have you ever put a band-aid around your finger because of a small cut and you accidentally put the band-aid too tight that it's cutting off your circulation? i think i do this on purpose just so i can see some other type of colour put into my immaculate skin. call me weird but i'm currently fascinated with hands for some reason. without mine i wouldn't be able to write or type any of the stuff i do, carry a wedding ring on my finger, feed myself, point out the beautiful, hold my ex lovers hand, and so on and so on. i've been having horrid nightmares for the past five days. i find myself tossing and turning more than usual and none of these dreams seem to make sense to me. ones where people are chasing me, yelling at me, and abusing me. i'd really like to know what's going on. dreams that consist of having a stranger in a kitchen with a handful of oleanders only to be dipped into a tall glass of milky wine and in the morning he was sure the poison would be the death of me. sometimes i feel like i'm living my life in a cinema scene, just another one of those overly dramatic teenage movies that'll come out on DVD right away because it wasn't good enough to make it to the big screens.

i think i trap myself inside the house so much because when i'm inside and isolated i get to imagine everything is beautiful, that everyone is rich and happy, that everyone lives in nice homes, no one is starving to death, everyone is healthy, and we're in some kind of paradise. i've come to realize just this morning that we all don't shower in glitter but more like something more clear... water. the sky isn't holding a rainbow everyday and smiles aren't being put to use, the sun isn't always shining and lately the few times i've gone out it's been a sad shade of gold almost a blur or maybe i'm going more blind. we don't all wipe our tears away with money, more like tissue. when i'm out i notice everything isn't what i have made up in my head and this disappoints me and makes me sad. i'd...

have you ever put a band-aid around your finger because of a small cut and you accidentally put the band-aid too tight that it's cutting off your circulation? i think i do this on purpose just so i can see some other type of colour put into my immaculate skin. call me weird but i'm currently fascinated with hands for some reason. without mine i wouldn't be able to write or type any of the stuff i do, carry a wedding ring on my finger, feed myself, point out the beautiful, hold my ex lovers hand, and so on and so on. i've been having horrid nightmares for the past five days. i find myself tossing and turning more than usual and none of these dreams seem to make sense to me. ones where people are chasing me, yelling at me, and abusing me. i'd really like to know what's going on. dreams that consist of having a stranger in a kitchen with a handful of oleanders only to be dipped into a tall glass of milky wine and in the morning he was sure the poison would be the death of me. sometimes i feel like i'm living my life in a cinema scene, just another one of those overly dramatic teenage movies that'll come out on DVD right away because it wasn't good enough to make it to the big screens.

i think i trap myself inside the house so much because when i'm inside and isolated i get to imagine everything is beautiful, that everyone is rich and happy, that everyone lives in nice homes, no one is starving to death, everyone is healthy, and we're in some kind of paradise. i've come to realize just this morning that we all don't shower in glitter but more like something more clear... water. the sky isn't holding a rainbow everyday and smiles aren't being put to use, the sun isn't always shining and lately the few times i've gone out it's been a sad shade of gold almost a blur or maybe i'm going more blind. we don't all wipe our tears away with money, more like tissue. when i'm out i notice everything isn't what i have made up in my head and this disappoints me and makes me sad. i'd rather keep myself secluded and keep dreaming a reality made up until it appears alive to me elsewhere beyond these thoughts.

thank you. kiddy for not making sense :]