It's a long walk home
Current mood: fucked


The end of a four day weekend can really kill your mood. And to think that you might have wasted the free time on nothing. I did really nothing. I stared at the television, stared at the computer, stared at my PSP, and still I haven't accomplished a damn thing. And you know all the complaining I have made about wanting to leave here, I don't even want to go back to Korea either. I mean there are things Im looking forward to being there, but there is so much bullshit I forgot about before. Like how I am constantly stressed out from work and I never have enough time to do anything I like. It's going to be cold as hell in the mornings when I have to ride a bike to work at 6am. But at least there's a little more excitement there than here at the ST. Roberts, MO wallmart.

It's definately time for a change. I don't know what its going to be yet. I just need to lift all the weight off my shoulders. I'm through with the monotony. Because shit doesn't have to be permenant all the time. I don't have to sit back anymore and just think about what I'm going to say. I want to speak freely and say something even if its not cool to say or just plain rude. I'm tired of being afraid. I can't even keep a conversation on the telephone. I feel fucking boring. I don't want to laugh at your jokes, because they are not funny. I don't want to smile because I feel I have too. And those experiences where people show you pictures of their kids or their wives, what the hell do you want me to say? "oh that's the cutest thing I have ever seen", "She is really beautiful, yer a lucky guy". No way, not anymore. I have to speak the truth. "your kid looks generic and ugly like every other baby picture I've seen in my life", "your wife is so fat! You need to stop feeding her so much, besides she is fucking your...

It's a long walk home
Current mood: fucked


The end of a four day weekend can really kill your mood. And to think that you might have wasted the free time on nothing. I did really nothing. I stared at the television, stared at the computer, stared at my PSP, and still I haven't accomplished a damn thing. And you know all the complaining I have made about wanting to leave here, I don't even want to go back to Korea either. I mean there are things Im looking forward to being there, but there is so much bullshit I forgot about before. Like how I am constantly stressed out from work and I never have enough time to do anything I like. It's going to be cold as hell in the mornings when I have to ride a bike to work at 6am. But at least there's a little more excitement there than here at the ST. Roberts, MO wallmart.

It's definately time for a change. I don't know what its going to be yet. I just need to lift all the weight off my shoulders. I'm through with the monotony. Because shit doesn't have to be permenant all the time. I don't have to sit back anymore and just think about what I'm going to say. I want to speak freely and say something even if its not cool to say or just plain rude. I'm tired of being afraid. I can't even keep a conversation on the telephone. I feel fucking boring. I don't want to laugh at your jokes, because they are not funny. I don't want to smile because I feel I have too. And those experiences where people show you pictures of their kids or their wives, what the hell do you want me to say? "oh that's the cutest thing I have ever seen", "She is really beautiful, yer a lucky guy". No way, not anymore. I have to speak the truth. "your kid looks generic and ugly like every other baby picture I've seen in my life", "your wife is so fat! You need to stop feeding her so much, besides she is fucking your best friend while you are on deployment". So that is real life. I have to stop letting people influence my feelings and just do what's right for once. Being afraid to stand up for myself in fear of what someone thinks. And everyone speaks as if this is easy! It's not, because you always find yourself speaking what others want to hear.

My thinking isn't as negative as it sounds. But I want to be human. I want to be a child again, where the things I see are what they are. Before you "learned" how to keep your emotions under control. Im not saying I want to walk around like a time bomb exploding in crazy emotions because I feel like it. But make life more honest. If you could truly say how you feel about a person, it might do some good. So Im going to stop painting a picture of what I feel you should see, I want to be the real me.

The latest news with me, nothing really. I wake up early tomorrow and play soldier in the cold for the next 4 days. It might do me some good and keep me away from technology for awhile. I've become so used to relying on my phone and computer that I've forgotten birthdays of people I care about. My dad had to remind me of his about a week later. I know that sucks, because he sure wouldn't forget mine. I bought some stamps and postcards too, but theyre still sitting on my desk with nothing written on them. Family and friends who took the time to write and send me something are now getting nothing from me. I just ran out of time. My nights sitting in the guard tower I have to think about them, just hope they understand how busy it gets when you have a busy mind. I could be anywhere but always feel that another place could be better. There is always a bigger and better party than the one you are currently at. And the music doesn't suck as bad. And just maybe you could be the coolest person there.

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