Life has its ups and downs....

School and work are no exceptions....

The relationship...well it's still hangin in there.



I made it in the Phoenix New Times at the convention in Mesa.



Everyone likes this drawing for some reason...



This piece is making it into the student show at school.

And so is this one even though its not done...I got a couple months to finish it though.

New Year. New Things. New Happenings. Same Old Shit.

I'm kind of hoping that this year is a good year. That after the last 10 years or so of complete and utter bullshit that I can finally shake it off and get a good foot hold on moving forward.

Plans for the work to attain said goal are as follows.

1. Fix relationship. It's hard to when you, yourself have done a lot of the damage. But where others would falter and walk away, I will not. It's not in my vocabulary to quit on anything other than shitty jobs and playing football. I love my fiancee more than anything, I want it to work more than anything and I will do anything to make it work. Therapy, is my answer on this. I can't say that it will work but I can say that I will do everything in my power to make it work.

2. Out with the old in with the new. No more shitty tattoos. Chest is almost covered up now. Next up right lower leg. I'm just going to have someone blast over it with all black shit. Mainly wolves and crows. Then I no longer have shittyness attached to my body.

3. Complete my start up on my company that I've been working on for over a year.

4. Stay in school full time. No need to back track just keep moving.

5. Lose 35 lbs. Easier said then done. Probably gonna have to give up shit I don't want to give up but I need to hit at least 170 lbs this year. Don't know how attainable that will or healthy at this point but the point is I need to take care of myself.

6. Keeping on the fixing shit or finishing shit points, Fix my credit. Again gonna have to give shit up for this.

7. Get Mazda to Arizona and fix her.

8. Re-Enlist National Guard. If this doesn't work I will concede that maybe this just wasn't my place. But I will do everything in my power to finish my goal of serving my country by any means necessary.

9. Work on getting a gallery show up and running this year. I have always wanted to do this. Have had so many ideas for this I can't count them. Time to make it happen.

10. Read more books.

The nuances and memories. The new and the old.
When nothing else matters, where do you go?

My aggressive and abrasive nature is not appreciated by most people. It came to a head again. I didn't fight anyone but My boss is transferring me out of the store. Sucks the one dude I got along with was an ex-Naval Special Warfare dude. We got along perfectly. I was a little more vocal with my distaste for my managers disrespect, lack of responsibility, immaturity and total lack of integrity despite having the word tattooed across his chest. So, I'm getting the transfer and short end of the stick.

School is fun for the most part. I have my good days and bad days drawing and getting things done but it's working for me this time. It's a means to an end. I want to finish and I want to prove to my family that I'm worth more than I've been putting out in the last 10 years.

Not Sober. But not drunk. Moments of clarity are nice. Being buzzed helps me not kill people or stress out. But I don't let it get past that. No puking, falling over drunk fuck anymore. Letting go of vices, maybe just maybe I'm growing up.

So there it is,

laters,
fuck

use instagram? find me: efyouceekay

eh...back.

this site has been my little sanctuary for 8 years. good or bad i always end up back. met some of the best friends i have from this site. so i come and go miss it and come back. whateves.

back in school again. have two drawing classes. its fun but i lost a lot of my ability not doing with it for so long. ten years at least. have a math class. hate that shit. fuck fractions and ratios who uses that shit?

living in the desert. its different. sun everyday. palm trees. its still hot as fuck till the sun goes down and its almost november. i miss cold rainy days. i miss detroit with all of its flaws. i would rather hear arabic than spanish. fuck it though. i aint headed home anytime soon. cept maybe xmas. who knows. it is what it is.

i am writing this from my phone on the toilet. my stomach is kinda fucked. probably shouldnt have eaten at hooters but i wanted food and to watch the tigers game. live and learn i guess.

i have two drawings to do tonight. one is about finished. still gotta start the other. the cat is sneaking up on me at the moment its funny. i wish it was my pit bull. the monster is a way better animal than all other animals.

well besides slanging phones for tmobile everything is the same as it was. still with the girl. sometimes i am not sure i deserve her and i am not sure its going to last but hopefully things will work themselves out. we work on it. just wish things would get better faster.

anyway thats about it.

There are intrinsic qualities that great men and women have. These are qualities I think we all share yet most of us fail to realize in ourselves. Among these qualities are patience and determination. These are in fact key to success. Patience comes in to play when things start slowly or you experience set backs, which also requires determination. Without these to qualities, we would quit everything and experience very little success in our lives. But there is yet again something else that sets those men and woman who are in spots of success at higher levels than those that operate at normal day to day jobs and ability. Motivation and Drive, maybe that's the key. In a lot of cases, most these people have experienced something that most normal people haven't or maybe they just experienced it in a different way. The interpretation of the events lead them to continue to push past the setbacks and failures. This is not an easy task to do. To interpret an event in such a way that you use it as fuel for the fire in game of success.

"Save me from Ordinary. Save me from myself." A quote I use here. You can see it next my name here. I have all the tools here and ready for myself to use. Yet, I spin out of control. I experience constant set backs. The kind that demotivate and crush people. I don't give up though, like something deep inside me pushes and pushes to keep going and keep pushing, finding another way to reach beyond what I have here. It's not easy to stay positive. I battle that everyday and yet find a way to remain positive. I guess that's step one. Getting back to the quote though, I look at it and then at my life. My life has been anything but ordinary but at the same time I live below average and do below average things. This is not something I want. At 30 yrs old, I wish I would have played things by the book when I was younger. I had all the opportunities to succeed and do better than this. But I can't live in the past. I have to deal with the right now and right now the task at hand is very daunting. Especially at the current time. But I want more for myself. I just wonder how possible it is to turn things around at this point. I've been very good at self destructing and giving up but very poor at salvaging things and pushing through.

I guess we will see how it continues to go.I have things lined up and I want nothing more than to succeed.

Update:
the Wolf and the Crow: I have all social media outlets covered. I wrote a business model and may have an investor.

Job: Fell through. Still looking for work.

Army: Re-enlistment may take 2 years now. Also, was told I will have to go Special Forces because of my original M.O.S. weirds me out a little. It's a lot of work and also something doesn't seem right about that. My only thought is that with cutbacks and the Army being full up that they need to fill Special Forces or try and divert people away. I mean it's honor to have that opportunity but if you aren't a little taken back by the thought of it and questioning whether you can do it then you might be a little fucked or naive. Selection is no joke and neither is the 2 years worth of training,

Really need to stay motivated. So much going on but at the same time I am somewhat missing home not dramatically but home is home and sometimes you just want to have the same comforts you are used to. However, the good here out weighs the bad. The recruiter I am working with here seems dedicated to helping me out and at same time looking out for my best interests health wise not wanting me to go balls out but easy back in to a work out routine. Showing him dedication works out for me too. I have a ruck and my old uniforms and boots also own a lot of good running shoes and know all the things it's going to take to get my strength back and better than before. On the art side, I've been drawing but lose focus also the same happens with the design stuff. My friend who is coding the website wants me to look into using wordpress which I'm not really down with. I don't want to go cheap and easy just because i'm small and new. I want this to be all me and my own work not some pre fabbed generic site. I know it's gonna be more work that way but fuck it it's my shit. I guess I will have to give it some time and get more stuff ready for it taking a little longer than I want. Gonna have to have some shirts made I'm thinking 3-4 t-shirts to start 2 hoodies and I can get misc. buttons and stickers made as well. I'm thinking of having other people help get custom stuff made like one off pieces of art and what not as well. Focus and dedication right now are what I need. That's absolutely my short coming at the moment.

New Year is going good and starting off strong.

List of things moving forward:

1.I moved to Arizona from Detroit.
2.I started my own design and t-shirt company. Website is being coded as we speak.

3. I started the re-enlistment process. Medical Discharge might screw me but I'm confident that either way this will be a good decision.
4. I should have a job in heating and cooling here soon.
5. I started working out again and I'm so sore.
6. Be more open.

Been home almost 4 months. decided it's time to get the fuck out.

moving to Phoenix.

Plan:

Get Better. Physically and Mentally.
Get Stronger, Faster.
Go Back to the Army.

Workouts will equal 1 hour cardio, 30-45 minutes strength training.
Runs 3 times a week.
Solo Ruck marches with weight. Starting progressively from 4 miles at 45 lbs to 15 miles at full gear weight(100lbs) or more.

Arizona will provide mountains...necessary for a grunt. I'll get to start over. Wipe my shit clean. New Life. Leave the history here.

I love my city. Detroit. But it was killing me before I left and is continuing to be poisonous to me even now.

I love my friends and family. But they will just have to understand. I am doing what's best for me.

I keep thinking what the fuck am I doing here? why do i exist? who am I? why did i join the army? why do i want to go back?


here is what i've got so far...

I'm wasting my life here. Drinking and working a dead end job.

I exist because my parents fucked and I was spawned here after. No thought was given to my existence and sometimes I wonder if my my dad ever really gave a fuck. Mom I hope you don't get too pissed at me for this life, I know I've fucked up hard over and over. I know you watch me here and there I can feel it even 25 years after your death.

I have no idea who the fuck I am anymore. I used to think I was an artist but I failed at art school. I used to think I was a Detroit Hardcore Kid but I fell out of the scene when I couldn't tolerate the newbs who started coming up into the scene. I used to think I served a purpose but now I realize I know absolutely nothing about life and it's function. Who am I? A survivor. That's it right now...nothing more. nothing less. I want more. Fuck less.

I joined the Army to find myself again, to clean myself up, to go to school. To gain clout. Real clout. I wanted to serve my country. I wanted the brotherhood of the Infantry. I wanted to prove to others I was better than I was. I wanted a life again. No matter the cost. I wanted something to be proud of.

I want to go back to the Army because I feel like I didn't get a fair shake. I feel like getting hurt fucked everything up. I still feel like I can do it. I just need the help of the VA and I'm good. I don't have anything to prove to anyone but myself now. everything and everyone else can eat a dick. I won't give up because you say there other ways, i'm too old, the army won't take me back(i have an honorable discharge), i can quote "milk the system", etc. It would be super easy for me to give up right now, take what I've been given and move on. I don't want easy. I don't want to move on. I want to serve a full contract. I want to prove to myself I am in fact better than this. I don't need your respect. I need my own. I want to look at myself in the mirror at night and in the morning and know without a shadow of a doubt that I am better than what I've been putting out there in recent years. I want to look at myself and say "I never gave up. I never gave in. I never accepted defeat. I never accepted less." People in general are quick to accept what they've been given and eat it up like it's the best thing ever. I will not do that. I will fight to the bitter end to achieve my goals. This is just the start.


Phoenix see ya in a week and a half.