yesterday was my two year wedding anniversary. it was all fine and good until i got a text from joe last night. it wasn't an awful or spiteful text, in a way it's thoughtfulness was worse than spite. spite i would have handled better. he opened with, "happy anniversary, lol." and from there he went on about how i seem happy now and he is glad for me and that in a way he will always love me because i was a lot of firsts in his life and then he ended by using an old pet name for me that i thought had gone the way of the dinosaur a long time ago. he was trying to be nice. i was sure he would have forgotten it was our anniversary. this was one of those things where, though it was nice that he remembered, it would have been much nicer if he had not sent anything at all and left me alone. thank god he didn't call. needless to say i didn't send him a message in response. silence was the most appropriate thing i could come up with. got a doctors appointment on monday, these headaches i've been getting are ridiculous and last most of the day. i'm kind of depressed lately and my everything hurts. see my shrink on monday as well. i have a few things to do today, including, but not limited to the purchasing of a garbage can with a lid for the bathroom. alpha (the little orange cat) likes to knock over my current waste basket and drag out cotton balls so he can shred them into tiny pieces and chase them all over the house. he's pesky like that. i don't feel like my blogs have been very good lately, most of them consist of "i'm never home" and "i don't feel good." but that is the state i'm in right now i guess. hopefully things will start to look up again soon. was the optimism just now? *ruler to knuckles* shame on me.
my moods have been all fucking kinds of erratic lately. i wish they weren't. my cynicism keeps dragging me down. more later.
today was my last day in the premade (fruit salad producing) section of produce. next saturday the powers at be are going to teach me how to be a cashier. excellent! and joe has decided not to be a dick about vic being at the house so i will be spending more time at home. *happy dance* the best part about being a cashier? more monies for me. mmm....more monies. that makes me all tingly in the pants. you know, that and the sweet lovin' i got during my lunch break this afternoon. more monies+less dickishness+lunch sex=good times. my mim would be so proud.
therapy went well. i go back on monday. actually spent some time here at the house today. tossed out half of my makeup collection, it went from being three boxes to just one. i also went through some of the sentimental shit i had been holding on to and trashed most of it. old letters from joe when he was in basic training and shit like that. part of me feels like a heartless bitch for tossing them, the other part simply will not stand for reminders that our relationship went from "i want to marry you and have like a million of your babies" to "i can't believe i wasted the last six years of my life on you." and then only the sound of uncomfortable silence. but that what i've got. throwing away the letters and dirty polaroids and misc. other bullshit is just the beginning of an event that i'm calling The Great Purging. it's about time i went through all my stuff and just fucking got rid of most of it. some things i simply refuse to part with. but other things, things riddled with guilt, and hurt feelings. that shit has gots to go. started poking around on the interweb and scoping out what the average rent is and things like that. it's a bit depressing. this place is fucking expensive. for the cost of renting a room here (not an apartment, just a room) i could rent myself a fucking two bedroom back home. bah! oh well, thus is the cost of staying and a shot at living the dream. hopefully i will get to hang out with em tomorrow. she is taking her drivers test for the second time at 2 but maybe after that we can hang out some. it's been fucking forever and i miss her dearly. i am also going to try and go to the court house tomorrow and look into divorce papers. my therapist said it should be extremely simple and over and done with in six months. sounds nice to me. oooh! my two year wedding anniversary is on the 16th, i took off that day and the next day just in case i decided to drink until i can't see straight. what do you do on the second anniversary of a loveless marriage?
it's a sure sign that the end is near. i have appointments with a new shrink and a new therapist tomorrow. what is going through my head? a permanent headache, lack of sleep, a sense of impending doom, and a fuck-ton of stress. mmm...stress. while at one point stress and i had a brief but torrid love affair, the honeymoon is now over and i am attempting to kill it. it's not good for me. i've been up to a lot of things that aren't good for me. and as a last ditch effort to save my sanity i'm throwing myself back into the system. the very same system that i claimed was useless only a scant few months ago. it's amazing the difference a little headache induced mental clarity can make. i even made a list of all the meds that various doctors have put me on over the years so this new guy knows what the hell he's going to be dealing with. there is another reason i'm going back. i don't want to be fucked up anymore. i mean, i realize to a certain extent i will forever be a little fucked up. i will probably always have a tendency toward excess and self destruction. but i want to learn how to at least tame some of the more out and out crazy behaviors. i want to have healthy relationships with those who are closest to me. i don't want to fuck it up by being myself anymore. wow. so yes, that's the deal for tomorrow. and i'm sorry if i've gotten all mushy and talked about vic a lot in these things lately, it's just that right now he's the thing that's making things better. go back a few months, at that point booze was making things better and i talked about it all the time. oh booze, miss you. my mim is 500 kinds of happy that i've gone back to the system. she worries a lot, especially when i stop getting enough sleep and get apathetic about work. i'm always going to be this fucked up little prick deep down inside, but if i can not be that bastard at least half the time i'm pretty sure i would be happier. must let go of the trauma and stop re-enacting it in all facets of my life. maybe one of these days i will feel human again. there's a thought eh? i haven't been on here much lately and i might be around a little bit less in the near future just because i'm trying to straighten my shit out. in the not so distant past sg was something to me that it's not now. it used to be my only human interaction. now i have real life shit to take care of and the mind numbing effects of the silliness boards just aren't cutting it. oh well. don't get stuck.
it's all fucking kinds of complicated. i feel like i have until the first of december to undo all the shit i've spend such generous amounts of time fucking up. nice. the way i've been living lately is making me physically sick. i have a headache just about every second of every day, i might be running a fever but don't have the desire to confirm that by buying a thermometer. this will all blow over in time. i live out of my overnight bag. i'm not sleeping very well and am eating way too much fast food. i have started to lash out at vic because i'm frustrated with the way my life is. i feel so bad for getting super pissed for pretty much no good reason. i don't want to make him feel bad. and he gives me this puppy-eyed look and i can tell he means what he says when he says he wants to make me happy. his unhappiness came from being alone. mine comes from somewhere else. i can be retardedly in love and still be miserable as all fucking hell. now that i'm getting some of the things that i want everything else seems to be getting harder. i'm trying really hard not to do the things that i know will fuck everything up. it would be really easy to let it go and get wrapped up in some of my old habits again.
this is the longest i have been home in three days. next week will be different, working six days again. haven't been on the computer for more than fifteen minutes in over a week. my cpu fan is busted so it overheats and locks up. suck. it locked up during some good girl squirt porn the other day. made me sad. i have the cover off of it and a fan angled to blow air in. the things we do for the love of the internet. sigh. joe called the other night. turns out he dumped is girlfriend in missouri because the more he talked to her the more he realized she is exactly like me. he is now dating a 23 year old divorced woman with a three year old daughter. this fits nicely into his " i want to settle down and have kids" scenario. i hope he doesn't fuck it up by acting like himself. he also wanted to know all about vic. he attempted to grill me on our sex life but i wouldn't let it happen. i'm not going to feed into his morbid curiosity, i simply told him that questions like that are asked, not because a person actually wants to know the answer, but because the person asking wants to turn around and use the answers against you. whatever. the less he knows the better, i hope that they never meet each other. more later. must start drinking soon.
