best Christmas ever. it has been many years since i have had such a great Christmas. is this what the sweet sting of Cupid's arrow feels like? it has been so long since i have had this uncontrolled excitement towards Christmas and its posibilities.

i love my woman and have been blessed by having her love me back. she has been my one thing this year that has gone right. in a year full of ups and downs, she has been the one steady and happy part of my life.

i hope i can show her my graditude and love as she has shown hers to me. there is so much i owe this little cutie. so much more i wanna show her. so much more of the future left to see with her.

sometimes i forget just how lucky i am, but i know she remembers just how much i love her. i drive myself crazy with the thought of not being good enough. she comforts my every doubt and assures me of my place in her heart.

i love you.

Throughout my life, i have seen good times and bad. i have been on top and have fallen down hard. i now find myself in a transition from a fall to a rise. i find myself being something new, something great: happy. this happiness comes with the addition of someone new to my life.

i have left the old life behind and have embraced a new. she came with no warning and a broken heart, as i had. i have found comfort and happiness in her arms, as i hope i have returned to her. i have had many emotions running through my mind and many thoughts towards the future. she means the world to me. she is what keeps me afloat and what keeps me grounded. she is what i keep in mind when things get tough, she gets me through my rough moments of doubt and makes me a believer in myself.

i have never had such support, such feelings, and such hope for the future. i have found the elusive life i have been searching for...and its her. it is all her. she has been the answer to my questions, the push from behind to keep me going, the girl i love.

thank you for being you, for being exactly who you are. i love you.

Cggaratty.

today. this is the return. this day will make things happen, make things right again. so many things to do once this day passes. we shall see what this day brings and what follows. hopefully all my thoughts prove to be false and all my hopes stop playing a fictional role. hoping for the best.

CG.

sitting here thinking about nothing. just sitting here looking at this screen. looking at the screen in anticipation. for what? i dont know. im 28. im a student. im hopeful and hopeless all at the same time. my life has been an all but forgetten memory of what it is to be me. i feel nothing and everything in a matter of seconds. i have so many questions. so many years of hopeless ventures and dead end life roads. so many tears and so many surface laughs. im hidding so much inside that its eating away at me. i need help but i dont believe in theraphy. i dont believe in that bullshit babble. this, right now, is what im doing to help myself. is it working...no. more ideas spring up as im writing this. more questions that have no answers. im a realist and i know nobody cares. i guess there is minor amounts of comfort in posting this. maybe someone will come along and tell me to shut the fuck up, to stop my bitching and just live. simplicity at its best. yet, its still not the answer. wandering along as usual...back to the march.

CG.

i have so much hope and feeling right now that i cant contain it in my mind, i guess venting to public scrutiny is the way to go, right? i guess thats what people are used to now.

thing is, i have been seeing someone that i find very interesting and fun. a cutie for sure and completely compatible with my horribly goofy personality. but there are walls that need to be climbed and trust that needs to be established. its a hard road to be traveling again after such a long time of nothing. the butterflies in the stomach and the desire in wanting to see the person, is all so nastalgic to me. i have been taken back to a time when i remember feeling something deep down inside of myself. its quite a feeling indeed. so new, but very familiar.

i cant help but to feel insecure about things, feel weird, and feel lonely. in my mind it feels so far from reality. like its all a dream sequence and im the lost lead. i guess im over thinking things, but i feel so confused. i dont know what to make of things anymore. with my scars and a long time out of the game of love, i feel like im in a losing battle. i am looking for a way out of my past. a way out of my lonliness and personal torment. my self destruction.

what the fuck am i trying to say? i dont know. sometimes its a good thing to just write, even if it doesnt make sense. im fucked. but being at the bottom only leaves you to go one way, up. in my own way, i have confidence in the future...and to me, thats not enough.

i will continue looking up from the hole i have dug for myself, hopefully there is enough time for me to save myself.

CG.

Hello everybody.