I did MDMA for the first time in over a year on Friday. The new boy, the first boy I've been excited about in a really long time, doesn't date girls that do drugs. I found this out today. Because now, he isn't dating me. The universe has a great sense of humour.
Tonight is a listen to the Smiths and wish I didn't do everything wrong kinda night. I'll get it together tomorrow.
Tonight is a listen to the Smiths and wish I didn't do everything wrong kinda night. I'll get it together tomorrow.
about to go hang out with a cute boy and quietly freaking out about it. when was the last time I did this sober? sad but true..
kind of freaking out, and I dont know why.. I should be riding a Lollapalooza high, but instead just crashing..
I just need to get this out to SOMEBODY..
so I dated this guy for awhile. I introduced to him to a friend of mine and, well, they've been seeing each other ever since. There was a lot of overlap involved. I was definitely crushed when I found out. but that was a long time ago. to make a long story short, they're still together (more or less) and I have managed to become good friends with the guy again. we work together, so civility is part of the job. friendship with the girl never happened because, well, she never genuinely seemed to care to mend that burned bridge. and she's convinced herself that I'm trying to steal him back. for the record: I am not. not at all. not even a little bit. but she is psychotically jealous--to the point that he can't even mention if I'm in the same room as him without her freaking out. Projecting much? I mean, we work together. We carpool. Sometimes we go out for a drink after work. But this is all a part of my "master plan", according to her. I want nothing to do with their drama. I reached my bullshit limit concerning this situation a very long time ago. But it seems that no matter how much I don't want to be a part of it, I am a part of it.. by merit of simply breathing too close to him. Last night we went out for such a drink and he was on the phone with her all night--and she called him in the morning--convincing her that we weren't fucking. It's gotten to the point that I think I have to decide if even having him as a friend is worth dealing with HER bullshit. ugh.
this is so dumb. but honestly, I'm kind of finding out that most of the friends I've made in this city aren't genuine. and he and I work really well as friends and I understand and accept and know that we are not good as anything more than that. so it would just REALLY suck if I have to lose him too, cuz his psycho bitch girlfriend can't get it together.
anyway.
this chapter in my life is a really weird one. everything is changing.
so I dated this guy for awhile. I introduced to him to a friend of mine and, well, they've been seeing each other ever since. There was a lot of overlap involved. I was definitely crushed when I found out. but that was a long time ago. to make a long story short, they're still together (more or less) and I have managed to become good friends with the guy again. we work together, so civility is part of the job. friendship with the girl never happened because, well, she never genuinely seemed to care to mend that burned bridge. and she's convinced herself that I'm trying to steal him back. for the record: I am not. not at all. not even a little bit. but she is psychotically jealous--to the point that he can't even mention if I'm in the same room as him without her freaking out. Projecting much? I mean, we work together. We carpool. Sometimes we go out for a drink after work. But this is all a part of my "master plan", according to her. I want nothing to do with their drama. I reached my bullshit limit concerning this situation a very long time ago. But it seems that no matter how much I don't want to be a part of it, I am a part of it.. by merit of simply breathing too close to him. Last night we went out for such a drink and he was on the phone with her all night--and she called him in the morning--convincing her that we weren't fucking. It's gotten to the point that I think I have to decide if even having him as a friend is worth dealing with HER bullshit. ugh.
this is so dumb. but honestly, I'm kind of finding out that most of the friends I've made in this city aren't genuine. and he and I work really well as friends and I understand and accept and know that we are not good as anything more than that. so it would just REALLY suck if I have to lose him too, cuz his psycho bitch girlfriend can't get it together.
anyway.
this chapter in my life is a really weird one. everything is changing.
so, hypothetically, I've been "dating" this boy since October. To make a long story short, he's not from America so the entire time we've been seeing each other (off and on), there has been this huge fucking cloud of impending doom (aka deportation) looming over us. So it's not so unexpected that he would remain distant. at least that's what I told myself.
the other day I found out that he was approved for a visa. he is staying in the country. I found this out through facebook. he has not called, nor so much as texted, to mention that he won't be moving back to his homeland.
now, he's in a band. and tomorrow they are playing a show in which I was going to attend with a friend of mine. and then I find this out. and every part of my being is screaming "you. should. not. go." but not a single time has it said "you won't." why why why do I knowww better, but have a complete inability to listen to rationality? I know exactly how this is gonna end. I'm gonna be the sad one here. and yet, there's a 90% chance I'll still be at his goddamn show.
fuck me.
the other day I found out that he was approved for a visa. he is staying in the country. I found this out through facebook. he has not called, nor so much as texted, to mention that he won't be moving back to his homeland.
now, he's in a band. and tomorrow they are playing a show in which I was going to attend with a friend of mine. and then I find this out. and every part of my being is screaming "you. should. not. go." but not a single time has it said "you won't." why why why do I knowww better, but have a complete inability to listen to rationality? I know exactly how this is gonna end. I'm gonna be the sad one here. and yet, there's a 90% chance I'll still be at his goddamn show.
fuck me.
what do you do when you are sick of everything? all these places and people have gone stale.
sometimes I really do want to go out and be social. sometimes I just wanna separate from civilization. sometimes this feeling lasts for weeks. it makes it really hard for me to live with a group of people who don't know how to be alone. there's constantly people here, people I don't even know. the best part about moving into an apartment, all my own, just me, is that I don't have to deal with a bunch of unwanted randoms in my space anymore.
I mean, why did a bunch of my roommate's drunk friends just show up at my house? another unexpected party that I could not want less. I only wanted to be here quietly in my pajamas tonight. maybe I won't feel that tomorrow, but right now? sigh.
one more week.
I mean, why did a bunch of my roommate's drunk friends just show up at my house? another unexpected party that I could not want less. I only wanted to be here quietly in my pajamas tonight. maybe I won't feel that tomorrow, but right now? sigh.
one more week.
