I wonder what it's like to love the city you live in. To feel the beauty underneath your feet, and the steps ahead of you just get bigger, brighter, better. To wake up and see a sunlight escaping from between the curtains, a sunlight twice as gold, three times as warm, and seemingly endless. To feel fearless amongst the buildings, the streets, the sidewalks, the trees. To look out the window, gaze from atop a cement hill, feeling a chest-swelling happiness that you're happy where you are on the planet. Even just for a day.
I want that. I need that. I dream of it every day. I see it behind my eyes without having to close them. I know exactly where I want to be. I even have the exact street picked out, as if I have any control over it. I know everything I want. And for once in my life, I will fucking make it happen. I won't give up. I will have what I want and I will get it sooner rather than later.
The only issue is, where to start? Do I apply for jobs there and hope I can find somewhere to live? Do I get a job here first? How the fuck do I find a roommate? I don't know what to do. And very, very few people have the ability to help me. I just can't wait to spend the next few years living in Boston. It hurts sometimes, but I have a dream. A real dream. A dream I can actually make happen. The first one since I lived in Anchorage.
The best part, is that I'm never alone in these daydreams. My head always has a lap, a chest, an arm to rest on. There's always a warm, firm hand on my leg. There's always a kiss on my forehead in the morning. Someone to get take out with me. Someone to watch movies with me. Someone to take me to parties, introduce me to new friends, and walk for miles through the city with me. A perfect love. A halo of early morning sunlight, still looking at me like I'm the most gorgeous thing in the world when my hair is a mess and no makeup on. Someone to smile because of me. Someone to remind me how much better the sunlight is at that moment. The one person to remind me of all the reasons I keep going on the bad days.
Moving on.... Reekie is still here. And still awesome. She's somehow taught Bryzly to be more cuddly. My dad gets back from Nebraska today.
I'm on a mac'n'cheese kick for some reason. I've lost 11 lbs. I'm getting a brazilian wax for the first time soon. Nervous still, but excited. I'm next to broke and I have to afford a hotel for a week in 12 days =/ aaand ummm my teddy bear STILL isn't here yet.
I don't have much more to say. Not many people read this anyways. And those that do, while being wonderful people, I can't seem to find the time to put effort into my end of the friendship. =[
Thank you everyone for getting Everlasting Light to 1600 comments
I stiiiiiiill think it could be bought. Keep the love, support, and spam coming ;D lol
xoxoxoxo Alyeska
I want that. I need that. I dream of it every day. I see it behind my eyes without having to close them. I know exactly where I want to be. I even have the exact street picked out, as if I have any control over it. I know everything I want. And for once in my life, I will fucking make it happen. I won't give up. I will have what I want and I will get it sooner rather than later.
The only issue is, where to start? Do I apply for jobs there and hope I can find somewhere to live? Do I get a job here first? How the fuck do I find a roommate? I don't know what to do. And very, very few people have the ability to help me. I just can't wait to spend the next few years living in Boston. It hurts sometimes, but I have a dream. A real dream. A dream I can actually make happen. The first one since I lived in Anchorage.
The best part, is that I'm never alone in these daydreams. My head always has a lap, a chest, an arm to rest on. There's always a warm, firm hand on my leg. There's always a kiss on my forehead in the morning. Someone to get take out with me. Someone to watch movies with me. Someone to take me to parties, introduce me to new friends, and walk for miles through the city with me. A perfect love. A halo of early morning sunlight, still looking at me like I'm the most gorgeous thing in the world when my hair is a mess and no makeup on. Someone to smile because of me. Someone to remind me how much better the sunlight is at that moment. The one person to remind me of all the reasons I keep going on the bad days.
Moving on.... Reekie is still here. And still awesome. She's somehow taught Bryzly to be more cuddly. My dad gets back from Nebraska today.
I'm on a mac'n'cheese kick for some reason. I've lost 11 lbs. I'm getting a brazilian wax for the first time soon. Nervous still, but excited. I'm next to broke and I have to afford a hotel for a week in 12 days =/ aaand ummm my teddy bear STILL isn't here yet. I don't have much more to say. Not many people read this anyways. And those that do, while being wonderful people, I can't seem to find the time to put effort into my end of the friendship. =[
Thank you everyone for getting Everlasting Light to 1600 comments
I stiiiiiiill think it could be bought. Keep the love, support, and spam coming ;D lol
xoxoxoxo Alyeska
PHOTO DUMP.
Reekie is here with me. We're pretty much being our awesome selves, even though our nights haven't been going well thanks to the other person in the apartment. But we get through it. We have the weekend to ourselves though, with the hide-a-bed (that sucks) and plenty of loud dubstep remixes and drinking without being afraid of fights and eating when we want and NOT HAVING TO WEAR PANTS.
I hope to do some cleaning around here late at night. I love cleaning at night. And my dad is the grossest, most disgusting person in the whole world. It's LITERALLY making Reekie and I sick.
On to the photos.
Reekie is here with me. We're pretty much being our awesome selves, even though our nights haven't been going well thanks to the other person in the apartment. But we get through it. We have the weekend to ourselves though, with the hide-a-bed (that sucks) and plenty of loud dubstep remixes and drinking without being afraid of fights and eating when we want and NOT HAVING TO WEAR PANTS.
I hope to do some cleaning around here late at night. I love cleaning at night. And my dad is the grossest, most disgusting person in the whole world. It's LITERALLY making Reekie and I sick.
On to the photos.
Wee 
Off to try and keep busy for a few hours until my dad heads to Nebraska and lets me be happy for a few days.
Congrats to Bitten and Kurosune on going pink!
Soon, maybe Siriuss and I will go pink?? 
But I'm only a few comments away from 1600 on Everlasting Light. There's still hope for me yet!
I love and miss you all. Sorry I've been so out of touch. I'll get back to normal soon, I promise. Just.... not until after June 14th. I have a special week coming up with a special someone and I plan on hardly being on my phone, let alone my laptop.
xoxoxoxo Aly
bawk bawk
Listening to Archer (and maybe watching a little) while I try to wake up.
I was up a little late last night. Worth every minute. But still.
Getting ready to drive 13-14 hours or so.
The last time I drove that long was Lincoln to Ft Hood.
Ft Hood to Phoenix wasn't even this bad.
BUT the cool thing is, it's a new drive for me. I love those.
And then once I hit Kearney/Hastings it won't be too strange to me.
Once I hit Lincoln I will know the drive 100%.
I hope it goes by fast. I have like $10 worth of little snack packs of nuts.
Figured it was a good choice for energy.
Also some beef jerky.
And waaattteerrr.
I should be ok.
Bryzly knows I'm leaving and is actually kinda being sweet.
I hope I don't miss her too much.
I CANT WAIT FOR THE NEXT MONTH, HOLY SHIT.
If only I could get a move on with... you know... moving the fuck out of here.
Soon.
Like, yesterday.
Or right now. But shit sucks and then you die.
I'll get to Boston eventually.
ANYWAYS I guess I should get going.
I need to get to Reekie so she can rub my back for me.
And my feet, that will be sore.
And she can play with my hair.
And let me sleep on a GOD DAMN bed.
And also cuddle me while I ramble on about nothing.
And also listen to me talk about Paolo.
And then go shopping with me for a ping pong paddle.
She doesn't know it, but I already have breath strips LOLOLOL
Ok I really need to eat something and finish and leave.
Have a great Thursday.
I'm gonna be driving through pretty much the entire Coyotes game
Will post when Reekie lets me on her computer. I hope. My password is all fucked.
I'll change it before I leave.
Otherwise there's always twitter
xoxoxoxo Alyeska
I was up a little late last night. Worth every minute. But still.
Getting ready to drive 13-14 hours or so.
The last time I drove that long was Lincoln to Ft Hood.
Ft Hood to Phoenix wasn't even this bad.
BUT the cool thing is, it's a new drive for me. I love those.
And then once I hit Kearney/Hastings it won't be too strange to me.
Once I hit Lincoln I will know the drive 100%.
I hope it goes by fast. I have like $10 worth of little snack packs of nuts.
Figured it was a good choice for energy.
Also some beef jerky.
And waaattteerrr.
I should be ok.
Bryzly knows I'm leaving and is actually kinda being sweet.
I hope I don't miss her too much.
I CANT WAIT FOR THE NEXT MONTH, HOLY SHIT.
If only I could get a move on with... you know... moving the fuck out of here.
Soon.
Like, yesterday.
Or right now. But shit sucks and then you die.
I'll get to Boston eventually.
ANYWAYS I guess I should get going.
I need to get to Reekie so she can rub my back for me.
And my feet, that will be sore.
And she can play with my hair.
And let me sleep on a GOD DAMN bed.
And also cuddle me while I ramble on about nothing.
And also listen to me talk about Paolo.
And then go shopping with me for a ping pong paddle.
She doesn't know it, but I already have breath strips LOLOLOL
Ok I really need to eat something and finish and leave.
Have a great Thursday.
I'm gonna be driving through pretty much the entire Coyotes game
Will post when Reekie lets me on her computer. I hope. My password is all fucked.
I'll change it before I leave.
Otherwise there's always twitter
xoxoxoxo Alyeska
Looks like there's a 13 hour roadtrip for me tomorrow.
Headed to Target in a few for a cheap cardigan and some smelly goods for my car.
I can't wait to see Reekie and I have to leave super early to make it there in time for the Coyotes game tomorrow.
I hope this happens. I don't feel like waiting until the weekend.
I have to stay in Iowa for a few days, and then drive back to Denver, only to go to Lincoln/Omaha the next weekend so I want to get back here asap.
It will be nice to have a few days away from Bryzly. She's been misbehaving a lot and I'm a little lost with what to do about it. I'm glad my dad is being so nice about watching her. =]
Wish me luck. This drive is going to be intense. But sooooo worth it. =]
More updates later I guess.
xoxoxo Aly
Headed to Target in a few for a cheap cardigan and some smelly goods for my car.
I can't wait to see Reekie and I have to leave super early to make it there in time for the Coyotes game tomorrow.
I hope this happens. I don't feel like waiting until the weekend.
I have to stay in Iowa for a few days, and then drive back to Denver, only to go to Lincoln/Omaha the next weekend so I want to get back here asap.
It will be nice to have a few days away from Bryzly. She's been misbehaving a lot and I'm a little lost with what to do about it. I'm glad my dad is being so nice about watching her. =]
Wish me luck. This drive is going to be intense. But sooooo worth it. =]
More updates later I guess.
xoxoxo Aly
I HAVE HAPPY THINGS TO REPORT FINALLY!
I leave sometime this weekend to drive 13 hours to the Quad Cities to pick up *drumroll* Reekie
My dad was going to help me fly her here and then fly her back. But his miles only applied to airlines that flew to Chicago. Trying to coordinate rides there and back and dates and times, it's easier and cheaper to just fucking drive there. Sadly, I can't kidnap her until after her little sister's recital. But starting Saturday night, she is fair game. But I told her dad that I would stay at his place with her for a few days, which I guess I don't mind. It means I get to sleep on a bed! And not a twin bed in a dorm room that was like 100 fucking degrees.
I'll be with her from basically the 19th/20th through June 9th. Weeeee! Not so awesome part is that we may have to ride in a tiny ass Camaro for 8 hours the weekend AFTER that to Lincoln for a car show. I'm only supposed to go to see my brother, but if my dad's car is in a show HOW WILL I GET TO MY BROTHER?! So we will see what happens.
Also, my nightly dates will be fucked with. Not cool. But it's worth it. I really need time with her. Alone time. For cuddles, backrubs, discussing sex in detail, poop jokes, sushi, bacon cheeseburgers, cheap champagne, and ass-grabbing. It's not like I'm losing contact with anyone hahahaha.
But then on the 9th, someone else is arriving and I can't fucking waaaiiiitttttt. I think about it allllllll day. Unless I'm thinking about Reekie. Or food. But omg omg omg omg! I am spending every day leading up to it preparing, and being sick with excitement. Ugh I am just so fucking excited for everything. Also, staying in a hotel for a week which means A BIIIIGG GIANT SOFT BED THAT WILL NOT KILL MY BACK! And not waking up to asshole dogs barking for hours in the morning omg. And not dealing with my drunk ass fucking dad every night. I get to shower whenever I want, for the most part. And cuddle and watch adult swim all fucking night. And just oommgg AIR CONDITIONING, AND FOOD WHEN I WANT, AND FUCKKKKKKKKKKK I CANT WAIT. I am so ready to feel like I'm a 23 year old again. And drive around all day or all night, seeing the mountains in the distance and just discovering Denver with my friends good lord I am happy.
It's going to cost sooooo much out of my moving fund. But after what I've been through? After what I deal with every god damn day. The abuse, the hurt, the fucking dogs, demon children screaming outside every fucking afternoon. Also my friends are helping out with their trips, so that's nice. But I've given up like anything pricey until I'm with Reekie. Sure I'm getting a haircut, and need shampoo that works lol. But no starbucks, no delivery food, new clothes until I'm with her. YAY FOR ME!
Also, she owes me HAHAHAHAHA. Also, this is her birthday present. 13 HOUR ROADTRIP AND DYNG EACH OTHER'S HAIR AND EVERYTHING IS GREATTTTTTT.
Also, I get hugs and kisses every day for 25 days.
Remind me to pick up a pingpong paddle.
I need to go shower now. Because well, it's game day and I need to be clean.... also I've been awake for two hours and this is the most I've accomplished. Also there is a bug bite on my tit. WHY?!
I can't wait to have a reason to take pictures and shit again. I am soooooo excited. I can't hold it in. I can't handle it. I can't RELAX.
I will stop rambling now. This blog is like 60% pointless haha.
Also, Aerion is awesome.
ok bye xox Aly
I leave sometime this weekend to drive 13 hours to the Quad Cities to pick up *drumroll* Reekie
My dad was going to help me fly her here and then fly her back. But his miles only applied to airlines that flew to Chicago. Trying to coordinate rides there and back and dates and times, it's easier and cheaper to just fucking drive there. Sadly, I can't kidnap her until after her little sister's recital. But starting Saturday night, she is fair game. But I told her dad that I would stay at his place with her for a few days, which I guess I don't mind. It means I get to sleep on a bed! And not a twin bed in a dorm room that was like 100 fucking degrees.
I'll be with her from basically the 19th/20th through June 9th. Weeeee! Not so awesome part is that we may have to ride in a tiny ass Camaro for 8 hours the weekend AFTER that to Lincoln for a car show. I'm only supposed to go to see my brother, but if my dad's car is in a show HOW WILL I GET TO MY BROTHER?! So we will see what happens.
Also, my nightly dates will be fucked with. Not cool. But it's worth it. I really need time with her. Alone time. For cuddles, backrubs, discussing sex in detail, poop jokes, sushi, bacon cheeseburgers, cheap champagne, and ass-grabbing. It's not like I'm losing contact with anyone hahahaha.
But then on the 9th, someone else is arriving and I can't fucking waaaiiiitttttt.
I think about it allllllll day. Unless I'm thinking about Reekie. Or food. But omg omg omg omg! I am spending every day leading up to it preparing, and being sick with excitement. Ugh I am just so fucking excited for everything. Also, staying in a hotel for a week which means A BIIIIGG GIANT SOFT BED THAT WILL NOT KILL MY BACK! And not waking up to asshole dogs barking for hours in the morning omg. And not dealing with my drunk ass fucking dad every night. I get to shower whenever I want, for the most part. And cuddle and watch adult swim all fucking night. And just oommgg AIR CONDITIONING, AND FOOD WHEN I WANT, AND FUCKKKKKKKKKKK I CANT WAIT. I am so ready to feel like I'm a 23 year old again. And drive around all day or all night, seeing the mountains in the distance and just discovering Denver with my friends good lord I am happy. It's going to cost sooooo much out of my moving fund. But after what I've been through? After what I deal with every god damn day. The abuse, the hurt, the fucking dogs, demon children screaming outside every fucking afternoon. Also my friends are helping out with their trips, so that's nice. But I've given up like anything pricey until I'm with Reekie. Sure I'm getting a haircut, and need shampoo that works lol. But no starbucks, no delivery food, new clothes until I'm with her. YAY FOR ME!
Also, she owes me HAHAHAHAHA. Also, this is her birthday present. 13 HOUR ROADTRIP AND DYNG EACH OTHER'S HAIR AND EVERYTHING IS GREATTTTTTT.
Also, I get hugs and kisses every day for 25 days.
Remind me to pick up a pingpong paddle.
I need to go shower now. Because well, it's game day and I need to be clean.... also I've been awake for two hours and this is the most I've accomplished. Also there is a bug bite on my tit. WHY?!
I can't wait to have a reason to take pictures and shit again. I am soooooo excited. I can't hold it in. I can't handle it. I can't RELAX.
I will stop rambling now. This blog is like 60% pointless haha.
Also, Aerion is awesome.
ok bye xox Aly
Hey look, another caffeine-fueled ramble about absolutely nothing. 
I had a long ass blog written about my mom and why Mother's Day makes me feel pretty empty and dead inside. But I just don't want to post sad shit anymore. I really don't. I'm sick of it.
Money should hit the bank tomorrow. I'm excited. I'm getting my hair cut, and might even have my roots done instead of doing them myself. I just need to do girly things. It's gonna cost like $100+ because my hair is SO fucking thick. And they NEVER thin it out before they dye it. I hate it. But my hair is too thick to do myself without someone to help me. I wish I was in the Quad Cities so Steph could do it, but nope.
I have a big event coming up in 27 days. I can't wait. It's not even set in stone, but my hopes are already up and I can't let it go. It's going to cost soooo much, but it's sooooo worth it.
I almost bought a few cardigans yesterday. I won't have my clothes back for a few months, so it's worth it. The only reason I didn't was because I was wearing a sports bra that is two sizes too small so if I tried them on, I wouldn't have any clue if they looked good or not, lol. I might go back and buy one or two. Something nice to wear. All I have is hockey shirts. Laaaaame.
I've seen every Archer episode now. And that makes me sad because, well, I like new Archer episodes lol. I need to re-watch some though. I'm addicted.
I wish I had a girl here to help me go shopping for cute things. =[
I need to shower in a few. It's Coyotes game day, must be prepared LOL. But I'm also gonna play some more AC2 so I can finish it (again) and then trade it in for Brotherhood. I might be getting 'waxed' for the first time in a few weeks. I am terrified out of my mind. Not really of the pain, but.... another girl being down there long enough to wax it all. I'm sooo shy about it. Plus, I know it's gonna hurt for a bit and I need to know how far ahead of time to get it done before I can get sexual without the pain being a problem. I'm sooooo nervous for it oh my god. But I'm also SUPER excited. Sooooo excited. It's weird.
Anyways, I really don't have much more to say soo.... until next time I guess.
xox Aly
I had a long ass blog written about my mom and why Mother's Day makes me feel pretty empty and dead inside. But I just don't want to post sad shit anymore. I really don't. I'm sick of it.
Money should hit the bank tomorrow. I'm excited. I'm getting my hair cut, and might even have my roots done instead of doing them myself. I just need to do girly things. It's gonna cost like $100+ because my hair is SO fucking thick. And they NEVER thin it out before they dye it. I hate it. But my hair is too thick to do myself without someone to help me. I wish I was in the Quad Cities so Steph could do it, but nope.
I have a big event coming up in 27 days. I can't wait. It's not even set in stone, but my hopes are already up and I can't let it go. It's going to cost soooo much, but it's sooooo worth it.
I almost bought a few cardigans yesterday. I won't have my clothes back for a few months, so it's worth it. The only reason I didn't was because I was wearing a sports bra that is two sizes too small so if I tried them on, I wouldn't have any clue if they looked good or not, lol. I might go back and buy one or two. Something nice to wear. All I have is hockey shirts. Laaaaame.
I've seen every Archer episode now. And that makes me sad because, well, I like new Archer episodes lol. I need to re-watch some though. I'm addicted.
I wish I had a girl here to help me go shopping for cute things. =[
I need to shower in a few. It's Coyotes game day, must be prepared LOL. But I'm also gonna play some more AC2 so I can finish it (again) and then trade it in for Brotherhood. I might be getting 'waxed' for the first time in a few weeks. I am terrified out of my mind. Not really of the pain, but.... another girl being down there long enough to wax it all. I'm sooo shy about it. Plus, I know it's gonna hurt for a bit and I need to know how far ahead of time to get it done before I can get sexual without the pain being a problem. I'm sooooo nervous for it oh my god. But I'm also SUPER excited. Sooooo excited. It's weird.
Anyways, I really don't have much more to say soo.... until next time I guess.
xox Aly
HAPPY BIRTHDAY Reekie
I LOVE YOU, LADY!
This is a blog dedicated to photos of my best friend, my wifey, my sister, and my other half.
Random memories, all the best times together in 3 and a half years.
I'm sorry I can't be with you today, but hopefully we'll be together soon!
REMEMBER THIS SHOT? AT OLD CHICAGO WITH KANER? LOLOLOLOL
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH WOMAN!
xoxoxoxoxoxo Alyeska
everyone go tell her HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Now!
I LOVE YOU, LADY!
This is a blog dedicated to photos of my best friend, my wifey, my sister, and my other half.
Random memories, all the best times together in 3 and a half years.
I'm sorry I can't be with you today, but hopefully we'll be together soon!
REMEMBER THIS SHOT? AT OLD CHICAGO WITH KANER? LOLOLOLOL
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH WOMAN!
xoxoxoxoxoxo Alyeska
everyone go tell her HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Now!
Taking dad to the airport in a few. He's headed to Omaha without me. We were supposed to drive together, but then he wanted to fly and leave me here alone. I'm not too sad. I would have liked to see my baby brother, but I love any moment I can get without him.
I get the whooooole weekend alone.
Also, It's officially been a week without "drinking." I had that Cinco de Mayo shot. And a sip of my dad's homebrew. But I haven't "drank" in a week. YAY!
I'm kinda back on caffeine though. But I'm getting on average 5 hours of sleep. Maybe.
It's only in the morning and only coffee.
THAT MEANS ITS BEEN A WEEK WITHOUT SODA. DOUBLE YAY.
I've already noticed some weight loss. Drinking 4 liters of water a day helps. A lot.
I'm still having moments/days where I am just sooo depressed. But they're getting better and I know it will even out. I also know that the nearest hospital is like.... down the street basically. So if it gets too bad, I can get help.
I can't wait to dye my roots this weekend! WOOOOO! Over-fucking-due. I wish I could get a haircut.
Torrenting Heart of Archness and the part of Archer season 3 I haven't seen. BEARCLAW OM NOM NOM NOM
I might be working online a little soon. Not sure. We'll see.
I miss Paolo. Might be moving to Iowa for the rest of 2012. I hope to see my Paolo next month. Like soon. Bryzly is an annoying little fucker and I love her so much. I miss Reekie too. We've been a little off lately.
xoxoxo Aly
I get the whooooole weekend alone.
Also, It's officially been a week without "drinking." I had that Cinco de Mayo shot. And a sip of my dad's homebrew. But I haven't "drank" in a week. YAY!
I'm kinda back on caffeine though. But I'm getting on average 5 hours of sleep. Maybe.
It's only in the morning and only coffee.
THAT MEANS ITS BEEN A WEEK WITHOUT SODA. DOUBLE YAY.
I've already noticed some weight loss. Drinking 4 liters of water a day helps. A lot.
I'm still having moments/days where I am just sooo depressed. But they're getting better and I know it will even out. I also know that the nearest hospital is like.... down the street basically. So if it gets too bad, I can get help.
I can't wait to dye my roots this weekend! WOOOOO! Over-fucking-due. I wish I could get a haircut.
Torrenting Heart of Archness and the part of Archer season 3 I haven't seen. BEARCLAW OM NOM NOM NOM
I might be working online a little soon. Not sure. We'll see.
I miss Paolo. Might be moving to Iowa for the rest of 2012. I hope to see my Paolo next month. Like soon. Bryzly is an annoying little fucker and I love her so much. I miss Reekie too. We've been a little off lately.
xoxoxo Aly
Now that I've had time to calm the fuck down....mostly. Ate $50 worth of sushi by myself. Listened to Strangeland a few times. All these calming things. Had a few little break downs and cried a few times. You know, calming things. I can tell you a little more.
My dad listened to me today when I explained that I've quit drinking, cut back on caffeine almost completely. I've had coffee twice since Friday. Snuck some iced tea once lol. And my nicotine has been cut in half as well. He understands that I'm going through a physical detox. I'm also trying to fix my sleep schedule. So my body is physically exhausted and in pain right now. He was kind and understanding. It helped to bring it up after his first drink, when he was happy but not drunk. Sad to have to do that, but work with what you have, right? He still gives me shit for taking my Celexa but oh well. He also understands that I can't possibly get a job until I'm over this hurdle. How am I supposed to interview for a job when I can't wake up and I'm sick?
That helped a little. He wasn't too bad today. Threw a fit when he couldn't sleep and I refused to listen to his usual drunken "I hate my life" ramblings. But oh well. Shit happens, ya know?
But my guy.... he was the most help tonight. I went numb for a while after an entire day of pain, and it was hard for me to really connect with him. But I'm so happy to have him in my life. He's the total opposite of me in almost every way. Like 99% opposite. But I love it. I love everything about him and what he is. He frustrates the hell out of me. And I still get jealous of all the girls he talks to and I still get my doubts.
He's the most social person I've ever known. I'm trying so hard every day to not be a petty, jealous girl. I'm trying to learn from it. To grow from it. I still have my moments. And there's one girl that still really pisses me off. But I just want to be a better person, a stronger woman. With everything that's going on to better myself, it's not my priority and I still fuck up, but I'm only human.
He's also calm. Like alllll the fucking time. Cool, collected, strong, and in control. He has his own moments, that are completely justified. But I'm passionate, angry, volatile, and have zero control over my emotions. Total opposites. I hope that once my life is more stable, I can start learning from him. How to be so in control. But, to be honest, I hope he can learn to let his passionate side out. Not just sexually, either. Just total passion and emotion and feeling everything there is to feel and just letting go. While I need to learn to control my emotions, there's something to be said for letting go and just going with how you feel and experiencing it.
I don't think he knows how much help he was tonight by simply spending time with me. Even when I was being difficult. I was still a little upset, and partly with him, but I got over it. Like I always do. He's amazing to me. He's still a little lost with how to deal with me, but I also have to get used to a guy who hasn't known me for two years. It's not easy. Nothing about this is. I wish I could explain more about why it hurts so much, but I can't. Not now.
But I cry sometimes. Just sitting here, or laying down, or even in the shower once. It's for a reason. But my heart breaks. It's a physical pain, I can feel it in my chest, my fingertips, my neck, my lips, and my eyes. It hurts. It's a violent longing. And I have no idea when it will be cured.
Before he fell asleep he texted me a few times. One of the things he said is hands down the SWEETEST thing anyone has ever said to me. "I can't get enough of you." I have never had anyone say that to me before. And judging by the situation and how the night had gone, I don't doubt it one bit. It's hard to believe, but I don't doubt it. Does that make sense? I've never had anyone say that to me so it's a new feeling to deal with, but I know he means it. It was the biggest smile I've had all day. And one of three smiles I've had all day.
I wish he hadn't fallen asleep before I could say goodnight. I'll probably end up sending him a series of 10 or so sappy ass fucking texts. Some of which are apologies. I hope he doesn't mind.
He and Reekie are the lights of my life right now. Reekie has been a bit busy so, thankfully he has been there for me when she can't be. Bryzly may have an eye infection, and in three days I start dieting. I'll be broke soon, including emptying my savings. Which is money to move out of Denver. But I am trying to better myself and it's a struggle at first. So atleast I have them. And the Coyotes.
I'm depressed, hurting, broken. But I have friends with glue and supportive words. I couldn't say enough about how supportive he is without being biased, controlling, or manipulative. It's exactly what I need right now. And might need for a year. Or five. Or more. Who knows. I like to think in months right now.I need to shut up now.
I really need to sleep. I want to wake up in time to have regular coffee instea of halfcaf or decaf. I hope I can do it. Depends on how shitty the dogs act. Lord knows if I get coffee I'll end up writing a new blog anyways lol.
So yes, I'm doing better. But things are still hard. I'm still depressed. I'm still crying randomly. Still detoxing. But I am loved. Cared for. Supported. Truly supported. And someone can't get me out of their head. It's a wonderful feeling. I'm human. Vulnerable. Pained. Loved FOR every second of it.
xoxoxo Alyeska
My dad listened to me today when I explained that I've quit drinking, cut back on caffeine almost completely. I've had coffee twice since Friday. Snuck some iced tea once lol. And my nicotine has been cut in half as well. He understands that I'm going through a physical detox. I'm also trying to fix my sleep schedule. So my body is physically exhausted and in pain right now. He was kind and understanding. It helped to bring it up after his first drink, when he was happy but not drunk. Sad to have to do that, but work with what you have, right? He still gives me shit for taking my Celexa but oh well. He also understands that I can't possibly get a job until I'm over this hurdle. How am I supposed to interview for a job when I can't wake up and I'm sick?
That helped a little. He wasn't too bad today. Threw a fit when he couldn't sleep and I refused to listen to his usual drunken "I hate my life" ramblings. But oh well. Shit happens, ya know?
But my guy.... he was the most help tonight. I went numb for a while after an entire day of pain, and it was hard for me to really connect with him. But I'm so happy to have him in my life. He's the total opposite of me in almost every way. Like 99% opposite. But I love it. I love everything about him and what he is. He frustrates the hell out of me. And I still get jealous of all the girls he talks to and I still get my doubts.
He's the most social person I've ever known. I'm trying so hard every day to not be a petty, jealous girl. I'm trying to learn from it. To grow from it. I still have my moments. And there's one girl that still really pisses me off. But I just want to be a better person, a stronger woman. With everything that's going on to better myself, it's not my priority and I still fuck up, but I'm only human.
He's also calm. Like alllll the fucking time. Cool, collected, strong, and in control. He has his own moments, that are completely justified. But I'm passionate, angry, volatile, and have zero control over my emotions. Total opposites. I hope that once my life is more stable, I can start learning from him. How to be so in control. But, to be honest, I hope he can learn to let his passionate side out. Not just sexually, either. Just total passion and emotion and feeling everything there is to feel and just letting go. While I need to learn to control my emotions, there's something to be said for letting go and just going with how you feel and experiencing it.
I don't think he knows how much help he was tonight by simply spending time with me. Even when I was being difficult. I was still a little upset, and partly with him, but I got over it. Like I always do. He's amazing to me. He's still a little lost with how to deal with me, but I also have to get used to a guy who hasn't known me for two years. It's not easy. Nothing about this is. I wish I could explain more about why it hurts so much, but I can't. Not now.
But I cry sometimes. Just sitting here, or laying down, or even in the shower once. It's for a reason. But my heart breaks. It's a physical pain, I can feel it in my chest, my fingertips, my neck, my lips, and my eyes. It hurts. It's a violent longing. And I have no idea when it will be cured.
Before he fell asleep he texted me a few times. One of the things he said is hands down the SWEETEST thing anyone has ever said to me. "I can't get enough of you." I have never had anyone say that to me before. And judging by the situation and how the night had gone, I don't doubt it one bit. It's hard to believe, but I don't doubt it. Does that make sense? I've never had anyone say that to me so it's a new feeling to deal with, but I know he means it. It was the biggest smile I've had all day. And one of three smiles I've had all day.
I wish he hadn't fallen asleep before I could say goodnight. I'll probably end up sending him a series of 10 or so sappy ass fucking texts. Some of which are apologies. I hope he doesn't mind.
He and Reekie are the lights of my life right now. Reekie has been a bit busy so, thankfully he has been there for me when she can't be. Bryzly may have an eye infection, and in three days I start dieting. I'll be broke soon, including emptying my savings. Which is money to move out of Denver. But I am trying to better myself and it's a struggle at first. So atleast I have them. And the Coyotes.
I'm depressed, hurting, broken. But I have friends with glue and supportive words. I couldn't say enough about how supportive he is without being biased, controlling, or manipulative. It's exactly what I need right now. And might need for a year. Or five. Or more. Who knows. I like to think in months right now.I need to shut up now.
I really need to sleep. I want to wake up in time to have regular coffee instea of halfcaf or decaf. I hope I can do it. Depends on how shitty the dogs act. Lord knows if I get coffee I'll end up writing a new blog anyways lol.
So yes, I'm doing better. But things are still hard. I'm still depressed. I'm still crying randomly. Still detoxing. But I am loved. Cared for. Supported. Truly supported. And someone can't get me out of their head. It's a wonderful feeling. I'm human. Vulnerable. Pained. Loved FOR every second of it.
xoxoxo Alyeska
Hello Blog-Readers.
I'm glad to finally have the mental capacity, caffeine overdose, and boredom to replace that really upsetting last blog.
First things first; thank you to everyone who was supportive and loving and caring with my last blog. Sometimes I worry about what I post here, but times like that, I ALWAYS have my friends here. I know I didn't reply to anyone, and I hope that didn't make you feel like you went unheard. Once I moved past the event, I couldn't think about it anymore. I still struggle with knowing it happened. So I hope this thank you is enough.
Moving on;
This blog will be jumbled and off and totally... um.. just hold on I guess.
I'm glad to finally have the mental capacity, caffeine overdose, and boredom to replace that really upsetting last blog.
First things first; thank you to everyone who was supportive and loving and caring with my last blog. Sometimes I worry about what I post here, but times like that, I ALWAYS have my friends here. I know I didn't reply to anyone, and I hope that didn't make you feel like you went unheard. Once I moved past the event, I couldn't think about it anymore. I still struggle with knowing it happened. So I hope this thank you is enough.
Moving on;
This blog will be jumbled and off and totally... um.. just hold on I guess.
So yeah let's move on to something good.
-Aly 
