I'm into what I call the "Heath Ledger" phase of my life Seriously, I'm trying to make it through this shit for him too, working hard (or trying to), to get me out of this mess.
I'm not a homosexual, nor have I ever felt any sort of true or foolish compassion for celebrities since my childhood, but Heath's friggin destiny....he almost feels like a brother to me. It hit him exactly when my life came crashing down. Quote Capote: two brothers, raised in the same house, one went out the front door, the other one through the back.
Patrick Bateman meets Curt Cobain...that was my 2007/2008. A true rockstars life at night while pretending corporate suit in the daytime. Flashy car, trophy girls, finest restaurants, fake friends, fake smile, fake fuck.
When it all comes crahing down, all that's left lies at the bottom of pandora's box.
I'll never pretend that it can't get any worse, because it always can. When I was a kid my mother often told me to stop laughing because life wasn't fun at all...looking back I remember that I thought I very well knew the meaning of misery and the balance of good and bad times in life. But there is no balance, and no matter how deep you fall, the pit is bottomless. It' not all relative...when you're feeling a -10, there is always a -11, maybe approaching asymptotic to a theoretical state of total fucked up-ness, but you can never reach it when you're still alive.
When the piano that fell out of the 10th floor is 1ft above your head, you can still step into a pile of shit or drop your candy in the mud.
My whole life I was bale to turn back setbacks into good, it doesn't work any more. When I was screwed, I always imagined the tiniest ray of light in the darkness that I could work with, build on, hold on to.
It doesn't work anymore, for months now.
Hope turned into an awkward reluctance to give up life, without any motivating effect or momentum buildup.
What...
I'm into what I call the "Heath Ledger" phase of my life Seriously, I'm trying to make it through this shit for him too, working hard (or trying to), to get me out of this mess.
I'm not a homosexual, nor have I ever felt any sort of true or foolish compassion for celebrities since my childhood, but Heath's friggin destiny....he almost feels like a brother to me. It hit him exactly when my life came crashing down. Quote Capote: two brothers, raised in the same house, one went out the front door, the other one through the back.
Patrick Bateman meets Curt Cobain...that was my 2007/2008. A true rockstars life at night while pretending corporate suit in the daytime. Flashy car, trophy girls, finest restaurants, fake friends, fake smile, fake fuck.
When it all comes crahing down, all that's left lies at the bottom of pandora's box.
I'll never pretend that it can't get any worse, because it always can. When I was a kid my mother often told me to stop laughing because life wasn't fun at all...looking back I remember that I thought I very well knew the meaning of misery and the balance of good and bad times in life. But there is no balance, and no matter how deep you fall, the pit is bottomless. It' not all relative...when you're feeling a -10, there is always a -11, maybe approaching asymptotic to a theoretical state of total fucked up-ness, but you can never reach it when you're still alive.
When the piano that fell out of the 10th floor is 1ft above your head, you can still step into a pile of shit or drop your candy in the mud.
My whole life I was bale to turn back setbacks into good, it doesn't work any more. When I was screwed, I always imagined the tiniest ray of light in the darkness that I could work with, build on, hold on to.
It doesn't work anymore, for months now.
Hope turned into an awkward reluctance to give up life, without any motivating effect or momentum buildup.
What I miss the most are clear and identifiable emotions...there is fear, terror, sadness, insanity, panic...but all mixed up in an unbearable ominpresent state of misery.
And to the outside, I'm in control, the man, cold as ice. Most social phenomenons manifest themselves in an sinus curve if displayed graphically, a natural effect of cycle mechanisms. What goes up, must come down. I always saw life this way...and I'm desperately awaiting the second derivative of my life graph to tun into fucking zero..with the third one beeing anything than zero.
I'm not a homosexual, nor have I ever felt any sort of true or foolish compassion for celebrities since my childhood, but Heath's friggin destiny....he almost feels like a brother to me. It hit him exactly when my life came crashing down. Quote Capote: two brothers, raised in the same house, one went out the front door, the other one through the back.
Patrick Bateman meets Curt Cobain...that was my 2007/2008. A true rockstars life at night while pretending corporate suit in the daytime. Flashy car, trophy girls, finest restaurants, fake friends, fake smile, fake fuck.
When it all comes crahing down, all that's left lies at the bottom of pandora's box.
I'll never pretend that it can't get any worse, because it always can. When I was a kid my mother often told me to stop laughing because life wasn't fun at all...looking back I remember that I thought I very well knew the meaning of misery and the balance of good and bad times in life. But there is no balance, and no matter how deep you fall, the pit is bottomless. It' not all relative...when you're feeling a -10, there is always a -11, maybe approaching asymptotic to a theoretical state of total fucked up-ness, but you can never reach it when you're still alive.
When the piano that fell out of the 10th floor is 1ft above your head, you can still step into a pile of shit or drop your candy in the mud.
My whole life I was bale to turn back setbacks into good, it doesn't work any more. When I was screwed, I always imagined the tiniest ray of light in the darkness that I could work with, build on, hold on to.
It doesn't work anymore, for months now.
Hope turned into an awkward reluctance to give up life, without any motivating effect or momentum buildup.
What...