Pardon the pontification. I believe I'm about to babble a bit, so please forgive the mess.

How much time do you spend looking inside yourself? I mean, we're all supposedly self-aware, right? Isn't that one of the commonly accepted definitions of being a sentient life form? However, I think we all have a nice facade that we've constructed internally. A facade that provides us with the ability to take a quick glance at "ourselves", make mental notes about certain behaviors that we know we should change, and then move on with life. I imagine the facade to look quite like a black chalkboard with little yellow stickies all over, each one containing a "blurb" about ourselves:

"Be nicer to Aunt Betty"
"Remember birthday's"
"Stop procrastinating"

However, there's one sticky on the board that's a little harder to read. One that we try to avoid, because we're too "busy" checking the others and keeping up with those things. That sticky starts off a little more like:

"Quit the bullshit. Look at your self. Why are you lonely? What's missing in your life that keeps you from achieving greatness?"

Et cetera.

Obviously, for any one of us, the questions on that sticky are different. But we all have one. And its curled up in one corner of the black board, partially covered up by "Leave the toilet seat down".

Its the only one that matters. Behind that sticky isn't actually a chalk board, but a window. Beyond which lies the landscape of our minds, and our souls. Its the window that shows us everything we are; not just the good, nor just the bad. EVERYTHING. All of it clumped together. None of it in any organized pattern. Its memories of our face turned up to a warm summer sun when we were young; the sun that shines down on the memory of us standing beside the grave of a loved one. The memory of our darkest hours mixed with our happiest...

Pardon the pontification. I believe I'm about to babble a bit, so please forgive the mess.

How much time do you spend looking inside yourself? I mean, we're all supposedly self-aware, right? Isn't that one of the commonly accepted definitions of being a sentient life form? However, I think we all have a nice facade that we've constructed internally. A facade that provides us with the ability to take a quick glance at "ourselves", make mental notes about certain behaviors that we know we should change, and then move on with life. I imagine the facade to look quite like a black chalkboard with little yellow stickies all over, each one containing a "blurb" about ourselves:

"Be nicer to Aunt Betty"
"Remember birthday's"
"Stop procrastinating"

However, there's one sticky on the board that's a little harder to read. One that we try to avoid, because we're too "busy" checking the others and keeping up with those things. That sticky starts off a little more like:

"Quit the bullshit. Look at your self. Why are you lonely? What's missing in your life that keeps you from achieving greatness?"

Et cetera.

Obviously, for any one of us, the questions on that sticky are different. But we all have one. And its curled up in one corner of the black board, partially covered up by "Leave the toilet seat down".

Its the only one that matters. Behind that sticky isn't actually a chalk board, but a window. Beyond which lies the landscape of our minds, and our souls. Its the window that shows us everything we are; not just the good, nor just the bad. EVERYTHING. All of it clumped together. None of it in any organized pattern. Its memories of our face turned up to a warm summer sun when we were young; the sun that shines down on the memory of us standing beside the grave of a loved one. The memory of our darkest hours mixed with our happiest days. Its also a landscape that reminds us of our faults. Those ugly trolls behind the trees that represent our lies, our grudges, our greed, our sins. The things we try to forget, to "move on from".

All of these things are what we are truly made of. The hatred, the pain, the love, the pride, the embarrassment. Its these things we must examine and learn from. If we truly want to live a happy life, we must admit to, own, understand, and grow from both the good and the bad.

But its hard. Hard to admit, even to ourselves, in the quiet of our own minds, that all of those things are a part of us. How do we face it? How do we "own" it? Even if we can sit on the precipice of the landscape, and truly appreciate all that we see before us (all of what's inside of us), how can we move forward?

Many people turn to religion to answer at least part of this. Some religions teach you to put faith that everything that's done is gone, and forgiveness is the only answer you need. Others preach extreme forms of corporal mortification, teaching that only through pain in the flesh can you expunge the pain in your soul. Some forms of buddhism believe that only through completely eradicating the concept of "self", the very thought that you are an individual, from your mind can you achieve peace within. This leads to what westerners commonly think of as Buddhist monks; bald, robed men who don't own any material items, and subsist with a minimal diet.

I cannot speak to what method is true; obviously, we are all responsible for our own faith and spiritual walk. And each of us has our preferred beliefs. I know that I tend to lean towards Buddhist beliefs, primary because of my upbringing.

What about expressing your pain to someone? That's what I tend to do. Writing, talking, whatever. Its part of why I love music so much. Sometimes the raw emotion, the wordless power of music, is what helps me past those moments when I want to self destruct under the weight of my own "self". I see why counselors often encourage people to physically confront their issues, particularly when those issues deal with other people. Purging yourself of the pain of a secret, or a grudge, by admitting it out loud to someone can relieve a tremendous amount of internal strife.

So I try and look at the landscape, sometimes til it feels that my minds eyes are bleeding, and carry forth to my outside life the lessons learned. That's probably why this entry exists; to give me cause to continue the process. Even in describing the thoughts/questions, I participate in the process of becoming more self aware. One small step, and all that...

I suppose that's all for now; there's more I need to write about, but can only bring myself to talk about little bits at a time. But hey, thanks for reading along.