"Revolution begins in the Bathroom Mirror"
For all the partying and socializing and love from my friends I have been experiancing and recieving of late there is a part of me that is feeling woefully unfulfilled, I have been trying not to think about what I am missing that is causing me a slight empty sensation (with little success), that nagging doubt. Is it something spiritual? Is it something romantic? Is it a relationship thing? Is it a career thing? Is it a creative thing?
Its probably a little of all those things actually, some more than others, but they all contribute to the unrest I feel between the fleeting glorious happy fellowship filled moments with my compadres that have been my weekends of late.
This concerns me because I dont want to go throught the motions for the most part of my week to get to a time when I can be fleetingly happy but with only a little feeling of satisfaction, that will not do! I dont want to live for the weekend, I want to live for everyday!
I am very aware of my long standing belief that we only get one life and we should really make the most of it (Carpe diem and all that) but I am starting to become aware that I may not be living life to its full or that something is lacking from my attempts to do so. The reality of this is that I feel if I delve into this I am going to open a can of worms, a big, deep, can of worms, and the only way to get past that will be to dig deep and deal with it. It would be so much easier right now to just stick my fingers in my ears and attempt to hum ignorantly rather than face my reality because I know it will probably lead to me making decisions that may disconnect me from the things that have stabilised me and made me feel secure when I have needed it in the past month or so....
The thing is, the best thing to do is to probably find a balance in my life, a middle way so to speak, this is so hard for me to do because for some reason in my life I have always dealt in absolutes, no half measures, nothing casual, no shades of grey. I am aware this at times can really make me seem up tight and unable to relax, I will consequently over think things and instead of going with the flow I will stick my finger in the dam, not healthy and ultimately that is un-natural.
I am little tightly wound of late, like a coiled up snake, I need to try and find a way to straigten out, I have ideas and I am sure I will soon put plans into motion that will help me chillout a bit, the funny thing is that back in January i was owning it, I was strong and independent and in control, totally mastered myself, but one of my best friends said I was really hard to talk to back then, I was too confident and it made him feel a little uncomfortable, is that strange?
In case you didnt know (back in January) I had started training and working out with a new regime and vigour (post xmas and new years alcohol fuelled blowout), I was loving being single and was happy not to be in a relationship, I was attempting and winning at 30 days of complete celibacy, my band at the time was entering a exciting new phase, and I had started a new job with a good salary and prospects. Its safe to say I was out of my comfort zone but the benefits I was reaping were so plentiful it was a very worthwhile time. So what happened?
Around the end of January I entered into a relationship, a very intense one at that, and suddenly my focused changed, which I am sure is natural but I think it had swung too hard from a selfish to a ultimately chivalrous and altruistic place, this ultimately would be destructive to myself and to the relationship itself also. I went from being totally uncompromising and self-serving to compromising my entire life and everything I built to try and make someone else happy and to serve our collective coupling. OOPS!
I was supposed to be moving away and starting again with this person and so I started to break all the ties and things that realy defined my life and part of who I am, I was giving up my job, my band was splitting up, i was distancing myself from my friends, all these things were getting chipped away and so I started to lose my sense of who I was and consequently that would lead to my being far less independent and incredibly insecure and vunerable. The sort of pressure this situation would cause and my reaction to it would lead to a inevitable parting from that person, and that was painful for me.
In the aftermath of this I have been on damage limitation and trying to grab as many pieces of my life as possible and rebuild, and you know what? Its going pretty fucking good! After a couple of weeks of hurting post-breakup I was well on my way, work revoked my resignation so I had a job, plans were a foot for a excellent new band which could turn out to be my dream project, socially I reconnected with my friends as they rallied round me and helped me get on my feet again and had some epic fun in the process, plus I was still working out and keeping in shape. All positive things along with the fact I will be moving into a new place locally with a good friend of mine.
Trouble is everything is feeling like its on a plateau at the moment now, waiting for things to happen and trying stop myself getting in some sort of bad routine or rutt, I know my current home situation really does not help things sometimes and leads to me not being able to chillout as much as I would like leaving me up tight and frustrated.
I think alot of stuff will be easier when I move into my new place, I can get in my own rhythm and routine instead of being at the mercy of the energies and noise volumes of 6 other flatmates in my current living arrangement. I see no point in adjusting my routine too heavily or trying to ring in too many new changes until I am out of here.
At the beginning of July when I move in to the new place it will be a time for change, reflection, analysis and building a routine that will ultimatly strenghten me as a person (physically, spirtually, psycogically, socially), I want to hit the next level but I feel I really cant do it here and now, and consequently the frustration I am feeling right now is a very destructive emotion to be at the mercy of..... I am tired of waiting to kickstart this thing, I know its not very long now but I am not known for infinite patience.
So the bottom line is, and to cut a long story short, and to clarify what the fuck I am going on about :
I am hovering around the precipice of contentment in my life but I want more, I want to be truly happy with my life and the direction it is taking and myself in it. I want to push myself further physically and challenege myself more and strive to achieve new goals, I want to do the same thing spiritually, I need to learn how to relax better and I do believe 80% of that will be down to my living conditions, creativly I want to tap into my muse again and start creating with the prolific energy that graced me last year (this time with my new band), I need to think about what I want to do about a career because as much as I enjoy my current job I do not want to be there forever.
So its safe to say I have took a real long hard look at myself (and I will continue to do so), the focus is starting to shift on me again and I feel hungry, Im ready for the next phase and I know what I have to do to push forward. And try to find a balance.
For all the partying and socializing and love from my friends I have been experiancing and recieving of late there is a part of me that is feeling woefully unfulfilled, I have been trying not to think about what I am missing that is causing me a slight empty sensation (with little success), that nagging doubt. Is it something spiritual? Is it something romantic? Is it a relationship thing? Is it a career thing? Is it a creative thing?
Its probably a little of all those things actually, some more than others, but they all contribute to the unrest I feel between the fleeting glorious happy fellowship filled moments with my compadres that have been my weekends of late.
This concerns me because I dont want to go throught the motions for the most part of my week to get to a time when I can be fleetingly happy but with only a little feeling of satisfaction, that will not do! I dont want to live for the weekend, I want to live for everyday!
I am very aware of my long standing belief that we only get one life and we should really make the most of it (Carpe diem and all that) but I am starting to become aware that I may not be living life to its full or that something is lacking from my attempts to do so. The reality of this is that I feel if I delve into this I am going to open a can of worms, a big, deep, can of worms, and the only way to get past that will be to dig deep and deal with it. It would be so much easier right now to just stick my fingers in my ears and attempt to hum ignorantly rather than face my reality because I know it will probably lead to me making decisions that may disconnect me from the things that have stabilised me and made me feel secure when I have needed it in the past month or so....
The thing is, the best thing to do is to probably find a balance in my life, a middle way so to speak, this is so hard for me to do because for some reason in my life I have always dealt in absolutes, no half measures, nothing casual, no shades of grey. I am aware this at times can really make me seem up tight and unable to relax, I will consequently over think things and instead of going with the flow I will stick my finger in the dam, not healthy and ultimately that is un-natural.
I am little tightly wound of late, like a coiled up snake, I need to try and find a way to straigten out, I have ideas and I am sure I will soon put plans into motion that will help me chillout a bit, the funny thing is that back in January i was owning it, I was strong and independent and in control, totally mastered myself, but one of my best friends said I was really hard to talk to back then, I was too confident and it made him feel a little uncomfortable, is that strange?
In case you didnt know (back in January) I had started training and working out with a new regime and vigour (post xmas and new years alcohol fuelled blowout), I was loving being single and was happy not to be in a relationship, I was attempting and winning at 30 days of complete celibacy, my band at the time was entering a exciting new phase, and I had started a new job with a good salary and prospects. Its safe to say I was out of my comfort zone but the benefits I was reaping were so plentiful it was a very worthwhile time. So what happened?
Around the end of January I entered into a relationship, a very intense one at that, and suddenly my focused changed, which I am sure is natural but I think it had swung too hard from a selfish to a ultimately chivalrous and altruistic place, this ultimately would be destructive to myself and to the relationship itself also. I went from being totally uncompromising and self-serving to compromising my entire life and everything I built to try and make someone else happy and to serve our collective coupling. OOPS!
I was supposed to be moving away and starting again with this person and so I started to break all the ties and things that realy defined my life and part of who I am, I was giving up my job, my band was splitting up, i was distancing myself from my friends, all these things were getting chipped away and so I started to lose my sense of who I was and consequently that would lead to my being far less independent and incredibly insecure and vunerable. The sort of pressure this situation would cause and my reaction to it would lead to a inevitable parting from that person, and that was painful for me.
In the aftermath of this I have been on damage limitation and trying to grab as many pieces of my life as possible and rebuild, and you know what? Its going pretty fucking good! After a couple of weeks of hurting post-breakup I was well on my way, work revoked my resignation so I had a job, plans were a foot for a excellent new band which could turn out to be my dream project, socially I reconnected with my friends as they rallied round me and helped me get on my feet again and had some epic fun in the process, plus I was still working out and keeping in shape. All positive things along with the fact I will be moving into a new place locally with a good friend of mine.
Trouble is everything is feeling like its on a plateau at the moment now, waiting for things to happen and trying stop myself getting in some sort of bad routine or rutt, I know my current home situation really does not help things sometimes and leads to me not being able to chillout as much as I would like leaving me up tight and frustrated.
I think alot of stuff will be easier when I move into my new place, I can get in my own rhythm and routine instead of being at the mercy of the energies and noise volumes of 6 other flatmates in my current living arrangement. I see no point in adjusting my routine too heavily or trying to ring in too many new changes until I am out of here.
At the beginning of July when I move in to the new place it will be a time for change, reflection, analysis and building a routine that will ultimatly strenghten me as a person (physically, spirtually, psycogically, socially), I want to hit the next level but I feel I really cant do it here and now, and consequently the frustration I am feeling right now is a very destructive emotion to be at the mercy of..... I am tired of waiting to kickstart this thing, I know its not very long now but I am not known for infinite patience.
So the bottom line is, and to cut a long story short, and to clarify what the fuck I am going on about :
I am hovering around the precipice of contentment in my life but I want more, I want to be truly happy with my life and the direction it is taking and myself in it. I want to push myself further physically and challenege myself more and strive to achieve new goals, I want to do the same thing spiritually, I need to learn how to relax better and I do believe 80% of that will be down to my living conditions, creativly I want to tap into my muse again and start creating with the prolific energy that graced me last year (this time with my new band), I need to think about what I want to do about a career because as much as I enjoy my current job I do not want to be there forever.
So its safe to say I have took a real long hard look at myself (and I will continue to do so), the focus is starting to shift on me again and I feel hungry, Im ready for the next phase and I know what I have to do to push forward. And try to find a balance.