Today is an anniversary of sorts. Not necessarily a good anniversary, but one that (through the magic of Facebooks birthday reminders) Im compelled to dwell on around this time every year, until I remember to turn the notifications off. Events took place a long time ago, and I should really just let it go, so maybe the exercise of exorcising via these written words will help with that.
Like all stories of my immense stupidity, this is the story of a girl. Ill call her K.
K is one of those girls who has not only a comic-book-hero level of hotness to her physical presence, but she also has a laugh and sparkle to her that melts even the hardest of hearts. She lights up a room with a giggle, and its almost impossible not to be drawn to her. A person with true natural charisma and sweetness.
I met K when I was much younger. She was actually at the time dating one of my friends who was lets say difficult to be with, as we tend to be when we are younger. Because of my friendship with him, she began coming to me for insight as to how to deal with these difficulties. This blossomed into a friendship that lasted beyond their relationship.
Fast forward a couple of years. K and I have become closer, discovering that we have a lot in common and feelings have developed. While nothing has been spoken aloud at this point, we spend most of our time together. Dinners, movie nights, trips to Niagra Falls, even joint gifts at Christmas. Sometimes, she sends me dirty e-mails and IMs, and occasional we have sleepovers. Nothing happens, but the sleepovers occur none the less.
Looking back, this should have been my first clue.
Now, K comes from a very wealthy family. As such, she could afford to just kind of bum around for a while. She worked mall jobs here and there, but for the most part was completely supported by her parents (whom she did nothing but complain about). As such, when she decided that she wanted to go to Europe for a year to study, it wasnt hard for them to make happen. Her parents were just stoked she was doing something.
We had a tearful goodbye, and she promised that she would miss me and write me, and I told her that Id be here when she got back, and it was all wonderfully sappy and nauseating.
So, she went to Europe for the year, and while I waited she fucked everything with an accent, and would occasionally send me thinly-veiled poetry about it.
I was dumb enough to convince myself that when she got back, it would all be OK. Shed have sewn her oats, and shed be ready to be with me. Again, I might have been a little nave and stupid. Just a little. But I was in love. Big-L Love, and would have convinced myself that eating broken glass was a good idea if she served it up to me.
So, when she returned to these shores, things resumed pretty much as they had before she left. She would give me little teases here and there of the flesh, let me in on just enough intimacy to feel like I was special to her, and then hit the brakes. For example, she would invite me to family functions like Easter Dinner. Not because I didnt have a family of my own to do these things with, but because she wanted me there. That makes a person feel pretty special. It made me feel like she cared, and maybe all this was just her way of easing into loving me.
Again, broken glass.
I was becoming frustrated by all of this as you can imagine, and as we tend to do when were younger, I let a friend of mine talk to her on my behalf. I had been chatting with K on ICQ (which tells you how long ago it was), and while I stepped out he offered to talk with her and see if he could glean any info on where she was with things.
Well, he did.
I came home and was immediately brushed off by my friend. He told me to forget about it. The curious part was after he left, the history of the IM had been erased. Knowing a little bit about such things, I was able to retrieve it, and was not ready for what I read.
K and my friend had engaged in a conversation in which she called me stupid and talked about how annoying it was that I was always around. She did this because she had offered herself as a fuck buddy to my friend, who had turned her down because he knew how I felt about her.
I was devastated. Never had I felt so betrayed, so hopeless, stupid and worthless. Now, at this point I should mention I was in the midst of untreated clinical depression, and the beginning stages of rampant alcoholism. So this hit me kind of hard. It was the only time during my battles with the bottle and my brain that I actually stayed in bed for three days. At one point I called a suicide hotline.
To this day, I have no idea who that person was on the other end of the phone, but they saved my life. I cannot thank them enough for being there.
At this point I came to the conclusion that this relationship, whatever it was, was extremely toxic and I had to walk away. Nothing like getting hit in the face with a branch to realize youre in a forest.
So I did. I walked away, and turned my back on K and said Id had enough. I wish I could say that doing that was the end of the story. It wasnt
Every few months, K would resurface. She would talk about wanting things that she clearly didnt, she would talk about missing me and being sorry. Sometimes, I would buy what she was selling, only to have the cycle repeat itself over and over again.
Finally, K decided that she wanted to go live in Australia for a year (again, not a hard thing for her to swing). Under the premise of wanting to clear the air before she left because she missed me so much, I had a conversation with her that should have happened almost four years before.
It was during this conversation that K said the only honest thing shed ever say to me:
I knew you were falling in love with me, and even though I didnt feel the same way I let it happen because it made me feel good about myself.
At that point, anything left inside me that felt good about K died. Hearing her admit to that aloud destroyed anything she could have said or done to make things right. I walked away, she moved, and that was it. She became an un-person to me.
I had let this girl (and I use the term let very specifically, because I could have stopped it had I not been so blinded by how much I loved her) use me, lead me on, and eat away at my heart for almost 5 years. I do not deny my own faults in the situation, but I also could no longer white-wash over hers.
Today is Ks birthday.
As far as I know, she still lives overseas and probably doesnt give me a moments thought. It wasnt until I sobered up and got some treatment for my own issues that I was able to look back and see that time in my life clearly. In the end, I learned a whole hell of a lot from K. I learned how not to be taken advantage of. I learned how to recognize what its like to be led on. And most importantly, I learned that I dont have to give my heart to someone who doesnt deserve it. I learned how to trust without doing it recklessly.
In a way, one might say I should thank her. I wont, but I can say this: K will be with me forever. That little sliver of my heart that reminds me what its like to be taken down as far as a person can go will always have her face attached to it, and thats very important to me. Unless we learn from our mistakes, we will be doomed to repeat them.
At least at this point, Ive got it down to only once a year.
One day, I'll tell you about L and N. Thus completing my trifecta of Evil Somewhat-Ex's.
We see what we want to see.
Like all stories of my immense stupidity, this is the story of a girl. Ill call her K.
K is one of those girls who has not only a comic-book-hero level of hotness to her physical presence, but she also has a laugh and sparkle to her that melts even the hardest of hearts. She lights up a room with a giggle, and its almost impossible not to be drawn to her. A person with true natural charisma and sweetness.
I met K when I was much younger. She was actually at the time dating one of my friends who was lets say difficult to be with, as we tend to be when we are younger. Because of my friendship with him, she began coming to me for insight as to how to deal with these difficulties. This blossomed into a friendship that lasted beyond their relationship.
Fast forward a couple of years. K and I have become closer, discovering that we have a lot in common and feelings have developed. While nothing has been spoken aloud at this point, we spend most of our time together. Dinners, movie nights, trips to Niagra Falls, even joint gifts at Christmas. Sometimes, she sends me dirty e-mails and IMs, and occasional we have sleepovers. Nothing happens, but the sleepovers occur none the less.
Looking back, this should have been my first clue.
Now, K comes from a very wealthy family. As such, she could afford to just kind of bum around for a while. She worked mall jobs here and there, but for the most part was completely supported by her parents (whom she did nothing but complain about). As such, when she decided that she wanted to go to Europe for a year to study, it wasnt hard for them to make happen. Her parents were just stoked she was doing something.
We had a tearful goodbye, and she promised that she would miss me and write me, and I told her that Id be here when she got back, and it was all wonderfully sappy and nauseating.
So, she went to Europe for the year, and while I waited she fucked everything with an accent, and would occasionally send me thinly-veiled poetry about it.
I was dumb enough to convince myself that when she got back, it would all be OK. Shed have sewn her oats, and shed be ready to be with me. Again, I might have been a little nave and stupid. Just a little. But I was in love. Big-L Love, and would have convinced myself that eating broken glass was a good idea if she served it up to me.
So, when she returned to these shores, things resumed pretty much as they had before she left. She would give me little teases here and there of the flesh, let me in on just enough intimacy to feel like I was special to her, and then hit the brakes. For example, she would invite me to family functions like Easter Dinner. Not because I didnt have a family of my own to do these things with, but because she wanted me there. That makes a person feel pretty special. It made me feel like she cared, and maybe all this was just her way of easing into loving me.
Again, broken glass.
I was becoming frustrated by all of this as you can imagine, and as we tend to do when were younger, I let a friend of mine talk to her on my behalf. I had been chatting with K on ICQ (which tells you how long ago it was), and while I stepped out he offered to talk with her and see if he could glean any info on where she was with things.
Well, he did.
I came home and was immediately brushed off by my friend. He told me to forget about it. The curious part was after he left, the history of the IM had been erased. Knowing a little bit about such things, I was able to retrieve it, and was not ready for what I read.
K and my friend had engaged in a conversation in which she called me stupid and talked about how annoying it was that I was always around. She did this because she had offered herself as a fuck buddy to my friend, who had turned her down because he knew how I felt about her.
I was devastated. Never had I felt so betrayed, so hopeless, stupid and worthless. Now, at this point I should mention I was in the midst of untreated clinical depression, and the beginning stages of rampant alcoholism. So this hit me kind of hard. It was the only time during my battles with the bottle and my brain that I actually stayed in bed for three days. At one point I called a suicide hotline.
To this day, I have no idea who that person was on the other end of the phone, but they saved my life. I cannot thank them enough for being there.
At this point I came to the conclusion that this relationship, whatever it was, was extremely toxic and I had to walk away. Nothing like getting hit in the face with a branch to realize youre in a forest.
So I did. I walked away, and turned my back on K and said Id had enough. I wish I could say that doing that was the end of the story. It wasnt
Every few months, K would resurface. She would talk about wanting things that she clearly didnt, she would talk about missing me and being sorry. Sometimes, I would buy what she was selling, only to have the cycle repeat itself over and over again.
Finally, K decided that she wanted to go live in Australia for a year (again, not a hard thing for her to swing). Under the premise of wanting to clear the air before she left because she missed me so much, I had a conversation with her that should have happened almost four years before.
It was during this conversation that K said the only honest thing shed ever say to me:
I knew you were falling in love with me, and even though I didnt feel the same way I let it happen because it made me feel good about myself.
At that point, anything left inside me that felt good about K died. Hearing her admit to that aloud destroyed anything she could have said or done to make things right. I walked away, she moved, and that was it. She became an un-person to me.
I had let this girl (and I use the term let very specifically, because I could have stopped it had I not been so blinded by how much I loved her) use me, lead me on, and eat away at my heart for almost 5 years. I do not deny my own faults in the situation, but I also could no longer white-wash over hers.
Today is Ks birthday.
As far as I know, she still lives overseas and probably doesnt give me a moments thought. It wasnt until I sobered up and got some treatment for my own issues that I was able to look back and see that time in my life clearly. In the end, I learned a whole hell of a lot from K. I learned how not to be taken advantage of. I learned how to recognize what its like to be led on. And most importantly, I learned that I dont have to give my heart to someone who doesnt deserve it. I learned how to trust without doing it recklessly.
In a way, one might say I should thank her. I wont, but I can say this: K will be with me forever. That little sliver of my heart that reminds me what its like to be taken down as far as a person can go will always have her face attached to it, and thats very important to me. Unless we learn from our mistakes, we will be doomed to repeat them.
At least at this point, Ive got it down to only once a year.
One day, I'll tell you about L and N. Thus completing my trifecta of Evil Somewhat-Ex's.
We see what we want to see.