A long time ago, I knew this girl, whom I'll call "H." Well, looking back, I don't think I ever really knew her at all. Afterall, how can you know someone when they don't even know themselves? Allow me to explain if you will.

We met at our place of mutual employ, a movie theater in Washington state. H seemed like a great person. She had a good sense of humor, was easy to talk to, pleasant to look at, and was always just herself. And to top it all off, she liked me, and I liked her. We'd hang out after work, somtimes at her house, sometimes at my appartment, sometimes out in public. But as fate would have it, I was presented with a great job oppotunity in Oklahoma and moved away.

And yet, we stayed in contact through the mail and long phone converstations. We even started dating long distance (which, despite what you've heard, really can work - kinda). H got a better job, too,and came out to see me a couple of times. She lost her virginity to me during one trip. I was so taken with her, and I really wanted to be with her. I was under the impression that she was "the one." So I proposed to her and decided to move back to Washington to be with her in one fell swoop. I walked away from the job of my dreams on what seemed like a sure thing.

Things were great for about a month or so with her. We shared an appartment, and planned to be married in the fall. Despite the Oklahoma job being a fantastic showing on my resume, the market for that kind of job was flooded back in Washington. Undeterred, I moved on to another field. This wasn't good enough for her. Hmmm, her materialism is starting to shine through. I'll just let it go. Everyone has a flaw or two, right?

When I introduced H to my friends, they weren't exactly taken with her. I guess the fact that she got sloppy drunk and puked on my best friend's Monopoly board didn't exactly endear her to them. Well, that and the fact that she picked not only at their flaws and shortcomings, but mine...

A long time ago, I knew this girl, whom I'll call "H." Well, looking back, I don't think I ever really knew her at all. Afterall, how can you know someone when they don't even know themselves? Allow me to explain if you will.

We met at our place of mutual employ, a movie theater in Washington state. H seemed like a great person. She had a good sense of humor, was easy to talk to, pleasant to look at, and was always just herself. And to top it all off, she liked me, and I liked her. We'd hang out after work, somtimes at her house, sometimes at my appartment, sometimes out in public. But as fate would have it, I was presented with a great job oppotunity in Oklahoma and moved away.

And yet, we stayed in contact through the mail and long phone converstations. We even started dating long distance (which, despite what you've heard, really can work - kinda). H got a better job, too,and came out to see me a couple of times. She lost her virginity to me during one trip. I was so taken with her, and I really wanted to be with her. I was under the impression that she was "the one." So I proposed to her and decided to move back to Washington to be with her in one fell swoop. I walked away from the job of my dreams on what seemed like a sure thing.

Things were great for about a month or so with her. We shared an appartment, and planned to be married in the fall. Despite the Oklahoma job being a fantastic showing on my resume, the market for that kind of job was flooded back in Washington. Undeterred, I moved on to another field. This wasn't good enough for her. Hmmm, her materialism is starting to shine through. I'll just let it go. Everyone has a flaw or two, right?

When I introduced H to my friends, they weren't exactly taken with her. I guess the fact that she got sloppy drunk and puked on my best friend's Monopoly board didn't exactly endear her to them. Well, that and the fact that she picked not only at their flaws and shortcomings, but mine as well. To the point of bitter obnoxiousness. Something I hadn't really noticed until they'd pointed it out. Yeah, she's got a dark sense of humor, but bitter and mean? Really? Well, crap. Maybe we can work on that together, H and I, in our future. Silly me, thinking I could change someone...

H had self image issues, too. She hated the way she looked. I mean, she couldn't stand herself. She hated her body. She hated her hair. She hated... well, pretty much every aspect of her personality. Yet, she carried on, putting up a front of self superiority to everyone. Despite hating herself so much, she was convinced that she was the greatest being who'd ever lived. Outwardly she was confident, cool, and funny. But deep down she was bitter, jaded, hateful and downright mean. How this wasn't a huge, pulsating, bright neon WARNING sign to me then, I can't explain. Love is deaf, dumb, and blind.

My parents couldn't stand her. That only made me like her more. My friends wanted nothing to do with her at all. Well, they'll get over it when we're married, right? Right?

Things went from bad to worse when we started hanging out pretty much exclusively with her brother and his new wife. My friends weren't cool enough for her, I guess. Anyway, her brother, C, had just gotten out of the Marines and had married a painfully obvious gold-digging wife with four kids that weren't his (and none of which who had the same father, I might add). Whatever. He was happy, and who the fuck was I to point out his mistake? Anyway, H took a serious liking to her new sister-in-law. They would leave C and I at the house to go on a beer run, and show back up three or four hours later. Literally.

I was really starting to fall out of love with H. Everything was starting to ring on my brain, and I was startint to put two and two together.

After leaving her brother and I together with the kids for the umteenth time on a beer run with her sister-in-law, I finally asked H point blank if she was sleeping with her sister-in-law. She said she wasn't, and tried to laugh it off. But her protestations seemed hollow, especially when she blushed at the question. H never blushed. Ever.

More and more often, I found myself miserable in H's company. We agrued almost constantly, usually over the fact that I wasn't perfect, had a lousy job, and didn't make her happy. Her own sister once told me that I deserved better than H. When she started making plans on the weekends to hang out with her sister-in-law while I did...whatever, I came to realize that H and I were never to be, and was trying to think of a way to get out. But fate interveined and made me the villan instead.

H found my journal. And in the pages of my journal were the names of former lovers. And, I'm truly ashamed to admit now, there were quite a few of them. Now H knew I wasn't as pure as the driven snow when we'd met. But I did lie to her about how many girls I'd slept with. Why would I lie about that? Because I didn't want her to think less of me because I used to let my dick do my thinking for me. Is that any type of excuse for lying? Certainly not. All I can say is that it made sense at the time.

H flipped out and threw me out of her appartment that night. As I drove to my best friend's house to crash on his couch, deep down I was relieved. Deeply, truly and sincerley relieved. Despite the fact that I didn't really have a place to live, I felt free for the first time in over a year. I moved on with my life, trying to get over H and the year I had wasted with her.

But apparently, my cold villany stuck in her craw. For when I stumbled across her profile here and saw her answer to the "I Lost My Virginity" question, it all came back to me. A part of my life that I am still unable to explain or understand . A year that I had let go of, put to bed, and come to terms with a long, long time ago. Her answer?

I Lost My Virginity to someone who didn't deserve me.

But you know what? You're absolutely right, H. I didn't deserve you. In fact, I can think of few that do deserve you. Truth to be told, I deserved much better. And I eventually found it. And somewhere along the way, I found the self acceptance and self respect that neither of us had back then.

Despite our colored past, H, I truly do hope you find whatever it is that you're looking for. And I hope you find peace with yourself someday. Irregardless of how things turned out between us, and beyond what you may think of this journal entry, I really wish you no ill-will and don't hold anything against you. We were just wrong for each other, no harm, no foul. Shit happens, and everyone makes mistakes.

There comes a time when you have to put your past away. One needs to let go of all the wrongs others brought against you, and all the wrongs you brought agains others. You are a better person than you give yourself credit for, H. And you're a better person than you allowed yourself to be. And I even have to thank you for that time. Because if it hadn't all happened, I wouldn't be where I am now, and I wouldn't be the person I am now. I look back and can see the good that came from the bad. Do you see it, too?