nothing important to say really.
not really much different in the feelings department
sadly.
i wish things were just a little bit easier.
and a little bit clearer
and people sucked a little bit less
and "friends" didn't let you down
and people were honest
and the words would come when i need them to
and that i had a little bit of courage
just a little bit...
not really much different in the feelings department
sadly.
i wish things were just a little bit easier.
and a little bit clearer
and people sucked a little bit less
and "friends" didn't let you down
and people were honest
and the words would come when i need them to
and that i had a little bit of courage
just a little bit...
why the fuck don't i listen to my gut feelings?!?!?!
why the fuck am i so stupid and blind?!?!
does being in love with someone do that to you seriously?!?!
if it does i want out right now!!!!
and i don't want to feel it again.
ever.
if love can make my heart hurt this bad and make me cry this many tears i want no part of it.
seriously.
i can't take it anymore.
it's not worth it. to give your heart to someone. and trust them to protect it. no people do not deserve trust. men in general do not deserve trust. not mine anyway.
fuck this day.
it's the fucking worst when you cry all fucking day over an asshole that you know you shouldn't be crying over but you can't help it. and the sickest part of all?!?!?
I STILL FUCKING LOVE HIM. with all of my heart. i feel so stupid and used and pathetic. i would like to die now. thanks for letting me rant.
why the fuck am i so stupid and blind?!?!
does being in love with someone do that to you seriously?!?!
if it does i want out right now!!!!
and i don't want to feel it again.
ever.
if love can make my heart hurt this bad and make me cry this many tears i want no part of it.
seriously.
i can't take it anymore.
it's not worth it. to give your heart to someone. and trust them to protect it. no people do not deserve trust. men in general do not deserve trust. not mine anyway.
fuck this day.
it's the fucking worst when you cry all fucking day over an asshole that you know you shouldn't be crying over but you can't help it. and the sickest part of all?!?!?
I STILL FUCKING LOVE HIM. with all of my heart. i feel so stupid and used and pathetic. i would like to die now. thanks for letting me rant.
it's been said...
now i don't know if it's true or not...
that when a boy does something super sweet and unexpected that he's doing it because he feels guilty about something else....
any truth behind this?
any thoughts?
opinions?
i know it like depends on the situation and the relationship you have and stuff. but just general stuff. or personal experiences..any insight really..
thanks
-kate
now i don't know if it's true or not...
that when a boy does something super sweet and unexpected that he's doing it because he feels guilty about something else....
any truth behind this?
any thoughts?
opinions?
i know it like depends on the situation and the relationship you have and stuff. but just general stuff. or personal experiences..any insight really..
thanks
-kate
i rarely post blogs. and they usually aren't very personal. and usually are very random and mostly short. this is different. i posted it in my blog on myspace.
mommy's little sick girl. yeah that's pretty much me. this is gonna be fucked up and probably end up sounding like a suicide note or something retarded. believe me it's not. i'm a fucking coward and couldn't go through with it if i wanted to. so don't worry. if you were that is. haha. highly unlikely i'm sure.
i'm at the point right now where i have no one. i mean literally no one to turn to anymore. no one to trust. no one to talk to. no one to talk to me. no one to care. no one to care about. it's wearing me pretty damn thin. i hardly eat. either i don't sleep at all or i sleep for like 14 hours straight. i look a mess. i work too much. drink too much. cry too much.
i'm 2nd choice. never am i anyone's number one. i dunno if i ever actually have been anyone's number one. i'm easily forgotten. by anyone. outta sight outta mind. yeah that's me.
the reason this is titled mommy's little sick girl is because my mom was the last person i had. she didn't die or anything huge like that. but i just realized something. i'm second choice for her too. it's just me my mom and my little sister. we were all super super close. always doing stuff together and laughing and just having fun. now things are different and i'm lost.
it's so hard to type this bitch because i'm crying while i'm typing so my vision is blurred and my head fucked. sorry if it's a jumbled mess.
anyway i can't get into it in a blog and explain it clearly but i'll at least say this. she said and did something to me yesterday that made me realize that nothing i do or say or whatever will ever be enough. i'll never be good enough.not for her or anyone else. she was in the hospital for 4 days with acute asthmatic bronchitis. in normal people words she couldn't catch her breath. she was on oxygen and a heart monitor. and all this other crazy shit. i was there all four days. in between work shifts and taking care of things at home. i was there. she got home and i did all the work round the house and did everything for her. the only thing she could say is "have you heard from your sister?" "she's not home. i wish she was home" "i could have died why didn't she come to see me?" and while yeah all of that is fine and stuff. fucked up but you know fine for her to be thinking about and be worried about. but step into my shoes for a minute. i'm not asking for like the best daughter award or anything. i know i'm far from. but everything i said and did was so overlooked and taken for granted it made me feel like nothing. like i'm worthless. like the things i do don't really mean anything. not to her or to anyone.
it's in me. to be a fuck up. to never do anything right. to not say what i mean. to have so many regrets. not really about doing stuff but about NOT doing stuff. not saying things. not doing things. i feel like i'm wasting away and i'm wasting my days away. but i don't see the point in trying if now i know it'll never be good enough for anyone. there's no one to love me for me. even though i'm full of imperfections and sadness, hurt and loneliness, guilt and anger. i can't stop it and i can't fix it.
and i know i'll get messages and texts from people yelling at me for posting this and telling me that i should know that they'll always be there for me. bullshit. not one person has been. no thats a lie one person in this fucked up world has been there but thats another story entirely and if you knew that story you would know why there's more pain in that than happiness. but people online can tell you that all they want. who cares? i don't know you and you don't know me. people i thought were friends call me when they need something. never just to say hi or to see how i am. or to hang out. or anything "friends" do. i've been there when anyone has needed me. you'd think when you really needed them that they would return the favor yes? no. i've learned that the hard way.
i'll stop this now cuz it's long and my chest is going to explode any minute.
mommy's little sick girl. yeah that's pretty much me. this is gonna be fucked up and probably end up sounding like a suicide note or something retarded. believe me it's not. i'm a fucking coward and couldn't go through with it if i wanted to. so don't worry. if you were that is. haha. highly unlikely i'm sure.
i'm at the point right now where i have no one. i mean literally no one to turn to anymore. no one to trust. no one to talk to. no one to talk to me. no one to care. no one to care about. it's wearing me pretty damn thin. i hardly eat. either i don't sleep at all or i sleep for like 14 hours straight. i look a mess. i work too much. drink too much. cry too much.
i'm 2nd choice. never am i anyone's number one. i dunno if i ever actually have been anyone's number one. i'm easily forgotten. by anyone. outta sight outta mind. yeah that's me.
the reason this is titled mommy's little sick girl is because my mom was the last person i had. she didn't die or anything huge like that. but i just realized something. i'm second choice for her too. it's just me my mom and my little sister. we were all super super close. always doing stuff together and laughing and just having fun. now things are different and i'm lost.
it's so hard to type this bitch because i'm crying while i'm typing so my vision is blurred and my head fucked. sorry if it's a jumbled mess.
anyway i can't get into it in a blog and explain it clearly but i'll at least say this. she said and did something to me yesterday that made me realize that nothing i do or say or whatever will ever be enough. i'll never be good enough.not for her or anyone else. she was in the hospital for 4 days with acute asthmatic bronchitis. in normal people words she couldn't catch her breath. she was on oxygen and a heart monitor. and all this other crazy shit. i was there all four days. in between work shifts and taking care of things at home. i was there. she got home and i did all the work round the house and did everything for her. the only thing she could say is "have you heard from your sister?" "she's not home. i wish she was home" "i could have died why didn't she come to see me?" and while yeah all of that is fine and stuff. fucked up but you know fine for her to be thinking about and be worried about. but step into my shoes for a minute. i'm not asking for like the best daughter award or anything. i know i'm far from. but everything i said and did was so overlooked and taken for granted it made me feel like nothing. like i'm worthless. like the things i do don't really mean anything. not to her or to anyone.
it's in me. to be a fuck up. to never do anything right. to not say what i mean. to have so many regrets. not really about doing stuff but about NOT doing stuff. not saying things. not doing things. i feel like i'm wasting away and i'm wasting my days away. but i don't see the point in trying if now i know it'll never be good enough for anyone. there's no one to love me for me. even though i'm full of imperfections and sadness, hurt and loneliness, guilt and anger. i can't stop it and i can't fix it.
and i know i'll get messages and texts from people yelling at me for posting this and telling me that i should know that they'll always be there for me. bullshit. not one person has been. no thats a lie one person in this fucked up world has been there but thats another story entirely and if you knew that story you would know why there's more pain in that than happiness. but people online can tell you that all they want. who cares? i don't know you and you don't know me. people i thought were friends call me when they need something. never just to say hi or to see how i am. or to hang out. or anything "friends" do. i've been there when anyone has needed me. you'd think when you really needed them that they would return the favor yes? no. i've learned that the hard way.
i'll stop this now cuz it's long and my chest is going to explode any minute.
i really wish i was a stronger person.
ever get those days that after something horrible happens you finally think you see the light at the end of the tunnel. you feel strong. and like you can take on the world. and that no one can hurt you anymore?
i get those. but they only last for a day. if that.
then the next day it's like a "relapse" and i go back to being a wimpy little shy girl that cries too much.
fucked up i tell you.
ever get those days that after something horrible happens you finally think you see the light at the end of the tunnel. you feel strong. and like you can take on the world. and that no one can hurt you anymore?
i get those. but they only last for a day. if that.
then the next day it's like a "relapse" and i go back to being a wimpy little shy girl that cries too much.
fucked up i tell you.
well i'm done with boys for now. i hate pretty much all of them. why do they lie so much? and make me cry? sucks. 
well i'm boyfriendless and friendless. completely. blows. ah well. finally i have a day off tomorrow. i work so much. but i'm kind of glad. it keeps me busy and it's so much easier to keep my mind off of all the bad shit when i'm busy. so i'm not really upset about working every single day. i'm a little tired though. i will need to keep myself busy without work tomorrow! yay! can do some of the things i've been meaning to do but haven't had the time to do. so i'm sad and hurt and upset but i think i might finally be ready to move on. i need to pick up the pieces and just be alone for a while i think. i need to figure some shit out.
</3 me
well i'm boyfriendless and friendless. completely. blows. ah well. finally i have a day off tomorrow. i work so much. but i'm kind of glad. it keeps me busy and it's so much easier to keep my mind off of all the bad shit when i'm busy. so i'm not really upset about working every single day. i'm a little tired though. i will need to keep myself busy without work tomorrow! yay! can do some of the things i've been meaning to do but haven't had the time to do. so i'm sad and hurt and upset but i think i might finally be ready to move on. i need to pick up the pieces and just be alone for a while i think. i need to figure some shit out.</3 me
feelin better. thankfully. last two weeks of dec. and the whole month of jan. totally sucked. now they're over and it's time to not let things get to me so much anymore. i dunno how not to but i'm gonna try at least. i tend to over think everything. if i can let up on that a little bit i will be good to go i think. retarded blog i know. but it's sort of an update. half-assed or no. will post again soon.
kate
kate
i officially hate both boys and girls.
i haven't trusted a word a girl has said to me in about 6 or 7 years.
just started trusting one recently. (not fully of course but i talked to her more than any girl since a friend i had when i was 14)
and she just betrayed me like hardcore.
and it involves my bf. it's a long complicated story but thats the main part of it. he says it's not true. and i definitely believe him over her anyday but i can't help feeling shitty about it still. bad day yesterday. and doesn't look like it will be much better today. i have to work till 10 tonight. i dunno if i can make it. feels like i've been smacked in the fucking face with a 2x4.
i'm going to become a fucking nun.
kate
i haven't trusted a word a girl has said to me in about 6 or 7 years.
just started trusting one recently. (not fully of course but i talked to her more than any girl since a friend i had when i was 14)
and she just betrayed me like hardcore.
and it involves my bf. it's a long complicated story but thats the main part of it. he says it's not true. and i definitely believe him over her anyday but i can't help feeling shitty about it still. bad day yesterday. and doesn't look like it will be much better today. i have to work till 10 tonight. i dunno if i can make it. feels like i've been smacked in the fucking face with a 2x4.
i'm going to become a fucking nun.
kate
i'm still sick!! i started feelin sick on thanksgiving! i can't get rid of this stupid cold! it sucks so badly. this is just a stupid ranting blog i'm sorry but i need a place to vent! and it's my blog anyway so really it doesn't matter! haha god i'm dumb. today was a self-loathing day for me. not by choice! it just happens that way for me sometimes. never fun and i hate being around others when i get like it cuz i don't wanna bring anyone else down with me and it makes me hate myself even more when i do make someone else upset cuz i'm in a shitty mood. sorry if this doesn't make sense. lol i rarely do make any sense anyway so oh well. maybe i'll start doing this more often cuz i feel a little better now.
<3 me
my rat terrier Mia. cutie
<3 me
my rat terrier Mia. cutie
dude. i still fucking suck at this site! but it's cuz i'm hardly ever online anymore i think. lol or maybe i just suck at it period! who knows. if you add me on myspace you'll speak to me more! i can actually work that site. 
i'm retarded i know. i can't help it. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! i won't be on here to say it tomorrow cuz i get to work! yay me! 8am too! fuck. that's gonna suck. oh well.
<3 kate
i'm retarded i know. i can't help it. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! i won't be on here to say it tomorrow cuz i get to work! yay me! 8am too! fuck. that's gonna suck. oh well. <3 kate
