There are intrinsic qualities that great men and women have. These are qualities I think we all share yet most of us fail to realize in ourselves. Among these qualities are patience and determination. These are in fact key to success. Patience comes in to play when things start slowly or you experience set backs, which also requires determination. Without these to qualities, we would quit everything and experience very little success in our lives. But there is yet again something else that sets those men and woman who are in spots of success at higher levels than those that operate at normal day to day jobs and ability. Motivation and Drive, maybe that's the key. In a lot of cases, most these people have experienced something that most normal people haven't or maybe they just experienced it in a different way. The interpretation of the events lead them to continue to push past the setbacks and failures. This is not an easy task to do. To interpret an event in such a way that you use it as fuel for the fire in game of success.
"Save me from Ordinary. Save me from myself." A quote I use here. You can see it next my name here. I have all the tools here and ready for myself to use. Yet, I spin out of control. I experience constant set backs. The kind that demotivate and crush people. I don't give up though, like something deep inside me pushes and pushes to keep going and keep pushing, finding another way to reach beyond what I have here. It's not easy to stay positive. I battle that everyday and yet find a way to remain positive. I guess that's step one. Getting back to the quote though, I look at it and then at my life. My life has been anything but ordinary but at the same time I live below average and do below average things. This is not something I want. At 30 yrs old, I wish I would have played things by the book when I was younger. I had all the opportunities to succeed and do better than this. But I can't live in the past. I have to deal with the right now and right now the task at hand is very daunting. Especially at the current time. But I want more for myself. I just wonder how possible it is to turn things around at this point. I've been very good at self destructing and giving up but very poor at salvaging things and pushing through.
I guess we will see how it continues to go.I have things lined up and I want nothing more than to succeed.
"Save me from Ordinary. Save me from myself." A quote I use here. You can see it next my name here. I have all the tools here and ready for myself to use. Yet, I spin out of control. I experience constant set backs. The kind that demotivate and crush people. I don't give up though, like something deep inside me pushes and pushes to keep going and keep pushing, finding another way to reach beyond what I have here. It's not easy to stay positive. I battle that everyday and yet find a way to remain positive. I guess that's step one. Getting back to the quote though, I look at it and then at my life. My life has been anything but ordinary but at the same time I live below average and do below average things. This is not something I want. At 30 yrs old, I wish I would have played things by the book when I was younger. I had all the opportunities to succeed and do better than this. But I can't live in the past. I have to deal with the right now and right now the task at hand is very daunting. Especially at the current time. But I want more for myself. I just wonder how possible it is to turn things around at this point. I've been very good at self destructing and giving up but very poor at salvaging things and pushing through.
I guess we will see how it continues to go.I have things lined up and I want nothing more than to succeed.
Update:
the Wolf and the Crow: I have all social media outlets covered. I wrote a business model and may have an investor.
Job: Fell through. Still looking for work.
Army: Re-enlistment may take 2 years now. Also, was told I will have to go Special Forces because of my original M.O.S. weirds me out a little. It's a lot of work and also something doesn't seem right about that. My only thought is that with cutbacks and the Army being full up that they need to fill Special Forces or try and divert people away. I mean it's honor to have that opportunity but if you aren't a little taken back by the thought of it and questioning whether you can do it then you might be a little fucked or naive. Selection is no joke and neither is the 2 years worth of training,
the Wolf and the Crow: I have all social media outlets covered. I wrote a business model and may have an investor.
Job: Fell through. Still looking for work.
Army: Re-enlistment may take 2 years now. Also, was told I will have to go Special Forces because of my original M.O.S. weirds me out a little. It's a lot of work and also something doesn't seem right about that. My only thought is that with cutbacks and the Army being full up that they need to fill Special Forces or try and divert people away. I mean it's honor to have that opportunity but if you aren't a little taken back by the thought of it and questioning whether you can do it then you might be a little fucked or naive. Selection is no joke and neither is the 2 years worth of training,
Really need to stay motivated. So much going on but at the same time I am somewhat missing home not dramatically but home is home and sometimes you just want to have the same comforts you are used to. However, the good here out weighs the bad. The recruiter I am working with here seems dedicated to helping me out and at same time looking out for my best interests health wise not wanting me to go balls out but easy back in to a work out routine. Showing him dedication works out for me too. I have a ruck and my old uniforms and boots also own a lot of good running shoes and know all the things it's going to take to get my strength back and better than before. On the art side, I've been drawing but lose focus also the same happens with the design stuff. My friend who is coding the website wants me to look into using wordpress which I'm not really down with. I don't want to go cheap and easy just because i'm small and new. I want this to be all me and my own work not some pre fabbed generic site. I know it's gonna be more work that way but fuck it it's my shit. I guess I will have to give it some time and get more stuff ready for it taking a little longer than I want. Gonna have to have some shirts made I'm thinking 3-4 t-shirts to start 2 hoodies and I can get misc. buttons and stickers made as well. I'm thinking of having other people help get custom stuff made like one off pieces of art and what not as well. Focus and dedication right now are what I need. That's absolutely my short coming at the moment.
New Year is going good and starting off strong.
List of things moving forward:
1.I moved to Arizona from Detroit.
2.I started my own design and t-shirt company. Website is being coded as we speak.
3. I started the re-enlistment process. Medical Discharge might screw me but I'm confident that either way this will be a good decision.
4. I should have a job in heating and cooling here soon.
5. I started working out again and I'm so sore.
6. Be more open.
List of things moving forward:
1.I moved to Arizona from Detroit.
2.I started my own design and t-shirt company. Website is being coded as we speak.
3. I started the re-enlistment process. Medical Discharge might screw me but I'm confident that either way this will be a good decision.
4. I should have a job in heating and cooling here soon.
5. I started working out again and I'm so sore.
6. Be more open.
Been home almost 4 months. decided it's time to get the fuck out.
moving to Phoenix.
Plan:
Get Better. Physically and Mentally.
Get Stronger, Faster.
Go Back to the Army.
Workouts will equal 1 hour cardio, 30-45 minutes strength training.
Runs 3 times a week.
Solo Ruck marches with weight. Starting progressively from 4 miles at 45 lbs to 15 miles at full gear weight(100lbs) or more.
Arizona will provide mountains...necessary for a grunt. I'll get to start over. Wipe my shit clean. New Life. Leave the history here.
I love my city. Detroit. But it was killing me before I left and is continuing to be poisonous to me even now.
I love my friends and family. But they will just have to understand. I am doing what's best for me.
I keep thinking what the fuck am I doing here? why do i exist? who am I? why did i join the army? why do i want to go back?
here is what i've got so far...
I'm wasting my life here. Drinking and working a dead end job.
I exist because my parents fucked and I was spawned here after. No thought was given to my existence and sometimes I wonder if my my dad ever really gave a fuck. Mom I hope you don't get too pissed at me for this life, I know I've fucked up hard over and over. I know you watch me here and there I can feel it even 25 years after your death.
I have no idea who the fuck I am anymore. I used to think I was an artist but I failed at art school. I used to think I was a Detroit Hardcore Kid but I fell out of the scene when I couldn't tolerate the newbs who started coming up into the scene. I used to think I served a purpose but now I realize I know absolutely nothing about life and it's function. Who am I? A survivor. That's it right now...nothing more. nothing less. I want more. Fuck less.
I joined the Army to find myself again, to clean myself up, to go to school. To gain clout. Real clout. I wanted to serve my country. I wanted the brotherhood of the Infantry. I wanted to prove to others I was better than I was. I wanted a life again. No matter the cost. I wanted something to be proud of.
I want to go back to the Army because I feel like I didn't get a fair shake. I feel like getting hurt fucked everything up. I still feel like I can do it. I just need the help of the VA and I'm good. I don't have anything to prove to anyone but myself now. everything and everyone else can eat a dick. I won't give up because you say there other ways, i'm too old, the army won't take me back(i have an honorable discharge), i can quote "milk the system", etc. It would be super easy for me to give up right now, take what I've been given and move on. I don't want easy. I don't want to move on. I want to serve a full contract. I want to prove to myself I am in fact better than this. I don't need your respect. I need my own. I want to look at myself in the mirror at night and in the morning and know without a shadow of a doubt that I am better than what I've been putting out there in recent years. I want to look at myself and say "I never gave up. I never gave in. I never accepted defeat. I never accepted less." People in general are quick to accept what they've been given and eat it up like it's the best thing ever. I will not do that. I will fight to the bitter end to achieve my goals. This is just the start.
Phoenix see ya in a week and a half.
moving to Phoenix.
Plan:
Get Better. Physically and Mentally.
Get Stronger, Faster.
Go Back to the Army.
Workouts will equal 1 hour cardio, 30-45 minutes strength training.
Runs 3 times a week.
Solo Ruck marches with weight. Starting progressively from 4 miles at 45 lbs to 15 miles at full gear weight(100lbs) or more.
Arizona will provide mountains...necessary for a grunt. I'll get to start over. Wipe my shit clean. New Life. Leave the history here.
I love my city. Detroit. But it was killing me before I left and is continuing to be poisonous to me even now.
I love my friends and family. But they will just have to understand. I am doing what's best for me.
I keep thinking what the fuck am I doing here? why do i exist? who am I? why did i join the army? why do i want to go back?
here is what i've got so far...
I'm wasting my life here. Drinking and working a dead end job.
I exist because my parents fucked and I was spawned here after. No thought was given to my existence and sometimes I wonder if my my dad ever really gave a fuck. Mom I hope you don't get too pissed at me for this life, I know I've fucked up hard over and over. I know you watch me here and there I can feel it even 25 years after your death.
I have no idea who the fuck I am anymore. I used to think I was an artist but I failed at art school. I used to think I was a Detroit Hardcore Kid but I fell out of the scene when I couldn't tolerate the newbs who started coming up into the scene. I used to think I served a purpose but now I realize I know absolutely nothing about life and it's function. Who am I? A survivor. That's it right now...nothing more. nothing less. I want more. Fuck less.
I joined the Army to find myself again, to clean myself up, to go to school. To gain clout. Real clout. I wanted to serve my country. I wanted the brotherhood of the Infantry. I wanted to prove to others I was better than I was. I wanted a life again. No matter the cost. I wanted something to be proud of.
I want to go back to the Army because I feel like I didn't get a fair shake. I feel like getting hurt fucked everything up. I still feel like I can do it. I just need the help of the VA and I'm good. I don't have anything to prove to anyone but myself now. everything and everyone else can eat a dick. I won't give up because you say there other ways, i'm too old, the army won't take me back(i have an honorable discharge), i can quote "milk the system", etc. It would be super easy for me to give up right now, take what I've been given and move on. I don't want easy. I don't want to move on. I want to serve a full contract. I want to prove to myself I am in fact better than this. I don't need your respect. I need my own. I want to look at myself in the mirror at night and in the morning and know without a shadow of a doubt that I am better than what I've been putting out there in recent years. I want to look at myself and say "I never gave up. I never gave in. I never accepted defeat. I never accepted less." People in general are quick to accept what they've been given and eat it up like it's the best thing ever. I will not do that. I will fight to the bitter end to achieve my goals. This is just the start.
Phoenix see ya in a week and a half.
OK....been a long time. Here goes.
I joined the Army. I shipped out in January and I got injured in training. No biggie. I get fucked in my training company because they didn't give out convalescent leave. Cool, I can hack it. Sure it sucked but that's life. So I go to PTRP (phys therapy) and try to get rehabed. No biggie there either, except after 2 months I'm still having pain standing up and running so the Army decides that I have a choice to make either take a negative chapter or go through the Medical Evaluation Board process. Um, easy choice there. General discharges or uncharacterized discharges aren't my idea of fun so eff that I'll go through the long and arduous M.E.B. process. Did that from May until yesterday and now I'm home. A disabled vet... fuck my life (training company motto I shit you not) I have 9 months of stories from Ft. Benning. I loved every minute of that place even when I was at my worst and wanted to quit I always pushed myself that much harder. I learned a lot there. I got put in a leadership roll at the PTRP company...never would have seen that coming in a million years but I did what was expected of me and the Drill Sergeants respected me for that. Even the C.O. was impressed and told me to my face...which fucking surprised the shit out of me. Did something right in my life for a change. I love the Army. You will never hear me say a bad word about my experiences there except for the fucking quitters and chapters are retards. I loved the training and everything else. It was my dream to be infantry it sucks at the moment that dream is over...but we'll see what happens next.
Interesting fact:
You can fit a bunk mattress in a wall locker. I may or may not have done that to another guy who spread rumors and bs. I may have also made him search the entire bay looking for it.
I joined the Army. I shipped out in January and I got injured in training. No biggie. I get fucked in my training company because they didn't give out convalescent leave. Cool, I can hack it. Sure it sucked but that's life. So I go to PTRP (phys therapy) and try to get rehabed. No biggie there either, except after 2 months I'm still having pain standing up and running so the Army decides that I have a choice to make either take a negative chapter or go through the Medical Evaluation Board process. Um, easy choice there. General discharges or uncharacterized discharges aren't my idea of fun so eff that I'll go through the long and arduous M.E.B. process. Did that from May until yesterday and now I'm home. A disabled vet... fuck my life (training company motto I shit you not) I have 9 months of stories from Ft. Benning. I loved every minute of that place even when I was at my worst and wanted to quit I always pushed myself that much harder. I learned a lot there. I got put in a leadership roll at the PTRP company...never would have seen that coming in a million years but I did what was expected of me and the Drill Sergeants respected me for that. Even the C.O. was impressed and told me to my face...which fucking surprised the shit out of me. Did something right in my life for a change. I love the Army. You will never hear me say a bad word about my experiences there except for the fucking quitters and chapters are retards. I loved the training and everything else. It was my dream to be infantry it sucks at the moment that dream is over...but we'll see what happens next.
Interesting fact:
You can fit a bunk mattress in a wall locker. I may or may not have done that to another guy who spread rumors and bs. I may have also made him search the entire bay looking for it.
digging the toy camera apps on my phone. been a while since i really wanted to use a camera at all. diggin it again.
Had some shit go down. Money is tight until I leave in January. Maybe I'll be back before, if not it'll be April or May before I'm back.
On another note, I'm really starting to find peace within myself, with who I am. It feels good. Some people fight with themselves their entire life trying to find it, I figure going into this I'm just going to embrace the fighter in myself. No need to argue with it. It's long been a part of me and the deeper I push it the harder it is to contain. And the following portion of my life will be in great need of the fight I still feel inside me.
i'm diggin club dance music. for some reason, it keeps me from killing people at work.
