Hiatus is what I suppose I've been on. A clearing. I thought I was losing it. I thought comming on here was a validation of how crazy I thought I was actually becomming. This place is full of beauty and made me think about my own beauty that I didn't believe existed anymore. Boy was I wrong. I don't what this is or why I'm back on here, but I'm thankful. My work has dug it into me that life is too short to spend complaining or unhappy. Reading back on this it's like night and day. I remember thinking that before too. So it didn't take meds or therapy. It took a breaking point and I think everyone has one. I hit mine. My mind wouldn't let me wander any farther. There's too much good stuff. Maybe a manic phase? Nah. I don't think so. I think today I had too much coffee and the excitement of seeing my friend's new baby got the best of me. It's hard to accept that there maybe nothing wrong when all you want is an excuse for how you feel. I know I can't be afraid. I can't be afraid of a hug, or a kiss, or smiling, or laughing. I threw myself into my work. Into my education, into my relationships which I'm still working on everyday. I still get sad, but it's ok once in while. What I don't get is hopeless. I don't feel empty, and I never was worthless. I haven't been the nicest person "growing up" so to speak, but I was meanest to myself. I still wish I could be better though. I wish I wouldn't judge people so harshly even if it's just in my own head. I wish I went to church (Catholic guilt). I wish I wasn't so skeptical about catholic guilt b/c it makes me feel guilty. I wish I had a more empathetic approach to my patients sometimes instead of just mumbling about what a pain in the ass they are under my breath. I yell at harmless old people in their cars when they don't drive fast enough, while I should be the one slowing down, and letting them lead.

Hiatus is what I suppose I've been on. A clearing. I thought I was losing it. I thought comming on here was a validation of how crazy I thought I was actually becomming. This place is full of beauty and made me think about my own beauty that I didn't believe existed anymore. Boy was I wrong. I don't what this is or why I'm back on here, but I'm thankful. My work has dug it into me that life is too short to spend complaining or unhappy. Reading back on this it's like night and day. I remember thinking that before too. So it didn't take meds or therapy. It took a breaking point and I think everyone has one. I hit mine. My mind wouldn't let me wander any farther. There's too much good stuff. Maybe a manic phase? Nah. I don't think so. I think today I had too much coffee and the excitement of seeing my friend's new baby got the best of me. It's hard to accept that there maybe nothing wrong when all you want is an excuse for how you feel. I know I can't be afraid. I can't be afraid of a hug, or a kiss, or smiling, or laughing. I threw myself into my work. Into my education, into my relationships which I'm still working on everyday. I still get sad, but it's ok once in while. What I don't get is hopeless. I don't feel empty, and I never was worthless. I haven't been the nicest person "growing up" so to speak, but I was meanest to myself. I still wish I could be better though. I wish I wouldn't judge people so harshly even if it's just in my own head. I wish I went to church (Catholic guilt). I wish I wasn't so skeptical about catholic guilt b/c it makes me feel guilty. I wish I had a more empathetic approach to my patients sometimes instead of just mumbling about what a pain in the ass they are under my breath. I yell at harmless old people in their cars when they don't drive fast enough, while I should be the one slowing down, and letting them lead. I don't know. LOL I need to stop thinking for awhile and just be I guess. I hope everyone is doing wonderfully. It's good to be back.