work sucks

Big changes are in store for your friendly neighborhood freezer monkey. I'm quitting at Fareway Thursday and going to be moving out to the northern suburbs of Seattle at the end of August. I'm going to give poker as a job a shot, mainly because I don't think I can find a part time job that pays over $20 an hour, as well as the flexibility of being able to work around school and Sarah's schedule. Scary but exciting at the same time. It'll be awesome to finally be with Sarah full time, but its going to be hard being so far away from my family and familiar surroundings. I know I'm doing the right thing, but that doesn't mean there's no fear of failing, epicly failing all over again.

I've been in a rather strange mental state lately, like everything is just kinda duller and blander and more blah than usual. I'm looking forward to seeing Sarah again at the end of the month, but something has felt off there lately. Neither one of us has said anything but it just doesn't quite feel the same as before, like the air is going out of it but neither one of us wants it to. I dunno. Why do women find me more attractive on those rare occasions when I'm already with someone else? Poker is my refuge lately, though sometimes its still frustrating. Can I step things up to the next level? Or am I just an above average home game player, good enough to win donking around Boone or Ames , but without the talent or drive to step up into big or even medium games. I need a new job. My back is still hurt from before Christmas.The pain's not so bad I can't work with it, so I just keep going. I'm worried though, that it might cause permanent problems, that this might just be how it always is from now on. I need someone I can talk to about all the things running through my head, but there just isn't anybody. I can talk to Sarah about most things, but there's some I either can't or don't want to, and I can't just unload these kinds of things on any of my other friends.

In addition, I think i hate myspace, but maybe there's just too many people I used to know. Every once in awhile i just have to spend a late night after work when I'm already down running names and seeing how much more successful everybody else is. I need a break from being me.
The smoking popes, on the other hand , are awesome.

its been awhile

hurt my back at work,
sent back to regular duty by doctor dickhead,
then hurt my back bad enough i had to be put on light duty
one day to switch from working at 4pm to working at 7am
physical therapy was ...interesting......
electro stim on my back was....peculiar
sorta a pushing then pulling on the back, and as it went on my shoulder started to twitch pretty hard so i had to give up on reading the paper
hopefully i can sleep better tonight than last night

finally got a straightweek job
hi freeze monday through friday
BUT
I got screwed into another week of roving before i get to start it
4 days of ice cream getting used and abused

such is life

sarah and seattle were wonderful
back to the monotony of the dirt coast now
but still, things seem brighter than they were

last night in seattle
not sure where things are going to stand when i leave tommorrow
this week was amazing, but now that the end is closing in i'm kinda sad

in seattle
its awesome, despite my laptop screen having gotten pretty severely fucked up by the airline

10 days
things will change in 10 days,
fo good or bad i'm not sure
i just know that after this trip things won't be the same

frustration, endless frustration
fighting an owi,
keep getting shitty crew in my section at work
all i do is sit at home all day until i get a ride to work
9 hours of freezer time later i come home, so far i've been lucky and been able to get a ride every night, but i figure a long hike is in my future at some point
sometimes it all just kinda boils down to rage
some minor thing pushes me too far and i just want to smash everything
break something to fix myself
but i don't
i go back to doing whatever menial task i was doing before
throw boxes
now throw boxes faster
go help some other section throw more boxes
go home
be alone
if i'm lucky talk to some girl 1800 miles away who gives me delusions it won't always be like this
but all i ever get of what i want is a taste
a month with a new car
a couple weeks or days with a cute girl
some minor success
then crash
dump
fail
bent not broken
if i'd just break i'd have to fix something
instead of limping on