well, my husband and i have spent the last couple of days talking about everything. as it stands we're going to live together as room mates. it's definitely more complicated, but in simple terms i basically ''came out''. it was terrifying and heartbreaking at the same time. i didn't realize how much anguish i was in. i still feel very raw, but numb at the same time.

because i am starting school in january and i'm currently in a band while working a part time job he's willing to live with me and us help each other out. though i am excited about continuing to pursue the life i've always dreamed of having i'm also very scared about the unknown. as of right now i have no interest as far as pursuing a relationship with a woman, but i am going to explore a more open lifestyle as none of my friends really know about my secret. as i feel more comfortable i will open up about it. he's heartbroken, but he keeps telling me that he wants me to work my feelings out and wants my happiness more than anything else. i couldn't ask for anything more. he's wonderful.

i guess it's easy to put it out there on here, because everyone essentially is faceless and much less intimidating. so much of me wants these feelings to not be there. i've had a lot of terrible things happen to me as a result of it, but i know it's not realistic to think it will just go away. it's become much more intense the older i've gotten. i just hope that i'll become more independent and stronger in the process. as grateful as i am for his support i know that this is a journey i have to walk on my own.

thank you for the responses and brutal honesty. i needed the push. i guess i'll keep updating as things progress. i'm sure this mostly falls of deaf ears and that's fine. i just needed to get this secret off my chest. it was eating me alive.

stay kew kyds...

oh man. i'm in a very confusing situation. over the last few years my husband and i have gone through a lot of changes. it's been very hard and stressful, but i feel like he's really making an effort to make things better. i've been upfront about how i've felt and what i needed to make this marriage work. even though he's been making the effort and taking such good care of me i'm afraid of it being too late. the only time i miss him is at night when i'm in bed b/c i've become so accustomed to sharing a bed with someone that it's scary and strange when i'm alone. i literally can not sleep.

i had actually gotten to the point where i gave him an ultimatum even though i know that's not fair. our lease for our apartment is up in march. that's actually when we'll be hitting the five year mark of our relationship. i told him that i'd give him that much time to 'fix' things and if i didn't feel better or close to him then we would move into separate places, but i'm struggling with reconnecting to him. we're still affectionate to one another. we haven't had sex in awhile, but i think it's more b/c he's afraid to make a move. honestly, i don't want him to. at this point i don't feel in love anymore. i still care about him, but i don't want to be with him. i feel like if i was pushed this far then that's saying something.

on the other hand i feel like people can fall in and out of love. right now i suppose my heart's on hiatus. besides what's going on with us i'm rehearsing and in a new band. i'm getting everything together to start school in january, and i'm transitioning into the person i've always wanted to be, but was too afraid to. even when i was happy with him i still had doubts about our relationship. he's a really good guy. he supports who i am and what i want to do. he isn't jealous or insecure and he completely trusts me. he takes care of me and does a lot of thoughtful things for me, but still i'm so numb towards him.

i've been pretty avoidant about the whole situation. like i'm still being open to wanting it to work, but i don't believe in my heart it will. besides all of that i really am starting to feel like i want to be with a woman. i've had this desire for awhile and i've been with them before...just never a real relationship with one. i don't feel right in this role. it just doesn't feel like me at all. i don't think i'm suppose to be a wife. i don't want kids...hell, i don't even like them.

part of me honestly wants to be alone. i feel like i've become too dependent and i need to do more on my own. i'm so lost as of what to do. all of my friends are younger or really inexperienced when it comes to life. i don't have anywhere i can go or anyone i can talk to about what's going on with me. i'm sort of afraid of having a meltdown of sorts. i just want to start over.

i don't want to hurt anyone...especially him, but i don't know what to do.

meh...been awhile & i'm going through a bunch of changes. good ones, but it has kept me busy. i'll check in soon and catch everyone up. stay kew kyds. <3

YES!!! i finally did it. *woo-hoo* this is of course just the outline, but dammit i love it.




gotta go back in with colors, but i'm super crunk.

did my version of naruto styled kyddos for a campaign my friends are playing. thought it would be fun to draw their characters.

i secretly dream about becoming a yaoi artist.

i am definitely one for playing dress-up. i usually like to refer to myself as a ''genderless'' person. somedays it's drag queen and others drag king. making yourself into whoever you want to be is fun. i wish i knew more people who shared my enthusiasm. i thought this was seriously a great video. i'm not really a fan of mr. leto, but you've got to give this girl here kudos for being so talented:




meh, i got sorta bored and halfassed worked with gimp and made this picture of myself.



yeah, i know you're all impressed.

stay kew kyds...

it's always good i think to occupy yourself with positive images/songs whenever you are feeling bummed. honestly, after writing my blog i feel much better. i did self-medicate with some raising cane's and a mint chocolate chip concrete from eskimoe's. i do feel a bit of guilt about it since i've been in beast mode as far as my fitness and eating super clean, but one day won't kill me. i did however make up for it with a delicious lean salad and some of this:



much, much betterz.


seirei no moribito was a great series. really a complete story with amazing art and plenty of action. i suggest it for any anime fan who needs more than just beautiful animation. sub though...fugde on some dub noise.


dexter is baaaaccckkkk!!! seriously addicted to this show. i'm not usually a person who will regularly watch t.v. or follow a show. i prefer the option of waiting until completion, either purchasing or downloading the entire show, and then having a marathon. i'm so impatient that the waiting kills me, but for this series i'm being a good little girlie and waiting week to week. so, so good in my opinion, but i do have an obsession with mr. michael c. hall. i've got a thing for the gingers. *slurp*

i've always joked that i'm an alpha-female && i <3 toki doki anything, so i adore this watch:


but i do have a huge appreciation/love for music. especially vinyl and mixtapes. so these two would be wonderful as well:




i won't lie. originally my only interest in mad men was chistina hendricks. but then i heard it was a period drama set in the 1960s. after watching a few episodes i realized it is ah-mazing. it leaves you wanting to know what happens next. especially when you get ''next time on mad men'': what? why? was it you? i need you! it's a trap, but i'm never disappointed.

this is how you know you've made it:


besides all that. i will have some new picture(s) up soon. something femme this time i think. also, i was going through my friends list and i was sort of disappointed with myself. i have a much larger girl ratio. i don't want to come off like a creepy girl collector, but i just hate trying to find guys to add. every time i think i find an interesting one they have 50 pictures of their dick. as i've said before, i'm not freaked out by the penis. just not my preference. i just don't want to add a guy and he give me some creep-o shit. why can't a guy be cool AND keep his junk in his pants AND not sexually harass me via the internetz? guys, i have love for you, but let's get our acts together!

keep it kew kyds...

p.s. i meant to put up music as well, but i'll just leave you with these themes. i just realized that every show i've ever really been into have intros i watch the whole way through every time. i wonder if it's because it puts a spell on you and invites you in? curiouser...curiouser...









i will have to note the exception of queer as folk && the l word. they were by far two of my favorite shows. i assume they figured that the audience didn't need to be lured in. chances were if you were making the conscious decision to watch it that you were most likely homosexual or atleast supportive of the lifestyle. let's be honest here: their intros were just flat out gay.

i'm trying my best to succeed. i know the majority of the pressure i feel comes from myself, but i need to accomplish something great after so many wasted opportunities. i know i'm not a bad person, but i carry around such a tremendous amount of guilt. i really do feel alone and it's so hard to feel attached to anyone. i don't trust people at all. i feel so trapped where i live, but i know that if i can not make it here i won't anywhere else.

the only time i really get attached to or ''fall'' for people is in friendships. i feel closer to people i don't know. i guess it's the closest i can really get to someone, because i don't feel so emotionally responsible for them. i've carried a lot of others burdens, because i'm used to picking up the slack. in a relationship i start to feel tied down and overwhelmed. over time i grow apart from whoever i'm with and crave solitude. the best i ever feel is when i'm alone and single. i don't even go out and try to find someone to sate the lonliness. i just use it as fuel to push forward. i hate so many people. most of my family make me sick and embarassed. i still hurt over the shit with w. i really want to hurt her...just to make her feel like i do. i don't think she has any real feelings. she's the ugliest and saddest person i have ever met, but for some reason i still fucking loved her. i know that's just sick. it's not normal. i have to fucking get over her...especially when i have so much animosity towards her. i'm fine if i don't see or hear about her, but the moment i do i start to slowly go crazy. i hate that i can't get over what people have done to me. i think it's pathetic. now i don't even want to have friends. i just want to be alone.

i need to have something real and i can't go back to who i used to be, but sometimes i think i'd be better off with no one in my life. everyone i've tried to love, trust, or lean on has let me down. not in small ways like every person does, but in ways like they wanted to truly make me suffer or just feel insignificant. i know i'm not perfect, but i try to give as much as i can or do everything for the people i care about. i don't think anyone realizes how hard it is for me to do this. i'm strong in a lot of ways, but not emotionally. sometimes i think it would be so easy to just stop. just fucking end my life because i have such a huge mountain to climb before i can feel complete. my biggest fear isn't being successful. it's accomplishing all of my goals and then realizing i'm still not happy.

lately i feel so down, because i'm so fucking angry. i'm angry about my childhood, my shitty parents, my selfish asshole siblings, my dick head ex-friends, my husband for letting me down and just being so slow to fucking get it together, and myself for letting bullshit with all of them hold me back because i was so much more invested in them than myself.

i haven't even really wanted to try except for the hope that by continuing to it will get better. my heart isn't even into it. i just think about all of it as another job, but none of it really makes me feel anything good. just another load to carry.

the only reason i try with friendship is so i won't be completely alone because it's not normal to be that way. also, it doesn't take me very long to become totally shut off and isolated. i only try at my actual job because i need the money and it's honestly the best i can do for myself because of being a jackass when i was younger. i know i'm lucky to have it, but it's a lot of responsibility. i refuse to just give up because it's not who i am.

i only try in my marriage for the sake of his feelings, because i know i would feel worse than i already do if i hurt him. i believe he truly loves me, but i don't honestly believe he will ever live up to my expectations. i spend a lot of time fearing how it will end, because i just don't see how it would work with him being so stuck in his ways. it's not bad...he just doesn't want the same things as me. i also wish his fucking mother and sister would disappear. i resent them, because i think he uses his mom as an excuse to not leave. when in reality he's too scared to jump into anything unfamiliar. but what can we do? we can't really leave and there's so much to take care of. also, she's always pressuring me to have grand kids. i'm not a god damned baby maker. i don't even want children and have been extremely upfront about that from the beginning. i hate his asshole sister, because i can't have any family close to me at all. she fucked me over, his best friend, and tried to break us up because she wanted him for herself. even though she's a complete bitch towards him. even before i came along.

everyone tries to read into what i do like i can't be serious. i just don't believe in bullshit. i don't believe in pretending to be someone i'm not. i believe the only way to have anything real is to be completely honest. everyone only feels good about themselves when they are pretending to be someone they are not. i can't fake it, so i'm sorry if everyone thinks i'm full of shit. i'm not changing to satisfy a bunch of children anyways because they are intimidated by me. everyone really can fuck off, because there isn't anyone i respect or care enough about their opinion to live any differently. i'm not a selfish prick because finally at 25 i don't want to be responsible for anyone else, but myself. i raised my fucking siblings, tried to help and do everything for my parents because i them being a shitty mess, tried to help my exes by supporting them and being ''everything'' they needed or wanted, and i've taken care of almost all of my ex-friends...even as far as living with them, paying bills, and buying them medicine and groceries. free hook-ups all the fucking time and dropping everything to jump in and save the fucking day at all hours of the day because i belive in being selfless. all i ask for is respect and maybe a little bit of fucking gratitude every once in awhile. but i'm a prick or a crazy bitch.

i feel isolated and i think it has a lot to do with my bpd, but i don't realize it. i think it controls a lot more of my life than i'm aware of. it scares the fuck out of me. that i may be making it impossible for anyone to actually know me, but i don't see the point. all relationships i think are temporary. i don't think anything is really meant to last. not in a pessimistic way, but because people don't really know how to work with each other. it's just easier to disagree and give up. i think you can make the most of it when you're in it, but once it's over it really is just better to let it go and move on. i feel like i need help, but i don't know where to go, what to do, or who to talk to. i'm just fed up. all i can do is keep working and try not to fall a part in the process. i just can't give up.


sorry for being such a pessimistic person, but it's just so hard to not be even when i'm trying.

http://www.warbyparker.com/

so i'm in love with this website. i see specs in my future. sorry, i've been super busy, but i'll have something epic and fun soon.

p.s. guys, i get it. this is suicide girls && there's a lot of well, nekkid ladies. but that's what everyone comes here for. to see the ladies, not your dicks. i can appreciate a nice healthy specimen, but when you have multiple pictures of your cock...it sorta just creeps me out. just sayin'. i feel betterz

okay, okay, okay!! not because of me having to directly deal with any ugliness, but just randomly going through pages of people in mutual groups have i recently discovered this. what is the fucking deal with rude-ass super cunts?!! i mean, wtf? fuck elitist dicks. i mean, i get it. there are some super freaks and creeps on here. some people do cross the line and some just really are scary, but if i go to your profile b/c i see we share mutual interests and your quote is some shit like "don't even think of friending me", then you are an ass.

i know a lot of gals get harassed and sometimes propositioned. believe me, you don't owe anyone anything and you have the right to accept whatever friend requests you deem fit, but don't make a fool of yourself. simply state that if you want to friend me send a message. something more lady like would do just fine and get your message across. hell, i even appreciate people who have their friend buttons disabled. it says, ''yeah, i'm here, but not to find buddies, but do my own thing.'' don'
t be a rude asshole. there is no need for the shit, seriously! *gah* >breathe< i feel better now. on another note...

been missing mangas lately, so i'm reading two sort of immature, but good ones.

beast master is of the Shōjo genre:


&&

wolf guy is of the Seinen genre:



yeah, i'm SUPER cool.