I had some many dreams and wants for the past year. But for some reason none really came true. I have seen that i am in a rut and i cant seem to get out. I dont know what to do to free my self of my self... All i want is the simple things that i was promised. I want my own home, i want a nice job, and most of all something to live for. I know its great to be alive and that things could be really worst, but to me things are crazy bad! I dont know how to connect to women anymore. My past relationships didnt help me out with this one. When i do seem to fall for some one they dont fall for me. Or when i like some one and they play hard to get i give up, I dont feel like im good enough for anyone, now more then ever. No home for them to stay with me, no good job to help me take them out and support. i just dont think im good enough and that is horrible thing to think i know. ok im done i cant type anymore!

All the argument has stopped. The room was much darker now, then when the fighting began. I glanced out side to see the snow drifting through the air. It danced in the wind as I looked back in to the darken room. Her tears have stopped, as I grab my coat. I hear a faint gasp well I button up. Taking the doorknob with my hand and turning, when I feel her touch on my back. I breathe in deeply let one last tear fall from my eyes and walk out into the beauty of the snowfall. I hear the faint sound in the distance of the door closing. It takes every ounce of my being to not turn back. I reach the streetlight that lit my view of the snow from her window, and know her eyes are on me. I’m sure her eyes were filled with tears, she never thought I’d be the one who walked away. Bundling up under that lonely streetlight, I can finally see the end to all my loneliness. I set off down the street creating my own footsteps and relieved to see that only my footsteps were in the freshly laid snow.

So i just wrote this a few minutes ago. I was thinking well walking around my town and listening to my Ipod like always. Then this song by Farewell Fight came on called Loch. The song is truly amazing, its very sad but not at the same time. As i was listening i thought of a story, well the ending of a story, of a guy who had a huge fight with his girlfriend. The fight was something maybe dealing with her cheating on him or her just using him. But the man is so much in love that it takes every bit of him to get up from her house and leave in the cold snowy night. I feel its a very powerful story that has a lot more meaning behind it. You can take this from a few different points. You can look at the man as your self and the women as your current life and place in life. With the man/you getting up and leaving the warm safe home you have made. To move on to the unknown, the cold snowy unknown. And that the foot prints you make to the new path no longer need the old safe world that was holding you back.

This is just me trying to make sense of everything that is going on in life. I also think the story is very beautiful, and i just wanted to share it with anyone who reads this.

So not much happening in my life to update. I had a third interview at Hershey Park, not sure whats going to happen. I pray that i get this job, i want nothing more then to have this. Ive been having my emotions played with by all sorts of females. Always the same, games upon games. Never do they care who they are hurting lol. I wrote a new poem about the last girl who i thought maybe but she thought other wise. Oh i also found out today when ever my friends freak out about the future or become a little emo they say that they are acting like me and say do you want to be like him... I mean really i didnt need that today. Im trying my fucking hardest to not being so fucking emo. But with this job, people in my family passing away, and not knowing when ill be able to have my own place it all gets to fucking much... So not i feel like i cant talk to my friends cause i dont want to be to emo on them...

The bar was crowed
As I sat there with friends
Small talk going all around
My eyes scan the darken room
As they fall on to a pair of blue eyes
I look back to my amber Ale
I smile and nod as my friends chat away
I look back up to where the blue eyes were
To find them still fixed on me
This time a smile companies them
Smiling back my friends hit my arm
The amber Ale spills on to the floor
The embarrassment is great
I see the blue eye girl laugh as I get up for another Ale
Her eyes follow every step as the want to talk to her grows
I get back to my friends as I glance over again
She smiles so big as our eyes met
Breathing in deeply my legs pull me out of my chair
Finding my self walking to those eyes
We exchange hellos as she smiles again
The noise from the bar drifts away
As we talk into the night
Only one light is shining above us
As my fingers reach to touch her skin
She nods to the door as we walk threw it
I reach out and take her hand
The air out side is so cold I offer my coat
We don’t speak a word as we walk down the snowy roads
Stopping finally to a red door lit from the streetlights
She ascends to the doorway pulling me by her hand
We stumble into her door giggling away
She places her hands on my hip
And my hands around her neck
I push in for a kiss as she pushes to me
With in an inch from each other’s lips she pulls the door open
She runs up the dark staircase
Smiling I chase after her through the darkness
I get another punch in the arm
As my friends ask me “if you’ve seen a ghost”
Shaking my head and looking around but the blue eyes have gone
No one staring at me but my confused friends

So a lot has happen lately! I was dating a girl for a bit, it was told to me that it would be just for the summer and i agreed but soon found out i flew for her more then i wanted. She went to Pittsburgh to start school and we kind of stop talking. I get a message from her every once and awhile. Then i found out she wants to date this other guy and im sorry but that pissed me off. She told me she doesnt want a boyfriend when we started dating which is fine but dont go out to school and start dating the first fucking guy you meet. fuck that shit, any who some light at the end of the tunnel i have a second interview for a really sweet ass job for Hershey Park! I really want this job, and will stop it nothing to get it. This job will help me out so much! I will be able to start living life and shit. It would allow me to get my own place and be happy for a bit! Plus i really love working in the Amusement park industry. Its a lot of fun and always changing, and you get to walk a hell of a lot! i will keep anyone who reads this up to date on the job and all. Lets see nothing else is really happening! im working on a new poem about my summer romance when its done ill post it!

New Blog! ok so i have no idea what to write about. I'm working back at my summer job that ive been there for 9 years! I love it so much but hate it at the same time. Its coming down to the end of the summer which sucks for one all my new friends go back to college, and im stuck with out anything. second this means my money will start to slow down and that sucks!!! haha i dont know ive been tired cause i work a billion hours lol. i want to post a poem i wrote for my PopPop who passed away in june. so here it goes!

Elder

Fare thee well me Elder
You have touch our lives
We shall never forget the footsteps we walked
The lessons you have taught
The smiles you brought
We stand here today to say goodbye
But I know it is not for long
Our souls will find each other again
I know you shall wait in those green fields
We shall all take the same path you and all our elders have
We shall travel through the cold rains of the deep forest
Where only your sparkle is seen
We will push the curtain back
Our eyes will dazzle upon the white shores
But we know we must push on
For the light you shine is so bright
We pass the white sands to find a waterfall
And a valley under the great falls
Then and only then we shall finally lock eyes
There in the valley sits our great Elders
And there we all shall rest forever with each other
So I say fare thee well me Elder
Be not sad for its not forever.

So im done with school!!! i finally did it im the first one in my family to graduate from a real school. I cant believe it i wont have the damn stress of studying, or to write a fucking paper that i dont even care about at all... it feels great but then again scary! I have some what of a plan but then i dont! i have goals i want to meet... here ill state them out!
1. Find a full time job i enjoy
2. Have my own place, my very own home
3. stop with my damn depressing shit
4. Learn the Piano
5. hopfully meet some one nice
6. stop pushing everyone away with my bitching!
7. get into a job working for Video games
8. learn to roller blade!
9. get back into shape
10. Eat better..

i got my work cut out for me! but i know i can do these things. as long as i work hard i can do them! i hope i get a job soon that will be the start of it all, of all the changes!!! ok im out im going to try and get into the christmas mood!!!

another poem/song. i wish i could put music to this and make this sound really nice.

I hurts to dream.

We had one amazing year
A few downs but more ups to me
I never wanted it to end
But all good things do
I kept thinking of tomorrow
You seemed to see only you
I thought of you all the time
You didn’t think of me once

It hurts when I dream and you hide away
The rain once brought so much joy
Now only pain comes falling from the heavens

I woke up in the mornings alone
I wondered where you were
Never saw you past 10
You were my leading lady in my film
The constant picture movie playing in my head
But my story isn’t over but my lady has run

It hurts when I dream and you hide away
The snow was so joyful to watch
But I sat in the cold alone

I never thought I could be more miserable
The lights could go out
My roof could rip off my house
The snow could blanket my bed
But if you were here none of that would matter
I would feel no cold
Just as long as you were here

It hurts to still dream of you and you not care
I’m just going to pretend one last time
That I’m not alone in this cold world

It hurts when I dream and you hide

Oh it hurts when I dream and you hide

Ill keep dreaming these miserable dreams
But it hurts when I dream and you hide.


Let me know what you all think

Sigh my desktop computer just died on me... i have no idea what happen, i cam home from a very stressful day of school to my computer dying on me... and now i need to get my car fix tomorrow. damn when bad things happen to me it happens in a line... i hate it.. well im about to be done with school and pray to god i can get a job! im looking now but im going to really start looking after the holidays... i pray i can get a job so i can buy a computer and start living lol...

so things havent changed at all with me and my GF and im starting to think she doesnt want them too.. heres a little something i wrote today about it all

I used to live my life just day by day
Thinking of only today
Till you walked into my life
My out looked changed to tomorrow

I don't care about what happens
All I know is we have each other
I finally saw tomorrow

I woke up every morning pleased to see the sun
Smiling cause I would get to see your face
Today was great but tomorrow looked better

I didn't care about what happens
All I knew was I had you
I finally welcomed tomorrow

The days started to grow cold
And you began to shut down
I screamed so loud
But you kept looking away

Now I care about what happens
Cause all I see is I don't have you
Tomorrow looks so unkind
Standing on top of the world
Now kicked to the dirt
I just scream in your face
And you close your eyes and hide

I used to live my life day by day
Till you walked in
Now I feel the harsh cold world again

I\'m sure no one actually comes to my profile cause i really dont do anything on this site. But i need to write this out some where my normal friends wont read it, or my gf doesnt read. So ive been with this girl for just about a year now, and ive never been happier, i mean the relationship could be better. See she hasnt opened up fully to me, im her first real boyfriend and shes an only child so its hard for her. I get that it too me years after the death of my father to really open up to someone (which is her). So everything is moving really slow and some times i go crazy and think to much or something stupid i would text all these random questions all the time... and it started to get bad, i knew she didnt like it but i coudlnt help it all i was asking for is some kind notice that im here and were together. well i have seen that lately she has been not texting much and kind of being more distance then normal... Turns out when i finally got her to talk to me she told me that shes really stressed with work and school, and that she needs a break... I was destroyed i dont know what a \"break\" is. i dont know what the rules are or anything... I asked her doe that mean what we have is done? she said \"No, i said a break\". so now were on a break and i have no idea what to do, i dont know if i can see her, or text her, or even kiss her if we do find time to hang out... i have no idea all my friends tell me they dont know, but to wait it out and she will come back. cause if she didnt want to be with me she would have ended it right there and then last night... so theres some light at the end of the tunnel. so if anyone reads this please comment maybe you have been in my spot i dont know but if you can help comment please!\r\n\r\nOh biggest kick in the balls, i had a dream last night. This dream brought me to tears. It was a family reunion of some kind, and guess who was in the dream... Both my father and my girlfriend, it was so hard to see them together. she was sitting at the table where he was sitting and they were laughing at some lame joke he said. they looked happy, my god it was like a kick in the balls... but i think the dream might be telling me something like everything is going to end up ok with me and her. and one day she will be part of the family? i dont know but it was really sad and a really good dream all at the same time...