Pretty much my life right now I wish I could find a big sign and do this but the air is cold and the snow is just melting so I would freeze.
More later, for now I must work!

This pretty much sums up my thoughts on life. Thanks Papa Hemingway for reminding me of my own determination and passions.
fuck luck. i'm too determined to fail.
ps- I'm thinking this may be my next tattoo

I'm not sure how I feel about this year. One is supposed to sit back and think about everything that happened- good and bad- and talk about how much they learned.
Personally, I think that is shit.
This year was difficult, to say the least. It broke me down, wore me out, and I am still reeling from it. I'm not sure I learned anything. I'm not even sure I'm looking forward to 2013.
I'm looking forward to being happy and whole again.
Or something like it anyway.

Baby!
I have had you.
Also, with your amazing ability to scream I do believe you should sing lead for a metal band in the future. Just sayin'

The Doctor in the OB center I am having Avery at told me I could play whatever music I like while I am there.
I'm pretty sure he thought I would pick something classical or Sigur Ros like.
of course I would pick this band :|



My poor child is going to have anger issues.

Oh, and I still can't believe how big I am getting. I took this picture as I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror (before a shower). Dear Odin, I really am having a baby.

Confession:
Every Sunday I listen to Bluegrass. I've been trying to figure out why and I think I finally understand it. My father was a pastor when I was a child. I spent most of my Sundays in a small country church ( like 30 people) listening to people plucking away on a banjo, guitar, mandolin and an old, beat up piano. Everyone at this church was in their late 50's and up...Old timers who could still chop wood, kick ass and knew the value of life.

I would spend my Sunday afternoons with my sister and brother exploring the woods, catching crawfish in the creek, snakes in the tall grass, picking apples, throwing snowballs and hunting for Bigfoot. Sometimes we'd explore buildings that had been abandoned for years.

There is something spectacular about sitting on the wooden steps of an old church and eating apples you just picked from the tree across the dirt road.

So yeah, I'm probably more of a redneck than I would care to admit but I am okay with that

it's one of those days when I am so incredibly thankful to have people in my life who care.
Even when they don't live as close as I would like :]

你好吗?
不好.
fuck.

I went through some of my older short stories today.
(It is a cold and rainy sort of day. The kind that you fall in love with for a few minutes and end up cursing for hours. )
I ended up throwing out a lot of the stories. Some of them were too confusing, others had no real direction and the rest just plain sucked. It is weird sorting through stories that I once thought were wonderful but now find embarrassing. I wonder if this happens with other sorts of art forms- do painters always love their work? Photographers never cringe at their pictures? Maybe writers will always be slightly insecure. Or maybe that is just me. It doesn't matter how many times I get published or how many people tell me they love what I do. I will always question it and try to do something a little better the next time. A little different.

I got some worrying medical news regarding my pregnancy. Well, I suppose it isn't news as the doctor only told me what I was told before. My daughter will be fine but I may not. I was told, nicely, to think about who I would want to care for my daughter in the event that I "passed away" (It is okay, Mr. Doctor. You can say death.) I've only told 1 person about this in my "real" day to day life. I haven't even told her father. It was curious. I felt as if I should have fear or that I should break down crying but I didn't. I listened, talked back and went home. When I got home I went through my stories. I wondered why I kept so much crap around. Why did I convince myself I would like it? That I would use it? I would need it? I should have concentrated on what was good, not on hoarding all this crap.

I should have done the same in my own life. I still should. There is no point in keeping the crap that drags you down. There is no point in holding hands with those that aren't good for you. There is just no point in it.

I don't know what will happen. I don't know. But I do know that I'm not just going to stop at throwing out crappy stories.


你好吗?
很 好.

So homesick today.
I miss Chengdu and I really can't wait until I can go back again, even if it just for a few months.

I woke up this morning feeling kind of shitty and sad but then I realized " what the hell is the point?"
answer: there was none.
So I am off to finish some orders, listen to Bluegrass and drink iced tea out of a mason jar.