tears are the disease that hangs over me nearly every night i face without you near. i know of course i never had you, but we played some pretty damn righteous symphonies. I hobble along, hurt and hurting myself more everyday. I have tried ignoring the shadow, I have tried to swallow it, I have tried to face it head-on. all that seems to work is talking about it and trying to squeeze some poetry out of the syrupy mess of blood cells bubbling up through every inch of skin, some wisdom out of the mountains of almost events, of nearly glories. I look back and I see so many more jokes, more fumbles than high-five-moments.
I try to imagine someone better for me than you, if but to bring you down from the pedestal I built for you because I thought you deserved it. Someone who has lived through so much tragedy and is still joyous and working/playing hardy deserves props, no? Props, yes, but canonization? A skilled experimenter you are, but you are but a seeker like me.
But trying to imagine your better isn't quite fair to you, or humyn-kind. There is no perfect lover. You would have been an awesome one, but there are other awesome playmates out there as well, and I will not compare you. But fuck if my mind doesn't wander there anyway, to try and claim a knight to try and replace you. I don't want to replace you. I want to remember the lessons I learned from you about bravery, about beauty, about truth, and let it be okay that we will never "have" what I thought we once had ever again.
I am such a materialistic Taurus-Pig it's not even funny. Blushing and giggling and moving some big-ass mountains, but at the end of the day desiring oh so dearly to HAVE. To know something is mine. Even when I spout platitudes about how no one can "own" anything, it is usually out of a desire to "own" the image an unselfish, non-materialistic person has. When I organically come to a state of free contentment, unwanting and unpossessive, it's through a lot of boring enlightenment work. Was there a time when that work wasn't so boring? I believe those times are what keep me in the vicious chaos cycle--hooked to that feeling of high-love/wise-bliss looking for it in the equivalent to candy. Looking for fulfillment in entertainment. "Escaping" my shadow by covering my eyes or more often, glazing them over.
I try to imagine someone better for me than you, if but to bring you down from the pedestal I built for you because I thought you deserved it. Someone who has lived through so much tragedy and is still joyous and working/playing hardy deserves props, no? Props, yes, but canonization? A skilled experimenter you are, but you are but a seeker like me.
But trying to imagine your better isn't quite fair to you, or humyn-kind. There is no perfect lover. You would have been an awesome one, but there are other awesome playmates out there as well, and I will not compare you. But fuck if my mind doesn't wander there anyway, to try and claim a knight to try and replace you. I don't want to replace you. I want to remember the lessons I learned from you about bravery, about beauty, about truth, and let it be okay that we will never "have" what I thought we once had ever again.
I am such a materialistic Taurus-Pig it's not even funny. Blushing and giggling and moving some big-ass mountains, but at the end of the day desiring oh so dearly to HAVE. To know something is mine. Even when I spout platitudes about how no one can "own" anything, it is usually out of a desire to "own" the image an unselfish, non-materialistic person has. When I organically come to a state of free contentment, unwanting and unpossessive, it's through a lot of boring enlightenment work. Was there a time when that work wasn't so boring? I believe those times are what keep me in the vicious chaos cycle--hooked to that feeling of high-love/wise-bliss looking for it in the equivalent to candy. Looking for fulfillment in entertainment. "Escaping" my shadow by covering my eyes or more often, glazing them over.
chelsea:
So I read your journal, but by the end I have no response...I have felt that way before.