Scottish author Irvine Welsh is so cool that he had the audacity to stand up David Bowie, twice. Think about that for a second. Welshy has an imagination like a hydrogen bomb; He is the brilliant mind behind such classics as Trainspotting, Porno, Glue, Filth, The Acid House, and my personal favorite, Maribou Stork Nightmares. But he is not the bad-boy that his reputation might suggest. He's smooth as a con-man -- witty, wise, sarcastic, and cunning. Plus, he once survived falling down a fire escape... what's not cool about that? He's a great guy, an honorable man and it was a pleasure to interview him. His most recent book is a sweet collection of short stories, titled "If You Liked School You'll Love Work". Seriously, is there anything he can't do?
SuicideGirls chatted with Welsh about his creative process, violence, sex and asked him to share an excerpt of the most recent thing he's written. To our delight, he kindly obliged....
Garrett Faber: What's your imagination like? How long will you sit and think about a scene before you actually write it? Do you just bang it out in one shot or do you chip away at it until it's perfect?
Irvine Welsh: Both. Bang it out in one shot, then chip away at it until I get bored with it. It's never perfect.
GF: Are you a perfectionist? Are there any scenes, books, etc. that you wish you could change?
IW: Only retrospectively. Every book I've done, I think of something I could have done better... haven't been satisfied with any of them. I think there's a point where you just can't stand them anymore.
GF: How do you find a good ending to your stories? Where does the end come from?
IW: Sometimes you don't know how to to end it and a clue is always to look at the start. See where that character should end up as the result of the journey they are on.
GF: What do you write with? Are you a computer person or do you use a typewriter? Are you a naturally good speller? How do you write in those dialects? Is it easier to write in a dialect or just "normal" speech? While reading Maribou Stork Nightmares, I was getting lost in some of those accents and things -- it was pretty amazing.
IW: I write on the computer and long-hand in cafes. My spelling is shite. It's got better over the years. Standard English is easier than dialect, in many cases there is no consensus how dialect words should appear on the page so you have to make your own decisions.
GF: Can you show me the last thing you've written -- minutes ago, hours ago, doesn't matter when -- just the last thing you've written, an excerpt?
IW: "There had been a plague of fruit flies, I had remembered somebody talking about it on the local news, but this morning I saw the evidence with my own eyes for the first time. It was impressive. The longer you live the less life can surprise you, but this was crazy. The beasties kept coating the windshield and the wipers couldn't keep up. I had to stop on a number of occasions to clean them off. Sometimes you're the fly, sometimes you're the windscreen, Arthur observed from behind his shades, not in any great hurry to help out." I wrote that about 15 minutes ago.
GF: What were some memorable concerts you've gone to? Did you ever meet David Bowie or Brian Molko or Eddie Izzard?
IW: No. I stood Bowie up, twice. Once at a party for Trainspotting in New York [and] once when he wanted to take me out to a restaurant in Glasgow. I idolize Bowie and never want to meet him, as I still don't trust myself not to turn into a 13-year-old girl around him.
GF: What is the meaning of life? What is the meaning of death?
IW: Enjoy it because once you hit thirty, it's almost over. Death starts at twenty-eight.
GF: Do you follow politics in general? Why would you vote for Obama?
IW: I keep abreast of the political scene without -- to my shame -- being much of an activist. If I could vote in America I'd probably vote for Obama. I just don't think America and the world needs yet another stupid, rich white guy tied to oil and the industrial-military complex.
GF: Have you ever been a part of any football/soccer hooliganism? Riots, fist fights, kickboxing matches, karate battles, jousts, UFC, WWE, breakdancing -- why are people so nuts about violence?
IW: I was involved in minor football hooliganism in my teens and early twenties. People like violence because it's a great buzz and it's partly what our bodies were designed to do.
GF: If you were in going to prison for life and they told you the only way you could go free was to fight a grizzly bear to the death, would you be able to defeat this gnarly creature?
IW: The only outside chance you would have would be to run headfirst into its crotch and bite its genitals off. You'd probably be mauled to death before you got close enough though.
GF: Have you ever had a tarot card reading? What did they tell you?
IW: I can't remember; I was very drunk at the time.
GF: Would you ever write a book about fashion models and the fashion industry? You should, it's really intense.
IW: It's not on my immediate list of priorities but never say never. There are fascinating elements to it.
GF: What made you write a book about a cop and his tapeworm?
IW: I've always been interested in the host-parasite relationship.
GF: What are some cool things you've gotten from a yard sale?
IW: When I lived in San Francisco in the Mission district I used to get great stuff from yard sales. I still have a magnificent halogen lamp. In my street in Dublin they don't have [yard sales]; They just dump any shit they don't want in the street. It's all crap though.
GF: What did you think of the Trainspotting movie... does it still hold up now, ten years later? Do you love it more or hate it more? Are you sick of it yet?
IW: I love it, even though I haven't seen it for a while now.
GF: How do you feel about your image? I personally thought you'd be crazy and diabolical.
IW: I'm not that bothered about my image. I have a bad-boy reputation that's based on other people's prejudices; They imagine me to be like characters in my books.
GF: Are you religious? What do you think of Alan Moore's worship of the snake god Glycon?
IW: Fuck the church. People can worship anything they want as long as they don't try and inflict it on others. I'd ban religious instruction from every school in the world and turn churches into night clubs.
GF: What comic books do you read? If you were to write a John Constantine Hellblazer story, what would it involve? Damn, the prospect of that idea is getting me excited already... you should totally call up DC and do that shit, word.
IW: I wait until somebody sends me them. I'd probably kill off Constantine and have him come back as a ghost and do battle with the ghosts of his past friends that haunt him.
GF: Do you have any major regrets in your life?
IW: Not really. I think it pans out the way it does and you have to play the hand you've been given. At most big junctions in life I've made okay decisions.
GF: What's your favorite horror film?
IW: Any one of the Evil Dead series. I'm a big Bruce Campbell fan and horror always works for me best with laughs. Straight horror would be the Exorcist as when I watched it as a young man I had terrible DT's. I remember freaking on the couch of Aunty Joyce in Wolverhampton, England, and her saying, "Is it drugs?" and me going, "No, no, it's the Exorcist."
GF: Did you read Bruce Campbell's autobiography? It was really awesome.
IW: Yes, I did. I hung out with Bruce in Austin when the book came out and I've a signed copy here.
GF: Let's talk about SEX! Does it get better or worse as you get older?
IW: I think you get better at sex as you get older. It's like any skill, it improves with repetition. I think you become more centered on what does it for your partner.
GF: Does your sex drive really go down when you get older?
IW: Personally, I haven't noticed.
GF: Is there a difference between "making love", "having sex" and "fucking?"
IW: Of course there is. When people get it on they make a contract and usually for one of those three.
GF: Do you have any kinks or fetishes? I personally like bellybuttons.
IW: Handbags.
GF: You wrote a book called Porno, but do you still watch it? What kind do you like?
IW: I don't watch porn. Other people's fucking doesn't interest me that much. If you get aroused by it, you just wank off. [It's] better having sex. I obviously watched a lot in order to write the book.
GF: Today is my birthday, by the way, what were some of your memorable birthdays?
IW: I fell 30 foot down a fire escape on my 20th birthday.
GF: Are you going to have any children soon? Do you think you'd be a good father? What was your childhood like?
IW: No, I've no plans to have kids. If I did I'd probably be an absentee father. My own childhood was fantastic. A poor, but very loving household and community. If I had kids, I'd never be able to give them that and I wouldn't want to give them less.
GF: How do you feel about Irvine Welsh?
IW: I love the man with all my heart.
For more information on Irvine Welsh go to www.irvinewelsh.net
SuicideGirls chatted with Welsh about his creative process, violence, sex and asked him to share an excerpt of the most recent thing he's written. To our delight, he kindly obliged....
Garrett Faber: What's your imagination like? How long will you sit and think about a scene before you actually write it? Do you just bang it out in one shot or do you chip away at it until it's perfect?
Irvine Welsh: Both. Bang it out in one shot, then chip away at it until I get bored with it. It's never perfect.
GF: Are you a perfectionist? Are there any scenes, books, etc. that you wish you could change?
IW: Only retrospectively. Every book I've done, I think of something I could have done better... haven't been satisfied with any of them. I think there's a point where you just can't stand them anymore.
GF: How do you find a good ending to your stories? Where does the end come from?
IW: Sometimes you don't know how to to end it and a clue is always to look at the start. See where that character should end up as the result of the journey they are on.
GF: What do you write with? Are you a computer person or do you use a typewriter? Are you a naturally good speller? How do you write in those dialects? Is it easier to write in a dialect or just "normal" speech? While reading Maribou Stork Nightmares, I was getting lost in some of those accents and things -- it was pretty amazing.
IW: I write on the computer and long-hand in cafes. My spelling is shite. It's got better over the years. Standard English is easier than dialect, in many cases there is no consensus how dialect words should appear on the page so you have to make your own decisions.
GF: Can you show me the last thing you've written -- minutes ago, hours ago, doesn't matter when -- just the last thing you've written, an excerpt?
IW: "There had been a plague of fruit flies, I had remembered somebody talking about it on the local news, but this morning I saw the evidence with my own eyes for the first time. It was impressive. The longer you live the less life can surprise you, but this was crazy. The beasties kept coating the windshield and the wipers couldn't keep up. I had to stop on a number of occasions to clean them off. Sometimes you're the fly, sometimes you're the windscreen, Arthur observed from behind his shades, not in any great hurry to help out." I wrote that about 15 minutes ago.
GF: What were some memorable concerts you've gone to? Did you ever meet David Bowie or Brian Molko or Eddie Izzard?
IW: No. I stood Bowie up, twice. Once at a party for Trainspotting in New York [and] once when he wanted to take me out to a restaurant in Glasgow. I idolize Bowie and never want to meet him, as I still don't trust myself not to turn into a 13-year-old girl around him.
GF: What is the meaning of life? What is the meaning of death?
IW: Enjoy it because once you hit thirty, it's almost over. Death starts at twenty-eight.
GF: Do you follow politics in general? Why would you vote for Obama?
IW: I keep abreast of the political scene without -- to my shame -- being much of an activist. If I could vote in America I'd probably vote for Obama. I just don't think America and the world needs yet another stupid, rich white guy tied to oil and the industrial-military complex.
GF: Have you ever been a part of any football/soccer hooliganism? Riots, fist fights, kickboxing matches, karate battles, jousts, UFC, WWE, breakdancing -- why are people so nuts about violence?
IW: I was involved in minor football hooliganism in my teens and early twenties. People like violence because it's a great buzz and it's partly what our bodies were designed to do.
GF: If you were in going to prison for life and they told you the only way you could go free was to fight a grizzly bear to the death, would you be able to defeat this gnarly creature?
IW: The only outside chance you would have would be to run headfirst into its crotch and bite its genitals off. You'd probably be mauled to death before you got close enough though.
GF: Have you ever had a tarot card reading? What did they tell you?
IW: I can't remember; I was very drunk at the time.
GF: Would you ever write a book about fashion models and the fashion industry? You should, it's really intense.
IW: It's not on my immediate list of priorities but never say never. There are fascinating elements to it.
GF: What made you write a book about a cop and his tapeworm?
IW: I've always been interested in the host-parasite relationship.
GF: What are some cool things you've gotten from a yard sale?
IW: When I lived in San Francisco in the Mission district I used to get great stuff from yard sales. I still have a magnificent halogen lamp. In my street in Dublin they don't have [yard sales]; They just dump any shit they don't want in the street. It's all crap though.
GF: What did you think of the Trainspotting movie... does it still hold up now, ten years later? Do you love it more or hate it more? Are you sick of it yet?
IW: I love it, even though I haven't seen it for a while now.
GF: How do you feel about your image? I personally thought you'd be crazy and diabolical.
IW: I'm not that bothered about my image. I have a bad-boy reputation that's based on other people's prejudices; They imagine me to be like characters in my books.
GF: Are you religious? What do you think of Alan Moore's worship of the snake god Glycon?
IW: Fuck the church. People can worship anything they want as long as they don't try and inflict it on others. I'd ban religious instruction from every school in the world and turn churches into night clubs.
GF: What comic books do you read? If you were to write a John Constantine Hellblazer story, what would it involve? Damn, the prospect of that idea is getting me excited already... you should totally call up DC and do that shit, word.
IW: I wait until somebody sends me them. I'd probably kill off Constantine and have him come back as a ghost and do battle with the ghosts of his past friends that haunt him.
GF: Do you have any major regrets in your life?
IW: Not really. I think it pans out the way it does and you have to play the hand you've been given. At most big junctions in life I've made okay decisions.
GF: What's your favorite horror film?
IW: Any one of the Evil Dead series. I'm a big Bruce Campbell fan and horror always works for me best with laughs. Straight horror would be the Exorcist as when I watched it as a young man I had terrible DT's. I remember freaking on the couch of Aunty Joyce in Wolverhampton, England, and her saying, "Is it drugs?" and me going, "No, no, it's the Exorcist."
GF: Did you read Bruce Campbell's autobiography? It was really awesome.
IW: Yes, I did. I hung out with Bruce in Austin when the book came out and I've a signed copy here.
GF: Let's talk about SEX! Does it get better or worse as you get older?
IW: I think you get better at sex as you get older. It's like any skill, it improves with repetition. I think you become more centered on what does it for your partner.
GF: Does your sex drive really go down when you get older?
IW: Personally, I haven't noticed.
GF: Is there a difference between "making love", "having sex" and "fucking?"
IW: Of course there is. When people get it on they make a contract and usually for one of those three.
GF: Do you have any kinks or fetishes? I personally like bellybuttons.
IW: Handbags.
GF: You wrote a book called Porno, but do you still watch it? What kind do you like?
IW: I don't watch porn. Other people's fucking doesn't interest me that much. If you get aroused by it, you just wank off. [It's] better having sex. I obviously watched a lot in order to write the book.
GF: Today is my birthday, by the way, what were some of your memorable birthdays?
IW: I fell 30 foot down a fire escape on my 20th birthday.
GF: Are you going to have any children soon? Do you think you'd be a good father? What was your childhood like?
IW: No, I've no plans to have kids. If I did I'd probably be an absentee father. My own childhood was fantastic. A poor, but very loving household and community. If I had kids, I'd never be able to give them that and I wouldn't want to give them less.
GF: How do you feel about Irvine Welsh?
IW: I love the man with all my heart.
For more information on Irvine Welsh go to www.irvinewelsh.net
VIEW 13 of 13 COMMENTS
thehumansare:
love the sick mind on welshy, but seriously was the interviewee in the same room when they had this conversation? he's dropped some absolute WTF moments without her even blinking?!
mrpoe1978:
I'm lucky enough to have met Irvine several times. He is married to my sister-in-law. He was at my wedding and has been in my house. He's a great, hilarious, witty guy. Great interview.