sometimes i wish i could just erase all this shit, y'know? i'd really rather not be such a drama queen. it's embarrassing.
i guess i could edit everything into oblivion.
but i'm not supposed to be embarrassed by anything. being an actor and all that shit. sometimes i wonder if i can really call myself an actor anymore, though.
ugh. i need a vacation from myself.
something has got to work.
i would love to smoke a bigfatfucking bowl right now, but i've got nothing. i'd get drunk, but i'm sick, and i'd stay sick a whole lot longer. tomorrow is my Chloe's birthday, and i've got to have a good time. that's probably the best thing i could give her right now. i wish i could afford a week away at a b&b. aside from being broke, i've still got to survive the end of the semester. i don't think im cut out for this shit. which sucks, b/c i'm close to a degree. i hate being a slave, but i think it may actually take less of a toll. if only i could get myself up off my ass and make myself do what i'm supposed to do to do what i want to do. i'm getting a blood test soon to figure out if i have a thyroid problem. the possibility has been tossed around a few times. it would explain a lot. i wonder if that would be easier to deal with? if it turns out there's actually an easy fix for how i feel, holy shit would i be ecstatic! hopefully i'll get that test on tuesday.
for now, i'll try not to feel like shit, and slap a smile on anyway.
i guess i could edit everything into oblivion.
but i'm not supposed to be embarrassed by anything. being an actor and all that shit. sometimes i wonder if i can really call myself an actor anymore, though.
ugh. i need a vacation from myself.
something has got to work.
i would love to smoke a bigfatfucking bowl right now, but i've got nothing. i'd get drunk, but i'm sick, and i'd stay sick a whole lot longer. tomorrow is my Chloe's birthday, and i've got to have a good time. that's probably the best thing i could give her right now. i wish i could afford a week away at a b&b. aside from being broke, i've still got to survive the end of the semester. i don't think im cut out for this shit. which sucks, b/c i'm close to a degree. i hate being a slave, but i think it may actually take less of a toll. if only i could get myself up off my ass and make myself do what i'm supposed to do to do what i want to do. i'm getting a blood test soon to figure out if i have a thyroid problem. the possibility has been tossed around a few times. it would explain a lot. i wonder if that would be easier to deal with? if it turns out there's actually an easy fix for how i feel, holy shit would i be ecstatic! hopefully i'll get that test on tuesday.
for now, i'll try not to feel like shit, and slap a smile on anyway.
is there a way back from all this destruction?
what about the self-destruction? the madness? the shame?
could i ever be the same? will i ever be sane?
ps: i'm remembering how awesome Weeds is. it's threatening to take up all my time.
what about the self-destruction? the madness? the shame?
could i ever be the same? will i ever be sane?
ps: i'm remembering how awesome Weeds is. it's threatening to take up all my time.
ugh. still trying to keep it together. dropped a class. my sister is getting a divorce after being with my bro-in-law for at least 15 years. 
she says she doesn't love him anymore, and isn't attracted to him. i don't like it one bit. we haven't been hanging much lately, but i really do love the dude. this is going to be very messed up.
my girlfriend's mom is a bit crazy lately. well, crazier than usual. her dad is having health problems, she hates her job, she thinks i hate her, she's having money issues and relationship issues. i understand shit is hard, but she doesn't understand i've got enough of my own shit to deal with and it's hard enough for me to stay sane without having to deal with her crazy.
she doesn't understand why i'm not all happy-happy-joy-joy, sure, let's constantly talk about your problems. she also expects others to indulge her selfish behavior and do her bidding and pick up after her. she's wasteful and can't seem to do a damn thing about cleaning up her own messes. can't even put a dish in the washer or throw shit away 99% of the time and she uses her job as an excuse to be lazy. hey, i'm fucking tired most of the time, too. we all do a bunch of shit that we'd mostly rather not do all the fucking time. she needs to grow the fuck up. i'm not here to run her errands and do her dishes and take her blame. i've got a bunch of shit to think about, change, and do before i likely move to LA in August. but, please, yes, let's just deal with your shit and whims. fuck.
on top of all this, i'm trying to deal with the fact that i'm either going to lose my girlfriend or all of my friends, and possibly my dog. not to mention being a long way away from my parents and my sister, all of whom i don't see enough as it is. long-distance relationships don't really work so well, whether you're just friends, or more than that. how am i supposed to have faith that everything will be alright? how the fuck is that even possible? i'm not even sure i'll like living in LA. Austin is perfect for me. i don't know what the fuck to do. this is the hardest decision i've ever had to make. i don't know if this is the right time to try to get sober for a while. 
ok, enough bitching, whining and emoticons. nobody reads this shit anyway.
ps: on a happy note, i have been having a lot of fun going on field trips every friday with my biology class. even though it's really exhausting following my teacher around and identifying/collecting plants for four or five hours. i'm also hanging out with my bud tim a lot and shooting shorts. i'm not always happy with my performances, and we do some wacky and esoteric stuff, but i love to work on shit, whatever it is. we finally entered one of our shorts into a short film contest, and i'm pretty excited about it. i hope we find more contests to enter other stuff into soon. anyway. things aren't all bad.
she says she doesn't love him anymore, and isn't attracted to him. i don't like it one bit. we haven't been hanging much lately, but i really do love the dude. this is going to be very messed up. my girlfriend's mom is a bit crazy lately. well, crazier than usual. her dad is having health problems, she hates her job, she thinks i hate her, she's having money issues and relationship issues. i understand shit is hard, but she doesn't understand i've got enough of my own shit to deal with and it's hard enough for me to stay sane without having to deal with her crazy.
she doesn't understand why i'm not all happy-happy-joy-joy, sure, let's constantly talk about your problems. she also expects others to indulge her selfish behavior and do her bidding and pick up after her. she's wasteful and can't seem to do a damn thing about cleaning up her own messes. can't even put a dish in the washer or throw shit away 99% of the time and she uses her job as an excuse to be lazy. hey, i'm fucking tired most of the time, too. we all do a bunch of shit that we'd mostly rather not do all the fucking time. she needs to grow the fuck up. i'm not here to run her errands and do her dishes and take her blame. i've got a bunch of shit to think about, change, and do before i likely move to LA in August. but, please, yes, let's just deal with your shit and whims. fuck. on top of all this, i'm trying to deal with the fact that i'm either going to lose my girlfriend or all of my friends, and possibly my dog. not to mention being a long way away from my parents and my sister, all of whom i don't see enough as it is. long-distance relationships don't really work so well, whether you're just friends, or more than that. how am i supposed to have faith that everything will be alright? how the fuck is that even possible? i'm not even sure i'll like living in LA. Austin is perfect for me. i don't know what the fuck to do. this is the hardest decision i've ever had to make. i don't know if this is the right time to try to get sober for a while. ok, enough bitching, whining and emoticons. nobody reads this shit anyway.
ps: on a happy note, i have been having a lot of fun going on field trips every friday with my biology class. even though it's really exhausting following my teacher around and identifying/collecting plants for four or five hours. i'm also hanging out with my bud tim a lot and shooting shorts. i'm not always happy with my performances, and we do some wacky and esoteric stuff, but i love to work on shit, whatever it is. we finally entered one of our shorts into a short film contest, and i'm pretty excited about it. i hope we find more contests to enter other stuff into soon. anyway. things aren't all bad.
Sooooo, yeah. I'm still in school. I'm still doing pretty good, though i could be doing better. I'm busy, obviously. But I'm looking forward to spring break next week! and going to some sxsw parties. but i still have to go to class in 30, and take a huge test on friday. just had one crazyass quiz in the same class, and it makes me paranoid about the big fucking test. anyway. thins are cool with me right now, for the most part. the near horizon is looking alright, and i'm trying not to look past it right now. blah blah blah whatever. time for class. -Peace!-
i am so close to permanently dropping out of school. i am so fed up with the whole bullshit broken fucking system & the outrageous cost of a shitty education. 
i'm just inches away from taking the rest of my money ( a meager meager sum), buying hallucinogens & granola bars, and retreating to live out the last few remaining days of my existence in utter, mindless,possibly blissful, madness.
i don't even know what else to say.
things were going so smoothly.
i'm just inches away from taking the rest of my money ( a meager meager sum), buying hallucinogens & granola bars, and retreating to live out the last few remaining days of my existence in utter, mindless,possibly blissful, madness.
i don't even know what else to say.
things were going so smoothly.
sooo tired. skipped class yesterday & then rearranged my schedule. now i'm taking more hours and harder classes! wtf is wrong with me!? ugh. i hate evening classes, but i signed up for one: business & technical writing. WHAT!?! it was the only class still open that would meet my comm. requirement. fuck. hate mornings? love fridays? well get ready to hate fridays, cause you're taking a 5 hr biology class/lab starting @ 8 am on fridays! double fuck. however, if i don't fail or kill myself, i can conceivably take the last three courses i need for my associates degree over the summer. oh yeah: love summer?... ugh. got me chasin paper.
on another note: my birfday was pretty chill. i got some alone time, which was really nice. dinner plans went a bit awry, but i was cool. the party on the saturday before was off whatever things are off of these days, though. for real. and i only got one head wound!
we did break a couple of things, and i think i actually started the trend. stupid butterfingers! but nobody puked! which is pretty amazing, as my pal the Rev has a history of vomiting. he did, however, give me the head wound. and, separately, a knee injury. oy. that boy. i partied pretty hard, too. something like a six-pack + 7 or 8 shots + unknown tokes. my hangover wasn't so bad, considering. spent the next day watchin movies and smokin with the Rev & my cuz, mutual bday mates. but, back to harsh realities starting today! and yet, i've had a strange sense of comfort and well-being in recent days. i think i'm starting to actually believe in myself, and not just trying to believe in myself now. it's weird. but i'm going with it! whatever.
my chica just got home & i'm tired as hell, so,
peace out & STOP SOPA!
on another note: my birfday was pretty chill. i got some alone time, which was really nice. dinner plans went a bit awry, but i was cool. the party on the saturday before was off whatever things are off of these days, though. for real. and i only got one head wound!
we did break a couple of things, and i think i actually started the trend. stupid butterfingers! but nobody puked! which is pretty amazing, as my pal the Rev has a history of vomiting. he did, however, give me the head wound. and, separately, a knee injury. oy. that boy. i partied pretty hard, too. something like a six-pack + 7 or 8 shots + unknown tokes. my hangover wasn't so bad, considering. spent the next day watchin movies and smokin with the Rev & my cuz, mutual bday mates. but, back to harsh realities starting today! and yet, i've had a strange sense of comfort and well-being in recent days. i think i'm starting to actually believe in myself, and not just trying to believe in myself now. it's weird. but i'm going with it! whatever. my chica just got home & i'm tired as hell, so,
peace out & STOP SOPA!
oh man. birthday is monday & my classes start tuesday! i'm freakin out, man! i'm going full time and i'm going to have to work my ass off. hopefully, it will be fun. i'm taking an acting class & a martial arts conditioning class, so i'm hoping that balances out the cerebral stuff. ugh. i'm also trying not to drink or smoke. we'll see how that goes. after my bday blastacular i probably won't want to for a while anyway. heh heh, no puking!
oh, i think my sleeping pill is kicking in, so i should get ready for bed while i can. insomnia has been fierce lately. duuuuuh, yeah. um. ok. good night!
heh heh, no puking!oh, i think my sleeping pill is kicking in, so i should get ready for bed while i can.
insomnia has been fierce lately. duuuuuh, yeah. um. ok. good night!so, me and school aren't getting along right now. i got sick for a while and got pretty behind in my work. i got antibiotics eventually, and got better, but i'm still trying to catch up. my body failing didn't help me out in the mental department either. so, i'm still struggling with a bit of a crackup too. but i finally got my financial aid, which is much needed. now i'm just trying hard not to let myself give up.
a note on the masses
private hells made public
often puzzle the readers:
they wonder how this one
or that one
can endure and
continue.
well, there's a secret:
don't expect too
much of Humanity,
they have been
practicing hatred
for centuries,
it's passed down
refined and
perfected,
oh, they have become
very good at that---
their hatreds blossom
with ever more frequent
regularity.
our public hell creates a
private hell and
there is no hell
except on
earth.
once you accept
this premise
you will be free to
exist
on your own terms
and you will never
know loneliness
and death will be as
nothing.
consider yourself
blessed in the
dark.
-charles bukowski
a note on the masses
private hells made public
often puzzle the readers:
they wonder how this one
or that one
can endure and
continue.
well, there's a secret:
don't expect too
much of Humanity,
they have been
practicing hatred
for centuries,
it's passed down
refined and
perfected,
oh, they have become
very good at that---
their hatreds blossom
with ever more frequent
regularity.
our public hell creates a
private hell and
there is no hell
except on
earth.
once you accept
this premise
you will be free to
exist
on your own terms
and you will never
know loneliness
and death will be as
nothing.
consider yourself
blessed in the
dark.
-charles bukowski
so, i totally got to see some epic metal in dallas the other day! not to mention some scottish pirate metal! unfortunately, i was taking the place of a friend who couldn't go at the last minute. it especially sucks b/c it was her birthday present. but her loss was my gain, and i needed it! we missed a couple of bands b/c we got there pretty late, and i would really liked to have seen them. it was the second time i've missed The Agonist. also missed Blackguard. But Alestorm and Kamelot (w/Fabio Lione on vocals!) were fuckin awesome. Simone Simmons from Epica came out to sing a song with Kamelot, as did Alissa White-Gluz from The Agonist. she's fucking hot as hell and has an awesome voice. she can sing beautifully & clearly, then switch right into the deep growls. and her headbanging is awesome. we parked across the street from the club, and, as we were leaving, we noticed Fabio hiding in the shadows! we got a picture, and then i got an autograph for our friend Ash, whose place i'd taken. i can't wait to see her face!! ah, it was awesome. of course, i got sick again, and haven't felt well since, but it was fucking worth it!! yeah!
but her loss was my gain, and i needed it! we missed a couple of bands b/c we got there pretty late, and i would really liked to have seen them. it was the second time i've missed The Agonist. also missed Blackguard. But Alestorm and Kamelot (w/Fabio Lione on vocals!) were fuckin awesome. Simone Simmons from Epica came out to sing a song with Kamelot, as did Alissa White-Gluz from The Agonist. she's fucking hot as hell and has an awesome voice. she can sing beautifully & clearly, then switch right into the deep growls. and her headbanging is awesome. we parked across the street from the club, and, as we were leaving, we noticed Fabio hiding in the shadows! we got a picture, and then i got an autograph for our friend Ash, whose place i'd taken. i can't wait to see her face!! ah, it was awesome. of course, i got sick again, and haven't felt well since, but it was fucking worth it!! yeah! 