Jolene Siana - Author of Go Ask Ogre
by Flux for SuicideGirls (http://suicidegirls.com/)

Jolene Siana has serious guts. Not only did she send boxes of letters detailing her depression and self-injury to Ogre of Skinny Puppy in her late teens, fifteen years later, she's compiled them into a sincere, gut-wrenching, and deeply funny book called "Go Ask Ogre: Letters from a Deathrock Cutter". I spent some time with the very sweet Jolene recently and had to ask her a few questions about her incredible book.

"Go Ask Ogre: Letters from a Deathrock Cutter" will be out August 1st from Process.

FLUX: I have a couple of old letters to Blake Schwarzenbach (of Jawbreaker and Jets to Brazil) on my hard drive that I never had the courage to send. What made you first decide to write to Ogre?

JOLENE SIANA: Ever since I could write, I've had pen-pals. I’ve also always been into music. I wrote a number of letters to musicians that I never sent. When I was first introduced to Skinny Puppy, after buying their album "Mind: The Perpetual Intercourse," I saw an address on the back, so one day when I was in my room listening to the album, I was inspired to write to him. He seemed to be a kindred spirit. This was 1987 in East Toledo. There were about 5 students in my whole school who dressed differently. Most people in my school were preps, jocks or metal heads. I was constantly teased about my look. I thought Ogre looked cool, I liked his lyrics, and I guessed he wouldn’t judge me.

F: And how did that first response back feel?

JS: Amazing. As I mentioned, I had a lot of pen pals. There were these little books called “friendship books” that were circulating around. They were creative little hand-made books in which you design a page, put your name, address and favorite bands on it and sent it away to a pen-pal, they would do the same until it finally made it back to the creator. So I would receive mail with unfamiliar handwriting on a regular basis. I remember the day I got the letter from Ogre, I noticed that the envelope was from Canada. I thought that it could be from him ,but I wasn’t sure. I was driving in my car and my friend started reading the letter to me. As she read the first sentence, I realized that it mentioned something that I had written to Ogre. I asked her to read who it was from, and it was signed N. Ogre. I almost crashed my car, I was so excited.

As I calmed down and really thought about his response to my letter, I thought that it was so caring for him to reach out to me.

F: How important was music and subculture to you as a teenager? Describe the young Jolene.

JS: I remember when I was wearing all black, ripped fishnets, etc., my mother asked me how I thought I was being “different” or “unique” if other people were dressing this way. Friends of hers who were also trying to figure me out asked what the point was if we all were trying to be “different” but still looked similar. My answer, as I recall, was that we all had the same understanding of similar things—opinions, music and art.

The young Jolene... Well, let’s see....sensitive, opinionated, moody, angry, depressed, silly, creative, selfish, obsessive, impatient, and isolated.

F: Ogre returned the letters to you in 2002, 15 years after you had sent them. What was it like to re-live that time of your life?

JS: At first, it was a bit painful. Luckily, the letters came back to me after I’d had quite a bit of therapy, so I was in a good place emotionally, but of course there were a lot incidents that happened that I had blocked out of my mind, which took time to deal with. I did go through a bit of depression after going through the letters. But, I think it was important for me to re-live that. I looked at the act of transcribing as a therapeutic experience.

F: You mention in the epilogue that you never intended for the letters to be published. Was it a difficult decision to release such an intimate and difficult part of your past to the public?

JS: When I told my friend Gilden who is an artist/writer about my letters she immediately told me to write a book. This was before I even had the material back in my hands. At first I gasped at the thought. I told her that I remembered writing some really personal, dark things, and that I was very depressed at the time and she stated that it could help people. I began reading books about depressed young women over the next year, while I was waiting for the return of the letters.

Deciding to create a book out of the letters was not that difficult once I had done some research. The time it took to transcribe the material and then sharing the material was essential because it gave me time to reflect upon it and deal with the past. I think the hardest part was showing my friends. I’m not crazy about knowing that my family will undoubtedly read it, but it’s also liberating as well.

F: The title Go Ask Ogre is obviously a reference to the teen classic Go Ask Alice. What made you choose that particular name for your book? How do you feel about Go Ask Alice as a book?

JS: Well, when I first began working on Go Ask Ogre I had run the idea by friends to get their opinions and I was trying to think of the title. I explained that it would be like Go Ask Alice with a happy ending. My friend Bree simply said, “Go Ask Ogre.” I thought it just made sense.

When I was younger I loved Go Ask Alice. It wasn’t until recently that I learned that there is speculation that it is a work of fiction. I was just looking over my copy lately and I guess it does seem a little preachy. I want to believe it’s true. I mean, it says “Real Diary” on the cover, and if it’s ever confirmed that it’s not true, I’ll feel like I’ve been had!

F: Do you feel that GAO legitimizes or transcends stereotypical teen angst, which tends to be misunderstood and ridiculed?

JS: I'd like to hope that it my book transcends typical expressions of teen angst by ultimately showing that if you can learn to reach out to others and express yourself, through artwork or writing or music or whatever, you can survive and rise above the darkest moments of your life, and become a better person in the process.

F: According to a recent study in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology, between 14% and 39% of adolescents engage in some form of self-injury. Do you have any advice for others who may be cutting now?

JS: I do. Luckily these days there is a lot of information out there, and many people know what self-injury is. There is a wonderful program called S.A.F.E, which stands for Self Abuse Finally Ends. It was founded by Wendy Lader, Ph.D. and Karen Conterio (authors of the book Bodily Harm). I support this program for many reasons but primarily because they focus on getting to the core of the problem, as opposed to trying to mask things with drugs (i.e. anti-depressants, anti-anxiety & tranquilizers). Self-injury is a symptom of something deeper. S.A.F.E teaches you how to deal with overwhelming emotions. I also like that as part of their therapy they give patients fifteen writing assignments to help organize thoughts on issues that underlie self-injury to help develop self-awareness.

I have a lot of people reaching out to me who are cutters—some of them really want to stop now, and others who are not yet ready. Most of them seem incredibly self-aware, and that’s a good start.

F: Why do you think so many adolescents cut themselves?

JS: Before I answer this I should mention that sometimes reading about self-injury can trigger them to cut, so if anyone is reading this who is not safe, stop reading now.

Psychologically speaking, those who self-injure share certain characteristics. Of course, no two people are alike in their makeup or in they the way they respond to situations however through research, it's clear that most people who self injure begin in adolescence, mostly young women, who are trauma victims and are generally of above average intelligence. In most cases these are people have a difficult time dealing with emotions.

Self-injury releases endorphins, and that’s why it can become addictive. I saw that in my experience. Reading through the letters and seeing that I cut after traumatic situations, was how I dealt with my pain. Rejection was my trigger. Everyone has different reasons why they hurt themselves, different triggers.

F: You've stated that the impetus for publishing your letters was the possibility that they might help others. How do you think reading Go Ask Ogre might help other people suffering from depression, self-injury, and suicidal thoughts?

JS: Even now when I read any sort of personal, revealing story I always find comfort in being able to identify with those who are willing to share such things about themselves that are intimate especially when they have to do with any sort of mental illness. It’s so common but a lot of people are uncomfortable speaking about it.

Reading books such as Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel, Girl Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen and Skin Game by Caroline Kettlewell are inspiring in many ways but most of all, to see that these women have done something creative and positive with their pain and struggle. I admire their strength and honesty in their memoirs and I can only hope that Go Ask Ogre will have the same effect.

I was so lost and confused during those years of writing to Ogre. Life will always have its challenges, but I wanted to show that you can take charge of your life. You can have the things you wish for. It can be painful to look into yourself to become a better person, but it can be done. Ultimately, we are responsible for our actions and behavior.

For young adults, I hope that they can see that things do get better. It’s so hard as an adolescent to realize that. It’s such a difficult, confusing time of life. Perhaps someone will see how I was, which was seriously depressed and see that I made it through. I have a great life now, and I do all of the things that I had hoped to do when I was younger. I have the life I want. I have ups and downs but I couldn’t ask for a better life or better friends.

F: Do you have a response to the recent comments that certain Scientology-addled celebrities have made regarding mental illness and psychiatric treatment?

JS: I also believe that medication is a mask of sorts. On the other hand, I have friends and loved ones who take anti-depressants and mood stabilizers, and I can see that they benefit from doing so. I do believe in chemical imbalances, but I also believe that we can change our brain chemistry through psychotherapy.

The way Tom Cruise handled the question and topic was pretty tactless, inconsiderate and in my opinion, narcissistic. I know a little about psychiatry, and I’ve had experiences with medical doctors who act like pharmaceutical cheerleaders, trying to push this drug or that drug on me, and I have a problem with that, but I know that I’m in charge of my body, and I can find alternatives which I have such as psychotherapy and taking control of my life. If I’m under a lot of stress, I try to see how I can change a situation. I’ve always believed in that approach. I don’t believe in quick fixes with anything. Post self-injury, I suffered from panic attacks. I went to the doctor who immediately suggested Xanax, which I denied and instead went to the library (pre-Internet) and got about 10 books on the subject, and I healed myself. When I was overweight, I went on Weight Watchers, which is a not a diet but a healthier way of living. There is no magic in mental or physical health. That’s my opinion. I know I strayed off the subject a bit, but these days everyone seems to want and expect a quick fix, and I think that’s unrealistic and it leads to disappointment.

F: How often do you still talk to Ogre? What does he think of the book?

JS: Before I began this project I first asked Ogre for his blessing, which he gave me. I gave him all the material to make sure he was ok with it. He said it was fine because it’s my perception. He’s been supportive about he book and says he’s happy for me. We don’t speak with regularity.

F: Tell me about your next project!

JS: I have lots of ideas. I’ve been transcribing pre and post Go Ask Ogre journals. I’ve spent a lot of time in Europe and lived briefly in Amsterdam, so I’ve had some interesting adventures. I document everything through writing and photography. I was thinking of putting together a book of short stories. I’d like it to be visual like Go Ask Ogre is.

I’ve also always loved musicals ,and I’ve had an idea for one for some time now. I’ve just started working on it with a friend of mine. I’m finally putting it on paper.

F: Any last words?

JS: As a matter of fact, I do have some last words for my fellow bloggers and writers. Don’t throw any letters, journals or diaries away. Even if you think that they will be too painful to read or haunt you in the future. Save them! I feel so lucky to have my letters and all of my old journals. Sure, some of it still makes me cringe but you can learn so much about your psychology and being. Think of what you’re writing now as a gift to yourself in the future.

web address: http://suicidegirls.com/interviews/Jolene+Siana+-+Author+of+Go+Ask+Ogre/