I'm getting damned tired of feeling like I have to walk on egg shells around everyone all the time... if it's not one person, it's another.
I am so ready to just give up. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've been without a job for a couple of years now, living only on a combination of trust fund checks and other peoples' generosity. I hate it beyond anything else. I've been looking for a job, but in a shitty economy, with a felony on your record, you might as well give up, as there's no hope, unless you know somebody, but all my friends either work for militant anti-felony companies, or work at places that require advanced licenses.
Last night, my gf and I broke up. I don't even really know which of us did it, but it was long in coming. I tried so hard to be with her. I really did love her with all my heart, and I know she loved me. You'd think that would be enough, wouldn't it? But no, she couldn't love herself, and so for every positive thing, there were always three negatives.
I'm trying so hard to stay afloat, but with all this going on, it's so hard to keep paddling, and not let your head sink below the water. I hate it, but sometimes I find myself asking why should I even bother? Most frustrating, having seen how my brother's death affected everyone last August, I've made an ironclad resolution that I won't kill myself. I just don't know what else to do anymore.
I hate my life, and there's nothing I can do to change it... and now I've put this in a blog, sounding all pathetic... god, I really do hate myself sometimes.
Why does true happiness feel so impossible? All I ever wanted was to be married, and have a happy family. I'll be 34 this year. Maybe it's just time to give up on that dream.
Last night, my gf and I broke up. I don't even really know which of us did it, but it was long in coming. I tried so hard to be with her. I really did love her with all my heart, and I know she loved me. You'd think that would be enough, wouldn't it? But no, she couldn't love herself, and so for every positive thing, there were always three negatives.
I'm trying so hard to stay afloat, but with all this going on, it's so hard to keep paddling, and not let your head sink below the water. I hate it, but sometimes I find myself asking why should I even bother? Most frustrating, having seen how my brother's death affected everyone last August, I've made an ironclad resolution that I won't kill myself. I just don't know what else to do anymore.
I hate my life, and there's nothing I can do to change it... and now I've put this in a blog, sounding all pathetic... god, I really do hate myself sometimes.
Why does true happiness feel so impossible? All I ever wanted was to be married, and have a happy family. I'll be 34 this year. Maybe it's just time to give up on that dream.
Well, it seems my account's expired, and I can't afford to renew it. It's been a great year, and I'll miss y'all! Thanks for the wonderful comments, beautiful pictures, and great friends! Love you guys, and take care of yourselves!
So... I'm single again. It was me that broke it off though. I still care about her and consider her a great friend, but I don't think we'd have worked long term. There were just a lot of differences, and things she did that rubbed me the wrong way. Oh well... nothing you can do but keep living.
So... it's been just over a month since my older brother passed away. We still haven't been told why, by the medical examiner, which is starting to really upset me. Despite only being 36 years old, he had a slew of health problems, as well as pill addictions. They had him on 10-12 different meds though, so who knows?
Finding him on the floor, and not realizing what had happened for several hours, until I got concerned and called the EMTs, will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. He always had a problem with pills, xanax in particular, so I originally thought he'd just barred himself out and was in a drug induced sleep. It had happened before, so it wasn't anything new. I tried to turn him over onto his back and couldn't get him to move. Originally, I thought it was just him being a large guy, but afterwards I realized it was probably the rigor mortis. As long as I live, I'll never forget being in the living room with the EMTs checking him and one of them saying "Yeah, it's rigor mortis..." That was basically the way I was told he'd passed away.
I still don't know what to say to his kids, even now. I think they were the third people to find out, after I called our younger brother and told him. I think he called our mom first. I'll always appreciate him being the one making the phone calls, as I was in no condition to do so, having instantly broken down when I was told. They're in counseling now, so I hope that goes well for them, as they're still young, the three of them being between 11 and 15.
It's weird though... I had to move out with my gf, as we couldn't afford the bills between the two of us, and we're now living with friends. I think a piece of me will always remain behind in that living room though. I HAD to move out anyway, as I'd never want to continue living in that place. I still think about my brother every day, and I just hope that eventually it gets better. I had a really hard time last night falling asleep.
And yet, life still goes on.
Finding him on the floor, and not realizing what had happened for several hours, until I got concerned and called the EMTs, will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. He always had a problem with pills, xanax in particular, so I originally thought he'd just barred himself out and was in a drug induced sleep. It had happened before, so it wasn't anything new. I tried to turn him over onto his back and couldn't get him to move. Originally, I thought it was just him being a large guy, but afterwards I realized it was probably the rigor mortis. As long as I live, I'll never forget being in the living room with the EMTs checking him and one of them saying "Yeah, it's rigor mortis..." That was basically the way I was told he'd passed away.
I still don't know what to say to his kids, even now. I think they were the third people to find out, after I called our younger brother and told him. I think he called our mom first. I'll always appreciate him being the one making the phone calls, as I was in no condition to do so, having instantly broken down when I was told. They're in counseling now, so I hope that goes well for them, as they're still young, the three of them being between 11 and 15.
It's weird though... I had to move out with my gf, as we couldn't afford the bills between the two of us, and we're now living with friends. I think a piece of me will always remain behind in that living room though. I HAD to move out anyway, as I'd never want to continue living in that place. I still think about my brother every day, and I just hope that eventually it gets better. I had a really hard time last night falling asleep.
And yet, life still goes on.
Been awhile since I posted a new one...
Made a road trip to Kansas recently. Was only supposed to be a quick trip to there and back, but it ended up turning into the road trip from hell, with multiple flat tires, radiator issues, other engine issues, and even dead stopped traffic due to an accident, that lasted 2 hours... But I made it home and all is good now.
I've been good lately. My brother got me a new cat because he felt bad that my kitten died. He's an idiot, but sometimes he really can be a great brother. I just wish he'd stop it with the pills... but anyways... I've been happy, no worries, just getting by in life.
So all in all... All is great in the Land of James.
Made a road trip to Kansas recently. Was only supposed to be a quick trip to there and back, but it ended up turning into the road trip from hell, with multiple flat tires, radiator issues, other engine issues, and even dead stopped traffic due to an accident, that lasted 2 hours... But I made it home and all is good now.
I've been good lately. My brother got me a new cat because he felt bad that my kitten died. He's an idiot, but sometimes he really can be a great brother. I just wish he'd stop it with the pills... but anyways... I've been happy, no worries, just getting by in life.
So all in all... All is great in the Land of James.
I'm trying to be strong, but having my kitten die in my arms last night has really broken my heart. I so rarely open myself up to anyone, but I took a chance and let him in, hoping I could have the kind of relationship with my pet that my brother has had with his cat, who is practically like his child. This was my first pet in 10 years, and I honestly don't know if or when I'll get another one... I just don't want any more heartache.
So I don't know what's up with the recent bunch of redheads on SG, but I heartily approve! My dream is to marry a redhead some day, so perhaps I'm a little biased? 
There is so much I want to do with my life, but it seems like things are never as easy as they seem. You try and try to work against it, but sometimes you need to stop and rethink things. If you're beating your head against a wall, try searching for a door. Life's getting tough on me right now, and my positive attitude drops at times, but I'm trying to stay too stubborn to give up. I can do this, I know I can!
Things to do before I die:
Learn to speak Japanese and refresh my French... it's been so long I've forgotten it all! XD
Travel somewhere exotic and dangerous, like a rainforest
Get married and have kids!
Become completely financially independent
Learn to forgive myself
Get my criminal record sealed
Never go back to jail for any reason
Impress my family
Write a novel
Get back into the music scene
Find the courage to tell her how I feel and hope she can feel the same way, even though I don't feel deserving of her.
LIVE my life, and stop striving to just exist!
Things to do before I die:
Learn to speak Japanese and refresh my French... it's been so long I've forgotten it all! XD
Travel somewhere exotic and dangerous, like a rainforest
Get married and have kids!
Become completely financially independent
Learn to forgive myself
Get my criminal record sealed
Never go back to jail for any reason
Impress my family
Write a novel
Get back into the music scene
Find the courage to tell her how I feel and hope she can feel the same way, even though I don't feel deserving of her.
LIVE my life, and stop striving to just exist!
Is it possible to say something negative about oneself without being accused of feeling sorry for yourself?
I have come to believe that I will never be married or have children. This isn't some overnight sort of thing, either. I'm 32, so truthfully, I'm past my prime. Looking at myself with an honest eye, yes, there are things that I think women would find attractive about me, but I know that there are a lot of unattractive things as well. I don't have a job, I'm overweight, and I have a criminal record for being stupid when I was younger. Oh, and of course, there's my depression. But I just feel like I can't ever express these thoughts into words, because then someone's going to think I'm having a pity party, and then they feel obliged to try and cheer me up.
The truth is, I just have terrible luck with women. Usually, the ones I find are clingy, or they have depression issues of their own, that I want to help with, but eventually, I just can't keep up. Also, I get scared off sometimes by women. It's like, it's so rare to find a woman who pursues me, rather than me pursuing her, that I just don't know how to deal with it, so I end up spazzing out and screwing things up. I mean, like right now, there's a girl on this site that I really like, but I'm so scared of really trying anything because I don't want to seem clingy, or just like a typical fan or whatever. Sure, I thought she was gorgeous before I messaged her, and I really liked a lot of the stuff in her profile, but truthfully, it was while we were talking back and forth that I really started finding myself truly attracted to her. I feel lost now though, and want to proceed, but don't know what to do.
And RL hasn't really been any better. I honestly don't even know any single women, so that's pretty much out. Since I'm not working, it's not like I can meet anyone from work, or go out to meet women... so, unless something truly surprising happens, I'm stuck in this rut, and I don't want to be... but it's a rut I dug.
I have come to believe that I will never be married or have children. This isn't some overnight sort of thing, either. I'm 32, so truthfully, I'm past my prime. Looking at myself with an honest eye, yes, there are things that I think women would find attractive about me, but I know that there are a lot of unattractive things as well. I don't have a job, I'm overweight, and I have a criminal record for being stupid when I was younger. Oh, and of course, there's my depression. But I just feel like I can't ever express these thoughts into words, because then someone's going to think I'm having a pity party, and then they feel obliged to try and cheer me up.
The truth is, I just have terrible luck with women. Usually, the ones I find are clingy, or they have depression issues of their own, that I want to help with, but eventually, I just can't keep up. Also, I get scared off sometimes by women. It's like, it's so rare to find a woman who pursues me, rather than me pursuing her, that I just don't know how to deal with it, so I end up spazzing out and screwing things up. I mean, like right now, there's a girl on this site that I really like, but I'm so scared of really trying anything because I don't want to seem clingy, or just like a typical fan or whatever. Sure, I thought she was gorgeous before I messaged her, and I really liked a lot of the stuff in her profile, but truthfully, it was while we were talking back and forth that I really started finding myself truly attracted to her. I feel lost now though, and want to proceed, but don't know what to do.
And RL hasn't really been any better. I honestly don't even know any single women, so that's pretty much out. Since I'm not working, it's not like I can meet anyone from work, or go out to meet women... so, unless something truly surprising happens, I'm stuck in this rut, and I don't want to be... but it's a rut I dug.
