I decided that I shall share with you a few choice excerpts from my soon-to-be-released cookbook. It is not in recipe-by-recipe format like so many other books of this nature. Rather it goes through chapters and, if followed correctly, whatever you choose to make will be delicious and will only eat through a small fraction of your intestinal lining. This is the first in a long series of self-help books that I shall pen. I am currently in the market for a good publisher.


Let's help ourselves to some self help.


nullPrologue: Decision Thyme

A dire situation. Your stomach quakes and roars out a sound like a rusty car door opening. Are you pregnant? Sitting on a vibrating cell phone? Did a Ridley Scott-esque Alien visit you in the night and lay eggs in your belly?

Nay. Thou art hungry.

Chapter 1: Chews Wisely

A time-tested way to choose what to cook is to go through your refrigerator and check expiration dates. Two weeks more freshness? See you in 13 days, friend. You found something that expires in 15 minutes? You've got a one way ticket to flavor country, population yum.

Chapter 2: Setting the Sage

Cooking is like making love. You often regret it, it is often watched on television, and every man wants a women who is good at it or is willing to pay someone else to do it for you. Also, it is better done while listening to music. What kind you may ask? Just to keep the tone of the act, I suggest bands with food names. Some of my personal favorites: Cake, Smashing Pumpkins, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Cream. If your mouth isn't watering yet, turn those speakers up.

Chapter 10: Meat Your Maker

If you are putting whatever meat you decided to use into a sauce or other mixture, you will want to cut it into smaller pieces. A useful tip is to remember that meat is easiest to cut apart after it is cooked (or before the animal is killed, if you are lucky enough to be a part of that).

Chapter 25: Credit Where Credit is Fon-Due

When your dish has been eaten or...

I decided that I shall share with you a few choice excerpts from my soon-to-be-released cookbook. It is not in recipe-by-recipe format like so many other books of this nature. Rather it goes through chapters and, if followed correctly, whatever you choose to make will be delicious and will only eat through a small fraction of your intestinal lining. This is the first in a long series of self-help books that I shall pen. I am currently in the market for a good publisher.


Let's help ourselves to some self help.


nullPrologue: Decision Thyme

A dire situation. Your stomach quakes and roars out a sound like a rusty car door opening. Are you pregnant? Sitting on a vibrating cell phone? Did a Ridley Scott-esque Alien visit you in the night and lay eggs in your belly?

Nay. Thou art hungry.

Chapter 1: Chews Wisely

A time-tested way to choose what to cook is to go through your refrigerator and check expiration dates. Two weeks more freshness? See you in 13 days, friend. You found something that expires in 15 minutes? You've got a one way ticket to flavor country, population yum.

Chapter 2: Setting the Sage

Cooking is like making love. You often regret it, it is often watched on television, and every man wants a women who is good at it or is willing to pay someone else to do it for you. Also, it is better done while listening to music. What kind you may ask? Just to keep the tone of the act, I suggest bands with food names. Some of my personal favorites: Cake, Smashing Pumpkins, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Cream. If your mouth isn't watering yet, turn those speakers up.

Chapter 10: Meat Your Maker

If you are putting whatever meat you decided to use into a sauce or other mixture, you will want to cut it into smaller pieces. A useful tip is to remember that meat is easiest to cut apart after it is cooked (or before the animal is killed, if you are lucky enough to be a part of that).

Chapter 25: Credit Where Credit is Fon-Due

When your dish has been eaten or thoroughly suffered through, there will likely be a smoldering pile of dishes covered in whatever filth you decided to shovel into your talk-hole. Do not fret! Remember the magic words, "bite me, I cooked." Let the partakers wrinkle their hands in their mess. This is assuming that you had friends to share food with, of course.

Fin


I hope you enjoyed these excerpts.

There certainly were a lot of hyphens in that