I had to most amazing weekend in years. Went to Dallas and was surrounded by music and laughter and lots of love. Can't wait til I get to go back. I can't wait til I get to see him again.....

What's up bitches?! My friend got me my old account back. So what's been up with every body. Far too much with me to even go back and recount. So ask me what you will. And tell me what's good with you!

Things are totally looking up. I got a job, new friends, and I get to keep my house! I had originally planned to move to Tyler, but housing is apparently a bitch. But fortunalty, I've gotten to be good friends with this dude down here that does photography for the bands and what not. He and his former room mate couldn't afford to keep their apartment due to a whole lot of reasons.

So me and Caleb tried to get an apartment in Tyler but that didn't work out. I was semi paniced and just kinda was working shit out in my head. Then it finally dawned on me. Between the two of us, we can totally keep the house that I already live in. That I've busted my ass on and was so broken hearted over loosing.

So that's awesome. Going to a show in Fort Worth next week which is also awesome. I promise lots of pictures. And James! you better bring your butt out to see Faktion again AND see Neverset and meet my boy Kyle.

I love it when little kids curse. The younger the kid and the dirtier the better. That's why I make an awesome aunt and baby sitter. Here's some videos I got from Otep's blog that made me laugh my mother fucking ass off. And if you've seen my ass, you know that's a lot of laughing.

So what's new with me. I am running around like crazy putting in applications at every place that I can work at that doesn't require a degree. So far, after doing this about every single day for two weeks, I've gotten no call backs.

I know, its a tough market out there and blah blah blah. But I've only got until May to get going on my own or its back with one of my parents or my sister. Lame.

I had a very indept and insightful conversations with my favorite-est boy in the world, Raul, on Saturday. Which made me go "hmm," so I had a card reading done. Now, think what you will, but whatever. Basically, it said that now is not a time to push with anything. Its okay to have fun whatever, but nothing serious. I've got to get out and have experiances with other people and what not before I even consider a relationship.

Yeah, that's kinda a duh thing. I need to go out and be act like I'm in my twenties. But I just wanted to know. I'm not ready for anything and he lives a long ass way away right now. So its not logicial for the time being. I just wanted to know. I love him unlike any one else. He gets me. He likes me cuz I'm weird and random.

So, who knows. I take it all with a grain of salt. The cards say that, in the end, it'll happen. I'll believe that when I see it. I'm a total skeptic for a believer. And he's an opptamstic realist. We make a pair.

Heck yeah! My friend Zech is coming to see me when he gets done with basic training!! And we're going to act out high school fantasies never touched upon. Take that Daniel Stover!

Lay over from a Facebook tag. Thought I'd put it on here just for the hell of it.

25 Things About Me!!!!


1.I fall into obsession more then I fall into love. I think its love to start out with, but get very bored a whole lot faster then I should. I only ever actually really loved one person in that "real" way. Its not the person that I just got out a relationship with either. For the longest time I didn't know what had became of him and he popped back into my life for a little while, but I don't know, I guess its just not ment to be.

2. Nine times out of ten I will like you back if you like me, but only if its in a non oogie way or if you aren't a total cunt. I still find it incrediable that anyone would ever want me in any way, shape, or form.

3.I'm a paranormal investigator. I never had a life changing experiance that made me go out and get into it like every one else's cliche. I've always wanted to believe that there was something more to this world and I'm willing to go out and see for myself. I don't always believe though. Pretty much, I'm not convinced of anything until I experiance it for myself.

4. If I were a man (and a fictional character) I would be some sort of incarnation of Dean Winchester.

5. I still want to be a rock star. I pretty much walked away from all my hopes and dreams to move in and be with the person I just ended a relationship with. But when I think about how much I wish I were just making music, I hurt.

6.I'm just now being okay about doing girly type stuff again. For the longest time I wanted to be that tough chick that was able to keep up with any one and I wouldn't do it. But now, I can still kick your ass but I get pedicures and buy pretty dresses. I've embraced my inner goddess and she's probably Hindu with many, many arms for all her aspects.

7. Since I can't write like I used to, I've become some what of an emotional wreck. I hate it and I don't really have someone I can really let it all out with that really understands that lives close by. So unfortunatly, a lot of my friends have had to deal with my break downs when it all builds up.So, thanks for putting up with my bullshit.

8. I think people that ask for autographs are fucking weird. I would rather chill out with an artist or athlete or whatever that I liked and just be "hey I really enjoy what you do,". I won't take a picture with someone famous (either massively or just on the local circut) either unless we're chillin after a show or something.

9. I will do anything and everything for the people that really matter to me. Be it putting a roof over your head, buying you ice cream when you're sick, or driving hours and hours just to give you a hug and be there for you when its rough. I stand by my convictions.

10. I really wish for once, someone would be like that ^ for me.

11.I doubt myself and I hate to say it, but I need constant validation and reassurance any more. It only started after I moved out of my parents' house and started spending a lot of time alone and in my head.

12. Working on engines really does calm me down.

13. So does ridding on my bike.

14. I really wish I had never gotten into that relationship I just got out of. I wish that I could have met another friend of mine first. I can't be so sure, but I feel like things might have been better had something played out there.

15. Some times, all I really want to do is sit in the dark in my bed watching an obscure, cheesey, or artsy movie with someone and lay my head on them. Nothing more.

16.I can help everyone else out with their problems, but I can't with my own.

17. Even though I'm a little person, I usually like my guys kinda tall with nice shoulders. I hate being vunerable, but sometimes, its nice to just be engulfed by someone.

18. I'm bisexual. Its not for trendy purposes or to be shocking and wild. I've always been this way, just in massive denial of it because I was told for so long that that sort of thing was wrong. I don't flaunt it, but I don't hide it. Its a part of who I am, and if you don't like it, well that's just part of your unfortunate bigotry.

19. I hate the cold. But I love Colorado. I guess its just that the cold around here is bitter and there's no snow or anything beautiful about it.

20. I'm a tree hugging dirt worshipper. I'm also a huge animal nut. If you've been to my house, you know this.

21. I love to cook.

22. I can get so stressed some times that I make myself physically ill.

23. I some times have panic attacks when I'm trying on clothes. I don't know why.

24. I still consider my grandpa as the best friend I ever had.

25. I hope that one day that someone will see me for who I truly am, let me know how they really feel, and love me for who I am not who they want me to be or what I look like.

Not too, too much to report on. I realized that I hadn't shared this with you guys.....



I got it done in November. I have yet to get the other one done cuz I'm not real good with needles. The pain doesn't get to me. Its just the needle. I've had a thing about it since I was a kid.

That picture was taken at a post-Christmas UFC party where I drank a whole bottle of wine and tried to make out with a boy I went to school with just because he was the only other non-married person there. AND he wouldn't! What the hell? lol.

This was my sister after her own respectible bottle of wine and some Hot Damn 100

Um, nothing else to really report on. Just being kinda random. Should have my bike put back together tomorrow and hopefully me and my dad can go on a ride this weekend.

Only other thing I can think of is if any body in the Tyler,TX area may want to go to a show at Clicks on the 13th of next month. Don't give a shit if I know you already or not. I love making new friends at shows and my current friends are total home bodies any more. So yeah, you guys want to see The Dreaming, meet me at Clicks.

I've been given an ultimatum today. I've been split up from my boyfriend since September. I've been desperatly trying to find a job and a room mate since then so I can stay in my house and not loose basically everything that I've worked for since I moved out on my own. So far, it hasn't worked out for me. Been still living with the ex in seperate bedrooms and what not since.

Today it came to a head. He gave me until May to get my shit together and basically he's cutting me off and leaving. I guess most people find our living situation as odd. But I gave up everything to be with him. I'm scared shitless because I have nothing left. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I feel like such a fucking faliure.

Why does the one person that actually gets me have to live eight hours away? I finally got him back as a friend because that stupid cunt of a girlfriend cheated on him. And all I want to do is hold on to him and spend days just hole up talking to him.

What little bit I have talked to him, I've just let everything fly. I don't like to call him though. I don't want to be a bother. I email him and whatever on facebook. Its kinda a cowardly way of doing things. But I've just got knocked on my ass and he has too. So I'm trying to mind my boundaries.

But at the same time, I keep saying things. I want him to know, at least on a platonic level, how much he means to me. I want to coddle him and and pick him back up from the ashes. Let him know that there are people that care about him. That he doesn't deserve the hurting he's going through. That his mind and his heart are the reasons I care about him. That I'm there for him no matter what and I'm not just saying that as an attempt to get into his pants.

The sexual aspect, its nice. Its no secret that I'm attracted to him. We've had our kisses and whatever. I like them. Its fun. But if it were all gone tomorrow, I wouldn't care. Its the content of his character and the fact that I can talk to him and not have to explain myself that really matters to me.

I'm scared shitless that everything I say has the potential of scaring him off. People leave me so easily. I'm getting that complex that I'm easily thrown away. People swoop in, use me for what they want, and then I never hear from them again. Maybe they pop up a few more times, but its always the same results.

I don't know if my heart could take having him leave my life a third time.