen next.
All I want is for Jen to get better, but I have needs too. I need to find a balance
well, so much for peer support. i am having a rough time with Jen and her father both being sick, and only LaceyK offered any words of encouragement. Jen is not getting any better, even with the pacemaker and her father is having a really tough time with dialysis. Well,i guess that i am on my own with all this. Thanks Lacey.
I work 6 days a week to help get the restaurant profitable again, and last night one of the owners insults my food and my abilities! I work my ass off for these idiots, i work at home without getting paid, what an idiot I have been. Why should i try to help someone when i don't get any thanks or recognition? I am so underpaid that i actually had to declare bankruptcy. All of this on top of what i am trying to deal with Jen and her father. I try to help, and get shit on for it. what ever happened to karma?
Well, the shit is hitting the fan and i don't know what i can do. We saw the cardiologist today, and the news was not great. Her heart function has not increased, and she is retaining water, more than 15 pounds to be exact, none of this should be happening since she has the pacemaker. I read in her file exactly what her heart condition is; NYHA III. That basically means that her condition is moderate. We go get her pacemaker checked tomorrow.
Next on the why the fuck is this happening list; Jen's father went into total kidney failure about a month ago. He now goes for dialysis 3 times a week. Today they discovered that he is anemic, he has almost no iron in his blood. Now in addition to dialysis, he has to get a transfusion once a week as well. He has been put on the urgent transplant list. Jen, and myself, are very concerned about him, and that has me concerned about her. She needs to be stress free so she can get better. Her pulse is still over 100 resting and her blood pressure is 90/70. So much stress, so little time.
Next on the why the fuck is this happening list; Jen's father went into total kidney failure about a month ago. He now goes for dialysis 3 times a week. Today they discovered that he is anemic, he has almost no iron in his blood. Now in addition to dialysis, he has to get a transfusion once a week as well. He has been put on the urgent transplant list. Jen, and myself, are very concerned about him, and that has me concerned about her. She needs to be stress free so she can get better. Her pulse is still over 100 resting and her blood pressure is 90/70. So much stress, so little time.
I haven't posted in a while because I don't know what to say. It has been a couple of months since Jen's pacemaker surgery, she is a bit better but still weak. I thought that she would be stronger by now, and in less pain than she is. She is looking forward to a heart transplant, I am not so positive. I know that sex is off the table right now, and i don't think that it ever will be like it used to be. We both liked it a bit rough, but now i am afraid of hurting her, or causing a heart attack. She has been living downstairs with her parents since August because she can't walk up the stairs, and they could not get her hospital bed upstairs. I want the closeness of a sexual relationship, but I need something more than pity cripple sex. I need release, but i don't want to cheat. What can I do?
