I heard the sound of your bike
as your wheels hit the gravel
and your engine in the driveway, cutting off

I pushed through the screen door
and I stood out on the porch
thinking fight, fight, fight, at all costs

But instead I let you in
just like I've always done
I sat you down and offered you a beer

and across the kitchen table
I fired several rounds
but you were still sitting there when the smoke cleared

You came crawling back to say
that you want to make good in the end
oh, let me count the ways that I abhore you

you were never a good lay
and you never were a good friend
but oh, what can I say, I adore you

All I need is my leather
one t-shirt and two socks
I'll keep my hands warm in your pockets
and you can use the engine blocks

we'll ride out to California
with my arms around your chest
and i'll pretend this is real
cuz this is what I like best

You've been juggling two women
like a stupid circus clown
telling us both we are the one

and maybe you can keep me
from ever being happy
but you're not going to stop me
from having fun

So let's go, before I change my mind
I'll leave the luggage of all your lies behind

cuz I am bigger than everything that came before

you were never very kind
and you let me way down every time

but oh, what can I say, I adore you

Everything takes time, and life fluctuates for all. I've lost good people, all through my life, and I've come to the realisation that I can't hold onto them any more. I can, and will, take what I can from each situation and find peace in knowing that I am at peace, and my intention is for growth, and peace.

My time here, in this house, with no TV, no boyfriend, a minimal support network, and a lot of heavy tribulations and extreme amounts of self-time, has, as intended, sent me through a meditation and reflection on my life, the direction that I'm heading in, and most of all, towards figuring out what the most important things are to me, and how I can maneuver my way around to being involved with them.

I've been leading towards, and have finally stumbled upon the realisation that I'm not waiting any more. I have a position in the world, and I have a real life that is not in chaos, as I thought, not at all. It is entirely, universally, and continually, in flux, and completely stable, all at the same time.

- Friends. Forgive myself, others, forget, and deal with the reality that people can be beautiful, and nobody is even remotely close to perfect.
- House. I'm moving out of this secluded space a better person, a grown-up moving forward in life with nothing to lose, and everything to gain.
- Direction. I'm going to finish my degree, as slowly or as quickly as I need to. I'm going to take each day as it comes, and enjoy every moment for everything that it offers. I'm no longer going to wait for Japan, or Canada, or Sydney, or the bush, or my love, or the end, or the beginning. I'm no longer going to worry if my life is secure ... because it, despite popular 'live now' scare-tactics, it's not going to end tomorrow. And I don't need to live today like it's my last.

I'm going to relax, and appreciate the beauty of the world. Because so far .. in life .. I've been too worried about missing it, to stop and breathe it in. I've just deleted all my text messages, inbox, sent items and pictures stored. Time to stop living for what I can't have, and start appreciating what I do have.

In Summary:
"I am on the right path." (Thanks for the Positive Affirmation, Erin O.)

Thank you!!! Thank you thank you thank you, to everyone for being the most amazing friends that a girl could ask for.

To everyone who wrote on my SG page, on my facebook page, to you special renegades that took the time to visit my MySpace page! To those who sent Twitter messages, to the ones who txt'd direct, to the people that gave me hugs in the park, at Riverfire, and the after party, to the absolutely AMAZING international post box that I received from AcidEvangelist thank you! To my parents, for each three leaving a message on my phone for me to wake up to in the morning, to my brother for driving all the way north just to visit for a few hours in the night.

To my best friends, for all being there.

Thursday, Kirsty and I went to a Cocktail Party


Saturday was my birthday, shared with Morbidity, Rook, and Kathryn.
Graced with the presence of many a friend and acquaintance, this day, and the night that followed was one of the best day/nights of my life. Only a momentary cry (I cry every birthday, who doesn't?) though, very unusually, it was for reasons of *joy!* Not sadness! People came from far and wide, and left all their dramas at the door. That was my experience of the night, anyway I had the most wonderful time all the way through.


We four celebrants



Susan and I getting our rug on


Susan and Kirsty





The incredibly fantastic Zoe, and I


Singular failed attempt to twirl in park afternoon vicious winds


Morbidity, birthday girl snapshot



Thank you, a million times over, for hosting my party S_Eldorado. And for looking after me while I was fantastically hungover the next day.


Credit, and thanks to Tez I borrowed this photo.

Myself, and Lexiphanic


Not many pictures of the night up on the web yet. Will post when available.

...S_Eldorado ... I can has fotodump?

Just got confirmation.

Thursday, 11th Sept - scratching in some shiny new colour.

w00t

I want to love someone
I want to touch every piece of their body
and feel tingles, every inch
I want to hold a man with everything I have
and not feel scared of what he thinks,
or what it means.


Is that enough?


What about my future? My degree? Does everyone have to have one? I want to be something. I want to know that I'm doing something that matters for my future. All these people with their lives set up. Their 'skills' in order. I'm sitting here, not knowing what the fuck is going on with my immediate present, my immediate future, my long term future, my degree, or my job. The only thing I'm sure about is strength of my own heart. For the first time I actually feel like I'm strong enough to tell myself I love myself, and not need it to come from someone else.

In getting that, I fucking lost EVERYTHING else. Being alone, without love to worry about, suddenly I realise I have to actually make a life.

Love was enough. I loved, therefore I existed.

Now I have to fill my LIFE up with STUFF.

God damn it. I want to KNOW. I'm so sick of waiting.

And doing it in a dungeon under someone else's house with the only way being to foot a $900 real estate bill ... jesus fucking christ.

No WONDER I fucking smoked.

I have a shitload of thoughts to ignore right now.

And no nicotine to make it go away.

.. except .. I do have a packet in my draw .. .

it's either that or cry.

So I'm going to cry instead. Because I really don't want to smoke.


--

EDIT: Update on current situation

Crying. Lots of crying.

Just got an email from my tutor suggesting I take the semester off.
Now I'm taking the semester off.
I'm so fucked. I will have .. no money. None. Dear god.