Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you yet another in the unending series of 'Creamy and his Adventures with Utter Fucking Nutbars'. I swear to God, I need someone to hurry the fuck up and invent lunatic repellant.
Creamy and the tale of the Man with a 'Bad Bus' Girlfriend
So I was waiting at the bus stop after work, tired after a long day of throwing 15-year-olds out of the Learning Centre in the library where I work for being pricks. Suddenly this gentleman wanders up to me from the chicken place on the opposite side of the road. He was about early-30's, pretty normal street clothing, no outward signs of horrible fucking lunacy, such as terrible personal hygiene or a tendancy to mutter. He asked me something, I couldn't tell what it was so I took out my headphones and asked what he said, he asked if I had been waiting for the 118 bus. I told him yes, and he then went on to tell me that he'd been waiting for it too. Apparently it was a 'bad bus'. Then he uttered the sentance that first started alarm bells a-ringing in my head.
"It's like my girlfriend, she's a bad bus too."
At this point, my brain is temporarily derailed by the sudden appearance of obvious eccentricity so I fall back onto one of my trusty standby mental tracks: insulting innuendo:
"Why, quite well-ridden, is she?"
However, like all truly dedicated nutters, he wasn't about to be deterred from what he obviously needed to say to me with a deep burning desire by something as minor as me calling his girlfriend a slut. At this point the lunacy just started to flow free.
"Well my girlfriend, I love her right, but she's a bad bus, whenever she's round my place she's always breaking my stuff. Like she spilt black coffee on my white carpet. I mean BLACK COFFEE. On my WHITE CARPET. BLACK COFFEE. WHITE CARPET. Don't you think that's a little off?!"
At this point I can only 'hmm' and nod for fear of being killed and left in a dumpster.
"And like my scales, my favourite scales that I really love, she was over my palce and dancing and she knocked them off the shelf and broke them. I really loved those scales, they meant a lot to me, it's like she's breaking my life. You can see what I'm saying, can't you?"
Yes. Quite clearly if a man is that attached to his scales it would be very easy to break his life
"I feel like there's these forces, you know? Like there's these forces out there trying to stop us being together (awooooooga awooooooga! Set all alarms to Weirdcon 3!). But that said, one time we had a big argument and I ripped up one of her dresses. I went home and there was a package delivered for the woman who lived in the apartment before me, and it was a nice dress and a fancy pair of shoes. I gave them to my girlfriend and they were exactly the right size, they fit her perfectly. I mean they fit perfectly. I mean what are the chances of that? It saved our relationship! It's like there are forces out there, and they're telling me 'Ok, you two are going to have a really difficult time, we're going to throw as many obstacles in your path as we can, but you do have a chance, but we're going to make it fucking difficult for you, we're going to give you all sorts of obstacles'"
At this point he keeps touching me and prodding me to get his point across. Personal space! PERSONAL SPACE!
"It's like, this weird stuff keeps happening to me. Like one time, when I was drunk and on the train home, I was woken up by the driver at the end of the line. I asked him how to get back and he said I needed to go about 5 stops back in the opposite direction but the station was closing. I stood up and all my tarot cards fell out of my jacket (WEIRDCON 4! WEIRDCON 4!). The driver saw them and said 'oh yeah, tarot, my wife's into all that, tell you what, go sit in the front car and I'll give you a lift home'. So I do and I end up sitting in the driving compartment with the driver, he's taking me home on the train while I'm reading him his tarot. I get out at my station and the workman tells me he's never known, in all the years he's been working there, of a driver giving someone a lift like that. Doesn't that seem strange? Doesn't it seem weird? Like it happened outside the usual course of events? Like it was almost... otherworldly?"
I think this is the point where my thinking changed from 'Oh fuck oh fuck get away from me crazy man please bus deliver me from this looney' to 'Holy crap, this guy's headed full-bore to CrazyTown and I'm hanging on for the ride'
"Like this one time I went up to a policewoman and I said 'here love, nice tits you got there, nice arse' and she just winked at me and walked away. Just winked and walked away. Does that seem entirely normal to you? It's like it didn't really happen!"
It's really hard to get that part across in writing. He felt the urge to demonstrate with a pantomime wink that looked like Stephen Hawkings having a stroke.
"You see what happened is (ok boys and girls, this is where it gets really good) you've got all these different programs in your brain, right? All these programs in your head that tell you how to behave in certain situations. And what I did was I got into her brain and started messing around with all her different programs. I wanted to see what she would do if she was outside that situation of being a policewoman so I got into her brain and changed round her programs (ALERT! ALERT! WEIRDCON 5! WE HAVE WEIRDCON 5! BATTEN DOWN ALL HATCHES! SEEK SHELTER!) so she wasn't a policewoman anymore."
At this point I'm starting to regret hanging around to see where this crazy-train takes me, but I'm stuck with him now as we've both gotten onto the bus and, deciding I am his new best friend, he's sat down next to me.
"It can be done, you know? It's not easy, but it is possible to get the ability to get into people's minds and change up their programs like that, like say you were going out with Sally, I could make you thin that I was Sally and you'd be kissing me and cuddling me (PERSONAL SPACE! PERSONAL SPACE!) and you'd think I was Sally and you wouldn't know."
Oh Jesus, oh sweet Jesus, please don't let him use his AMAZING PSYCHIC POWERS to make me think he's my girlfriend so I start making out with him.
"But I don't do that anymore, I don't use my powers anymore as I know how dangerous they can be (well thank God for that). It's like, I know how powerful this knowledge is, and I know what I could do if I wanted, and it's kind of scary. I mean imagine being able to get into people's brains and do all sorts of things to them. But then, I feel sometimes like there's these forces out there. You know, forces. And they want me to play a game with them, it's like 'Come on Simon, play a game with us, you have the power, you can do it' and I have all these powerful cards, all this powerful knowledge. And you ahve tot hink about it, who gave me this knowledge? Who gave me these powers? I mean, neural wave manipulation, it's one of the most powerful psychic powers, you don't just stumble across it, someone must ahve given me all this powerful knowledge, but at the same time, I know I shouldn't use it because it's too dangerous. Why did they give me these powers then?"
Jesus.
"And all these forces want me to use my powers agaisnt them, and I have all these powerful cards, but if you don't know what you're doing, there WILL be consequences, they WILL come back on you. Like if you had all these guys in front of you who wanted to stab you and kill you, and I gave you a bunch of hand grenades and bombs then you could use them to defend yourself and use them to kill the guys who were trying to kill you, but if you didn't know hw to use these bombs, then you'd be just as likely to blow yourself up. And it's like that, I really have to know what I'm doing before I start messing with all these powerful forces out there. And it's something I have to deal with every day. All the time I'm wondering about all the things I could achieve for myself if I just used these powers, but I know there's forces out there just waiting for me to do it, so I can't. Anyhow, this is my stop, I'll leave you alone now. You're a bit scared of me,a ren't you, you're a bit scared of what I'm saying, a bit afraid of what it all means, but think about it, it really exists, you really can have this knowledge. See ya."
I... well... I... erm.... Christ.
In other news:
*Caramel is a lovely hostess, much obliged to you madam, hope you like Boondock Saints
*It has been entirely too long since I last saw antenna and vitriolicunt
*Nic and Traumatron get hangovers like great big sissy-girls
*Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is crazy awesome
*I had a rather good weekend.
*Mine and Foralways' current menagerie of anthropomorphic manservants stands at:
- Arthur the Cockney Pearly King lion butler. He sings songs about rainbows and the follies of pride and shares words of wise manly wisdom with me when needed. He is currently engaged in a wonderfully romantic relationships with:
-Olga the Swedish hippo chef. She is master of the meatballs and her gruff, surly demeanour hides her caring maternal side. She embraces you with a huge hug and a croon of 'Zere zere my little darlink, it weel be ok'. Jen gets all broody after playing with her and Arthur's unruly Lion-hippo children.
- Wise old Charlie Badger the West Country groundskeeper. A figure of mystery in the Creamy/Foralways household. He keeps himself to himself for the most part in his little hut on the edge of the grounds, where the lawn meets the forests, but will occasionally take the children into the woods to teach them all the hidden ways of the forest, like how to track an animal from his footprints and apple-scrumping from the crotchety old neighbours, the Ponsomby-Smythes. Cannot be seperated from his flat cap and tweed jacket and is known to enjoy the occasional pipe.
Creamy and the tale of the Man with a 'Bad Bus' Girlfriend
So I was waiting at the bus stop after work, tired after a long day of throwing 15-year-olds out of the Learning Centre in the library where I work for being pricks. Suddenly this gentleman wanders up to me from the chicken place on the opposite side of the road. He was about early-30's, pretty normal street clothing, no outward signs of horrible fucking lunacy, such as terrible personal hygiene or a tendancy to mutter. He asked me something, I couldn't tell what it was so I took out my headphones and asked what he said, he asked if I had been waiting for the 118 bus. I told him yes, and he then went on to tell me that he'd been waiting for it too. Apparently it was a 'bad bus'. Then he uttered the sentance that first started alarm bells a-ringing in my head.
"It's like my girlfriend, she's a bad bus too."
At this point, my brain is temporarily derailed by the sudden appearance of obvious eccentricity so I fall back onto one of my trusty standby mental tracks: insulting innuendo:
"Why, quite well-ridden, is she?"
However, like all truly dedicated nutters, he wasn't about to be deterred from what he obviously needed to say to me with a deep burning desire by something as minor as me calling his girlfriend a slut. At this point the lunacy just started to flow free.
"Well my girlfriend, I love her right, but she's a bad bus, whenever she's round my place she's always breaking my stuff. Like she spilt black coffee on my white carpet. I mean BLACK COFFEE. On my WHITE CARPET. BLACK COFFEE. WHITE CARPET. Don't you think that's a little off?!"
At this point I can only 'hmm' and nod for fear of being killed and left in a dumpster.
"And like my scales, my favourite scales that I really love, she was over my palce and dancing and she knocked them off the shelf and broke them. I really loved those scales, they meant a lot to me, it's like she's breaking my life. You can see what I'm saying, can't you?"
Yes. Quite clearly if a man is that attached to his scales it would be very easy to break his life
"I feel like there's these forces, you know? Like there's these forces out there trying to stop us being together (awooooooga awooooooga! Set all alarms to Weirdcon 3!). But that said, one time we had a big argument and I ripped up one of her dresses. I went home and there was a package delivered for the woman who lived in the apartment before me, and it was a nice dress and a fancy pair of shoes. I gave them to my girlfriend and they were exactly the right size, they fit her perfectly. I mean they fit perfectly. I mean what are the chances of that? It saved our relationship! It's like there are forces out there, and they're telling me 'Ok, you two are going to have a really difficult time, we're going to throw as many obstacles in your path as we can, but you do have a chance, but we're going to make it fucking difficult for you, we're going to give you all sorts of obstacles'"
At this point he keeps touching me and prodding me to get his point across. Personal space! PERSONAL SPACE!
"It's like, this weird stuff keeps happening to me. Like one time, when I was drunk and on the train home, I was woken up by the driver at the end of the line. I asked him how to get back and he said I needed to go about 5 stops back in the opposite direction but the station was closing. I stood up and all my tarot cards fell out of my jacket (WEIRDCON 4! WEIRDCON 4!). The driver saw them and said 'oh yeah, tarot, my wife's into all that, tell you what, go sit in the front car and I'll give you a lift home'. So I do and I end up sitting in the driving compartment with the driver, he's taking me home on the train while I'm reading him his tarot. I get out at my station and the workman tells me he's never known, in all the years he's been working there, of a driver giving someone a lift like that. Doesn't that seem strange? Doesn't it seem weird? Like it happened outside the usual course of events? Like it was almost... otherworldly?"
I think this is the point where my thinking changed from 'Oh fuck oh fuck get away from me crazy man please bus deliver me from this looney' to 'Holy crap, this guy's headed full-bore to CrazyTown and I'm hanging on for the ride'
"Like this one time I went up to a policewoman and I said 'here love, nice tits you got there, nice arse' and she just winked at me and walked away. Just winked and walked away. Does that seem entirely normal to you? It's like it didn't really happen!"
It's really hard to get that part across in writing. He felt the urge to demonstrate with a pantomime wink that looked like Stephen Hawkings having a stroke.
"You see what happened is (ok boys and girls, this is where it gets really good) you've got all these different programs in your brain, right? All these programs in your head that tell you how to behave in certain situations. And what I did was I got into her brain and started messing around with all her different programs. I wanted to see what she would do if she was outside that situation of being a policewoman so I got into her brain and changed round her programs (ALERT! ALERT! WEIRDCON 5! WE HAVE WEIRDCON 5! BATTEN DOWN ALL HATCHES! SEEK SHELTER!) so she wasn't a policewoman anymore."
At this point I'm starting to regret hanging around to see where this crazy-train takes me, but I'm stuck with him now as we've both gotten onto the bus and, deciding I am his new best friend, he's sat down next to me.
"It can be done, you know? It's not easy, but it is possible to get the ability to get into people's minds and change up their programs like that, like say you were going out with Sally, I could make you thin that I was Sally and you'd be kissing me and cuddling me (PERSONAL SPACE! PERSONAL SPACE!) and you'd think I was Sally and you wouldn't know."
Oh Jesus, oh sweet Jesus, please don't let him use his AMAZING PSYCHIC POWERS to make me think he's my girlfriend so I start making out with him.
"But I don't do that anymore, I don't use my powers anymore as I know how dangerous they can be (well thank God for that). It's like, I know how powerful this knowledge is, and I know what I could do if I wanted, and it's kind of scary. I mean imagine being able to get into people's brains and do all sorts of things to them. But then, I feel sometimes like there's these forces out there. You know, forces. And they want me to play a game with them, it's like 'Come on Simon, play a game with us, you have the power, you can do it' and I have all these powerful cards, all this powerful knowledge. And you ahve tot hink about it, who gave me this knowledge? Who gave me these powers? I mean, neural wave manipulation, it's one of the most powerful psychic powers, you don't just stumble across it, someone must ahve given me all this powerful knowledge, but at the same time, I know I shouldn't use it because it's too dangerous. Why did they give me these powers then?"
Jesus.
"And all these forces want me to use my powers agaisnt them, and I have all these powerful cards, but if you don't know what you're doing, there WILL be consequences, they WILL come back on you. Like if you had all these guys in front of you who wanted to stab you and kill you, and I gave you a bunch of hand grenades and bombs then you could use them to defend yourself and use them to kill the guys who were trying to kill you, but if you didn't know hw to use these bombs, then you'd be just as likely to blow yourself up. And it's like that, I really have to know what I'm doing before I start messing with all these powerful forces out there. And it's something I have to deal with every day. All the time I'm wondering about all the things I could achieve for myself if I just used these powers, but I know there's forces out there just waiting for me to do it, so I can't. Anyhow, this is my stop, I'll leave you alone now. You're a bit scared of me,a ren't you, you're a bit scared of what I'm saying, a bit afraid of what it all means, but think about it, it really exists, you really can have this knowledge. See ya."
I... well... I... erm.... Christ.
In other news:
*Caramel is a lovely hostess, much obliged to you madam, hope you like Boondock Saints
*It has been entirely too long since I last saw antenna and vitriolicunt
*Nic and Traumatron get hangovers like great big sissy-girls
*Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is crazy awesome
*I had a rather good weekend.
*Mine and Foralways' current menagerie of anthropomorphic manservants stands at:
- Arthur the Cockney Pearly King lion butler. He sings songs about rainbows and the follies of pride and shares words of wise manly wisdom with me when needed. He is currently engaged in a wonderfully romantic relationships with:
-Olga the Swedish hippo chef. She is master of the meatballs and her gruff, surly demeanour hides her caring maternal side. She embraces you with a huge hug and a croon of 'Zere zere my little darlink, it weel be ok'. Jen gets all broody after playing with her and Arthur's unruly Lion-hippo children.
- Wise old Charlie Badger the West Country groundskeeper. A figure of mystery in the Creamy/Foralways household. He keeps himself to himself for the most part in his little hut on the edge of the grounds, where the lawn meets the forests, but will occasionally take the children into the woods to teach them all the hidden ways of the forest, like how to track an animal from his footprints and apple-scrumping from the crotchety old neighbours, the Ponsomby-Smythes. Cannot be seperated from his flat cap and tweed jacket and is known to enjoy the occasional pipe.
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