"Ever get the feeling you've been cheated?" -John Lydon aka Johnny Rotten asks of his audience.
Who's going to Vancouver with me?
Who's going to Vancouver with me?
goddamn goddamn goddamn
When did people become so hopelessly fucking stupid and full of mindless hatred? I'm not talking about Iraq or the war or any such repulsive shit. I speak of the average sad dickhead on the street.
I was just walking home after slaving 9 hours of lifting bending and repetitive movement that- for the low low price of minimum wage, but the cost of deteorating what's left of my inflamed arthritic joints- and getting the bullshit and insults of disgruntled Foodland customers as an added bonus. So anyway- some fuckwad comes screeching by and his brainiac passenger yells (and I'm sure with much glee at his own cleverness), "SLUT!" I was already in a state of such despondency and depression that I was physically sick with it. Of course the loudest "FUCK YOU!" you can imagine was merely reflex. I was really truly hoping that they would turn around and come back to confront me with some macho bullshit posturing. Cowards who yell at pedestrians of course would never do such a thing, but GOD I was fantasizing the rest of my short walk home. " I have a rusty straight razor with your fucking name on it, cocksucker." & I do.
What joy does this anonymus asshole actually get by screaming an insult at ME- a dark figure on the sidewalk? Carrying groceries. Simply because my form was detectably female he has a sudden compulsion to scream out the things he damn well knows he hasn't the chutzpah to dare say to me if we were face to face, away from the protection of the hurtling Geekmobile and his dumb friend cheering him on. It just reinforces my ever-growing deep deep abysmally deep hatred for mankind. Do I have "fuck me over" or "use me up" written in my expressions or tone of my voice? I am sure- as someone (
) quite astutely pointed out, that my depression plus my dumb good-natured naivete/ optimism is like a huge neon WELCOME sign to those psychic vampires looking for a feed. Well sorry to disappoint, no more meals for free, fuckers.
Before I was so rudely interrupted by the screaming moron, I was thinking about relationships. Since NO ONE is perfect, flawless, without some sort of baggage or damage, I was thinking that ANY relationship is really then just a partnership of compromised ideals. Like- How much damage am I willing to tolerate to compensate my loneliness? Everything is a trade-off. I was thinking more deeply on the matter, but you know the rest...
SLLLLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTT!
FUCK YOU!
The eternal struggle continues.
On another subject- although I'll continue to use the slut/fuck you scenario as a figurative model herein-
I've went and done something that i damn well knew better than to do. I like pain, i must. The outcome is as sure as any woman walking home with groceries is some Idiot's SLUT!- that is to say, definite, inevitable, sad, predictable and will surely leave me angry and hurt, pissed at myself for ever thinking I could walk down a damn street and expect anything besides what i get: Abuse. I'll let this play out to it's inevitable end. Won't take long, you know.
Well, now that I've cheered you all up I think I'll go lie down.
Love- haha,
Me
ArtistsInBloom.com
When did people become so hopelessly fucking stupid and full of mindless hatred? I'm not talking about Iraq or the war or any such repulsive shit. I speak of the average sad dickhead on the street.
I was just walking home after slaving 9 hours of lifting bending and repetitive movement that- for the low low price of minimum wage, but the cost of deteorating what's left of my inflamed arthritic joints- and getting the bullshit and insults of disgruntled Foodland customers as an added bonus. So anyway- some fuckwad comes screeching by and his brainiac passenger yells (and I'm sure with much glee at his own cleverness), "SLUT!" I was already in a state of such despondency and depression that I was physically sick with it. Of course the loudest "FUCK YOU!" you can imagine was merely reflex. I was really truly hoping that they would turn around and come back to confront me with some macho bullshit posturing. Cowards who yell at pedestrians of course would never do such a thing, but GOD I was fantasizing the rest of my short walk home. " I have a rusty straight razor with your fucking name on it, cocksucker." & I do.
What joy does this anonymus asshole actually get by screaming an insult at ME- a dark figure on the sidewalk? Carrying groceries. Simply because my form was detectably female he has a sudden compulsion to scream out the things he damn well knows he hasn't the chutzpah to dare say to me if we were face to face, away from the protection of the hurtling Geekmobile and his dumb friend cheering him on. It just reinforces my ever-growing deep deep abysmally deep hatred for mankind. Do I have "fuck me over" or "use me up" written in my expressions or tone of my voice? I am sure- as someone (
) quite astutely pointed out, that my depression plus my dumb good-natured naivete/ optimism is like a huge neon WELCOME sign to those psychic vampires looking for a feed. Well sorry to disappoint, no more meals for free, fuckers.Before I was so rudely interrupted by the screaming moron, I was thinking about relationships. Since NO ONE is perfect, flawless, without some sort of baggage or damage, I was thinking that ANY relationship is really then just a partnership of compromised ideals. Like- How much damage am I willing to tolerate to compensate my loneliness? Everything is a trade-off. I was thinking more deeply on the matter, but you know the rest...
SLLLLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTT!
FUCK YOU!
The eternal struggle continues.
On another subject- although I'll continue to use the slut/fuck you scenario as a figurative model herein-
I've went and done something that i damn well knew better than to do. I like pain, i must. The outcome is as sure as any woman walking home with groceries is some Idiot's SLUT!- that is to say, definite, inevitable, sad, predictable and will surely leave me angry and hurt, pissed at myself for ever thinking I could walk down a damn street and expect anything besides what i get: Abuse. I'll let this play out to it's inevitable end. Won't take long, you know.
Well, now that I've cheered you all up I think I'll go lie down.
Love- haha,
Me
ArtistsInBloom.com
UPDATING! No, really!
Artists In Bloom
Hi all you sexy fuckers! I miss you all. My white trash existance hasn't altered too terribly much since we last typed.
I am working on an exhibit with some people I met. just a small one- a couple of artists from here in the area. It should be cool. I'll let ya know.
Speaking of ART, (nice segue, baby- "you is pure cornbread, girl!") the site I co-created is FINALLy up, and almost fully functional. Actually it's 99.9%- still can't get my site search to work yet...anywayyy-
Come chat so i am not so lonely over there! Also the forum is up, same with the guest book. The idea of the site is to be (eventually) a resource for independent/aspiring artists, writers and musicians by providing a place to find others with similar interests and/or people who may want to book them, have an exhibit of their work, etc- ya get the idea! slash thought exchange slash hangout. It could be cool- depends on how people use it. It is definitely not a finished product, mind you, but be nice-It's my 1st attempt at a webpage, plus- I didn't have complete control artistically or over content. The site is dually a feature for the book "A Little Eruption of Deity: I've Got a Song, Tapestry" by Emerson Essex, founder of Artists In Bloom. (Or CO-founder I should say.)
SG member (and rock god) monkeywrench is featured on theMusic page. The e-zine "P.I.S.T." (Pagans In Search of Truth- haha) has some funny gifs I swiped from the net, some from the SG albums. I haven't given credit yet b/c I have no idea who created them, but they are so cool I had to use them. If you made one (there are 3) let me know.
I realize that the web-builder I used makes the site appear differently on other PCs, but I haven't fixed that yet. It's just spacing and such. I'll get to it... some day.
Oh yeah- I no longer have any type of photo editor, so anyone willing to make me a cool banner or two, maybe a logo (You'll see the dire need for one!)- I'd appreciate it muchly.
***Just In- Straight from Emerson himself- Anyone who makes us a bomb-diggity logo we can use gets a signed copy of his book! Send them to him here:emerson_aurelius@yahoo.com
In fact- there's a FeedBack page with a form you can fill out with any ideas to help me make the site cooler/ better/ more crunchy/ less filling/ whateva. The FeedBack is actually for the art content, but since that's not up yet it can be used for that.
I really need people to send in any of their work they would like to be put up in the gallery there. At the moment there are just some drawings (since they were done by children, awwww) and stuff. I'm still on the horn w/Ipower tech support to get the gallery working right....
*whew* Yeah- so check it out. please???
Love you guys.
Michael- I need to talk to you, today is my 1st day off in two weeks!
Artists In BloomHi all you sexy fuckers! I miss you all. My white trash existance hasn't altered too terribly much since we last typed.
I am working on an exhibit with some people I met. just a small one- a couple of artists from here in the area. It should be cool. I'll let ya know.
Speaking of ART, (nice segue, baby- "you is pure cornbread, girl!") the site I co-created is FINALLy up, and almost fully functional.
Actually it's 99.9%- still can't get my site search to work yet...anywayyy-Come chat so i am not so lonely over there! Also the forum is up, same with the guest book. The idea of the site is to be (eventually) a resource for independent/aspiring artists, writers and musicians by providing a place to find others with similar interests and/or people who may want to book them, have an exhibit of their work, etc- ya get the idea! slash thought exchange slash hangout. It could be cool- depends on how people use it. It is definitely not a finished product, mind you, but be nice-It's my 1st attempt at a webpage, plus- I didn't have complete control artistically or over content. The site is dually a feature for the book "A Little Eruption of Deity: I've Got a Song, Tapestry" by Emerson Essex, founder of Artists In Bloom. (Or CO-founder I should say.)
SG member (and rock god) monkeywrench is featured on theMusic page. The e-zine "P.I.S.T." (Pagans In Search of Truth- haha) has some funny gifs I swiped from the net, some from the SG albums. I haven't given credit yet b/c I have no idea who created them, but they are so cool I had to use them. If you made one (there are 3) let me know.
I realize that the web-builder I used makes the site appear differently on other PCs, but I haven't fixed that yet. It's just spacing and such. I'll get to it... some day.
Oh yeah- I no longer have any type of photo editor, so anyone willing to make me a cool banner or two, maybe a logo (You'll see the dire need for one!)- I'd appreciate it muchly.
***Just In- Straight from Emerson himself- Anyone who makes us a bomb-diggity logo we can use gets a signed copy of his book! Send them to him here:emerson_aurelius@yahoo.com
In fact- there's a FeedBack page with a form you can fill out with any ideas to help me make the site cooler/ better/ more crunchy/ less filling/ whateva. The FeedBack is actually for the art content, but since that's not up yet it can be used for that.
I really need people to send in any of their work they would like to be put up in the gallery there. At the moment there are just some drawings (since they were done by children, awwww) and stuff. I'm still on the horn w/Ipower tech support to get the gallery working right....
*whew* Yeah- so check it out. please???
Love you guys.
Michael- I need to talk to you, today is my 1st day off in two weeks!
sooooo... I was alone... in the heat... thinking... wishing I had... some hard , satisifying,
cubes of ice... (you fucking pervs.)
I have this new theory: wanna hear it? I knew you did. Ok- they say (you know how "they" are, bastards)- anywho, they say that everyone has a twin, right? I believe that- to a point. Ex: I had a blue mohawk & was wearing a piece of leather w/black military ssafety pins as an outfit (This was back in the day, alright) and was at a show and this drunk dude was telling his friend," Heyyy- there's my sister Mary... That chick looks just like my sister Mary, man..." My point::Unlikely. ANDDD THERE IS ANOTHER INCIDENT IN WHICH i WAS AT A STORE (gOODWILL) AND i THOUGHT THIS CHICk (sORRY---caps is possessed) was my friend Rachel, so I was like, "Heyy Rachel, what's up?" She looked at me all weird like WHO the hell are you??? and said, "How did you know my name?" SO, this has nothing to do with my new thoery, just contextual.
So anyway- It wasn't my friend Rachel, just some weird identical chick (in the same town) named Rachel. Spooked the fuck out yet or what, kids? Stick with me...
So "they" call these "twins" we all supposedly have "Doppelgangers," namedx afer some dude-- I forget why, but nevermind...
Here's the greatness. I am guessing that everyone (based on my own experiences and that of a couple others I have spoken with regarding this phenom) has had someone in their life that either a) slept with all the same people that you did- afterwards, in theory--b) at the least, ATTEMPTED to date or lay all or at least two or more of your exes. You know, that bitch that goes after EVERY single guy you dated, even if it's YEARS later she just HAS to have them. Well- I have a girl like that. She LOVES my fucking leftovers, and i DO MEAN THAT LITERALLY HERE. This applies just as well with you guys. You may have thus far simply r4ferred to him as "Cockblocker" or "Scavenger" etc. So, that fact, combined with my undying admiration for PUNS, brought me THIS revelation: a new definition, and new word into my fucked up lexicon::::
DoppelBanger:noun: One, who for reasons yet unknown, seeks out and breeds with the leftovers and exes of one particular person. This behaviour sewems pathologic and tends to originate from a very poor self-image.
See: Crystal, who went after EVERY single geek I even briefly dated in high school; Even now, all these years later.
Usage: "Man, that weird biotch Crystal is my damn DoppelBanger! What a loser - she is STILL crossing names off my ex list!"
Ok see you next time then...
cubes of ice... (you fucking pervs.)
I have this new theory: wanna hear it? I knew you did. Ok- they say (you know how "they" are, bastards)- anywho, they say that everyone has a twin, right? I believe that- to a point. Ex: I had a blue mohawk & was wearing a piece of leather w/black military ssafety pins as an outfit (This was back in the day, alright) and was at a show and this drunk dude was telling his friend," Heyyy- there's my sister Mary... That chick looks just like my sister Mary, man..." My point::Unlikely. ANDDD THERE IS ANOTHER INCIDENT IN WHICH i WAS AT A STORE (gOODWILL) AND i THOUGHT THIS CHICk (sORRY---caps is possessed) was my friend Rachel, so I was like, "Heyy Rachel, what's up?" She looked at me all weird like WHO the hell are you??? and said, "How did you know my name?" SO, this has nothing to do with my new thoery, just contextual.
So anyway- It wasn't my friend Rachel, just some weird identical chick (in the same town) named Rachel. Spooked the fuck out yet or what, kids? Stick with me...
So "they" call these "twins" we all supposedly have "Doppelgangers," namedx afer some dude-- I forget why, but nevermind...
Here's the greatness. I am guessing that everyone (based on my own experiences and that of a couple others I have spoken with regarding this phenom) has had someone in their life that either a) slept with all the same people that you did- afterwards, in theory--b) at the least, ATTEMPTED to date or lay all or at least two or more of your exes. You know, that bitch that goes after EVERY single guy you dated, even if it's YEARS later she just HAS to have them. Well- I have a girl like that. She LOVES my fucking leftovers, and i DO MEAN THAT LITERALLY HERE. This applies just as well with you guys. You may have thus far simply r4ferred to him as "Cockblocker" or "Scavenger" etc. So, that fact, combined with my undying admiration for PUNS, brought me THIS revelation: a new definition, and new word into my fucked up lexicon::::
DoppelBanger:noun: One, who for reasons yet unknown, seeks out and breeds with the leftovers and exes of one particular person. This behaviour sewems pathologic and tends to originate from a very poor self-image.
See: Crystal, who went after EVERY single geek I even briefly dated in high school; Even now, all these years later.
Usage: "Man, that weird biotch Crystal is my damn DoppelBanger! What a loser - she is STILL crossing names off my ex list!"
Ok see you next time then...
Hello there.I know I have been neglecting my duties as journaler. That's a bad kitty.
HY, you ask?Well- I won't bore you w/details, but I have been very busy... slaving away my days...making some asshole rich, while I barely get by, more and more exhausted, having no time to finish things I find important or fun/relaxing/fulfilling. So what's new there? That's 90% of everyone I know.
So anyway, I was walking down the street the other day. I saw this kid out in the drive videotaping his ride.
And he was like, "Hey Mtv, pleeeeaaase []D[][]\\/[][]D mah ride, biotch!" I flipped him the bird and walked on to the coffe shop. I was pretending to enjoy an overpriced bland caffeinated beverage when I couldn't help but overhear this other guy and his friends talking. They basically were telling him that he needs to use more product in his hair, a skin treatment, and some new threads. One of the guys said, "Dude, we HAVE to call QueerEye for the Straight Guy to help you."These things made me think. "Wowww. What did people do years ago? Back before there was reality television?"
SCARY, huh? I mean- people driving around the block in "hooptys"...Men with combination skin...AND nowhere to turn. The world is a scary place. Thank you lord, for reality television shows. I feel just a little safer at night.
Amen.
PS --You know, I would settle for this one...
=WARNING: these pics are fuckin hugemongous, but I am too tired to resize. Sorry.=
More nightmares all damn night. In one I was dead (but still aware), had my eyes put out, and could fly but was stuck in a basement. Madness, I say. There are certain places I just cannot sleep well in and this house is one of them. It may be spooked.
Helping finish up
; I'll let you know when it's done. It has boards and chat and other things. Pretty cool.
Listening to:
Reading:
Wearing:
hahaha... Okay- NOT REALLY, but it's cool anyway.
Earning: not a helluva lot more than
an hour, sadly enough.
Ok kids. May the force be with you, etcetera. (I hate when people erroneously write "ect" in lieu of "etc" Plus the period isn't necessary.)
I get the honor of closing the store tonight so i'm going to go crash until then. That is, after I go check my email.
More nightmares all damn night. In one I was dead (but still aware), had my eyes put out, and could fly but was stuck in a basement. Madness, I say. There are certain places I just cannot sleep well in and this house is one of them. It may be spooked.
Helping finish up
; I'll let you know when it's done. It has boards and chat and other things. Pretty cool.Listening to:
Reading:
Wearing:
hahaha... Okay- NOT REALLY, but it's cool anyway.
Earning: not a helluva lot more than
an hour, sadly enough.Ok kids. May the force be with you, etcetera. (I hate when people erroneously write "ect" in lieu of "etc" Plus the period isn't necessary.)
I get the honor of closing the store tonight so i'm going to go crash until then. That is, after I go check my email.
~ Every 
needs one of these:
...
So, GO there and get me one!!!
haha...
*PS* I am sick of mean people and fucker-faces! errrrrr...
needs one of these:
...So, GO there and get me one!!!
haha...
*PS* I am sick of mean people and fucker-faces! errrrrr...
So,
last night I sat here, like Molly Ringwald before me, waiting around, but knowing I had been stood up. But I didn't have a Ducky to come and take me there anyway. MAN- WHY in the world would you get a girl's hopes up that you are helping her get to the Kittie show (I get paid tomorrow for christ's sake) and then NOT call, answer your phone, or be on here. That's fucked up, Paul! Someone else would have- but I didn't even ask because he said it was NO problem; In fact, he was the one who offered, not me asking to start with. Oh well, I hope you lucky people that DID get to go had fun.
That was my only day off, and i wasn't in the ER, so I thought I could do something fun, but oh well. I am going to the SGKY group and meeting some people today, so maybe I will have a dependable ride in the future.
*Sorry that we STILL didn't get to meet, Mike. I know it sucks. Was the show good? Of course it was...
*Hey Harlequin71- where in the world have you been? Is yr computer ok now? Yay! I'll email you in a little while.
In other news- I have found a really cool (ANd affordable) locale for my little shop, and I hope to snap it up soon. It is secret for now, so ssshhh... The name of it is so cool- I can't wait to tell you guys.. haha. I'm not bitterrrrr-
last night I sat here, like Molly Ringwald before me, waiting around, but knowing I had been stood up. But I didn't have a Ducky to come and take me there anyway. MAN- WHY in the world would you get a girl's hopes up that you are helping her get to the Kittie show (I get paid tomorrow for christ's sake) and then NOT call, answer your phone, or be on here. That's fucked up, Paul! Someone else would have- but I didn't even ask because he said it was NO problem; In fact, he was the one who offered, not me asking to start with. Oh well, I hope you lucky people that DID get to go had fun.
That was my only day off, and i wasn't in the ER, so I thought I could do something fun, but oh well. I am going to the SGKY group and meeting some people today, so maybe I will have a dependable ride in the future. *Sorry that we STILL didn't get to meet, Mike. I know it sucks. Was the show good? Of course it was...
*Hey Harlequin71- where in the world have you been? Is yr computer ok now? Yay! I'll email you in a little while.
In other news- I have found a really cool (ANd affordable) locale for my little shop, and I hope to snap it up soon. It is secret for now, so ssshhh... The name of it is so cool- I can't wait to tell you guys.. haha.
I'm not bitterrrrr- Haha.. Well, I went to an AA meeting last night w/this 50-60 yr old man that I just met through work. It was pretty funny. The people here are kind of rude, and I'm not accustomed to that, but it was an experience anyway.
He saw me walking home and gave me a ride b/c i was dizzy. I was going to come back here and be by myself anyway, so I didn't think it so bad an idea to get out for a little bit. I have been very sick lately- off and on- w/this acid reflux eating up my esophagus and maybe ulcers burning up my stomach. I've ended up in the ER so many times lately and they haven't done a thing to help me. There is a reason I'm getting it all of a sudden and I need to get that taken care of. It is the most painful awful thing, I swear. Yuckkk.
He invited me to go the fair today, but i have to work. He seems like a nice old guy- NOT a dirty old man (like my exhusband. haha); and he has a wife, so I know he's not trying to date me or anything, cuz that would just make me sick you guys. haha.
Anyway-- I DO have Tuesday off (yay!) and I got my old schedule back b/c of the letter I wrote my manager, which is cool= more money. So, now all I have to make sure of is that I CAN get back here Tuesday night- or even EARLY wed. morning, b/c I have to be somewhere (CANNOT miss it, Dr. appt.) that morning and then work that afternoon. So if anyone is going to see Kittie in Columbus that night and is heading south towards Portsmouth, Oh, or AShland, Ky, pleae let me know if I can hitch a ride w/you. I'll figure something out, though. It'll be fun. I'm hoping to meet and hang out w/punknitemike, which will rawk I'm sure.
Well, I have to go get ready for work...
See you guys later! *mwah*
He saw me walking home and gave me a ride b/c i was dizzy. I was going to come back here and be by myself anyway, so I didn't think it so bad an idea to get out for a little bit. I have been very sick lately- off and on- w/this acid reflux eating up my esophagus and maybe ulcers burning up my stomach. I've ended up in the ER so many times lately and they haven't done a thing to help me. There is a reason I'm getting it all of a sudden and I need to get that taken care of. It is the most painful awful thing, I swear. Yuckkk.
He invited me to go the fair today, but i have to work. He seems like a nice old guy- NOT a dirty old man (like my exhusband. haha); and he has a wife, so I know he's not trying to date me or anything, cuz that would just make me sick you guys. haha.
Anyway-- I DO have Tuesday off (yay!) and I got my old schedule back b/c of the letter I wrote my manager, which is cool= more money. So, now all I have to make sure of is that I CAN get back here Tuesday night- or even EARLY wed. morning, b/c I have to be somewhere (CANNOT miss it, Dr. appt.) that morning and then work that afternoon. So if anyone is going to see Kittie in Columbus that night and is heading south towards Portsmouth, Oh, or AShland, Ky, pleae let me know if I can hitch a ride w/you. I'll figure something out, though. It'll be fun. I'm hoping to meet and hang out w/punknitemike, which will rawk I'm sure.
Well, I have to go get ready for work...
See you guys later! *mwah*
SEPTEMBER 2005
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JUNE 2005